#RealityCheck

I feel like I’m in my own version of the movie “Groundhog Day”.  The 2WW is over and my uterus is, again, empty.  The slight difference this month is that I was able to test at home instead of going in to the office.  A big thank you to one of my readers for the suggestion of not going in for the test.  It made a huge difference!

I’m upset, of course, but upon getting the “NOT PREGNANT” message on the Clear Blue test, I didn’t break down.  I was disappointed because for a nano-second I thought it was taking so long to come up with an answer because there as just enough pregnancy hormone in there to cause confusion.  When the result came I snapped a picture and sent it to my husband with the caption “Why do I even bother with a test?  When you know, you know.”.  You see, on Saturday (again, in the city for an event with Cody), I started to get what I refer to as “gut rot” – attractive, I know.  I don’t know what it is, but it’s a sort of burning in my tummy mixed with a bit of what I assume might be heartburn.  I only get this when I’m going to get my period.  We came home and I noted it in Pink Pad (an Android app I downloaded) and told Cody that I was marking down the day I realized the pregnancy dream was dashed again for another month.

Right there.  That last line you read above?  That bad attitude has got to be having some sort of negative effect on me getting pregnant.  It has got to be effecting how Cody looks at me.  It’s got to be detrimental to our relationship.

I never wanted getting pregnant to overtake our lives.  I never wanted to sit and only be able to talk about baby-related things.  I didn’t want anything to consume me the way trying to conceive has.  It sickens me.  I’m terrified of it ruining my marriage.  I’m scared that my mental health is going to suffer.  I’ve always been a pessimistic person, but I feel like I’ve become completely jaded.  Plus, why even try to conceive if every part of my being is convinced it’ll never happen?  Seems sort of pointless if that’s how I’m going to approach the tests and appointments.  Plus, who knows if there is some subconscious part of me sabotaging the whole effort?

I don’t know what day I’ll be back at the doctor’s office.  I’m, apparently, supposed to start my period on Friday which means it’ll probably be Sunday since the only schedule my body follows is being 2 days behind everything.  And while I’m sure it’s going to be a similar situation of Femara (possible dosage increase?) with a trigger shot of Ovidrel and timed intercourse, I plan on making my own, personal changes to this cycle.  I’m just going to do my best to be happy and ready for conception if I’m so lucky.

I follow a lot of fertility blogs.  Someone had written a post about books they read that pertain to getting pregnant or being pregnant.  In the comments, someone had suggested the book “The Buddha Walks Into the Bar”, and I think I’m going to read it.  I need a different perspective on… well, everything and anything, really.

Along with the changes in perspective and attitude, I’m going to eat better this month.  I’ve lost some weight but have, sadly, succumbed to the fast food eating lifestyle for the last couple of weeks…again.  I’m going cut it out this month and eat more balanced foods.  It can only help!  I also plan to exercise as well, but it’s not going to be anything to write home about.  If I can get out for a walk once a night, I’ll feel accomplished.  I can be so entirely lazy.  To the same beautiful reader I mentioned above, I one day will start the Couch 2 5K challenge too!  It’s already downloaded on to my phone.

Lastly, I’m just going to try and relax.  I have so many things going on in my life that all I do is think.  And worry.  It’s not just about getting pregnant – it’s about my family back home; it’s about our new house; it’s about our current living arrangements; it’s about my work situation.  All of it makes me in a constant state of stress and I don’t want that. Not just for getting pregnant, but for me in general.  Positive thinking can do wonders, I hear.  I haven’t tried it out, but it’s all the rave.

So what is my reality check?  Just that I haven’t really been doing all I could be doing to help this process along.  I keep acting like I am since I go to all of the appointments and slap a smile on my face each time my blood is being drawn or when I’m getting a transvaginal ultrasound.  I think that by taking the medications and having sex when I’m directed to that this is all it takes to get pregnant.  But it’s so much more.  You need to really want it and know that there’s a positivity/hopeful/faithful aspect that is needed as well.  And I haven’t had that for at least the last cycle.

I am absolutely terrified that a change in attitude could make the fall that much harder again.  I’ll just need to dust off and carry on.  And in the spirit of positive thinking, I don’t think I should even be worrying about the what if of not getting pregnant again this month.

Besides, the only think I need to “worry” about at this exact second is about having to entertain my awful Aunt Flo in a few days.

Let’s hope it’s all as easy as I’ve made it sound.

beanie

Fool Me Once…

Kind of unexpectedly  I find myself in the 2WW (two week wait).  If you’re reading this, you probably know what that means.

This cycle seems so much different than my last cycle.  After every appointment, every new medication, and into my wait last time, I was on Google.  And I mean every single time.  It was actually kind of sad.  I obsessed about every thing!  In the end, I’m convinced it made the negative result that much worse since I had stories, opinions, blogs and forums to back up my twinges and aches as pregnancy symptoms.  There was hope and positivity during the entire process even though all I was left with was crumpled up kleenex and a blotchy face.

