Protected: He Lies to You, beanie

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Food

Food runs my life.

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I have at least one fight a day with Charlotte over eating.  She just will not eat dinner!  Ever!!  No matter what I do, unless it’s chicken nuggets or grilled cheese, she refuses dinner.  Every night.  Tonight, Cody made delicious hamburgers and corn on the cob.  Charlotte ate a cheese slice.  No, not even “real” cheese.  An actual processed cheese slice.  Then threw a fit until we finally just released her to go and do what she wanted while the three of us ate.  It’s ridiculous.  I vow to turn it around… I have my books, my websites, and my recipes.  I will find a way to win this fight, so help me God!

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My father in law is now doing chemo.  He’s had a set back, there seems to be an issue with his bowel now.  They are optimistic that it won’t become serious and he should be able to come home soon.  As with many chemo patients, food is unappealing at the moment and that will only contribute to his digestive issues… so what can Beanie do to help?  Food.  I bought a ridiculously expensive book with freezer meal recipes (along with my own favorite dishes that are good for the freezer!) and I am going to cook, cook, cook.  I will feed my family to keep them healthy and strong.  When my mother in law is too tired to cook, or my sister in laws are just too distracted to make meals, I want them to be able to reach for something homemade.  It makes me feel helpful.  It makes me feel useful.  I love to cook and I love my family – as crazy as they make me – so, I hope these meals will feed their bellies and their souls.

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I am a binge eater.  There is no doubting that.  I have a terrible relationship with food.  Maybe one day I will get into it, but not tonight.  Anyway, I am always talking about how I need to be better, do better, eat better.  Better better better.  And then we started talking about having another child.  So, I started to “track ovulation” which is pretty much like trying to find a leprechaun catching a ride on a unicorn.  No period, bad period, random bleeding.  Off to the doctor I went and she decided to send me to an endocrinologist to look at my blood work.  Well, dear old diabetes is yet again totally out of control.  Like, super out of control.  We decided to switch over to insulin again, but a month later and things are still nuts.  I have an A1C that is literally double what it should be and a fasting sugar that is double and a bit.  No matter what I do!  At my appointment yesterday, my doc suggested that it was possible I am not Type 2 diabetic, that it is possible I am Type 1 diabetic and was misdiagnosed.  After reading about LADA, it makes a lot of sense.  And it fits me and my situation.  I was 24 when I was diagnosed and about 40 pounds heavier than I am now.  And since that time (10 friggen years!), I’ve gone from Metformin to adding in Diamicron, Invokana, Glumetza; tried Humalog, Humulin, and Lantus.  I am now currently taking NovoRapid and Levemir, which are bringing the numbers down… but I am also taking over 100 units of insulin a day!!   I go back to the doctor in 2 weeks and will be tested for Type 1 and hopefully we will be on a maintenance plan instead of more adjustments.

All of that said, I carb counted today and my numbers were good-ish.  However… I feel so hungry.  And its possible that it’s my mind just tricking me; it’s possible that I am adjusting; it’s possible that I’m actually hungry.  And most people would say to just have a snack, but WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN.  Everything is different!  I would have an apple with some peanut butter, but my sugars will be fucked.  My body is so super sensitive to eating anything.  No, I don’t always eat the best… but I am not the worst, either!

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That was a jumbled mess.  Like my brain these days.  Stay tuned for something more coherent next time!

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beanie

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ps – I am eating the apple.

Grandpa

Tomorrow, my father in law will start chemotherapy.

I mentioned a few posts ago that he had been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.  He had Whipple Surgery a couple of weeks ago.  He will be starting chemo now… it seems like a fairly aggressive protocol, but I don’t really know.  He will be taking oral chemotherapy drugs and also on an IV of the drugs once a week for 3 weeks and 1 week “break”, for about 6 months.

I am afraid to watch him deteriorate.  I’m keeping it in – my husband is optimistic and I don’t want to ruin that for him.  His dad is amazingly strong, but I am so scared to watch the battle.

That is completely selfish and this is not about me. 

Of course I will be there for my husband, his dad, and the rest of our family in any way that I can be.  It’s still terrifying.

Faith.  Hope.  Love.

