Today was as good as yesterday! With the exception that I woke up in a huge amount of pain, causing me to nag my poor husband all morning.
The news from the doctor is this: I ovulated all of my eggs last night, most likely 4 – 5. Quality over quantity, my friends – which is not necessarily how I like my Christmas gifts. My estrogen didn’t climb too much higher, which is good, and my level is OVER 5000. WHAT?! No wonder I’m not feeling so lovely. Cody’s sperm wash was good again, 36 million, 60% motility. Since I am in considerably more pain today, I was given the instructions to stay at home and relax until Monday. They want me to take Dostinex for the next 8 days and keep up with the 1L of Gatorade. I am supposed to call in on Monday and let them know how I feel, then it’s progesterone check on Wednesday.
I might skip the Dostinex since it’s so expensive. If I am not moderately better tomorrow, I’ll fill the prescription. Sleeping, liquids, and snuggly kittens have helped a bit so far. It’s really only painful to stand, sit, sneeze, walk, and drive over potholes.
My next goal is to shower. I’m a greasy, gross mess. Though, it IS Halloween…..
My socks were not nearly as fabulous today, but none the less, here they are:
Have a good weekend, friends. I really hope you’re all doing well. Oh, and please check out Ramblings from a Barren Heart – she’s starting an online book club and it’s sure to be fabulously fun!
It’s a bright sun-shiny day here in my part of Ontario. I am also officially PUPO! I’m not normally one to claim to be “pregnant until proven otherwise”, but it’s what I’m going to do for the next two weeks. It cannot hurt.
Instructions from my doctor:
Drink Gatorade – I am to drink at least 1L a day for the next little while. It would appear that my estrogen is so great and my ovaries are so active that I’m experiencing mild OHSS. The Dr. offered me some expensive medication if my bloating and discomfort doesn’t go away, but I think I’ll be fine. It’s also a free pass from having to go to the gym for the next few days. I will ALWAYS take the free pass on skipping the gym. 21 days to form a habit? Maybe… but my body only likes to develop habits that involve Cheezies, pasta, and bread, apparently. Take from that what you will.
Instructions from my husband:
Sleep. Relax. Keep my feet up. Eat. Sleep more. Sure!
Instructions from myself, for myself:
Be happy. Eat well. Do the St. Gerard novena. BELIEVE!
Apparently everything looks good. My estrogen (as stated above) is really high, indicating that I should definitely release a fair number of eggs, and of good quality. I will be ovulating today (I think I felt ovulation pain for the first time today! Quite pinchy!), so I’ve been instructed to take it easy and consume some Tylenol, if needed. Cody’s sperm results were very good as well – 50 million swimmers and 60% motility. Swim, little men, swim! Ultrasound was fine, IUI was fine – no pain with either!
I already know this is good stuff. This just might be the cycle that brings home Baby C.
IUI #7 Part B tomorrow! I hope it goes as well as today did!
And now for your viewing pleasure:
Those are my feet while waiting for the doctor to come in. Yes – those socks definitely say “#awkward”. Appropriate, no?
I went to bed before 10 last night because I was feeling like TOTAL crap. Sick to my stomach, running to the washroom, barely able to stay awake kinda crap. I took my temperature, SURE that it was running high since I was freezing but my skin felt hot. It was 35.1 (95.2) and “normal” temperature should be about 37.0 (98.6)! I didn’t think much about it, but today I’m still reading in the low 35s and, of course, my Google research tells me I could die or be totally fine.
Right off the bat, the morning started out horrible. I was still tired and feeling crappy. Cody was annoying me so much in the car. I got to the clinic and there were 56 people ahead of me. Someone brought her husband who continually blew his nose so loud, it was almost like a cartoon impression. All I could think was if this guy gets me sick and this effs up my cycle, I will break into the clinic, find their names, and pay them a personal visit.
