Once upon a time, a long, long time ago, I was blissfully unware of what infertility was. It didn’t seem like such a bad thing that people didn’t have kids – they didn’t have to make sacrifices and deal with screaming, puking, and diarrhea (that wasn’t their own). When I was in my early 20s, my doctor found a cyst on my ovary and said it was common and we’d watch it. At that same visit, my sugars were elevated, indicating pre-diabetes. PCOS was never mentioned, and we never did follow-up with more testing – however, this was my first clue that it was not going to be easy for me to get pregnant. When Cody and I decided that condoms suck and the spermicidal film was awful, we just figured that having kids was easier than birth control. We were ready, we were about to get married, and we wanted kids. That was in 2008 and we never even came close to a positive pregnancy test. In 2013, we started seeing our fertility specialist and went through the hardest, most difficult test on our marriage. Knock on wood, we’ve made it out alive. And honestly, the fact that we didn’t ever have anything more than a few 3AM fights is nothing short of amazing.
During these different phases of my life, I always made personal vows to myself on how I would be when I (finally) got pregnant. They started out superficial (“I will not stop painting my nails”) and became slightly more serious (“I will not obsess over every twinge”). I’ve stuck to some of them, but a lot of them flew right out the window. I thought it would be interesting to list some of them and see how I’m doing.
1. I will always make sure I look cute.
FALSE. Seriously, I am lucky if I shower every day. The first trimester was the worst. Between puking and sleeping, I didn’t give a shit what my face looked like. Now that I’m almost 15 weeks in, I’ve started to care a little more and will even put some makeup on… mostly to cover the ridiculous acne I’ve developed.
2. I will love every single symptom I’m blessed with.
TRUE. Well, mostly true. I embraced the vomiting; I loved how tired I was; my boobs never got so sore that I felt the need to complain. The only thing I’m not in love with is my acne, and that’s pretty much because one of my asshole bosses has pointed it out to me on more than once occasion… and this woman already has two kids. Tact, anyone? Oh, and pregnancy gas is no joke, people. It’s embarrassing, painful, and frequent. You are warned!
3. I will continue to use nail polish.
TRUE. I stopped at the beginning of my pregnancy because I was too tired to do my nails. There was a brief moment where I considered that nail polish could be harmful, but after some due diligence, I’ve found safe nail polish and occasionally will paint my nails. When I’m not too tired.
4. I will not yell at my husband.
FALSE. I don’t do it on purpose. However, my tolerance level for his bullshit it quite low and I find myself calling him out more often than before. Before pregnancy, I told myself that I would be happy and joyful, than I would do anything and everything to see Cody smile and be excited. This is true – until he tells me that it’s time for maternity pants.
5. No more baths!
FALSE. I threw this out the window in my 2WW. I take a long, WARM, bubble bath almost every day! I do it to relax, but also to remove the stink that it common to my pregnant body.
6. I will relax when I see/hear the heartbeat(s).
TRUE-ish. I was overjoyed for a day or two, and then realized I was only 7 weeks along and that anything could still happen.
7. I will relax when I pass the day I miscarried my Bumble.
TRUE-ish. I was a nervous wreck on the day that I miscarried (7w3d). And then on the actual day (December 30th). They were hard day to get past, but when the day ended with no spotting, there was a little bit of relief.
8. I will relax when I am out of the first trimester.
TRUE-ish. My risk for miscarriage is now incredibly low. I’ve had 4 ultrasounds showing two healthy, strong babies with perfect heartbeats. I’ve had the NT scan showing those two babies are at a very, very low risk for abnormalities. However, there are times when my back aches and/or I have a burning type of cramping going on and I just think the worst is about to happen. I try to keep it at bay, but it’s hard. I need a home ultrasound machine.
9. I will not buy a Doppler.
FALSE. At week 11, I had an ultrasound that showed Baby A’s heartbeat was 119. Previously, she’d been at 160. This drop freaked me the eff out and I bought a Doppler that day. Her heart has since increased, and there was no real explanation as to what happened. She could have been sleeping, my heartbeat could have been in the way, no one knows. I’m just glad it’s back up! When I use my Doppler, she’s now always between the high 140s and mid 150s.
10. I will not call my babies “The Twins”.
TRUE. We call my babies “the babies”, “Baby A/Baby B”, and even “the chickens”. We are adamant on not calling them “the twins” and are going to work very, very hard for them to have their own identities. So far, no one in our families have called them “the twins”, and we’re hoping to keep it that way. We are also never going to dress them up the same, with the exception of Hallowe’en, when we make them go as the creepy twins from The Shining.
11. I will be excited about preparing.
FALSE. Picking out the theme for the nursery sent me into a panic attack, almost. Picking out the paint color took a lot of convincing. I haven’t moved a thing out of the room that is to become the nursery. We’ve only purchased a few things, and each time I freak out a little inside. None of that compares to the near meltdown I had when Sears called to tell me that the two car seats and stroller my parents bought us were ready. We put everything together, practiced a little, and then I wanted to cry. I can’t explain it well, but every time we get something, I am terrified we’re going to jinx the babies somehow. I know this is irrational, but I cannot help it. I am so afraid of what we would do if something happened and I had to come home to all of this stuff and a beautiful nursery. It’s a catch-22 as well, since the risk of me delivering these two early is so high, you have no choice but to be ready super early.
12. I will not turn my blog into a baby-only blog.
FALSE-ish. I am trying not to talk about babies and only babies. To stop that, I’ve actually pretty much abandoned my blog. I feel the need to write sometimes, but then think that it’s only going to upset some people. I’ve been thinking about deleting the entire blog and moving on, but it’s not something I’m 100% set on just yet.
13. BFP’s in the community will make me happy – finally!
TRUE-ish. Well, I don’t know. Sometimes I’m happy, other times I still get weirdly jealous. It makes no sense to me at all. There are a few people I’m really hoping will see their BFP’s soon and I will be nothing but ecstatic, this I know (esp. GB, EK!)
14. I will not blame my hormones.
FALSE. No only does everyone else do it for me, but when I find myself in a particularly bad mood, I’ve actually said “You know what, I’m pregnant and allowed to be a bitch. Deal with it,” to my poor husband. Thankfully, I don’t THINK this has happened too often…
UPDATE: I just came home from the first lacrosse game of the season. I told off an drunk asshole who was getting a little too close for comfort and then pushed my way (quite forcefully) through the crowd to get outside. I mentioned to Cody that I was getting annoyed and he said “yeahhhh… I heard you getting loud.” Apparently I do not like people in my space. I am thinking I might be giving my lacrosse seats away 😦
15. I will not ignore my pets.
TRUE. I adore them so much, ignoring them seems cruel and unnecessary. I’m sure that with two babies crying and needing diapers changed every hour that there’s a possibility that my Toby-Bear might not get his midnight snuggles, but he will always get cuddles from me when possible.
16. I will be HAPPY.
TRUE. So, so true. Despite my anxiety, crankiness, tiredness, and paranoia, I am so happy. Watcvhing my husband stare at our babies is awe, makes me melt. Watching him use the Doppler to find both babies, makes me melt. Watching Cody check out my belly, talk about paint colors, and even the endless window shopping he makes me do, causes me to freakin melt! This is what I wanted – to make him happy, to make him a Daddy. I absolutely cannot wait to watch him get up for a 3AM feeding, either!