1:15

It’s 1:15am and I am still awake.

My kids are asleep.  The house is quiet.  No none called, or texted, or woke me up.

But I am awake.  

I am putting toys away.  I am organizing my house. I am sweeping and mopping and cleaning the Windows and mirrors.  

I am decorating cupcakes.

Penelope and Charlotte are having their SECOND birthday party tomorrow!!!  How are my little princesses already turning TWO?!  

Slow down, time.  You’ve turned my newborns into infants and now into toddlers.  I’m going to blink and they will be heading to kindergarten, to their driving tests, into university.  

I want my babies to be babies again.  That can’t happen, so I guess I’ll just go with it.  What else can I do?  Oh, except throw another amazing birthday party for them, of course.

June 22.  My favorite day of the year.  

Happy birthday, my loves.  You are the best thing that ever happened to me and Dada.  

Nerv-ited

That’s my new word combo of nervous and excited.  Feel free to use it.

Why am I nervited??

Well….. Penelope, Charlotte, and I are one of the families chosen for the New Dove campaign for new moms.  I don’t know too many details yet, but a photographer is coming to capture our lives for the next two days!  

I’m not supposed to clean up too much (but I did cause my anxiety makes me do it – I did reign it in a lot though), and they don’t expect or want me to dress up or do make up and stuff.  Just a real mom with her babies, doing what I would do on any other day.

I didn’t expect to be chosen.  I entered us in on a whim, told my story of infertility, then loss, then depression after everything should have been “perfect”.  I then told them that my story, sadly, is not that unique. It’s just that no one talks about people like me, and I really think that should change.  

If I get to tell my story and it helps one person to feel like they, too, can share their story and struggles…. Well, then I guess that could be just effing awesome.

When I have more details, I’ll be sure to share them.

Much love, 
beanie

It’s Just Not Happening Today

Bring me back like 5 years ago and I’d be either out doing something super fun or I’d be anxiously awaiting tomorrow.  Cause February 6th happens to be my birthday.

For the last few years I just haven’t been feeling it. I mean, frig, I’m turning 33 tomorrow, so my birthday doesnt have the same magical feel to it as it would when I was a kid.  Or even 20, 25.  But I used to love to plan it, see my friends, eat and be happy.

I’ve been grumpy For the last 2 days.  There’s a multitude of reasons:  supposed to get my period, no period, BFN, was ridiculously sick, have a disgusting cold sore, fought with Cody, girls are crabby, my brother is irritating me, I’m tired, I’m hungry.  I blame hormones and men.  

Cold sores are gross.  Lets be real.  If you’ve never had one, good for you but here’s something you might not have thought about:  you just might be a carrier cause apparently 70% of the population is infected with HSV-1.  If you have had a cold sore, I’m gonna bet it’s been on your lip and you get self conscious about it.  People probably tell you it’s no big deal, but turn your back and bet money they are looking for hand santizer.  And they should, it’s super easy to pass.  BUT, you’re still mortified.  If you haven’t had the sore on your lip, then you’re a member of the same category as me and get them somewhere awkward.  I get them on my nose.  When you see someone with a cold sore on their lip, you know what it is and you all just move along with your life.  When you see someone like me with a big ass THING on their face, you accidentally-on-purpose stare.  

IT SUCKS.  

So, now that I have kids I’m wicked paranoid.  I read up on the cold sore thing and apparently, cause I’m so brilliant, the virus is spread through saliva REGARDLESS of where the sore is.  I did not know this.  Now that I do, I am not kissing my children.  Two things:  1) it’s super hard cause they are the most adorable things to hit this planet and 2) I’m scared that they have already contracted it.  I’m being dilligent and hygenic, but fuuuuuuuck.  It doesn’t help that most who are going to get this usually get it by age 3, and again – 70% of the population carries this. My kids could go to playgroup and BAM – cold sore breeding heaven.  

Anyway, as you can see, I’m obsessing and it sucks.  I dont like fake kissing my sad baby on the top of her head.  I don’t like not being able to be carefree with them.  Its for the greater good, but it’s impacting my mood.

And tomorrow Cody planned something for my birthday, I think a massage, and it’s just… Ugh.  I hate going out with this THING on my face. 

