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No News is…. No News.  

This is an update to tell you that…. There’s nothing to update. I called for an appointment to discuss my brain, but have to wait until November 3rd to see the doc.  The girls are great and will be seeing their infant&child developmental specialist on Tuesday, where I am guessing they will release us as patients since the girls are meeting and exceeding their milestones, except for speech.  I have also enrolled the girls in a play group called Toddler Time, which is weird only because I still call them babies.  

In an effort to try and be positive and happy…

NOVEMBER 18:  I’m taking my first solo trip to Ottawa to see my best friend.  My cousin is going to babysit overnight for 2 nights.  I’m really nervous, but it’s for the greater good.  I need this for ME.  I just keep trying to remind myself I’m not horrible.  I’m really hoping I don’t find a reason to cancel the trip. 

SOON:  we are biting the bullet and buying a brand spankin new ….  VAN.  whomp whomp.  I never wanted a van, but hey, you can’t argue with practicality.  

MY FAV:  Banana FINALLY has a consistent word.  We get “itty cat” sometimes, and very excited “what’s that/dat” a lot, but nothing else, really.  Not even “mama”, which is particularly upsetting.  However, we now get “uh-PA!!” with raised arms as a demand to be held RIGHT NOW.  I love it. 


See ya soon, my pretties.


beanie

Seriously, Life?!

Just when I thought that everything that could go wrong DID go wrong so there couldn’t possibly be anything left…. I then sneezed and peed my pants.
Please excuse me while I go and do some kegels. 

All Alone

Tomorrow, I will be sleeping alone in a hotel room.  I will be eating pizza, Dairy Queen, and sleeping.  I will probably take a bath as well.

And this is voluntary.  As you may or may not know, I am a stay at home mom, so I am not travelling for work.  There is no wedding or event to attend.  I’m just renting a hotel room, about 5 minutes from my home, just so I can be alone.

I am looking forward to it… But I’m also sad.  I am sad that I feel the need to do this.  I am sad to leave my babies.  I am sad that I’m this sad.

I have a few things to do before my hotel stay… I want to get my nails done.  But before that, I need to make an appointment to see my doctor.

It’s no secret that I’ve been struggling with my mental health since the day my babies were born.  I am not blaming them, I don’t even think my issues started after having them.  It was just a hell of a lot easier to ignore my imbalances when I didn’t have two children to care for.

Since the girls were born, I stopped taking my medications that control my diabetes.  I haven’t tested my sugars.  I haven’t done much to take care of my health besides going to the gym, and in the last 3 weeks, I’ve stopped doing that too.  Which is stupid all around, but the gym thing is something that actually made me happy…. so I really don’t know why I stopped.  Each night I set out my gym clothes and every morning I wake up and find reasons why I shouldn’t go.  I just can’t get the energy.

It’s more than just regular stress.  It’s more than my kids being little turds about sleeping.  It’s more than being tired.  It’s not just a bad mood, or my period, or being overwhelmed.  It’s being overwhelmed ALL the time.  It’s being exhausted even after your husband takes the middle of the night freak out, lets you sleep in AND take a mid-afternoon nap.  It’s that every small inconvenience or argument turns into a total meltdown that you look back at with shame.  Something is not right, and it’s time to face that fact.

So, I’m going to see my doctor and I am embarrassed.  I’m ashamed of how I’ve been managing my health.  I am worried about talking to her about my mental health issues…. cause I only did it one other time and that doctor put me on Ativan and it made me a zombie.  I can’t be a zombie with two 16 month old monkeys running around.  I don’t know what to expect.  I don’t want to be lectured.  I don’t want to be judged.  I don’t want to cry, and I know I’m going to cry because I’m crying right now and I cry everytime I talk to my husband about this stuff.  But I have to do it.  I just can’t avoid it any longer.

Here’s to tomorrow.  And to every day after that.

 

beanie

 

Please. Please, Just Sleep

What.  The.  Shit.

My kids went from being great sleepers to suddenly seeing it as a form of medieval torture.

Banana has always gone right to sleep, in her crib, without fussing since the very beginning.

In March, I finally got a rocking chair to help Apple fall asleep.  Since then, we had made major progress, to the point where she was sleeping thought the night and she was even refusing the rocking before being put down.

I don’t know if it’s cause they are getting over this cold… Or cause we went on vacation… Or cause they’re 16 month old toddlers going through the 18 month sleep regression early.  But this sucks.

Banana cries her little face off when you put her down to sleep.  She is also waking up in the middle of the night to be cuddled and it takes at least a half hour to get her back to bed.  And her ONE nap?  Lasts max 45 minutes

Apple is losing her mind when you try to put her down to sleep.  She wants to be rocked for a minimum of an hour.  Its a total freak out until she just cries herself to sleep, basically.  Thankfully, she’s still sleeping through the night and has a full 2 hour nap.  FOR NOW.

It’s killing me, people.  I am not used to the sleep deprivation anymore.

If this is an early sleep regression, it is said to be the worst one AND it can last about 6 weeks.  SIX WEEKS!  Holy Mary, Mother of God.

Helppppppp meeeeeeee.

 

sleepily yours,

beanie

Another October 15th

Of course I remember my Bumble.  People seem to find this weird.  Or sad.  Or pathetic.  No one ever seems understanding.

My trainer at my gym was asking about if Cody and I wanted more kids.  She’s a mother to three, two being twins.  We often talk about kids when we are together.  I brought up the fact that I’ve had a few losses before getting Apple and Banana home, so I wasn’t overly excited to jump on the pregnancy bandwagon.  And fertility treatments are no where in my near future.  She then said to me “you still remember the miscarriages?  I had two, but I knew it was for the best.  I couldn’t handle more kids and they weren’t planned.”  

