I am amazed at how little say I actually have in this whole process.
First, I don’t get to pick when I wake up for appointments. I can set an alarm for 4:55AM (because 4:50AM is too early) – but my husband will still wake me up when he wants… which is usually 4:52AM. 3 minutes really makes no difference… except that I’m irritated that I can’t even get up when I want to. (NOTE: Cody doesn’t do it to annoy me. He does it out of kindness. He thinks I’d rather wake up to a kiss and a snuggle rather than an alarm clock. And I would. At 4:55AM.)
I also, apparently, do not get to decide when I can take a break from this fertility madness. I know what you’re thinking: If you want a break, just take a break. But I’ve put so much time, effort, emotion, faith, and money into this that I want to discuss this option with the doctor first. I don’t want my body to rebound from hormones only to have to do this all over again in a couple of months. I want the doctor to tell me what would be best to be able to save my mind but also not cause me to have to go back to square 1 all over again. I didn’t get the chance to talk to the doctor about this today. I didn’t get to see Dr. C, it was Dr. R this morning. There’s always a mad rush in the morning, so we quickly discussed what the plan for this cycle would be and then I was out the door. Well, not out the door, but booking a test.
I don’t understand. I receive all the tests. I take all of the medications. I time this, and check that, and research that thing. But I somehow still feel like I have no control over any of it. How is this possible?
I admit, I am a bit of a control freak. I have what I have in life because I knew what I wanted and did what I needed to do to attain it. Getting pregnant, though, is the one thing I have absolutely no control over. This is something that I’ve slowly come to realize… and it’s a hard pill to swallow.
(Just as a side note here, I’m trying really hard to keep a flow to this post, but I feel like everything is getting scrambled. If it is, I apologize.).
I’m also not in control of any of my emotions. There’s some really high highs and some fucken deep lows. Just when I think I get past the negative pregnancy test with a relatively good reaction, I end up bawling and having those awful, heartbreaking sobs. I always think I’m doing well, and then BAM! It hits me with a tonne of bricks that another month has passed and I have to start all over again.
I also don’t feel like I’ve been given all of the information I need during this process. Like I said earlier, it’s extremely busy in the mornings at the clinic. They’re busy – I can appreciate that. Especially since I feel like I’ve held up their routine. (How? Well, my ultrasounds take twice as long since my left ovary goes into hiding every time. It’s so hard to find her and it’s a long process. I always feel bad about that). So with them trying to see everyone in a timely manner, I never feel like I can have a conversation about what the hell is going on. I know if I just continued to sit when the doctor got up or I just came with a list of questions, they’d address them all. Reality is that I’m so overwhelmed by the time the doctor comes around that all questions vanish from my mind. Not only that, but I’m not overly assertive, so that doesn’t help either.
The good doctor did give me a little hope… he said that I will eventually get pregnant with the Femara and timed intercourse. He said even with the PCOS, he’s not worried. He doesn’t want to rush over into IUI. If I had other health issues and if I were older, yes, he’d want to move forward to the next step. Right now, though, he wants to continue doing what we’re doing. And followed that with this little gem: “You know, there’s only a 6% chance, maybe 7% since you’re young, that this is going to work each time.”. I don’t know what to even say about that. I thought there was like, I don’t know, maybe a 20% chance that our current protocol would work…
Then we were told to book my Sonohysterogram. I’m nervous about this test. Scared is probably more accurate. I don’t like new tests, I don’t like anything I’ve read about the test, and I definitely don’t like that it’s not covered by OHIP and is going to cost $250. I also didn’t get to pick the day or time for this test, and lucky for me – it’s on the same day as a meeting I need to go to for schooling information.
And that’s that. I had a few sobering moments these last couple of days.
here’s a text messaging exchange between Cody and I that I thought you might enjoy:
B: Guess what this fucking procedure is next week? Oh, trans-vag ultrasound, followed by a speculum insertion, a cervix scrub, catheter insertion, then some agitated salt water to fill my cervix.
C: Wow, those things got worse… pretty much in the order you listed them.
B: Yup. Pretty much.
C: What would they use to scrub and why do they need to scrub it??? (I love that he can’t say “cervix”.)
B: I guess to make it clean so there’s no chance for infection from the catheter? This is what the paper says: A SPECULUM EXAMINATION IS THEN PERFORMED, AT WHICH TIME THE CERVIX IS SEEN AND CLEANSED WITH A CLEANING SOLUTION.
C: This sounds more like an invasive and public douching. :S
Oh, how sweet and observant he is. Back off ladies – he’s all mine!!