 

beanie

Her Version vs My (Correct) Version

CAITLYN SAYS:  She didn’t have a say as to what house we rented for our weekend in Niagara.

TRUTH:  As a group, it was decided an AirBnB would make more sense than a hotel.  I then researched dozens of options.  I took her suggested home and 3 of the ones that I thought would be good candidates and created a Facebook voting poll for our group message thread.  The others ladies, myself, AND Caitlyn unanimously voted for the house we all liked the best based on price, number of beds, and location.

 

CAITLYN SAYS:  Any time she suggested an activity, she was brushed aside and no one listened to her.

TRUTH:  Caitlyn thought it would be fun to go to a water park and rent a cabana.  I called the location and got prices and posted the information in our message thread.  Caitlyn mentioned a tribute band playing the night we arrived.  In the message thread, I agreed to the concert while a couple of ladies said that they wouldn’t be there in time, but to go ahead.

 

CAITLYN SAYS:  I changed plans multiple times.  I wanted to go to the haunted house, so we did.  I changed dinner plans in order to have my piercing done.  Again, she didn’t have a say in anything, I just got my way.

TRUTH:  We went downtown as a group when that was not necessary.  I wanted to go to the haunted house and said that A) not everyone had to come and B) I was also willing to cancel that idea.  Caitlyn did not even go to the haunted house.  But she did want to go down to the falls, so we did.

I decided to have my nipple pierced, which was something I had been talking about during the whole planning process of this trip.  I left to go and have this done at 4PM.  I was back by 5PM after going to the grocery store to get soda – for Caitlyn.  I went to have a little nap (as did she!) and when I came out, she was still gone and had told everyone that she didn’t want to go to dinner.

 

CAITLYN SAYS:  She was the one to find the other half of our group while all I did was complain.  She then navigated us through the casino to a restaurant and then out and to the nightclub.

TRUTH:  She found the other half of the group because she is a control freak who was uninterested in waiting for instructions as to where they were.  I waited until we knew where we were going.  And yes, my killer sexy heels were killing my feet as we walked all the way across the planet in the freezing cold at maximum speed.  I don’t know about the casino thing, but ok.  As for the restaurant – SHE DIDN’T WANT DINNER!!  And I specifically said I was not hungry.  So fuck off – she wanted to eat.  We went to the club as a group and I don’t know who was leading.  I was probably whining and complaining the whole way there.  I know I was mad as we passed the club I wanted to go to the in first place.

 

CAITLYN SAYS:  For the first hour at the club, she was the only one dancing.  She was there “for hours” and was assaulted twice before deciding to go home.  She then noticed that this club was close to the AirBnB she had suggested and was mad cause she could have walked back alone instead of needing an uber.

TRUTH:  She was miserable and we all knew it.  The thing is this:  I told her she didn’t have to come because I knew it wasn’t her thing and I was ok with that.  I personally wanted to dance and had said this to the group weeks before we even went on this weekend trip.  Regarding the assaults… that really has nothing to do with me.  First of all, I didn’t even know it had happened.  Secondly, I didn’t want to go to this club.  The club that someone told us that the American guys are particularly aggressive at, but everyone insisted would be fine.  More to that next.  And the AirBnB – well we went over that already.

 

CAITLYN SAYS:  She needed to go and buy clothes she didn’t want or need so that we could go out to the club I was forcing us all to go to.

TRUTH:  Part One:  1.  Months in advance, I inform everyone that I want to go dancing, but if it’s not your thing, no worries, I can go alone.  This is the only thing that I really wanted to do over the weekend, so I was going to go, with or without people.  2.  I put our names on the guest list at Club A.  I tell the group.  3.  The morning we are leaving, I show everyone in the FB thread the dress I am bringing to go out clubbing to.  We drove up together and the entire time we are talking about dancing and getting dressed up.  4.  Saturday morning, I tell everyone that the club sent the dress code.  Caitlyn says that she doesn’t have anything to wear to the club.  She says that she will go to value village and buy something.  5.  She got dressed with everyone, she even let everyone do her hair and makeup.

Part Two:  I picked Club A because no one else cared where we went – until Saturday afternoon, AFTER I went to have my piercing.  I came out of the bathroom and everyone was talking about instead going to Club B because there was no cover charge… even though we were informed the crowd of guys were known for being pushy.  Not my choice, but what the group decided.

