11:41AM

I’m touched out.  I’m cranky.  The girls are cranky and clingy.  One has a cold, the other is about to get a cold.  They won’t eat, they won’t drink.  Nothing is good enough.  Put the Wiggles on tv – not good enough, we want Peppa.  Put Peppa on, now we want to destroy the house.

I need a babysitter.

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Didn’t Expect to Ever Do That…

When you’re a parent, you lose all sense of…. Everything.  That doesn’t even make sense, both I lost that ability as well.

Anyway, I never get privacy.  Ever.  I pee with the door open.  Usually I can poop alone cause my husband is able to watch the girls while I run upstairs.  

Yes, this is a poop story.  Elisha, you’ll appreciate a poop story 😉

Ok, so we went to a birthday party and I ate shitty food.  My husband left for work.  Peppa is babysitting, felt the need, so I decided to poop in the en suite with the door open.  Wouldn’t you know it – the short twin comes in and starts getting into trouble.  As usual.  So I’m sitting there, awkward cause I’m pooping and my kid is looking right in my eyes and being a – hahaha – turd.  I started to lecture her and tell her to stop her ridiculous toddler behaviour of destroying anything and everything.  She eventually left.  

Anyway, I just never expected to Ever scold someone while pooping.

I also naively expected to poop in privacy my whole life, but I guess life is full of surprises…

beanie

A Proper Update

I am sitting here and trying to figure out what the heck to write.  I mean, SO MUCH has happened, and I don’t really know where I left off…  I’m also really friggen tired and Char is banging in her bed, so I’m a little all over the place and distracted.

Ok…. so, Penelope.  She is about 35 pounds and super tall.  She’s 99% for weight, high 80s for height and head.  We are still waiting on her 2 year molars.  Her nickname is “P”, and she likes to call herself Super P.  It’s adorable.  P is a very happy girl, as she has been since the day she was born.  She can speak very well, using full sentences.  She is usually pretty clear, but every once in a while I have to guess what she’s saying.  Penelope is still a mama’s girl, rarely picking Cody over me.

Charlotte AKA CharChar.  This little one is about 30 pounds and catching up in height to P.  She has all of her teeth, in fact she did at about 18 months.  That kid is a teeth growing machine!  Miss Charlotte is also a mama’s girl now.  She will go to Cody much more willingly than P, but still prefers me.  Char is very shy around people and will cling for dear life until she warms up.  Bring out a puppy, though, and she’s all yours.  Charlotte is part monkey, I swear to God.  She climbs everything, jumps off shit, freefalls, goes down 6ft tall slides.  Nothing scares this child!  Her speech is coming along, but there is still a lot of incoherent babble.  The words are there, because if you get her to calm down, she will clearly say what she wants/will repeat you perfectly.  Our major issue is that P will talk for both of them, and Char is content with that.  I’m not worried, cause I know it will come when she is ready.

The girls, as a unit, are awesome.  However, truth be told, I am not a fan of toddlers.  The attitude is ridiculous.  And when you have two two year olds, it can get old fast.  P and Char are also far from being besties.  The amount of fighting over toys or me is insane!  I try and try and try to get them the understand sharing, but jesus, they are two year olds who really just don’t get it and are impatient little creatures.  That’s just toddlers being toddlers.  As frustrated as I can get though, I really want time to slow down.  Just today I noticed how independent they are and how quickly it’s going and it really made me sad.

As for moi, I’m alright.  Tired, my back is always sore (I have an issue with my sacroiliac joint), I might have a STONE in my parotid gland which is in your FACE.  I should find out more tomorrow and what the heck happens next.  I am still taking cipralex for my anxiety and depression, which is going ok.  My insomnia got way worse, which was making my anxiety worse, so my doctor prescribed me medical marijuana.  Still testing that out, but it seems to help some stuff (sleep, libido, mood), but its hard to get used to.  Even though its legitimately being used to help me, I still cant help feeling a bit weird about it.

Cody and I are doing way better.  I finally feel happy with him again.  We will be celebrating seven years being married in October!

Another great thing is that I finally have my Mama Tribe.  I’ll write about that in full detail another day.

Ok, time to clean… or something.  Clearly the work never ends, so I best go and find it.

 

beanie

OMG WTF

Does my husband know me???????

I just don’t understand him somedays.

