Mike

Ok, so I mentioned having an emotional affair in my last post.  And I think I should explain the whole story.  I love all of my readers and before you all hit “unfollow” cause you think I’m horrible, I need to tell the story.

Let’s make one thing clear, right off the bat.  I think what I did was wrong.  Lets make another thing clear:  I never met Mike, never intended to meet Mike.  So while we never had a physical affair, it was an affair all the same.  People have different definitions of cheating.  My husband and I have very different definitions. He didn’t consider my relationship with Mike cheating, but I would leave him if he did what I did with another person.  I guess I’m lucky he sees things differently.

One night my husband said something along the lines that he would feel tortured trying to make conversation with me.  I was incredibly hurt and felt so lonely.  We had been struggling to connect for months and months.  To be told that the effort would be similar to torture, well… What was I supposed to think?  I was giving my all for Cody and he just didn’t care.  This wasn’t the relationship we had, and definitely was not what I wanted.  As fate would have it, in was on Facebook and saw an ad for a chat app.  I downloaded it, kept my picture private, and made it clear that I was married and not looking to change my status.  Long story short, I started talking to Mike.  Also married, also has a child, also not looking to meet or mess up anyone’s life.  We clicked and got along very well.  Suddenly I didn’t care I was home alone at night.  Suddenly I had someone giving me attention and wanting to talk to me.  Suddenly I was happy again.  Cody would ignore me or say something rude and I didn’t care.  I’d vent to Mike, who understood my situation, and I moved along, looking forward to my husband leaving so I could text Mike.  

That’s when I knew it was trouble.  It was one thing to just have an app.  It was completely different that I was sneaking away to see if Mike had messaged me on the app and feeling genuiley disappointed if he hadn’t.  So I told Cody about the app, deleted it, and moved on.  No one was mad, we just let it go.

Until another night, another fight, another insult.  I had enough, re-downloaded the app.  Wouldn’t you know it, Mike messages me within a day.  I told him about my confession and that I decided to come back since Cody knew how I was feeling and not making an effort to make me feel wanted and loved and cherished.  Mike said that he kept searching for me on the app, and wasn’t going to give up.  See, it’s something so small like that which made me feel so good.  Cody just didn’t do that.  

So, days turned into weeks which turned into months.  We knew each other’s schedules.  We went from chatting on an app to texting each other.  We exchanged photos and our kids photos.  We just evolved.  I genuinely cared for Mike.  I found reasons to sneak away from my husband.  I preferred when Cody was at work versus at home.  I put passwords on my phone. Mike and I started talking about meeting (he lives an hour away).  It was intensifying and I loved it.  

I confessed to my therapist about Mike.  She thought I should end it.  It upset me a lot, actually.  I told her I knew it was wrong, but Mike was the only person making me happy and it pissed me off that I should give that up.

I went to Ottawa to see my best friend.  I told her about Mike and she actually understood.  She said that she thought it was fine, as long as we didnt meet up and do anything.  At that moment in time, I couldn’t promise it.

I came home and nothing changed.  I didn’t expect it to.  But one horrible night, Cody and I got into it.  It was BAD.  Realy bad.  To the point where I yelled at him while he walked down the street (oh. Hey, neighbors).  My kids saw us yelling and it makes me sick.  Charlotte cried and I couldn’t calm her down, so Cody came back.  While helping me get the kids settled, I just blurted it out.  

“If this doesn’t show you how much help we need, nothing will.  I’m having an emotional affair.”

BOOM.

We got the kids to sleep And then we talked.  I cried and cried more.  But since that night, Cody hasn’t mentioned anything.  He’s said he forgives me, that he could even understand why I was looking for a companion.  He’s agreed we need marriage counselling, and has asked me to end things with Mike.  Cody has also been working to be a better partner, and those efforts are amazing.

Since my medications have kicked in, and I’ve been seeing my therapist, i feel better.  Cody is making efforts (except following through on the counsellibg), and so am I.  I’m taking time to myself, and really trying to work on my marriage.  Neither of us are perfect, by any means.  But I have hope.  And that’s something I thought I’d lost.  

