Current State

Paw Patrol is playing in the background right now.  I can’t stand this show.  I really can’t.  It’s doesn’t teach anything.  Maybe distracted driving, and that’s about it.  But, I’m letting the kids watch it… I don’t care today.

My brother has started calling me.  It’s been 1 minute and he’s called twice.  Let’s see how many times he calls by the time I’m finished this post.

Anyway, my tank is empty.  It’s so empty, it feels like the needle is below the E.  And I just don’t even know how to fill it back up.

I’m a stay at home mom… I can’t be “empty”.  But… I’m just so drained.  I’m exhausted, physically.  I went to bed before 10PM and was up a little after 8AM, no interruptions… and still, I’m tired.  I am feeling so impatient with the girls.  I’ve snapped at them, I’ve gotten frustrated cause they’re whiny, or fighting, or wanting to lay all over me again.  I knew that being a mom meant giving your everything to them – and I have.  They literally have every ounce of me, but there is nothing left to give.  Then what?

We visited my father in law yesterday.  He looks terrible.  I am trying to be optimistic, but the stats do not support it.  It’s grim, and that’s the reality.  And pretending otherwise is what I my husband and his family want right now, but it’s exhausting me.  Still, I do it for them.

My FIL and Apple always had an amazing bond, from the beginning.  Yesterday, she stayed close to grandpa.  She sat with him watching tv, she brought and shared cookies with him, and then made him share his gelato with her.  Nothing made either of them happier than being together.

…So in a few weeks, months, hopefully years – what the hell do I tell her when she is looking for grandpa and he’s not there, never will be again?

I am able to recognize that I am not coping well.  I am seeing a new, much more helpful therapist.  I have a doctors appointment to discuss increasing my antidepressants.  I am using the medical cannabis as I should be… And still, I’m just empty.

My parents are of no help.  None.  All they tell me is to take care of the girls and think positive.  Oh how I wish it was that easy.

I know the depression is getting bad.  I need a lot of sleep, I am turning angry very easily, I have no desire or ability to do my job as a mom and wife.  I am letting my girls watch tv all day.  I make the very most basic lunch and then put them for a nap, and I also nap during that time.  I wake up and “take a break” while hubs deals with the girls.  I rarely cook dinner, I’m letting him do it.  Then I go through the motions until bed time… I get the girls down and then I smoke a joint and go to bed.  It’s not healthy.

Even if I could just perk up and be super mom again, I have my brother calling and texting me constantly.  He keeps giving me sob stories about this and that and whatever… I can’t listen.  I know he’s manipulating me.  I can’t stand it.  How can he treat me like that??  So my stress level shoots through the roof again.

How much can one person handle?  I need to get away from everyone, no phone, nothing.  Just be alone for a day.

I know I can get through all of this.  I can.  I have before.  But seriously, I am ready to be given a break.  Anytime.

 

So this is the end of the post.  It took me 20 minutes to write.  My brother has called me 4 times and texted once.  In 20 fucking minutes.  Lovely.

 

 

beanie

 

While adding the tags to this post, brother dearest called 2 more times.  Time to block his calls.

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Fuck.

Yeah, its been quite a while since I posted.  I thought about apologizing, but why?  No one cares.  I’m not being negative, I am being realistic.  Life happens.  Would I expect a blogger to apologize to me for taking a break?  No.  So, with that, I don’t think it’s necessary to apologize.

Speaking of breaks though… I think I take them when things are good and I am not super stressed.  And then when something insane happens, I gravitate back to the blog to get my feelings out.

So what is the stressful event causing me to come back?

My father in law was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer yesterday.

I don’t know what to do or think.  I have no idea how to act.  I am so stunned.  And sad.

We don’t know too much at the moment.  He will be going for some scans to see if the cancer has metastasized, and then we go from there.  Surgery might be possible, which might be the best possible outcome.

I’m a planner.  And I’m also a fixer…. but neither of these two things are helpful right now.

I’ve only lost one person in my adult life.  This is so foreign to me.  And because it’s my father in law, I don’t think I can inject myself into the situatio too much.  I don’t think it would be helpful or appreciated, and I understand that.

My husband is a mess, as he should be.  All of our current marriage issues (which actually are very few at the moment) are put aside.  I already run the household, but now I have the extra task of comforting my husband which is something I’m not overly familiar with.  Cody is a very strong and silent kind of guy.  Seeing him cry is breaking my heart.

None of the information I’ve read is promising.  None of it!  And I just cant lie to Cody…. He knows, anyway.  He’s reading all of the same information.

I don’t know, guys.  I’m fucked right now.

My anxiety has already been off the charts.  My brother has been in contact with me, asking for money.  He’s back into the drugs, but this time it’s prescribed.  He’s abusing it.. and that’s because he is an addict.  I don’t blame him for anything, this is just who he is and his struggle.  It causes a lot of stress and anxiety for me… I live in fear of my phone.  If I don’t hear from him, I think he’s dead.  When I do hear from him, I listen to all of the ways he almost died that week (he’s epileptic with uncontrolled grand mal seizures), or trying to make him believe I don’t have money to give him.

And then there’s the problems with my own parents.

And there’s my binge eating, my own stress of being a stay at home mother, my secrets,  everything.  Just everything.

And now this.