It’s amazing how 4 years have passed and today still hurts.
4 years ago today I was at work when the cramps started. I went to the washroom and saw the blood. I knew Bumble was gone, but I hoped and I prayed and I begged to be wrong. The doctors showed the required amount of sympathy. The ultrasound technicians were barbaric. My husband cried with me. We went home and I spent the next 4 days in bed or on the bathroom floor crying. The pain was terrible and the loss was devastating.
It’s been exactly 4 years since I was told my baby was gone but “at least we know you can get pregnant.” and they were right, because 4 years later I have 2.5 year old twins who are a complete joy in my life. They are my everything. But 4 years later I sit wonder what Bumble would have looked like. What kind of temperament he would have had. Would he like his sisters? Would he and I have had an amazing attachment? Would P&C Chase him, begging for his attention? Would I still want more kids if I had the 3 of them?
I’ll never know.
Will December 30th always be a reminder of the most painful day of my life, emotionally and physically? Or will I one day want to celebrate new years eve eve again? In 20 years will I forget this awful day?
I have no idea.
I think of Bumble often. Today, especially. I let the emotions do their thing, but I have my girls to look after as well. When they are in bed, I will look at his one and only ultrasound photo and probably cry. And I will then go to bed. Life resumes and has to continue as normal… But I think of Bumble and wish that I had everything I have now, just with a feisty, almost 4 year old little dude included in our bunch.
I loved you fiercely, my love. I still do. I always will.