I was eventually ushered to the ultrasound room. I won’t get into the gory details, but this wench was trying to pop my ovaries with her wand. It was painful and embarrassing, but I was mostly pissed off by the time she was finished her torture. I sat in a consultation room with my husband and when the doctor came in and asked me how we were doing, I jumped at the opportunity to tell her that they needed to fire the ultrasound technician or I was going to go to another clinic.
Just kidding! Calm down. I didn’t really channel my inner Naomi Clark.
I did tell the doctor that I was frustrated with the tech and it didn’t seem right that all of my ultrasounds were normal before and now they’re painful, long, and rage-inducing. Dr. C told me that she agreed, and then hurried ahead with the cycle monitoring results.
Last time I had a 1.3, 1.2, 1.1 and a bunch more, totaling about 10 follicles. Today, I had a 1.5, 1.4, 1.3 and a few others, apparently not worth mentioning.
HOW?! How can I be pumping myself with a ridiculous amount of medication and still have such little progress?
Dr. C seems to think that it was a mistake for Dr. R to lower my dose of Bravelle. Had it stayed at 300 units, she thinks that I probably would have been triggered today. Instead, I’m on 2 more days of Bravelle with a possible trigger on Wednesday, IUI’s hopefully on Thursday and Friday. Dr. C noted that my cycles are usually long and I haven’t successfully lowered a dosage of Bravelle before. It always slows down the growth of my follicles… why Dr. R didn’t see that, I don’t know. Next, Dr. C went into a little more detail about the blood work I had done, looking over each and telling me that it was normal and I don’t have Lupus (yay!). She does agree that a low dose daily aspirin will be good in case my body is trying to rid itself of “foreign tissue” AKA my embryos, so I’ll start that after ovulation.
So I guess I’m back to waiting… and injecting.
In the car, on the way to drive Cody to work, I had (another) meltdown. I’ve been trying so freaking hard to be positive this cycle (I’m taking your advice, Elisha). But I guess I had enough and it was too early for mediocre news, cause I got MAD. After I was mad, I got sad and when I’m sad I cry and claim that I’m all alone in the world. Cody tried to cheer me up, he said all the right things, but I just wasn’t having it. At 7:47AM, I declared I was not going to finish this cycle, I was never going back to another clinic, I would not be having anymore transvaginal ultrasounds, I would not be living in our city anymore, I wanted to sell the house, and we didn’t need to be married if I wasn’t going to be able – or willing – to give Cody kids.
I know what you’re thinking, and I agree. My poor husband.
Sometimes he just doesn’t give up though. In the middle of bawling, Cody then delivered one of his classic gems:
“Peep, you know how sometimes you’re taking a shower and the hot water starts to run out? So the shower is cold but there’s still just enough warm water so that you don’t feel like you HAVE to get out? You’re the warm water in my shower.”
Then, when I’m leaving work, my lovely husband and I had this textual conversation:
C: I am going to turn the day around, we will end on a high note 🙂
B: Can’t wait.
C: I have a special dinner planned.
B: You don’t have to plan anything.
C: Already did 🙂
C: I thought we could use warm water for our cold shower of life.
B: Your metaphors are weird.
C: I think your phone spelled “apt” wrong.
I’m now sitting here, trying to cheer up. I’m not going to quit this cycle, or even the next. I am going to try and be positive and happy. I’m going to love my husband and appreciate all he does for me and our future babies. Even if he has the weirdest comments.
To whoever is reading this. To whoever is listening. To whoever might be mildly interested or be deeply invested. To any and all of the powers-that-be…
I’m ready to be triggered. I don’t know if my ovaries will give that same testament tomorrow, but I’m ready. I do not want to put another follicle-stimulating, mood-swing-causing, bloat-and-nausea-inducing injection into my body for the rest of this cycle.
I’m ready to start having a full 8 hours of sleep instead of getting up before 5AM just to drive to the clinic for a traumatizing ultrasound.