When I went back to the office on my CD3, I was so agitated.  I didn’t want to drive there.  I didn’t want to take the highway back home by myself (yes, I’m still a fairly new driver and I loathe the highway!  If Cody isn’t with me, I don’t want to be driving the highway alone.).  My period was horrid and painful and still in progress – so I wasn’t too enthusiastic about hopping up on the exam table and spreading my legs for yet another invasive ultrasound.  It would figure that Lena had a student with her that day AND my left ovary went into hiding which turned the invasive ultrasound into extra embarrassing and painful.  Oh joy, oh bliss.  I met Cody in a consultation room and started to get emotional about how it wasn’t acceptable that there was a third person in the room while being examined.  I was a wreck and didn’t want to start everything all over again.

From that point on, I made life hell.  Each night before we had an appointment, I started an argument.  On the drive to the appointment, I was sour and unpleasant (in my defence though, the drive went from 3 minutes {no joke} to over an hour.  In order for Cody to be able to get to work on time, we had to leave before 5AM – which means that I was up before 5AM.  NOT OK.).  During this entire process I’ve been dragging my feet and completely dejected about the whole thing.  I know that’s unfair to Cody.  He wants a baby as much as I do and he’s holding it together and being so supportive.  I am such a lucky woman to have him and I feel like I might have been taking advantage of his kind spirit during this month.  I’m such a bitch.

I snapped out of it a little.  When I was given the trigger shot this time and told when to do the dance with no pants, I resolved to myself to lose the negative attitude.  Be pleasant, even.  I wanted Cody to want to be with me and I also didn’t want stress to be a reason this didn’t work.  Again.

Yesterday I went back to Dr. R.  I released 2 eggs and if the timing was right, then things should be good.

You would think that hearing some positivity from Dr. R, the staff, even my husband, that I would be able to turn that into a form of excitement somehow.  But, I’m not feeling any better about it.  I feel the same as every other time.  I don’t feel or believe I’m pregnant this time.  With the exception of a breakout and some sore “BB’s”, it’s just all so familiar.  Familiar means not being a mother in 9 months.

I’ll be back at the doctor’s office on Monday for a check on my progesterone.  And then a couple of days from then, waiting to see if there is an additional line on my test.

Wish me luck.

beanie

P.S.  I’m so annoyed with myself for using these stupid abbreviations.  That being said… it really does save a lot of time!  If you need the list, please see my post titled “WTF”.

Oh, wait – there’s more (physical) pain!

What a friggen reminder that I was unsucessful last month in my efforts to get pregnant.  Since I had my trigger shot, I’ve had cramps on and off.  Some more noticeable than others.

Then yesterday.

I had difficulty moving.  I had to curl into a ball.  The cramps were so wicked awful, I had to resort to taking Advil (which I try not to do since it can interact with some of my diabetes medications).  The cramps subsided a bit and I went about my day – which involved a train ride back to the city for an event with my husband.  We went for dinner and the cramping started up again.  When we were finished, I forced him to tour the city with me, looking for a Shoppers Drug Mart so I could buy Advil… but I’m not stupid and went for the good stuff and got the Extra Strength Gel Tabs this time.  We reached the stadium and I threw back the meds with some Vitamin Water and within about 20 minutes the pain was gone.

I was an idiot, I admit.  I knew the cramping was getting worse and before bed I should have taken a proactive dose of the Advil… but I was exhausted from the train ride back from the city and just went to sleep, snuggled up with Cody.

Until 4AM.

The cramps were dull and sharp at the same time.  I was so tired, I just tried to sleep through it.  And it kind of worked.  Then the pain was unbearable.  I dug around in the dark trying to find my purse to get the pills.  Without too much noise, I found them and swallowed the medication with some stale water that was sitting on the display unit for 3 too many days.  I crawled back into bed, woke Cody up, and did everything but cry.  I tried laying completely still in all positions – back, side, stomach – nothing eased them up.  I tried crunching – no dice.  I tried getting Cody to rub my lower back (which was on fire) and my lower tummy (which was in a constant twist of pain) and neither worked.  The Advil took at least 30 minutes to work, and I passed out eventually.  Those cramps were the worst of my life.

Oh, but it doesn’t stop there!  I woke up this morning to my roommates annoying little bastard of a dog barking his face off cause he knows I’m upstairs and he wants attention.  I was trying with all of my might to ignore his stupid ass, but he’s a Maltese with a high pitched annoying bark.  My cramps were starting up again, so I just got up – yelled at the dog to go and lay down (muttering something about him being a little jerkoff) and made my way downstairs.  Low and behold, the little idiot had found something to chew up and he’d shit on the floor.  And no, not the tile that would be easy to clean – the carpet.  And no, he didn’t desperately need to go – he goes in the same spot and does it with defiance when he’s not getting attention.  I hate this little dog (today).

While I cleaned up and cooked something to eat, these goddamn cramps came back full force.  So I’m sitting here, curled over the laptop, miserable and next to tears.  My patience has flown out the window (I hate this dog, I hate this city, I hate my cat who won’t shut up, I hate the water pressure and how long it takes to warm up, I hate this “journey” to get pregnant, which should just happen already, etc. etc. etc.) and I’m emotional.  Oh, and so angry!  Frustrated too, because I wanted to get a whole bunch of cleaning done, and it doesn’t look like I’ll be able to do any of it because I’m practically bed ridden today.

I am also in full realization that if I am blessed with a baby, an Epidural will not be a question – it will be a full requirement.  Cause if these severe cramps are anything like even one contraction, I’m fucked.

beanie