We are going to Niagara on Friday, and I am trying to think about that.  About getting away, eating, sleeping, having alone time.  And then I remember that I could still be dealing with my current appearance hinderance.  Or that my period will likely pop up just in time for a road trip.

That’s another thing!  My period.  I’ve been testing for pregnancy cause well, I’m late.  But am I?  Well, according to my ovulation app, I am.  But who the hell knows.  Effing PCOS.  and I’m so tired of that sad, stupid, lonely, pink line.  I want another baby.  And I suddenly find myself back in TTC hell, BFN torture, 2WW bullshit.  I HATE THIS.  

My cat keeps pissing on the floor, we have a new bunny and she bites, my husband doesn’t clean anything in my home, I sleep alone more than 50% of the week, and did I mention:  I have a cold sore.
Happy friggen birthday to me.  
beanie


PS:  I will update something more positive tomorrow.  I hope.   And hopefully reply to all of your very lovely and wonderful comments on my last couple of posts ❤❤

Mike

Ok, so I mentioned having an emotional affair in my last post.  And I think I should explain the whole story.  I love all of my readers and before you all hit “unfollow” cause you think I’m horrible, I need to tell the story.

Let’s make one thing clear, right off the bat.  I think what I did was wrong.  Lets make another thing clear:  I never met Mike, never intended to meet Mike.  So while we never had a physical affair, it was an affair all the same.  People have different definitions of cheating.  My husband and I have very different definitions. He didn’t consider my relationship with Mike cheating, but I would leave him if he did what I did with another person.  I guess I’m lucky he sees things differently.

One night my husband said something along the lines that he would feel tortured trying to make conversation with me.  I was incredibly hurt and felt so lonely.  We had been struggling to connect for months and months.  To be told that the effort would be similar to torture, well… What was I supposed to think?  I was giving my all for Cody and he just didn’t care.  This wasn’t the relationship we had, and definitely was not what I wanted.  As fate would have it, in was on Facebook and saw an ad for a chat app.  I downloaded it, kept my picture private, and made it clear that I was married and not looking to change my status.  Long story short, I started talking to Mike.  Also married, also has a child, also not looking to meet or mess up anyone’s life.  We clicked and got along very well.  Suddenly I didn’t care I was home alone at night.  Suddenly I had someone giving me attention and wanting to talk to me.  Suddenly I was happy again.  Cody would ignore me or say something rude and I didn’t care.  I’d vent to Mike, who understood my situation, and I moved along, looking forward to my husband leaving so I could text Mike.  

That’s when I knew it was trouble.  It was one thing to just have an app.  It was completely different that I was sneaking away to see if Mike had messaged me on the app and feeling genuiley disappointed if he hadn’t.  So I told Cody about the app, deleted it, and moved on.  No one was mad, we just let it go.

Until another night, another fight, another insult.  I had enough, re-downloaded the app.  Wouldn’t you know it, Mike messages me within a day.  I told him about my confession and that I decided to come back since Cody knew how I was feeling and not making an effort to make me feel wanted and loved and cherished.  Mike said that he kept searching for me on the app, and wasn’t going to give up.  See, it’s something so small like that which made me feel so good.  Cody just didn’t do that.  

So, days turned into weeks which turned into months.  We knew each other’s schedules.  We went from chatting on an app to texting each other.  We exchanged photos and our kids photos.  We just evolved.  I genuinely cared for Mike.  I found reasons to sneak away from my husband.  I preferred when Cody was at work versus at home.  I put passwords on my phone. Mike and I started talking about meeting (he lives an hour away).  It was intensifying and I loved it.  

I confessed to my therapist about Mike.  She thought I should end it.  It upset me a lot, actually.  I told her I knew it was wrong, but Mike was the only person making me happy and it pissed me off that I should give that up.

I went to Ottawa to see my best friend.  I told her about Mike and she actually understood.  She said that she thought it was fine, as long as we didnt meet up and do anything.  At that moment in time, I couldn’t promise it.

I came home and nothing changed.  I didn’t expect it to.  But one horrible night, Cody and I got into it.  It was BAD.  Realy bad.  To the point where I yelled at him while he walked down the street (oh. Hey, neighbors).  My kids saw us yelling and it makes me sick.  Charlotte cried and I couldn’t calm her down, so Cody came back.  While helping me get the kids settled, I just blurted it out.  