For the last 2 days, even though I am medicated with Cipralex and “other” “meds”, I have had a lot of anxiety and my depression is popping up again.  That is just what happens.  Even though you take meds, you’re still human and you still have feelings, and you still have bad days, and you still cry.  It’s called LIFE.

When my “friend” announced her pregnancy with twins, I flat out told Cody that I was not happy for her.  It’s the truth.  I am NOT happy for her.  Call me a bitch, call me whatever.  I don’t care.  I really am not happy for her.

And since we’ve had the girls, pregnancy after pregnancy have been announced.  I try to say “good for them” or “congrats” or SOMETHING, but really… I don’t usually give a fuck.  I don’t want to think about people and their easy pregnancies or whatever.  Good for them, but leave me out of it.

The last 2 days have been rough.  A lot of things are getting to me, I had a crying episode yesterday, blah blah blah.  So why Cody just came home and announced with great joy that his friend and bitchy wife are expecting their first kid, I have no goddamn clue.

… and I lost it.

“You know what, Cody, I don’t care.  I don’t care about Mike and Henry and Chad and all of their wives having children.  I DON’T CARE!!  Don’t tell me about it anymore!  I don’t want to hear about pregnancy any more!!  I AM NOT HAPPY FOR THESE PEOPLE!  That might make me a bitch, whatever!  I don’t want to know!!”

I don’t understand how after 10 years, 2 solid years of fertility treatment, a miscarriage, chemical pregnancies, and finally 2 babies – this man does not get that this stuff still gets to me.  HOW?!

I know it might seem dramatic.  Maybe it is!  But I feel how I feel and I can’t help it!  I don’t know how else to get it across to him…

Fuck you, infertility.  Leave me alone!!

 

beanie

Starting Again

We went out and finally bought a new computer!  I am hoping that this will make it easier to write my posts more often.  I’ve been wanting to write and get some feelings and thoughts out, but with only being able to use to WP app, I just didn’t have the patience.  I swear – everytime I would write a post, it would delete and I’d have to start over.  Ain’t nobody got time for that.  (I swore I would never use that term, but it seemed apt for this occasion!)

So, my friends – thank you for sticking with me.  I hope to be able to bring you some fun stories again.  And Cody and I are also trying to get pregnant again, so that stuff will be making a regular appearance as well.

OH!  And the Dove campaign!!  I completely forgot.  I’ll post more about that next time.  What an amazing opportunity, let me tell you.

I am also going to be starting another blog, though I am not sure I’ll be posting anything between the two.  Who knows, maybe I’ll link to it as well.

Hope you’re all doing well.  Even though I haven’t been posting, I’ve been keeping up with you all.

Talk to you soon,

 

beanie

WHYYYYYYYYYYYY

How can pregnancy announcements still upset me so much?  

A friend of mine callously announced that she is pregnant with twins.  Oooh, look at you, Fertile Franny!  You can do it so easily, but little ole me needed 2 Fucking solid years of fertility treatments.  She even made a comment that the doctor asked her repeatedly if she did treatments.  She even said that there were 3 in there, but I guess only 2 had heartbeats.  She even said “thank god”, which kind of makes her an asshole.

I’m sick of this feeling.  I want 100 more kids, but I probably wont be so lucky.  And I’m so GD grateful for my amazing little princesses, so I feel terrible for even being upset.

I’m sorry I never post anymore.  I promise to do an update soon.
Love to you all

b.

1:15

It’s 1:15am and I am still awake.

My kids are asleep.  The house is quiet.  No none called, or texted, or woke me up.

But I am awake.  

I am putting toys away.  I am organizing my house. I am sweeping and mopping and cleaning the Windows and mirrors.  

I am decorating cupcakes.

Penelope and Charlotte are having their SECOND birthday party tomorrow!!!  How are my little princesses already turning TWO?!  

Slow down, time.  You’ve turned my newborns into infants and now into toddlers.  I’m going to blink and they will be heading to kindergarten, to their driving tests, into university.  

I want my babies to be babies again.  That can’t happen, so I guess I’ll just go with it.  What else can I do?  Oh, except throw another amazing birthday party for them, of course.

June 22.  My favorite day of the year.  

Happy birthday, my loves.  You are the best thing that ever happened to me and Dada.  