I’m ready for all of the “horrible” pregnancy symptoms. I want to puke, I want (more) stretch marks, I want food aversions, I want to feel fat(ter). I will not complain – I will love each and every second of it, knowing my baby is getting bigger, healthier, and happier by the second. And hey, I’m already tired all of the time because of the injections/progesterone/lack of sleep, so I’m ready to be exhausted too.
I’m ready to be a mama. When I hold a baby, I tend to let the parent(s) and viewers give me “tips”. Truth be told – I do that for their benefit. I know how to hold a baby. I know how to feed them, burp them, get them to stop crying. I know how to pass a baby from one person to the next. However, I let the parents tell me what to do cause I know that it makes them less nervous if I sit there and follow their instructions. Here’s a secret though: I have 8 – that’s right, 8 – nieces and nephews. I’ve held, fed, burped, and changed most of their diapers. I’m ready.
CD 14 tomorrow. Bring on the good news and trigger shot. I’M FREAKIN READY!
I don’t really know where to start! I guess this is going to be one of those generic updates.
October 13th: Thanksgiving day AND Cody’s birthday! I woke up feeling irritated and it was only intensified when Cody received a text message from one of his sisters and she was bitching at him because he wasn’t going to their parents place that day. I told him to go for it – he doesn’t need my permission – and went to lay down. We got into a heated conversation where I ended up explaining for the 186th time that I don’t appreciate the bullying his family does to us. If we say we can’t show up for some occasion, we will inevitably be attacked by someone in his family until we give in and go over. My own parents are very hands-off with us, and that’s probably because they realize we’re adults, living in our own house, creating our own little family. We don’t have to go to birthdays, BBQ’s, and holidays if we don’t want to. My parents get it – Cody’s parents seem to still think he’s 14 and needs guidance on how to live life. OVER IT!
Oh, and I got my period about 15 minutes after we ended the conversation.
October 15th – I’m in the beginning of my very long work week and wouldn’t you know it, off to the clinic at 4:45AM. I have the most second most mortifying transvaginal ultrasound of my life and once again, good ole lefty cannot be found by this terrible ultrasound tech. My RE thinks we should still go ahead with an IUI and believes the left ovary will “come out of hiding”. We reluctantly agree. Lupron flare up protocol and back to the clinic in a week. Blood results from the scary blood panel I had completed reveal everything is normal, however my RE suggests baby aspirin in my 2WW this time…
October 18th – FINALLY THE WEEKEND! I take Cody for his birthday adventure – Archery lessons! I actually participate and find it a lot of fun! I am “injured”, with a weird circular bruise in the middle of my forearm (where the string was vibrating against). AND – my arrow ended up getting closest to the center. Later that night was Cody’s “surprise” party. It was a great time! One hiccup – I had to discreetly give myself the Lupron injection, which I messed up. I squirted out half a dose and ended up having to poke myself twice. I have a HUGE bruise on my stomach, which I may be using to guilt Cody with.
October 21st – My day off, but I’m again heading to the clinic at 4:45AM. Once there, I explained to Manuela that I’m annoyed with the ultrasound tech because it’s been weeks and she has not been able to find my left ovary. I’m not comfortable with doing injections and an IUI and we don’t even know what’s happening on the left side. My RE is useless as he seems to believe that if there was anything going on, we’d see it … which proved to be bullshit last IUI. Lena came back from vacation and found the very active left ovary in 5 seconds and no one was able to find it in the week she was gone. Anyway, when Manuela is finished drawing my blood, she marches over to the ultrasound tech and started to give her shit/pointers, explaining that it’s really important to find the left side. Up on to the table I go, and after a painful 10 minutes, there’s the left side. Congrats, genius. I guess it was there the whole time…. Honestly, this tech will single-handedly make me leave this clinic. Anyway, there are about 5 follicles going and I’m disappointed with this number. I know, I know – it only takes one egg and one sperm. My Lupron dosage is lowered even more and I’m on 300 units/night of Bravelle. My B-Complex vitamins are helping, but I’m working with my incompetent co-worker today, so I don’t know how well I’ll be able to contain the rage.
