Curls and Dimples

I don’t need a 3D ultrasound. I don’t need to morph our baby pictures together. I know what Apple and Banana will look like.


Have a look and tell me if you see the similarities….


Mother effer. We are gonna have some cute, curly headed, dimple faced little princesses!! Watch out, world.


Swinging From Mood to Mood

I was woken up by my lovely husband 17-ish hours ago because he was leaving for work. I’d been awake for a couple of hours and just fallen asleep, so I was instantly annoyed when he lamely rolled over to the side while “finding” his cell phone to turn off the alarm…3 minutes later. I just don’t understand – how do you not know where the stupid thing is? You sleep in the same spot every night. You wake up at the same time every morning. The phone is always on the night stand. It lights up AND rings as loud as possible. HOW CAN YOU NOT FIND IT IN LESS THAN 20 SECONDS? So while he’s messing around with that, I get up and pee (again), take my morning prenatal vitamin, and hop back into bed, hoping that I’m not too awake (again). Oh, my dear Cody. He decides it is time to breathe his dragon breath into my face while giving me the longest goodbye in the history of our relationship. At this time in the morning, I figure he’s got it coming, and lay into him.

Around 12 hours ago, I got up for the day. I was so excited to go downstairs and eat my leftover piece of pizza, but oh no! Where is the precious slice? The bacon! The mushrooms! The cheese! I search around and it’s not in the fridge. It’s not in the microwave (where it was last seen). I text Cody.
B: Why would you throw my pizza out??????????
C: It was in the microwave all night.
B: OMG, I’m so annoyed right now.
C: Sorry, I didn’t think it would be good anymore.
B: Well at least YOU got to enjoy all of your pizza yesterday.
C: I forgot it was in there or I would have wrapped it up for you yesterday.
B: And here we are.

I later came to my senses (mostly). In all fairness, it would not have been good to eat the pizza that was left out overnight.
C: I hope your day improves. I know it didn’t start out the best.
B: I’ll be fine. I was just disappointed.
C: Wow, you’re already working on your parenting skills.
B: Well, I was mad at first. Then I just got disappointed that I didn’t get to enjoy my slice of pizza like you did.
C: I understand. Waking up to pizza breakfast then not having any pizza would disappoint me.
B: You wait. I’m going to be home with A and B all the time… I’m going to make them learn how to upset YOU with food.

About 3.5 hours ago, my husband came home from work. I was pleasant, very happy to see him. Very grateful he made supper.

And 25-ish minutes ago, I stormed out of the room and up the stairs (no easy task these days) because I “cannot talk to” him. WHY? Well, in mentioning to him that I was sorry for our exchange this morning, Cody decides this is the time to tell me that he was annoyed with me last night because I had a coughing fit. I don’t know why, but it bothers me! I was making sure the cat didn’t bother him, and because of this, Asi-Cat fell asleep on my pillow. Apparently, I am a heavy breather and I inhaled a mouth full of fur. This, of course, caused me to almost die from coughing! Do you think this ass face could understand I was not in control? That I was coughing because I was trying to keep the cat away from HIM? How can he be mad at me for COUGHING? In addition to not being able to breathe, my round ligaments went into to overdrive and the cat got all riled up again. But of course, he should be mad at me.

You can’t see me, but I’m rolling my eyes. HARD.

Ugh, I love him and want to strangle him at the same time.


PS – I am sure this annoyance will pass in about 39 seconds. Just in time for another emotion to take control of the roller coaster. Fun times.

Exciting News!

I had another ultrasound yesterday. In fact, I am one of the lucky ones who gets to see their babies every 2 weeks. I am so amazed because Apple and Banana actually look like little humans now!! It’s truly amazing.

As of today, I am 15W3D pregnant with two babies. WHAT?

During the ultrasound, I asked when we’d be able to find out the sexes. The tech said it was usually during the anatomy scan, but if she could see, she’s tell us. Banana, as usual, was being a pain in the butt and wouldn’t co-operate for a picture. In fact, my little Banana was facing my back, but in head down position, dancing away. We later realized that B was mooning us. Very much my husband’s child, my friends. Apple was very active as well but in breech position. At this point, it means very, very little.

Anyway! While looking to see if she could tell us what sex the babies are, this exchange happened….

TECH: Looks like Baby A – are you ready? Are you sure you want to know?


CODY: (smiling)

TECH: Looks like Baby A is a girl.

