I feel like I’m in my own version of the movie “Groundhog Day”. The 2WW is over and my uterus is, again, empty. The slight difference this month is that I was able to test at home instead of going in to the office. A big thank you to one of my readers for the suggestion of not going in for the test. It made a huge difference!
I’m upset, of course, but upon getting the “NOT PREGNANT” message on the Clear Blue test, I didn’t break down. I was disappointed because for a nano-second I thought it was taking so long to come up with an answer because there as just enough pregnancy hormone in there to cause confusion. When the result came I snapped a picture and sent it to my husband with the caption “Why do I even bother with a test? When you know, you know.”. You see, on Saturday (again, in the city for an event with Cody), I started to get what I refer to as “gut rot” – attractive, I know. I don’t know what it is, but it’s a sort of burning in my tummy mixed with a bit of what I assume might be heartburn. I only get this when I’m going to get my period. We came home and I noted it in Pink Pad (an Android app I downloaded) and told Cody that I was marking down the day I realized the pregnancy dream was dashed again for another month.
Right there. That last line you read above? That bad attitude has got to be having some sort of negative effect on me getting pregnant. It has got to be effecting how Cody looks at me. It’s got to be detrimental to our relationship.
I never wanted getting pregnant to overtake our lives. I never wanted to sit and only be able to talk about baby-related things. I didn’t want anything to consume me the way trying to conceive has. It sickens me. I’m terrified of it ruining my marriage. I’m scared that my mental health is going to suffer. I’ve always been a pessimistic person, but I feel like I’ve become completely jaded. Plus, why even try to conceive if every part of my being is convinced it’ll never happen? Seems sort of pointless if that’s how I’m going to approach the tests and appointments. Plus, who knows if there is some subconscious part of me sabotaging the whole effort?
I don’t know what day I’ll be back at the doctor’s office. I’m, apparently, supposed to start my period on Friday which means it’ll probably be Sunday since the only schedule my body follows is being 2 days behind everything. And while I’m sure it’s going to be a similar situation of Femara (possible dosage increase?) with a trigger shot of Ovidrel and timed intercourse, I plan on making my own, personal changes to this cycle. I’m just going to do my best to be happy and ready for conception if I’m so lucky.
I follow a lot of fertility blogs. Someone had written a post about books they read that pertain to getting pregnant or being pregnant. In the comments, someone had suggested the book “The Buddha Walks Into the Bar”, and I think I’m going to read it. I need a different perspective on… well, everything and anything, really.
Along with the changes in perspective and attitude, I’m going to eat better this month. I’ve lost some weight but have, sadly, succumbed to the fast food eating lifestyle for the last couple of weeks…again. I’m going cut it out this month and eat more balanced foods. It can only help! I also plan to exercise as well, but it’s not going to be anything to write home about. If I can get out for a walk once a night, I’ll feel accomplished. I can be so entirely lazy. To the same beautiful reader I mentioned above, I one day will start the Couch 2 5K challenge too! It’s already downloaded on to my phone.
Lastly, I’m just going to try and relax. I have so many things going on in my life that all I do is think. And worry. It’s not just about getting pregnant – it’s about my family back home; it’s about our new house; it’s about our current living arrangements; it’s about my work situation. All of it makes me in a constant state of stress and I don’t want that. Not just for getting pregnant, but for me in general. Positive thinking can do wonders, I hear. I haven’t tried it out, but it’s all the rave.
So what is my reality check? Just that I haven’t really been doing all I could be doing to help this process along. I keep acting like I am since I go to all of the appointments and slap a smile on my face each time my blood is being drawn or when I’m getting a transvaginal ultrasound. I think that by taking the medications and having sex when I’m directed to that this is all it takes to get pregnant. But it’s so much more. You need to really want it and know that there’s a positivity/hopeful/faithful aspect that is needed as well. And I haven’t had that for at least the last cycle.
I am absolutely terrified that a change in attitude could make the fall that much harder again. I’ll just need to dust off and carry on. And in the spirit of positive thinking, I don’t think I should even be worrying about the what if of not getting pregnant again this month.
Besides, the only think I need to “worry” about at this exact second is about having to entertain my awful Aunt Flo in a few days.
Let’s hope it’s all as easy as I’ve made it sound.