So that’s it. I’m still working out, but my eating has been getting a little worse. I’m down about 10 pounds, which I’m happy about. I will be making my meal plan tonight and getting back to being more strict. During my IUI week, I’ll stop anything strenuous and only walk/yoga. After that, I’ll go back to the gym and work out, but avoid certain exercises and machines. I jumped the gun on joining the gym, but I had to do something! I don’t regret it.
I’m back to the clinic tomorrow to see where I’m at. I’m hoping for a Tuesday trigger, IUI on Wednesday and Thursday (my days off next week). And two weeks after that, I’m hoping for a strong, sticky, BFP!
Oh, and I got my name for the mug exchange! Just a hint – I follow you, and you follow me. We are also both from this big beautiful country called CANADA! I’ll be mailing my mug out this weekend….
No faint second line. No strong second line. No second line, period.
I’m ok with it. Cody’s birthday is this weekend, as is Thanksgiving. Plus we’re planning a party next week and there is a lot to do in preparation for that (I’m a little OCD with how clean my house must be in order to accept visitors). There is no time for moping and bitching. The show must go on!
It is what it is. One day it will be what I want. Yes, I am sad. No, I am not shocked. We did timed intercourse… if that was going to work, it would have in the 4 years we were trying BEFORE seeing an RE, or it would have worked in the 8 months of timed intercourse that was doctor recommended. Would it have been nice for this cycle to be THE ONE? Absolutely. But maybe it’s the next one? No one knows.
Have a great weekend, people. In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I’d like to say that this year I am thankful to have Cody by my side day in and day out. I couldn’t function without him, some days. I am also thankful that my family is happy and healthy!
On Monday, we had repair guys from our home builder come in and, obviously, repair some issues with our floors. In order to do this, we had to move everything out of our bedroom and into the other rooms temporarily. When they left and before we moved anything back into the room, I suggested that we paint our “feature” wall. He was up for it, so off to Home Depot we went. We bought a neutral, brownish color and started painting the wall. When the feature wall was complete, I looked at the other walls and noticed that they were more yellow than cream and it clashed with the new color. Well, not really clashed, but reminded me of these chocolate and banana lollipops I used to get when I was a kid.
This color combo was not what I had in mind, so I told Cody we had to paint all of the walls. When we were just about finished (one wall left to go), I told Cody I hated it. He gave me a fake “Ha. Ha. Verrrrry funny, peep” and I looked at him with the straightest face I could manage. “No, seriously. It’s too dark,” I replied. He looked horrified and I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I said I was joking and he told me it was ok, but to make a decision before the second coat went on.
Turns out, I love the color. I’ll post a before and after picture when we’re finished putting everything back.
Last night, I was on Pinterest and sure enough, came across something I knew Cody would hate:
B: Oooh, look! Cauliflower cheese sticks!
C: Fuck. Off.
B: They actually look kind of good. I’m just going to make them for you and not tell you. You’ll probably love them.
C: Yeah, ok. (with a look of horror that I might actually do it)
B: Actually, you’ll come home and I’ll say “Look! I made cheese sticks!” and you’ll say “No you f-ing didn’t. We’re on a diet.”
C: (Looking relieved and as if HE came to that conclusion) It’s gross. I mean, come on. You have to work so hard to fake good food? Congratulations. You literally just made cheese covered cauliflower. Not cheese sticks.
B: They probably have garlic butter on them. Wait! I should make them for our party next week.
C: Yeah! And then we can never have people come over again!
If you don’t know, I love his cauliflower rants. They are hilarious.
