I hate fertility treatments. All of them.
Round 1 – 8: Timed Intercourse with Femara, Ovidrel, and Progesterone Suppositories
a) Timed Intercourse: Best way to make a couple fight. I hate being told what to do. I apparently hate being told when to have sex with my husband even more. When is the “right time”? Is one position more “baby-making-friendly” over another? Can I stand up right after? Hate.
b) Femara: I suck at taking medications on time. I’m used to taking meds when I’m eating – which is different day to day. Femara worked well for me, but I always forgot to take at least one tablet at the right time. Also, I hated that they cost $70 for 3 days…. how naive of me.
c) Ovidrel: Needle in the belly – double hate. And for $95 bucks! Again, the naivety is sad. And missed.
d) Progesterone: Suppositories. Never fun. Everyone hates them. “Use a panty liner,” they said. Lies. All f-ing lies. They are gross and annoying as hell. And expensive – more expensive than anything else by this point: $256 for 36 suppositories.
Round 9: IUI with Bravelle, Ovidrel, and Progesterone Suppositories
a) IUI Numero Uno: Not as bad as I thought it would be. Awkward, at best. My husband was told that he “washes well”. 14 million swimmers on IUI Day 1; 36 million swimmers on IUI Day 2. There was a slight pinch at one point and a comment that my cervix needed to be flipped up slightly, but it was bearable. The fact that I need the IUI is what I hate. Oh, and the $750 it costs to have it done. Yeah, I hate that too. And it failed. So what can I say.
b) Bravelle: hate. Hate. HATE. I feel like a crazy person on these injectables. I’m not kidding. My first day on them I went from yelling, to crying, to laughing because I was crying. I hate the person I become on these medications. I’m mean or depressed. I fantasize punching certain people in the face. Oh, and when I’m driving? That’s a whole other nightmare. I was being such a bitch while driving home after my appointment yesterday that a car opted to move a lane over so I wasn’t behind them giving the finger anymore. At $85 a vial, it’s just another reason to dislike this shit. And it means a needle to the stomach every morning for multiple days on end.
c) Ovidrel: Still hate. It is, afterall, a needle to the stomach. I don’t mind the cost so much anymore, but it’s still not my favorite thing.
d) Progesterone: Also still hate. That will never go away.
Round 10: IUI with Bravelle, Lupron, Ovidrel, and Progesterone Suppositories
a) IUI: Yet to come. I’m sure it will still be awkward.
b) Bravelle WITH Lupron: And here is where I go into another rant about this terrible stuff. I don’t respond well to this, apparently. Last month we “ramped up”… which means I started out on a low dose, wasn’t doing so good so we went up a bit. By the end I was still doing pretty shitty and not progressing so we amped it almost all the way up and I finally had 2 follicles that were “good enough”. This time, we started out on almost a max dose and we’re going to “ramp down”. 4 days later I go back to see what progress I’ve made and there’s, well, none. So I continue on this max dose until Friday. Lets see… that’s $85/vial at 3 vials/day for 6 days (so far) and that’s: $1530. That comes out to $255 a day… for medication that doesn’t really seem to work all that well. Oh but wait! We also added Lupron in. I think it was $250 for a kit that lasts 14 days, so it’s not that big of a deal. What is a big deal, however, is that it makes the injections HURT. Like a lot. They weren’t comfortable before, but they burn like a bitch now. They BURN. And it’s early! And it’s making me INSANE!
c) Ovidrel: Yet to come.
d) Progesterone: Yet to come.
So basically, I’m over it. I hate all this stuff. I hate the costs involved. I don’t see good responses and it just ends up pissing me off. I am so serious when I say that I’ve ranted for the last 24 hours. I’ve just been in a bad mood. I haven’t yelled at my husband…. I haven’t done anything overly terrible (with the exception of my driving yesterday). But I’m just upset. Everything is getting to me. I’m walking around in a bad mood and everyone knows it – they just don’t know the cause.. and are probably afraid to ask.
My in-laws were over on Saturday and an offhanded comment was made… it went kinda like this:
“Something-useless something-useless something useless, since Cody and Beanie aren’t going to give me any grandkids something-useless something-useless.”
It took everything in my power not to pull out our receipts from the clinic and show them how much (financially) we’re putting into this. I wanted to show them that it’s not a matter of just not using condoms anymore and waiting 2 weeks for a period. I’m sorry if I’m not having baby #3 at the age of 30. And while I’m thinking all of this stuff – at rapid-fire speed, I might add – I’m doing my best not to shoot daggers with my eyes and at the exact same time trying not to bawl. They left after a wonderfully short visit, I was happy, and life went on. But when I went to the clinic yesterday and found out that my follicles are still pretty much dormant, that comment from my father-in-law came back and started to hurt all over.
And while I’m complaining about being mad, sad, depressed, bitchy, yadda yadda yadda, I realize I can add whiny to that list.
PS: I’m not entirely positive on what exactly is making me bloat up like a balloon, but it can f-ck off. I hate it too.