“If this doesn’t show you how much help we need, nothing will.  I’m having an emotional affair.”

BOOM.

We got the kids to sleep And then we talked.  I cried and cried more.  But since that night, Cody hasn’t mentioned anything.  He’s said he forgives me, that he could even understand why I was looking for a companion.  He’s agreed we need marriage counselling, and has asked me to end things with Mike.  Cody has also been working to be a better partner, and those efforts are amazing.

Since my medications have kicked in, and I’ve been seeing my therapist, i feel better.  Cody is making efforts (except following through on the counsellibg), and so am I.  I’m taking time to myself, and really trying to work on my marriage.  Neither of us are perfect, by any means.  But I have hope.  And that’s something I thought I’d lost.  

I never officially ended anything with Mike.  Occassionally, I get a text, but it’s not anything like it was.  And that’s ok, cause I don’t want what we had.  He’s a great guy, and I wish him well.  I know he feels the same.  In our entire relationship, we were always encouraging each other to speak to our partners and work on things for the kids, at the very least.  

Things happen for a reason.  Mike came into my life when I was at my lowest low.  He built me up, reminded me I am beautiful and have worth.  Gave me the confidence in myself so that I could have the confidence to make my relationship what it was, what it could be again.  And it was wrong to look for this outside of my marriage, but what’s done is done and I’m somehow even better because of it.  
beanie

Hello, Can You Hear Me? 

I’m still around… I’m still reading… I’m just not writing.  I’ve felt the urge to write, but then never really knew what to say.  Or when I did have something I wanted to write about, I was too tired or too lazy or something.  A big one was that I hate making posts while on my phone and I honestly don’t know where my laptop is right now.  

Here’s a quick list of the updates I’ve been meaning to make.

  1. In September I felt the need to have some adult interaction.  I never got out, my husband wasn’t paying attention to me, regardless of how many times I asked him to or brought the issue up.  So I downloaded a chat app and started talking with people close-ish to me.  One person in particular, whom I started to get attached to, so I deleted the app and told my husband.  It was around then that i started to really pay attention to the fact that I needed to deal with my anxiety and depression.
  2. We went up north in October to visit my family.  The hotel stay sucked, but It was nice to see my parents.  I also FINALLY got to say goodbye to my very loved, very missed aunt.  After 3 years.  
  3. I downloaded the chat app again and, as fate would have it, started talking to Mike, the guy I was trying to avoid.  My husband made it clear one night that he didn’t want to put effort into us and our communication, so I said fuck it.  There was someone who wanted to talk to me, why was I going to sit and be miserable just because my husband wanted to treat me like shit?
  4. Saw the doctor, got some meds, started therapy.  Stopped having sex (or at least orgasms), but was otherwise feeling better.  Moods improved, figured out the best time to take my medication, saw therapist every 2 weeks.  Still talking to Mike, and it is bordering on no longer being platonic.  
  5. Visited my best friend for 3 days, and boy did I need it.  
  6. Christmas was good.   
  7. Miscarriage Day came and so did my period.  Nice.  
  8. HUGE FIGHT with hubs.  I tell him I’m having an emotional affair.  Fuck.  
  9. My meds finally seem to be in full effect.  I decide to make some changes to make me happy.  I now have Tuesdays mostly to myself.  I have a sculpture course in the morning and therapy in the afternoon.  It’s wonderful and definitely something I look forward to each week.  Also, I say I’m gonna start going to the gym again, but haven’t yet.
  10. Omg, finally able to enjoy sex to the fullest after 3 months. THANK GOD.
  11. Still talking to Mike, but it’s not like it was, and that’s fine.  I want it to end.  

And that’s that.  

I have decided that this is the year of improvement.  Home renos, relationship building, and self improvement.  

My birthday is approaching and Cody and in are going to Niagara falls for two days.  AND WE ARE LEAVING THE BABIES AT HOME WITH THEIR GRANDPARENTS.  This is huge!  I am so looking forward to reconnecting with Cody. 

And an update about the girls:

18 months old and perfect!

