Do you recognize that song? I was born in the wrong era.
Tuesday: Remember that friend I was telling you about the other day? I went back and checked her original message to me and guess what? There was no greeting. No “Hi”, “How are you?”, not even a “Wazzzzzzup!” Thanks for that, pal. Later that night, I received a Facebook message from her, which was actually very nice. Still, I could not bring myself to reply to her. This is such a regular occurrence with her, I just can’t be bothered to let it slide anymore.
Wednesday: The next day, my bestie, Miranda (Corrine’s sister) messaged my husband. She explained that Corrine was really sorry for upsetting me. There was a long exchange, and Cody didn’t even want to tell me about it. When he did, I held my ground. There is no reason for her to act the way that she did. I was upset, but I went about my day. I cried a bit, but nothing terrible. Cody and I snuggled and went to bed early.
Thursday: Clinic day. I have one follicle and we’ve changed the protocol from doing an IUI this month to timed intercourse. I’m annoyed, but what can I do. If the doctor doesn’t see the point of doing an IUI with only one follicle, who am I to argue? Onward and upward. Or so I thought….
I signed into Facebook and got slapped in the face with a birth announcement from Cody’s cousin. Back when I was pregnant and subsequently miscarried, two of Cody’s cousins were pregnant as well. However, one of the cousins made an announcement to Cody’s sisters and parents that she thought “this one would die” – apparently there were complications and rather than say it tactfully, or even with a little worry, this is the way she worded her sadness that the pregnancy was fragile. I never asked about it after that since I seem to be having a really hard time with baby stuff these days. Anyway, I sign into Facebook and here’s Kathy announcing that she has had a beautiful baby girl! So there I am, stunned because I really didn’t even know that the pregnancy progressed.
And it was that exact moment I deleted Facebook.
The other cousin should be birthing her child later this week.
I proceed to go to work and I tried to talk to my other boss, Phillippa, about my frustrations. She and I are fairly close and she’s a mom, so I thought she would understand…. I was wrong. I explained to her that I was frustrated and may have made the mistake of saying something like “I’m over it” and she took this to mean I was going to quit my job. I re-explained to her that I was just tired and frustrated and overwhelmed. I then got a lecture about how she was working, cleaning, cooking, and working more when she was my age. So I replied with “Well, maybe you’re just a better person than I am.” This did not go over well, and I don’t suggest you doing it. In the end, it was “explained” to me that maybe God sees I can’t handle what I already have on my plate and maybe I that’s why I don’t have kids.
And that was the exact moment I quit my job. Just kidding.
Friday: I’m talking to my other boss, The Queen Bee, about life. I’m explaining to her how I’m feeling about pregnancies and babies and my feelings of inadequacy. She gives me some good advice and then I go home. Cody and I are rushing to make it into the house to eat and then leave for a group thing, and BAM! I walk up the steps and the biggest, most beautiful bouquet of flowers is sitting on my porch.
They’re from Corrine and Miranda.
And it was that exact moment that I realized I’m letting infertility win.
I read the card and started to cry. I felt like a jerk for ignoring all of Corrine’s attempts to contact me. She really was trying to make things right, and I was not going to let her. I felt like a jerk because I was essentially doing what she did to me – I was disregarding her anxiety because I felt like my own was more important. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t regret telling her how I felt or even for getting upset that she told me the way she did. I regret the way I acted from that point forward. I really, really hate feeling like I’ve hurt someone. She miscarried too. She was scared and needing to talk to me, but I was too caught up in my own personal drama to realize that.
I wrote them both a really long email that night. I told them I loved the flowers, and then I went into a very detailed explanation about why I’ve been distant. I told them about all of the treatments, the miscarriages, the anxiety, the fear. Their responses were amazing.
” I knew to some extent how much time, effort and even $$ you guys were putting into it, but I had no idea how much emotionally you were struggling.”
“I actually will never think of you as “fragile” because someone who’s fragile would have given up on being a mom a long time ago. I think you’re brave and strong. You’re brave because you’re doing these things to your body just to have a family. You’re strong because you haven’t let these obstacles get in the way of your dreams.”
“I want you to feel like you can talk to me at any time about this, TMI or not, you’re my best friend forever, Details make it easier for me to empathize and really know your struggles and maybe would even help me check in with you more often just to make sure you’re still doing OK despite all the treatments.”
” I knew that you were having a rough time but I had no idea how much treatments were hurting you as much has helping you.”
“I don’t know what your plans are with the treatments, but I hope that you think about how you’re feeling before you make any decisions on it.”
“I wanted to apologize again for not saying hi to you before I just spilled my guts I think I just had alot on my mind, and I didn’t think to ask you what was on yours. I was not trying to be a shitty friend but I was. I wanted to Thank you for helping me through my hard times as well, I think that’s why I just spilled my guts, you are easy to talk to about this.”
I have noticed that I’m always focused on how people are hurting my feelings, but haven’t stopped to think that maybe I’ve been hurting theirs as well. That’s not very nice, now is it?! I don’t think I’m wrong for finally worrying about myself. If a “friend” isn’t really acting like your friend, you should tell them. Just like they should be able to tell you if you’re upsetting them. If you can’t be honest with them, are they a true friend anyway?
I am so glad that Miranda, Corrine, and myself are still good. It meant a lot to me that they were willing to listen and finally learn what Cody and I have really been going through. It meant a even more to me that Corrine was willing and able to see that she’d hurt me. It meant the most that both of them cared enough to try and make things better.
Miranda and Corrine: If by some weird chance you’re reading this: I love you both. I’m sorry that infertility has made me self centered and given me tunnel vision. I appreciate and need your support, but I know that I need to be there for the two of you as well. You’ll never know how much I love the two of you! I know we’ll be BFF’s 4life 😉