I also find any opportunity to scare my husband. Whether it’s forcing him to watch a scary movie (we’re going to see Annabelle soon!), jumping out when he’s not expecting it, or telling him I hear weird noises, I LOVE IT. I also hide on him. I can twist myself into weird positions which make it easy to hide in certain spots. In our condo, I squeezed between our washing machine and the wall and it took Cody forever to find me. My best spot in the house was fitting myself in our linen closet, under the bottom shelf – very awkward and uncomfortable. Why do I do this? Well, I hide when Cody doesn’t expect it. He will then realize I’m “missing” and I’ll hear his sad voice call out my name. When I don’t answer, you hear him say “Aww, man……” in an ever more distraught voice – he knows the game is on. He will try to wait me out and not look for me, but I’m determined. When Cody finally starts the search, he brings a broomstick. Instead of opening shower curtains, he pulls them to the side with the broom. He turns on each and every light. Instead of opening doors like a normal person, he flings them open super fast and jumps to the side. He hates it and I love every second of him hating it.
I think I just realized I’m an evil wife.
I love my husband and I love being able to mess with him.
I wait 3 weeks, minimum, to take a pregnancy test. As soon as I have my period, I am already looking forward to the second week of the 2WW. I’m an obsessed woman.
When the second week of the 2WW rolls around, I start counting off the days until it’s no longer “too early” to test. Usually 9 or 10 days past ovulation. It is then that I will start trying to convince Cody that it’s actually a good idea to start taking the pregnancy tests. He never agrees, but he’ll take me to the store to buy the tests anyway. To try and stop me is futile.
Once I take a test, as I did yesterday AND this morning, this is pretty much how it goes:
ALWAYS read the instructions – yes, it’s dip the stick for 5 seconds, wait 3 minutes.
I then wait in the other room for 2 and a half minutes. When there are about 30 seconds to go, I give myself this talk:
Beanie. Let’s be realistic. You KNOW it’s too early to test. When you walk in there and see one stupid line, it does not mean the game is over yet. It’s early. Although you want it to be positive, it might just been too early still. Don’t give up, but don’t be surprised.
I then walk into the bathroom, turn off my alarm. I grab the stick angrily (every time), and quickly glance. Yup – negative.
I will then be just about to toss that stupid thing in the garbage, and wait! Is there a line? There’s a line! Faint, but it’s there!
I will then turn on assistive lighting, hold the thing closer to my face (ew) and then further away, I will venture to another room so that I can see the result window in natural lighting. Yep – that’s got to be a line. I mean, it’s barely there, but it’s gotta be way too early for an evaporation line to show! And just cause it’s a little grey, rather than pink… Whatever. It’s a line. Maybe?
I will then start questioning the likelihood of being pregnant.
There’s no way that this cycle could result in a positive. It was timed intercourse! We did 8 solid months of timed intercourse when we first started seeing an RE and it never worked. There’s no way that this is what will get us pregnant! We definitely need IUI. This was our “break”.
I will then start telling myself why it could have worked.
Why couldn’t it work? I mean, I started going to the gym 4 times a week. I’m eating so much better! I lost 8 freaking pounds in under 3 weeks. My insulin is PERFECT. My progesterone must have been great because I didn’t get a call telling me to up any dosages. This is actually OPTIMAL! And yes, there’s only a few symptoms, but it’s too early for that anyway! PREGNANT!
I will, sadly, continue to look at that test. I will sometimes take pictures so that I can zoom in. I will sometimes flip those pictures to negative in case that can pick up the line I’m clearly (maybe) seeing. I have been known to break apart the test, though I don’t know why. I will look at these tests for as long as they are available, until Cody catches a clue and empties the trash cans without me knowing. Lord knows I won’t do it!
I have an issue though (clearly). I only use FRER tests now. They’re more sensitive than the others and likely to give me that precious BFP earlier. The thing is, I know where that line should be. So most of the time, I don’t know if it’s really there, or I just know it would show up there. I will continue to use FRER’s because they are better, but they also give me hope. They give me time to imagine the positive, to be excited, to not be so negative. With any other test it’s just over after the 3 minutes.
So yes, my friends. I tested yesterday and I’ve tested today. I think there’s a line, but there’s probably not. Either way – life will continue to move forward and I’m hoping to not test again until Thursday, when I’m 2 days early. Talk about having something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving if this turns out to be positive!