BEANIE: (oh Lord, I was a terrible little girl. It’s ok. It’s ok.)

TECH: Looks like it might be both. It’s hard to see between the legs.

BEANIE: (WHAT? BOTH? How can the baby have both parts???)

CODY: (I don’t know how you pick! How did this happen? How does this even happen? What do we do?!?)

Before we can voice our obvious concerns about Baby A have both male and female parts, the Tech continues…

TECH: Looks like both babies are girls.

BEANIE: (huge sigh of relief, with a couple of tears shed. I then realized I won the unofficial bet with my husband – I was right since the day we found out we were blessed with two, always calling them girls).

As for Cody – I asked him if we was a little disappointed since he thought we were having one of each. He said no, and I really truly believe him. He’s scared of cleaning a vagina, but other than that – he’s so happy. He is going to have two little girls who are going to adore him more than anyone. I also told him that he is going to be a good Dad – a man with amazing qualities that they’re going to try and find in their own partners one day.

So there we have it, folks. It will be confirmed in a couple of weeks since, again, Banana is my husband’s daughter and has a healthy stubborn streak already. But as it stands, we’ll be bringing home two little princesses in July!!


PS – The trans-vag ultrasound is not a thing of my past, as I had wished and hoped.
PPS – Dehydration is just something that happens, apparently. I have to continue to drink minimum 2L of fluid a day, but try to spread it out as much as possible. If it continues, we’ll revisit the issue. Blood work shows I am a fully functioning human being who shouldn’t be feeling awful.
PPPS – Next test is to check for Spina Bifida – ummmmm scary!! Rare, but scary.

Work Woes

My co-worker is going to hate me.

After my last IUI, I took time off due to OHSS. 5 weeks into my pregnancy, I took a day off because I was having pain in my abdomen. At the start of my shift on a random day into my 9th week of pregnancy, I left after a visit to the washroom because I thought I was spotting (turns out I was dehydrated, and my urine was so dark it looked like blood). At 11 weeks I took a Friday off for an ultrasound. At 12 weeks I booked off a Wednesday because I was scared about Baby A’s heartbeat being mildly low and then the Friday that week for another ultrasound (they only do “big” twin ultrasounds on Fridays at the hospital I’m going to).

And now today. I called in 3 minutes before my shift was to start because I don’t have any car keys. They are locked inside the car… Baby brain at its finest, my friends. I feel like crap today, though, so it’s not like I’m playing hooky on a sunny, warm day that I’ll spend on the beach. Nope, it’s another possible-dehydration-induced-headache-bordering-on-migraine day. I’ll be spending my time on the couch with my Toby-Bear and Asi-Cat, trying to nap and not puke.

Speaking of dehydration – I’m at a loss. Thankfully, I’m seeing my high-risk OB tomorrow, but honestly… I really don’t know what to do anymore. I’m drinking minimum 2L of fluids a day, and I’m still getting the scary dark urine. Water is not being absorbed for some reason!! I’ve tried Gatorade, but let’s be real – I had enough of it while plagued with OHSS, it’s not exactly my favourite thing now. I’m trying to eat more melons since the sugar in them apparently helps the fluid to stay in your blood stream, but again – not always helping. I have a fear that my babies are suffering in some way because of this, and that scares me. On top of that, I’m terrified that I’m going to be put on an IV tomorrow. Even if it’s not as painful as I remember; even if it’s only for a few hours… What happens in a few more days when this crap starts up again?

Apple (Baby A) and Banana (Baby B)… You two make me so happy and so worried each and every moment of the day. I can’t wait to see what you two bring me in July!


True or False

Once upon a time, a long, long time ago, I was blissfully unware of what infertility was.  It didn’t seem like such a bad thing that people didn’t have kids – they didn’t have to make sacrifices and deal with screaming, puking, and diarrhea (that wasn’t their own).  When I was in my early 20s, my doctor found a cyst on my ovary and said it was common and we’d watch it.  At that same visit, my sugars were elevated, indicating pre-diabetes.  PCOS was never mentioned, and we never did follow-up with more testing – however, this was my first clue that it was not going to be easy for me to get pregnant.  When Cody and I decided that condoms suck and the spermicidal film was awful, we just figured that having kids was easier than birth control.  We were ready, we were about to get married, and we wanted kids.  That was in 2008 and we never even came close to a positive pregnancy test.  In 2013, we started seeing our fertility specialist and went through the hardest, most difficult test on our marriage.  Knock on wood, we’ve made it out alive.  And honestly, the fact that we didn’t ever have anything more than a few 3AM fights is nothing short of amazing.

