Another Step

I feel like in have deja vu right now.  I’m having some serious anxiety…. Because tonight I am meeting with a therapist for the first time.  I’m a mix of nervous, excited, and terrified.  There are a million things to talk about, one thing being a huge secret I’ve kept from every single person in my life, my husband included.  And I’m not sure I’m ready to deal with it, but it’s so, so important.  

So, once again, please wish me luck, tell me encouraging stories, or just send me good vibes.  

Here we go!  
beanie

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3 Days In

Quick and dirty update on how the meds are going…

Negative Side Effects:

  • Major headaches, sometimes develops into a migraine.  Happens a few hours after taking the medications, and disappears by mid morning.  Tylenol has worked fine.
  • Nausea.  Gross, strong, terrible nausea.  This lasts all day.  I took gravol for it, but gravol makes me sleepy and therefore useless during the day.  So, for now, I’m just dealing with it.
  • Hot flashes.  This is wicked bad.  I say outside in 13 degree Celsius (55 F) weather in a t-shirt and sandals, and was STILL sweating! 
  • Fatigue, but it’s not too bad.  Kicks in about a hours after my pill, which I take at 8pm, so it had actually helped me sleep!  Thank God!
  • Dizziness, but This was a one off.  I hope.

Positives:

  • I have more patience.  Like, infinetly more patience! 
  • I haven’t had as much anxiety… Ex, I went to a play group with just Apple and didn’t feel like barfing 80 times before walking in 

There was a moment or two when I questioned if this was the right choice.  Honestly, I wanted to stop taking the meds… But, I was clear minded enough to acknowledge that the side effects are (hopefully) temporary and  the benefits long lasting.  Cody has also noticed I’m dealing with life much better, and agrees that this is a good thing.  

Oh, and this medication helps me with my binge eating tendencies, which is amazing.  I love being able to decline snacks/eat a healthy portion of something and feel fine.  And because of the nausea, I’m eating smaller meals more frequently.  I hope that continues!
I’m working on replying to comments, but thank you all for the support.  Seriously, you guys are just the best.
Much love,

beanie 

On the Way to Better

I went, I cried, she listened, I already feel better.  Or at least like I will feel better in the near future.  

The doctor validated me.  When she asked how old the girls were, she actually smiled a mind said “oh, 16 months.  That’s hard.  They are into everything and you don’t have time to sit.”

When she asked if I had help and I told her no, I do this on my own 90% of the time, she asked about my in-laws.  I told her that we don’t have a great relationship and she said “I can see why you might not want to leave the girls with them.  Been there, done that.”

When I confessed that I stopped my meds, she nodded when I told her it was just another thing to worry about and I didn’t have the energy to do it.  She followed up with “Well, it would be a good idea to start again… Because maybe you won’t feel the need to beat yourself up about another thing.”

She just got it.  She was helpful, compassionate, understanding, and professional.  

I’m going for blood work to check my iron, b12, thyroid, and sugars.  We will go from there, with respects to handling any of those issues.

I’m starting low dose of Cipralex.  I’ll be following up with the doc to see how it’s going in about 3 weeks.  She’s also recommended that I see a therapist.  “Talk therapy” and medication works very well when you use them together.  Another reason is that I have major guilt and difficulty with taking time for me, so she thinks it would be beneficial to work on that.  

I’m very happy with how today went.  I’m looking forward to feeling better.  I’m looking forward to sleeping.  I’m looking forward to feeling like I can handle things again… I’m looking forward to not losing my shit on Cody for every little thing.

Thanks for the support, friends.
beanie

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is the day…  I have to face my fears and put myself out there to a person I effectively do not know.  I have to sit across from my doctor and tell her how tired I am.  How often I cry.  How I feel like the shell of the person I used to be.

How do I even start to explain it to her?  

How do I tell her I’ve completely stopped my diabetes medications without her ripping me a new one?  Will she see this as a side effect of my anxiety/depression, or will I end up lectured about the importance of my medications (which, of course, I know)?

How do I explain that I love my kids more than anything, and I’m in her office as much for them as I am for me?  Maybe more for them.  And to please not send social workers to my house?

How do I explain that even though being a mama has me completely exhausted and overwhelmed, I want to try for more soon?  But I don’t know if it’s a good idea or even recommended when dealing with anxiety/depression.  

I have ten billion things running through my head.  Remember to tell her this… Maybe down play that.  Be honest, but remember to look like a good mom.  

I’m never going to sleep tonight…. And that is another thing to tell her.  Even when I am completely and utterly exhausted, I haven’t been able to sleep in I don’t know how long.  And it doesn’t make sense cause I’m tired and the girls sleep through the night.  But, unless I take gravol or sleep aids, I don’t get more than 4 consecutive hours of sleep.  Ever.  

Oh.  And I have no appetite.  But when I do eat, it’s shit.  So, I’m gaining weight, as well.

Ughhhhh.  

Wish me luck.  Send good vibes.  Tell me to calm the f*** down.  Anything!  

beanie