I never officially ended anything with Mike.  Occassionally, I get a text, but it’s not anything like it was.  And that’s ok, cause I don’t want what we had.  He’s a great guy, and I wish him well.  I know he feels the same.  In our entire relationship, we were always encouraging each other to speak to our partners and work on things for the kids, at the very least.  

Things happen for a reason.  Mike came into my life when I was at my lowest low.  He built me up, reminded me I am beautiful and have worth.  Gave me the confidence in myself so that I could have the confidence to make my relationship what it was, what it could be again.  And it was wrong to look for this outside of my marriage, but what’s done is done and I’m somehow even better because of it.  
beanie

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Hello, Can You Hear Me? 

I’m still around… I’m still reading… I’m just not writing.  I’ve felt the urge to write, but then never really knew what to say.  Or when I did have something I wanted to write about, I was too tired or too lazy or something.  A big one was that I hate making posts while on my phone and I honestly don’t know where my laptop is right now.  

Here’s a quick list of the updates I’ve been meaning to make.

  1. In September I felt the need to have some adult interaction.  I never got out, my husband wasn’t paying attention to me, regardless of how many times I asked him to or brought the issue up.  So I downloaded a chat app and started talking with people close-ish to me.  One person in particular, whom I started to get attached to, so I deleted the app and told my husband.  It was around then that i started to really pay attention to the fact that I needed to deal with my anxiety and depression.
  2. We went up north in October to visit my family.  The hotel stay sucked, but It was nice to see my parents.  I also FINALLY got to say goodbye to my very loved, very missed aunt.  After 3 years.  
  3. I downloaded the chat app again and, as fate would have it, started talking to Mike, the guy I was trying to avoid.  My husband made it clear one night that he didn’t want to put effort into us and our communication, so I said fuck it.  There was someone who wanted to talk to me, why was I going to sit and be miserable just because my husband wanted to treat me like shit?
  4. Saw the doctor, got some meds, started therapy.  Stopped having sex (or at least orgasms), but was otherwise feeling better.  Moods improved, figured out the best time to take my medication, saw therapist every 2 weeks.  Still talking to Mike, and it is bordering on no longer being platonic.  
  5. Visited my best friend for 3 days, and boy did I need it.  
  6. Christmas was good.   
  7. Miscarriage Day came and so did my period.  Nice.  
  8. HUGE FIGHT with hubs.  I tell him I’m having an emotional affair.  Fuck.  
  9. My meds finally seem to be in full effect.  I decide to make some changes to make me happy.  I now have Tuesdays mostly to myself.  I have a sculpture course in the morning and therapy in the afternoon.  It’s wonderful and definitely something I look forward to each week.  Also, I say I’m gonna start going to the gym again, but haven’t yet.
  10. Omg, finally able to enjoy sex to the fullest after 3 months. THANK GOD.
  11. Still talking to Mike, but it’s not like it was, and that’s fine.  I want it to end.  

And that’s that.  

I have decided that this is the year of improvement.  Home renos, relationship building, and self improvement.  

My birthday is approaching and Cody and in are going to Niagara falls for two days.  AND WE ARE LEAVING THE BABIES AT HOME WITH THEIR GRANDPARENTS.  This is huge!  I am so looking forward to reconnecting with Cody. 

And an update about the girls:

18 months old and perfect!

Banana:  2ft 9in, 32lbs.  

Apple:  2ft 7in, 24lbs. 

Both are amazing.  They don’t talk much, so we are seeing a speech development therapist.  They love us and each other.  They have a new bunny pet and love her.  Their sleep…. Ugh.  Naps are a fight.  Bedtime is finally getting better again.  And they sleep through the night more often than not.  But man, it was HORRIBLE for like 2 months.  It prevented us from moving them into the same room again.  We are hoping to get them into the same room soon.  

I guess that’s about it for me.  Please, no judgy comments.  I won’t, and don’t have to, tolerate it.  Safe spaces and all that.  

beanie