During these different phases of my life, I always made personal vows to myself on how I would be when I (finally) got pregnant.  They started out superficial (“I will not stop painting my nails”) and became slightly more serious (“I will not obsess over every twinge”).  I’ve stuck to some of them, but a lot of them flew right out the window.  I thought it would be interesting to list some of them and see how I’m doing.

1.  I will always make sure I look cute.
FALSE. Seriously, I am lucky if I shower every day. The first trimester was the worst. Between puking and sleeping, I didn’t give a shit what my face looked like. Now that I’m almost 15 weeks in, I’ve started to care a little more and will even put some makeup on… mostly to cover the ridiculous acne I’ve developed.

2. I will love every single symptom I’m blessed with.
TRUE. Well, mostly true. I embraced the vomiting; I loved how tired I was; my boobs never got so sore that I felt the need to complain. The only thing I’m not in love with is my acne, and that’s pretty much because one of my asshole bosses has pointed it out to me on more than once occasion… and this woman already has two kids. Tact, anyone? Oh, and pregnancy gas is no joke, people. It’s embarrassing, painful, and frequent. You are warned!

3. I will continue to use nail polish.
TRUE. I stopped at the beginning of my pregnancy because I was too tired to do my nails. There was a brief moment where I considered that nail polish could be harmful, but after some due diligence, I’ve found safe nail polish and occasionally will paint my nails. When I’m not too tired.

4. I will not yell at my husband.
FALSE. I don’t do it on purpose. However, my tolerance level for his bullshit it quite low and I find myself calling him out more often than before. Before pregnancy, I told myself that I would be happy and joyful, than I would do anything and everything to see Cody smile and be excited. This is true – until he tells me that it’s time for maternity pants.

5. No more baths!
FALSE. I threw this out the window in my 2WW. I take a long, WARM, bubble bath almost every day! I do it to relax, but also to remove the stink that it common to my pregnant body.

6. I will relax when I see/hear the heartbeat(s).
TRUE-ish. I was overjoyed for a day or two, and then realized I was only 7 weeks along and that anything could still happen.

7. I will relax when I pass the day I miscarried my Bumble.
TRUE-ish. I was a nervous wreck on the day that I miscarried (7w3d). And then on the actual day (December 30th). They were hard day to get past, but when the day ended with no spotting, there was a little bit of relief.

8. I will relax when I am out of the first trimester.
TRUE-ish. My risk for miscarriage is now incredibly low. I’ve had 4 ultrasounds showing two healthy, strong babies with perfect heartbeats. I’ve had the NT scan showing those two babies are at a very, very low risk for abnormalities. However, there are times when my back aches and/or I have a burning type of cramping going on and I just think the worst is about to happen. I try to keep it at bay, but it’s hard. I need a home ultrasound machine.

9. I will not buy a Doppler.
FALSE. At week 11, I had an ultrasound that showed Baby A’s heartbeat was 119. Previously, she’d been at 160. This drop freaked me the eff out and I bought a Doppler that day. Her heart has since increased, and there was no real explanation as to what happened. She could have been sleeping, my heartbeat could have been in the way, no one knows. I’m just glad it’s back up! When I use my Doppler, she’s now always between the high 140s and mid 150s.

10. I will not call my babies “The Twins”.
TRUE. We call my babies “the babies”, “Baby A/Baby B”, and even “the chickens”. We are adamant on not calling them “the twins” and are going to work very, very hard for them to have their own identities. So far, no one in our families have called them “the twins”, and we’re hoping to keep it that way. We are also never going to dress them up the same, with the exception of Hallowe’en, when we make them go as the creepy twins from The Shining.

11. I will be excited about preparing.
FALSE. Picking out the theme for the nursery sent me into a panic attack, almost. Picking out the paint color took a lot of convincing. I haven’t moved a thing out of the room that is to become the nursery. We’ve only purchased a few things, and each time I freak out a little inside. None of that compares to the near meltdown I had when Sears called to tell me that the two car seats and stroller my parents bought us were ready. We put everything together, practiced a little, and then I wanted to cry. I can’t explain it well, but every time we get something, I am terrified we’re going to jinx the babies somehow. I know this is irrational, but I cannot help it. I am so afraid of what we would do if something happened and I had to come home to all of this stuff and a beautiful nursery. It’s a catch-22 as well, since the risk of me delivering these two early is so high, you have no choice but to be ready super early.