 

CAITLYN SAYS:  She messaged the group about going to another club/bar that had food and maybe dancing.  Or we could just all go home.  The 3 of them went home and apparently one of them received a message that the 3 of us were also coming home.  She then ordered pizza and went to the balcony.

TRUTH:  I informed everyone before we left to go to the casino/club that my phone was almost dead.  Stupid, I know, but I forgot to charge it.  Anyway, I did not get that message.  One of the girls I was with didn’t even look at her phone, and the last one just said we should go home.  I agreed because… why the fuck would we leave one club to go to another?

 

CAITLYN SAYS:  I called her and the other two “bitches”.

TRUTH:  Yes.  I said “We came home and these bitches aren’t even here.”  All the lights were off, it was quiet, and I had just been told that they found a different bar.  I was annoyed and very, very drunk.

 

CAITLYN SAYS:  She was pissed but kept a smile on her face the whole time.

TRUTH:  She didn’t talk to anyone, she stayed on her phone, she declined to play the group card game to instead sit alone, she then went to bed without much more than a “Goodnight”.  We knew she was pissed off.

 

CAITLYN SAYS:  We ditched her and abandoned her with no food on Sunday morning.

TRUTH:  This part bugs me so much.  I got up in the morning, still a bit tipsy.  We needed to check out at 11AM.  I started packing my crap when it was mentioned that I could drive back in Car B with my bestie and Allie so that we could get me home a little faster and they could see my daughters before they went for a nap (my BEST friend wanted to see her “nieces” because she’d gotten them gifts and hadn’t seen the girls in a year).  There was also freezing rain in Ottawa, where my bestie and A live, so they wanted to get on the road.  I mentioned this to the other two ladies who drove up with Caitlyn and I, and they didn’t see a problem.  Sara was bunking with Caitlyn and she was going to wake her up, but felt bad.  We all then started bringing our bags and shit downstairs, I got in the car and left.  As for the food – 1.  I bought all of that fucking food.  2.  I know I left the bananas, cause Sara wanted them.  3. SHE’S A FUCKING ADULT.

 

CAITLYN SAYS:  We should have woken her up.

TRUTH:  Maybe.  But since she is my neighbour, pretty much (yep, awkward), I didn’t think we needed to have some long, drawn out goodbye.  And since she doesn’t know my bestie and A overly well, we didn’t think she would care either way.  The other two ladies didn’t think it was a problem to just leave, and neither did we.  5 out of 6 people said it was alright to go home, we really didn’t think that we were doing anything wrong.  She then made a comment about the cleaner being the one to wake her up, but… there were two other people there!  Why would waking her up be my job??

 

CAITLYN SAYS:  I didn’t have the balls to call her on Sunday after she texted me to say she was pissed.

TRUTH:  SHE TEXTED ME FIRST.  I then apologized 3 times and she replied with “Thanks”.  I tried to speak with her many times and was shut out.  It was 3 weeks later when I AGAIN reached out to her to see if she wanted to meet.  I text because no one calls anyone anymore, she wouldn’t have answered anyway, and I am busy and don’t want to call her.  If she can give me the silent treatment then she can deal with me texting instead of calling.

 

 

OK, now that I got that out, I feel a bit better.

Honestly, she twisted every little thing to make it my fault.  My husband says that she was just mad and I was her punching bag, she was “projecting”.  And maybe that is the case, but it’s so totally uncalled for.  I am no one’s punching bag – NO ONE.

I have therapy tomorrow… and I’m fairly certain this will be the thing we chat about for the whole hour.  I’m writing to try and get it all off of my heart and out of my brain.  I have been talking to Cody about it, but I don’t want to burden him either.  He and Caitlyn’s husband are good friends.  So, I’ll talk with my therapist tomorrow and then maybe put most of this to bed.

Hopefully.

 

beanie

 

ps – to clarify the assaults:  A female had “hit on” Caitlyn and felt her up; someone elbowed her in the ribs.

I take sexual assault and violence against women very seriously.  Had Caitlyn told me what happened, of course I would have been there to assist, report, whatever needed to happen.  But she did not tell me.

