The first thing the OB GYN did was give my husband his sperm test results. Where they like to see a number over 20 million, he has 10 million. And where they want to see motility over 50%, he has 30%. But this was not bad news, per se. This was something they could work with! No need to worry. These numbers might also be inaccurate since if Cody was sick within the last 74 days, it would affect his results. He’d been really sick over Thanksgiving, so this could be the reason for the lower number. Another test in February, and we’d re-evaluate.
Then she looked at me.
I confirmed that my periods are irregular. Sometimes 28 days, sometimes 40. She told me that this is a good sign that I am not ovulating every month, which WAS a problem and I would need to go to a fertility clinic. Once I am there, I would be tested for a full cycle, every day. I would need to get up early and go in for an appointment daily where my blood would be taken and an ultrasound, to monitor my egg production and/or release. If I do ovulate, they would call me and tell me to light some candles, put on some sexy music and have at it. If I did not ovulate, then I’d need to start medication.
Let’s hit “pause” for a second:
My OB GYN is fantastic. I waited for over a year to get my first appointment with her. She has an amazing reputation, is a member of different associations, and has too many fancy diplomas. When you call the office, you have a very good chance of speaking directly to the doctor, if needed. When you have a test done, she often calls you directly with the results. With all of this you would think she’d be an egotistical, stuck up doctor – but she’s just so nice. All of the time.
So even when she’s telling me to expect a very invasive ultrasound every day and blood tests each morning, it didn’t sound so bad. And then when she told me that I might have to go on medications that have a high probability of making you have twins, it never sounded horrible. She told me that I was “lucky” – all of my tests would be covered by OHIP. I’d, of course, have to pay for any medications needed, but if we have insurance (and we do), then those could be covered too! It didn’t sound completely awful. The next step after making sure that I was ovulating (with or without crazy expensive, multiple-baby-causing medications) was a sperm wash, which would likely be needed if the second test for my husband came back with similar results. This – not covered. But hey – very, very good chance in resulting in pregnancy! Can you put a price on that? So they take his boys and literally wash away all of the chemicals and lazy fellas and insert them into me when I’m ovulating. I never realized there was a legitimate comparison when people made the turkey baster reference. I said it sounds painful, the doc said it was about as uncomfortable as a pelvic exam…. not so fun, in my eyes. But worth it, if I could get pregnant.
Cody and I went home. And I feel ridiculous writing this, but when we got home, I just got into my bed, held my favourite cat (yes, I kinda like one of the cats more than the other. I’m horrid.) and I cried. I mean REALLY cried. I was (and still have been since the news) feeling sorry for myself. I feel like we can do something with Cody’s results – and I’m happy for that! But for me, I have to go through even more and there’s no real promise of me getting pregnant… or even staying pregnant. Yup – the risk of miscarriage is much higher, and yes – because I’m diabetic, it’s notched up even more.
Cody keeps telling me that it’s not really bad news. Bless his big, beautiful heart, he’s an eternal optimist. Me, not so much. When he says these things to me and seems to be perfectly fine with this report on our reproductive systems, it makes me feel ridiculous. Like I’m making a bigger deal of all of this than it should be. But shouldn’t I be upset to know that I may need to have medications and blood work and ultrasounds just to see if that one little egg is even there? Sure, we have some options, and we’ll exhaust all of them – but what if they don’t work? It’s not the end of the road yet… but I still feel like I’m missing something that every other woman has.
And it’s juvenile, but I just feel like it’s not fair. I am fully aware of how hard other people have it. There are people living on the streets, babies with no food, natural disasters all over the world. I get it – I really do. I am sympathetic to all of that. And all of the things that people are dealing with all over the world makes me feel even worse about feeling the way that I do about all of this. And still… I can’t help the way I feel.
In my last post, I talk about how I came to realize I wanted babies. Over the 10-ish years that I’ve decided I wanted babies (and lots of them) it’s the one thing I know will make me complete. I have a great husband, an amazing home and a new home on the way, great family and awesome friends. And with all of that, I am so blessed, but I know being a wife and Mum is what I’m supposed to do with my life. How can I have a backup for that plan??