12. I will not turn my blog into a baby-only blog.
FALSE-ish. I am trying not to talk about babies and only babies. To stop that, I’ve actually pretty much abandoned my blog. I feel the need to write sometimes, but then think that it’s only going to upset some people. I’ve been thinking about deleting the entire blog and moving on, but it’s not something I’m 100% set on just yet.

13. BFP’s in the community will make me happy – finally!
TRUE-ish. Well, I don’t know. Sometimes I’m happy, other times I still get weirdly jealous. It makes no sense to me at all. There are a few people I’m really hoping will see their BFP’s soon and I will be nothing but ecstatic, this I know (esp. GB, EK!)

14. I will not blame my hormones.
FALSE. No only does everyone else do it for me, but when I find myself in a particularly bad mood, I’ve actually said “You know what, I’m pregnant and allowed to be a bitch. Deal with it,” to my poor husband. Thankfully, I don’t THINK this has happened too often…
UPDATE: I just came home from the first lacrosse game of the season. I told off an drunk asshole who was getting a little too close for comfort and then pushed my way (quite forcefully) through the crowd to get outside. I mentioned to Cody that I was getting annoyed and he said “yeahhhh… I heard you getting loud.” Apparently I do not like people in my space. I am thinking I might be giving my lacrosse seats away 😦

15. I will not ignore my pets.
TRUE. I adore them so much, ignoring them seems cruel and unnecessary. I’m sure that with two babies crying and needing diapers changed every hour that there’s a possibility that my Toby-Bear might not get his midnight snuggles, but he will always get cuddles from me when possible.

16. I will be HAPPY.
TRUE. So, so true. Despite my anxiety, crankiness, tiredness, and paranoia, I am so happy. Watcvhing my husband stare at our babies is awe, makes me melt. Watching him use the Doppler to find both babies, makes me melt. Watching Cody check out my belly, talk about paint colors, and even the endless window shopping he makes me do, causes me to freakin melt! This is what I wanted – to make him happy, to make him a Daddy. I absolutely cannot wait to watch him get up for a 3AM feeding, either!

with love,

2015: Year of the Sheep

My friends, I have delayed in writing this post for a million reasons, mostly because I am terrified. And feeling weirdly guilty.

I am 7…9…11…13 weeks pregnant.

Last year I lost my Bumble at 7w3d suddenly. Since his loss, I had two chemical pregnancies. This marks being pregnant four times in one year, and there were a lot of moments when I was questioning “why me?” And “why would this one work?”, among a lot of other negative questions. Especially when I started spotting one night, two days before my official beta test. Or when I went home from work in tears because I was experiencing pain. I know loss all too well and I am so scared to go through another miscarriage.

But those were the really early days (I say that like it’s not still early). I am now pinning anything and everything baby related. We’ve told more people than we said we would. I am so excited and happy because this is going to work. And if for some reason it doesn’t, i don’t want to regret that I’ve lived in worry and anxiety. Those feelings cannot be good for baby!

UPDATE: I have been given the go ahead by my high-risk ob gyn who is the head of the research department at one of the best hospitals in Toronto to feel free to spread the news. So now our entire families and friends know.

A lot of things have changed my mind about this pregnancy. I feel different, just generally more happy and positive. I was officially pregnant at 10dpo, but I knew at 9dpo. When I spotted, it was literally for about 10 total minutes, it was light pink, and also a side effect of the PIO. Or my placenta getting comfy, according to my doctor. When I had pain at just over 5 weeks, my clinic had me come in the next day only to confirm everyone was where they needed to be and it was probably just stretching, maybe a possible UTI starting. I have so many symptoms, it’s amazing and i love them all – even the puking. I’ve had an amazing number of ultrasounds, all showing amazing progress. And to top it off, we saw the heartbeat again yesterday.

Sorry, make that heartbeats.

UPDATE: we can now find the heartbeats on the doppler I swore I would not buy.

We have two beautiful babies growing at the same speed, wonderfully close to each other, with amazing little poppy seed hearts that beat beautifully.

Cody and I are so overwhelmed and happy. And grateful. And excited.

That early bump picture makes a lot of sense now, huh? Lots of bloat, lots of chub, and double the amount of baby!

We will be bringing these little lovies home in June or July 2015: year of the sheep.

I love you all and appreciate all of the support over these last two years. What I’d do without you guys, I don’t know.