And I hate to say it, but… in a packed club, people get elbowed.  Generally it’s accidental.  Not always, but sometimes.  Once again, had I known, I would have done what I could to help!

Cryptic

I sat across from you at that table in Kelsey’s restaurant, confused and hurt.  You were no longer a friend of mine – the sweet, funny, weird girl I had grown to adore and I was proud to call my friend.  You were now a meal girl, someone who had brought me to that restaurant under the pretense that we were going to talk and work out our, what I believed was a small, misunderstanding,  Instead, I sat across from you at that restaurant and took a verbal beating.  You yelled at me, taunted me, interrupted me, even laughed at me.  You came to that restaurant to humiliate me and make me feel like a terrible person.  I walked into that restaurant believing I would be smiling and laughing over lunch.  Instead I left feeling like an awful friend and was crying.  Right before we left our booth, you said to me “I want to be your friend, but I’m not sure what that means right now.  I consider this event a huge setback for us.”  You made it clear that you needed to think about what our ongoing friendship would look like… and if I was good, if I played the right cards and pleased you enough, we could go back to being the great friends we were before.  You forgot to consider this, though:

 

What if I don’t want to be your friend anymore?

Current State

Paw Patrol is playing in the background right now.  I can’t stand this show.  I really can’t.  It’s doesn’t teach anything.  Maybe distracted driving, and that’s about it.  But, I’m letting the kids watch it… I don’t care today.

My brother has started calling me.  It’s been 1 minute and he’s called twice.  Let’s see how many times he calls by the time I’m finished this post.

Anyway, my tank is empty.  It’s so empty, it feels like the needle is below the E.  And I just don’t even know how to fill it back up.

I’m a stay at home mom… I can’t be “empty”.  But… I’m just so drained.  I’m exhausted, physically.  I went to bed before 10PM and was up a little after 8AM, no interruptions… and still, I’m tired.  I am feeling so impatient with the girls.  I’ve snapped at them, I’ve gotten frustrated cause they’re whiny, or fighting, or wanting to lay all over me again.  I knew that being a mom meant giving your everything to them – and I have.  They literally have every ounce of me, but there is nothing left to give.  Then what?

We visited my father in law yesterday.  He looks terrible.  I am trying to be optimistic, but the stats do not support it.  It’s grim, and that’s the reality.  And pretending otherwise is what I my husband and his family want right now, but it’s exhausting me.  Still, I do it for them.

My FIL and Apple always had an amazing bond, from the beginning.  Yesterday, she stayed close to grandpa.  She sat with him watching tv, she brought and shared cookies with him, and then made him share his gelato with her.  Nothing made either of them happier than being together.

…So in a few weeks, months, hopefully years – what the hell do I tell her when she is looking for grandpa and he’s not there, never will be again?

I am able to recognize that I am not coping well.  I am seeing a new, much more helpful therapist.  I have a doctors appointment to discuss increasing my antidepressants.  I am using the medical cannabis as I should be… And still, I’m just empty.

My parents are of no help.  None.  All they tell me is to take care of the girls and think positive.  Oh how I wish it was that easy.

I know the depression is getting bad.  I need a lot of sleep, I am turning angry very easily, I have no desire or ability to do my job as a mom and wife.  I am letting my girls watch tv all day.  I make the very most basic lunch and then put them for a nap, and I also nap during that time.  I wake up and “take a break” while hubs deals with the girls.  I rarely cook dinner, I’m letting him do it.  Then I go through the motions until bed time… I get the girls down and then I smoke a joint and go to bed.  It’s not healthy.

Even if I could just perk up and be super mom again, I have my brother calling and texting me constantly.  He keeps giving me sob stories about this and that and whatever… I can’t listen.  I know he’s manipulating me.  I can’t stand it.  How can he treat me like that??  So my stress level shoots through the roof again.

How much can one person handle?  I need to get away from everyone, no phone, nothing.  Just be alone for a day.

I know I can get through all of this.  I can.  I have before.  But seriously, I am ready to be given a break.  Anytime.

 

So this is the end of the post.  It took me 20 minutes to write.  My brother has called me 4 times and texted once.  In 20 fucking minutes.  Lovely.

