Psst! Over here!!

So.. it’s been a while.

I’m a paranoid pregnant woman, apparently.  I can’t find it in me to write any updates.  It’s been a stressful few weeks, but I am about 7 weeks along today.  When I go for my next ultrasound (Yes!  I’ve already had one!  So exciting!), I’ll recap the last few weeks. Assuming, of course, that things are looking good.  In a nutshell though, there have been some bad moments, some scary moments, some happy moments, and a lot of great moments.

I hope you are all having an amazing holiday season!  And I wish nothing but the very best in 2014 for all of you!  I hope that your wishes and dreams are granted.

And I also hope Canada kicks some ass in the Olympics.

with a smile,

beanie

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You’re the Best!

You, friends, are all amazing.

Over the last 11 cycles, I’ve cried, ranted, said means things.  Ranted some more.  And with all of that, you stuck with me and shared my pain.

Even when I was bitching the other day and saying I was pretty much going to unfollow any person lucky enough to conceive – I don’t think a single person left my blog.  You’re truly amazing!  I don’t know any of you in person, yet I tell you all every single important (and often unimportant) detail of my life.  You all know more than my family does, or even my best friend.

So, I want to tell you all one more thing.

I’m pregnant.

beanie

(I really can’t believe I am able to write that.  Or take a picture of a positive test.  I am still in shock.)

Sincerest of Apologies

I feel like a terrible person.

No joke, there were 3 pregnancy announcements today.  A couple on WordPress and one where I work (thankfully, not a co-worker, but a patient).  While I am mostly happy for these people, I am sad for myself.

Pity is gross.  Who wants pity?  No one.  I try not to pity people, and I am the first person to spit out the words “I don’t need – or WANT – your pity!” (said a few times to my husband, even).  However, I sit here feeling like I am pitying myself.  What a weird and twisted web that is!

I cannot keep reading about people getting pregnant.  I feel like I am holding up a measuring stick to these people!  And as one blogger gets pregnant after another, I am left sad and empty.  It’s not fair to me.  And it’s not fair to them.  Women who conceive should be allowed to be happy!  I don’t want to rain on that parade.  So from this point forward, please feel free to “unfollow” me once you’re pregnant.  No offence will be taken.  I really, really don’t want to be bitching about how mad and angry I am that I can’t get pregnant and all the while it’s making you upset and/or irritated and/or guilty.

In turn, I am really sorry if I unfollow your blog once you announce that you’ve been able to conceive.  I really am happy for you, but it’s too hard for me to read your hourly, daily, weekly updates on how great everything is.  I hope that the pregnancy goes well, that everyone is happy, healthy, and safe.  I also hope that it doesn’t offend you if you find I’ve stopped following your posts.  Please note that I will creep your blog every once in a while to check on how things are going!

This happens in “real life” as well.  I am so paranoid when a friend calls out of the blue.  I am completely convinced they’re calling to tell us that they’re going to have a baby.  I have come to the conclusion that a couple that we’re friends with are going to start trying for kids soon since they just came back from Vegas.  I have managed to conclude in my mind that this was their last hoorah for a while and now it’s gonna be baby time.

What the hell is wrong with me?!

A patient came to the pharmacy today with his baby.  She is a few months old and quite active and happy!  The entire time they were in the store, Little Miss kept smiling and giggling at me, constantly saying “HI!”.  When I tried to get back to work, she’s start getting louder and louder with “HI HI HI HI HI!!”.  She was adorable.  And all I could do was hope that I would get to have my own one of these days.

beanie

Fun While It Lasted

I am now officially in the “I’m NOT pregnant” belief camp.

I made it through the cramps.  I believed my uterus was stretching.  I made it though the breast tenderness.  Very typical pregnancy symptom.  Tired, mood swings, this weird feeling of being full and hungry at the same time.  Even a cold sore!  I made it through all of them believing that this was the cycle.

Until gut rot showed up.  I’ve mentioned this before, but this is a period indicator for me.  Granted, I’ve never been pregnant so it’s entirely possible that it could also be a symptom of having a human growing in me, but it’s unlikely.  This burning, bloated feeling most likely means I’m done for this month.

And it’s awful.  I’m so down about it.  I went to Micheal’s (craft store) with Cody and as we were leaving, I told him that I was sure he’d of reconsidered marrying me if he knew I couldn’t have babies.  And then I bawled the entire drive home.

I feel bad for our partners.  They have it worse, in a way.  They’re also waiting during the last two weeks of our cycle(s).  They hope, and wish, and pray just as much as the would-be-baby-carrier does.  And when it crashes and burns to the ground, they have to put their own feelings aside for a bit and comfort us.  Please make sure you acknowledge your partner.  I don’t think I do often enough, and it makes me feel like such an ass.

I don’t officially get to find out if it’s a “yay” or “nay” until Friday.  I still hope for the positive, but I’m definitely prepping for the negative.  Miracles can happen, after all.  They’re just really, really, unlikely.

beanie