Nerv-ited

That’s my new word combo of nervous and excited.  Feel free to use it.

Why am I nervited??

Well….. Penelope, Charlotte, and I are one of the families chosen for the New Dove campaign for new moms.  I don’t know too many details yet, but a photographer is coming to capture our lives for the next two days!  

I’m not supposed to clean up too much (but I did cause my anxiety makes me do it – I did reign it in a lot though), and they don’t expect or want me to dress up or do make up and stuff.  Just a real mom with her babies, doing what I would do on any other day.

I didn’t expect to be chosen.  I entered us in on a whim, told my story of infertility, then loss, then depression after everything should have been “perfect”.  I then told them that my story, sadly, is not that unique. It’s just that no one talks about people like me, and I really think that should change.  

If I get to tell my story and it helps one person to feel like they, too, can share their story and struggles…. Well, then I guess that could be just effing awesome.

When I have more details, I’ll be sure to share them.

Much love, 
beanie

It’s Just Not Happening Today

Bring me back like 5 years ago and I’d be either out doing something super fun or I’d be anxiously awaiting tomorrow.  Cause February 6th happens to be my birthday.

For the last few years I just haven’t been feeling it. I mean, frig, I’m turning 33 tomorrow, so my birthday doesnt have the same magical feel to it as it would when I was a kid.  Or even 20, 25.  But I used to love to plan it, see my friends, eat and be happy.

I’ve been grumpy For the last 2 days.  There’s a multitude of reasons:  supposed to get my period, no period, BFN, was ridiculously sick, have a disgusting cold sore, fought with Cody, girls are crabby, my brother is irritating me, I’m tired, I’m hungry.  I blame hormones and men.  

Cold sores are gross.  Lets be real.  If you’ve never had one, good for you but here’s something you might not have thought about:  you just might be a carrier cause apparently 70% of the population is infected with HSV-1.  If you have had a cold sore, I’m gonna bet it’s been on your lip and you get self conscious about it.  People probably tell you it’s no big deal, but turn your back and bet money they are looking for hand santizer.  And they should, it’s super easy to pass.  BUT, you’re still mortified.  If you haven’t had the sore on your lip, then you’re a member of the same category as me and get them somewhere awkward.  I get them on my nose.  When you see someone with a cold sore on their lip, you know what it is and you all just move along with your life.  When you see someone like me with a big ass THING on their face, you accidentally-on-purpose stare.  

IT SUCKS.  

So, now that I have kids I’m wicked paranoid.  I read up on the cold sore thing and apparently, cause I’m so brilliant, the virus is spread through saliva REGARDLESS of where the sore is.  I did not know this.  Now that I do, I am not kissing my children.  Two things:  1) it’s super hard cause they are the most adorable things to hit this planet and 2) I’m scared that they have already contracted it.  I’m being dilligent and hygenic, but fuuuuuuuck.  It doesn’t help that most who are going to get this usually get it by age 3, and again – 70% of the population carries this. My kids could go to playgroup and BAM – cold sore breeding heaven.  

Anyway, as you can see, I’m obsessing and it sucks.  I dont like fake kissing my sad baby on the top of her head.  I don’t like not being able to be carefree with them.  Its for the greater good, but it’s impacting my mood.

And tomorrow Cody planned something for my birthday, I think a massage, and it’s just… Ugh.  I hate going out with this THING on my face. 

We are going to Niagara on Friday, and I am trying to think about that.  About getting away, eating, sleeping, having alone time.  And then I remember that I could still be dealing with my current appearance hinderance.  Or that my period will likely pop up just in time for a road trip.

That’s another thing!  My period.  I’ve been testing for pregnancy cause well, I’m late.  But am I?  Well, according to my ovulation app, I am.  But who the hell knows.  Effing PCOS.  and I’m so tired of that sad, stupid, lonely, pink line.  I want another baby.  And I suddenly find myself back in TTC hell, BFN torture, 2WW bullshit.  I HATE THIS.  

My cat keeps pissing on the floor, we have a new bunny and she bites, my husband doesn’t clean anything in my home, I sleep alone more than 50% of the week, and did I mention:  I have a cold sore.
Happy friggen birthday to me.  
beanie


PS:  I will update something more positive tomorrow.  I hope.   And hopefully reply to all of your very lovely and wonderful comments on my last couple of posts ❤❤