Banana:  2ft 9in, 32lbs.  

Apple:  2ft 7in, 24lbs. 

Both are amazing.  They don’t talk much, so we are seeing a speech development therapist.  They love us and each other.  They have a new bunny pet and love her.  Their sleep…. Ugh.  Naps are a fight.  Bedtime is finally getting better again.  And they sleep through the night more often than not.  But man, it was HORRIBLE for like 2 months.  It prevented us from moving them into the same room again.  We are hoping to get them into the same room soon.  

I guess that’s about it for me.  Please, no judgy comments.  I won’t, and don’t have to, tolerate it.  Safe spaces and all that.  

beanie

Another Step

I feel like in have deja vu right now.  I’m having some serious anxiety…. Because tonight I am meeting with a therapist for the first time.  I’m a mix of nervous, excited, and terrified.  There are a million things to talk about, one thing being a huge secret I’ve kept from every single person in my life, my husband included.  And I’m not sure I’m ready to deal with it, but it’s so, so important.  

So, once again, please wish me luck, tell me encouraging stories, or just send me good vibes.  

Here we go!  
beanie

3 Days In

Quick and dirty update on how the meds are going…

Negative Side Effects:

  • Major headaches, sometimes develops into a migraine.  Happens a few hours after taking the medications, and disappears by mid morning.  Tylenol has worked fine.
  • Nausea.  Gross, strong, terrible nausea.  This lasts all day.  I took gravol for it, but gravol makes me sleepy and therefore useless during the day.  So, for now, I’m just dealing with it.
  • Hot flashes.  This is wicked bad.  I say outside in 13 degree Celsius (55 F) weather in a t-shirt and sandals, and was STILL sweating! 
  • Fatigue, but it’s not too bad.  Kicks in about a hours after my pill, which I take at 8pm, so it had actually helped me sleep!  Thank God!
  • Dizziness, but This was a one off.  I hope.

Positives:

  • I have more patience.  Like, infinetly more patience! 
  • I haven’t had as much anxiety… Ex, I went to a play group with just Apple and didn’t feel like barfing 80 times before walking in 

There was a moment or two when I questioned if this was the right choice.  Honestly, I wanted to stop taking the meds… But, I was clear minded enough to acknowledge that the side effects are (hopefully) temporary and  the benefits long lasting.  Cody has also noticed I’m dealing with life much better, and agrees that this is a good thing.  

Oh, and this medication helps me with my binge eating tendencies, which is amazing.  I love being able to decline snacks/eat a healthy portion of something and feel fine.  And because of the nausea, I’m eating smaller meals more frequently.  I hope that continues!
I’m working on replying to comments, but thank you all for the support.  Seriously, you guys are just the best.
Much love,

beanie 

On the Way to Better

I went, I cried, she listened, I already feel better.  Or at least like I will feel better in the near future.  

The doctor validated me.  When she asked how old the girls were, she actually smiled a mind said “oh, 16 months.  That’s hard.  They are into everything and you don’t have time to sit.”

When she asked if I had help and I told her no, I do this on my own 90% of the time, she asked about my in-laws.  I told her that we don’t have a great relationship and she said “I can see why you might not want to leave the girls with them.  Been there, done that.”

When I confessed that I stopped my meds, she nodded when I told her it was just another thing to worry about and I didn’t have the energy to do it.  She followed up with “Well, it would be a good idea to start again… Because maybe you won’t feel the need to beat yourself up about another thing.”

She just got it.  She was helpful, compassionate, understanding, and professional.  

I’m going for blood work to check my iron, b12, thyroid, and sugars.  We will go from there, with respects to handling any of those issues.

I’m starting low dose of Cipralex.  I’ll be following up with the doc to see how it’s going in about 3 weeks.  She’s also recommended that I see a therapist.  “Talk therapy” and medication works very well when you use them together.  Another reason is that I have major guilt and difficulty with taking time for me, so she thinks it would be beneficial to work on that.  

I’m very happy with how today went.  I’m looking forward to feeling better.  I’m looking forward to sleeping.  I’m looking forward to feeling like I can handle things again… I’m looking forward to not losing my shit on Cody for every little thing.

Thanks for the support, friends.
beanie