 

 

beanie

 

While adding the tags to this post, brother dearest called 2 more times.  Time to block his calls.

Fuck.

Yeah, its been quite a while since I posted.  I thought about apologizing, but why?  No one cares.  I’m not being negative, I am being realistic.  Life happens.  Would I expect a blogger to apologize to me for taking a break?  No.  So, with that, I don’t think it’s necessary to apologize.

Speaking of breaks though… I think I take them when things are good and I am not super stressed.  And then when something insane happens, I gravitate back to the blog to get my feelings out.

So what is the stressful event causing me to come back?

My father in law was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer yesterday.

I don’t know what to do or think.  I have no idea how to act.  I am so stunned.  And sad.

We don’t know too much at the moment.  He will be going for some scans to see if the cancer has metastasized, and then we go from there.  Surgery might be possible, which might be the best possible outcome.

I’m a planner.  And I’m also a fixer…. but neither of these two things are helpful right now.

I’ve only lost one person in my adult life.  This is so foreign to me.  And because it’s my father in law, I don’t think I can inject myself into the situatio too much.  I don’t think it would be helpful or appreciated, and I understand that.

My husband is a mess, as he should be.  All of our current marriage issues (which actually are very few at the moment) are put aside.  I already run the household, but now I have the extra task of comforting my husband which is something I’m not overly familiar with.  Cody is a very strong and silent kind of guy.  Seeing him cry is breaking my heart.

None of the information I’ve read is promising.  None of it!  And I just cant lie to Cody…. He knows, anyway.  He’s reading all of the same information.

I don’t know, guys.  I’m fucked right now.

My anxiety has already been off the charts.  My brother has been in contact with me, asking for money.  He’s back into the drugs, but this time it’s prescribed.  He’s abusing it.. and that’s because he is an addict.  I don’t blame him for anything, this is just who he is and his struggle.  It causes a lot of stress and anxiety for me… I live in fear of my phone.  If I don’t hear from him, I think he’s dead.  When I do hear from him, I listen to all of the ways he almost died that week (he’s epileptic with uncontrolled grand mal seizures), or trying to make him believe I don’t have money to give him.

And then there’s the problems with my own parents.

And there’s my binge eating, my own stress of being a stay at home mother, my secrets,  everything.  Just everything.

And now this.

December 30th

It’s amazing how 4 years have passed and today still hurts.

4 years ago today I was at work when the cramps started.  I went to the washroom and saw the blood.  I knew Bumble was gone, but I hoped and I prayed and I begged to be wrong.  The doctors showed the required amount of sympathy.  The ultrasound technicians were barbaric.  My husband cried with me.  We went home and I spent the next 4 days in bed or on the bathroom floor crying.  The pain was terrible and the loss was devastating.

It’s been exactly 4 years since I was told my baby was gone but “at least we know you can get pregnant.”  and they were right, because 4 years later I have 2.5 year old twins who are a complete joy in my life.  They are my everything.  But 4 years later I sit wonder what Bumble would have looked like.  What kind of temperament he would have had.  Would he like his sisters?  Would he and I have had an amazing attachment?  Would P&C Chase him, begging for his attention?  Would I still want more kids if I had the 3 of them?

I’ll never know.

Will December 30th always be a reminder of the most painful day of my life, emotionally and physically?  Or will I one day want to celebrate new years eve eve again?  In 20 years will I forget this awful day?

I have no idea.

I think of Bumble often.  Today, especially.  I let the emotions do their thing, but I have my girls to look after as well.  When they are in bed, I will look at his one and only ultrasound photo and probably cry.  And I will then go to bed.  Life resumes and has to continue as normal… But I think of Bumble and wish that I had everything I have now, just with a feisty, almost 4 year old little dude included in our bunch.

I loved you fiercely, my love.  I still do.  I always will.

11:41AM

I’m touched out.  I’m cranky.  The girls are cranky and clingy.  One has a cold, the other is about to get a cold.  They won’t eat, they won’t drink.  Nothing is good enough.  Put the Wiggles on tv – not good enough, we want Peppa.  Put Peppa on, now we want to destroy the house.

I need a babysitter.