I remember everything.  I got my very first positive test with Bumble in early November.  I still have the one and only ultrasound of him. I no longer celebrate New Years Eve because I lost Bumble on December 30th.  I can’t go near the hospital where I miscarried because I have panic attacks remembering the trauma.  I am making bread right now in our bread maker, and as I layered the ingredients, I thought about how this was the gift we opened 5 minutes before telling Cody’s parents we were pregnant.  Every August 17th, I calculate how old Bumble would be.  

Yes, I have Apple and Banana and if things didn’t happen the way they did, I might not have these two beauties.  That does not mean I don’t deserve the right to mourn the loss of my first baby, though.

October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day.  I’ve changed my facebook profile picture, put a little status and will light my candle.  Is it enough?  Well, today it is.  I have been silent for so long, but I’m changing that.  I’m infertile.  I’ve miscarried.  These are real, common, serious, devastating issues!    Why should any of us suffer in silence.  

I’m here for you, sisters and brothers.  Just like I know you’re here for me.


Much love, today and every day.  

My kids very rarely get sick.  In 15 months, Apple and Banana have only been sick 3 times.  

We are currently dealing with #4.  And it’s a doozy!

We drove 8 hours north to visit my family on Wednesday last week.  On the way there, B vomited for the first time in her life.  It was terrifying.  She was fine immediately after, and we figured it was car sickness (which has been proven wrong since it didn’t happen again).

We got home on Saturday, and Sunday morning B had a runny nose.  By the afternoon, She was coughing and sneezing.  This morning, A woke up with the runny nose.  By the afternoon, both had moderate fevers, coughing, and sneezing.  And SNOT.  Apple woke up from her nap and was burning up.  She had some awful diarrhea and about an hour after waking up, was barfing.  Just after dinner she was already having diarrhea.

Tylenol, Pedialyte, PediaSure, water, and whatever food they will eat is how we are handling this.  They are sleeping A LOT, and are super snuggly.  We are going to monitor through the night and if there’s no improvement, we will be heading to see the doc!

Side note: hubs and in are both sick as well, which adds another level of fun.  Wouldn’t you know it, Cody actually had me PLACE THE TYLENOL in his mouth for him.  That Man Cold is super serious.  
Send us your get well vibes, please! 

Mama Bear 

It took every ounce of my being not to lose my shit.

Let me set the scene:

We decide to take the girls to an indoor playground.  We’ve been there once before and they enjoyed it so much, we couldn’t wait to go back.

My girls are 15 months, but they are active.  They are also a little big for their age, but still only 15 months.  

At this venue, there are two toddler areas for kids 3 and under.  They are not restricted to these areas, it’s more for shyer kids and if the toddler needs a vacation or some down time.  Less climbing, smaller slides, toys and books.  You get it.  

We took the girls through the obstacle course one time and then decided to hang out in the toddler area for a while.  I left hubs with the kids while I used the washroom and when I came back, Apple was playing with a toy and there was a boy near her, playing with the same toy (4 sides to this thing).  I stood there for a second and then this kid started poking Apple in the belly – HARD.  I moved her away, but she thought it was funny so she kept going back.  This little monster started to full on push my baby, so I moved her away and said to this 3, maybe 4 or 5, year old “Please be nice, she is a baby.”  he looked at me and told me to fuck off.  Not really, but his eyes said that.  Well, Apple goes to go near this little jerk again, so I steer  her away.  This boy says “Its ok, I’m done with that toy.”  Fine.  Against my better judgement, I let her go to the toy.  The minute She went to touch the toy, this kid smacked her hand.  On my way over to move her, this kid pushes my Apple!  I hold her hand, look the little jerk right in the eyes and said “DO NOT push her.”  I didn’t raise my voice, I didn’t cuss, I was calm but stern.  Cody took Apple and led her away, making a comment about there being an scene, and I looked for the kids mother.  There were 10 billion moms there and no one claiming this one.  What bugged me is that there is to be a parent with any kid in the toddler area.  This kids mom should have been a witness to his shitty behaviour.  So, Cody was helping the girls go up the little slide, but we all know from my post two days ago that it is easier, and safer, to handle slides 1 to 1.  I decide to climb up and wait on the platform to help the girls sit and slide (cause A litterally stepped to the edge of the slide and was going to try surfing down. No bueno.)  I send Banana down : No problem.  Apple starts climbing up the steps, Jerk Face barells past her and jumps in front to slide down first.  I’m like “fine…. Let it go.  Find your inner Elsa, beans.”  I wait.  This brat stops at the end of the slide.  Literally stops and looks back at me.  I move Apple to the other side of the slide, HE JUMPS OVER AND SITS DOWN, BLOCKING HER PATH.  

What the fuck, guys?!  Are kids really like this?!  

I had enough and called Cody over.  Wouldn’t you know it, this kid decides to piss off.  I was tempted to send Apple down to kick him in the ass.  I followed Apple down, grabbed my girls and we all went through the obstacle course again, no issues.  

The whole incident really bothered me.  I cannot believe parents let their children act like that towards other kids.  I had no idea I would react so strongly.  My instinct to protect is STRONG.  

I continued to think about it, and near the end of the night I told Cody I was still upset, but for a new reason….

There are always going to be bullies.  Odds are they will be picked on, or self conscious, or whatever.  That is reality, I understand, but what upsets me is this:  I will not always be there to do something about it.  And it kills me.  Knowing that my kids are going to cry because someone hurt them, or their sister, makes me so sad.  I am not looking forward to talks I will have to have where i explain that people are just mean to each other, but please don’t be mean back.

Obviously that means I have to keep my kids locked in the house forever.  
beanie