Feelings… Nothing More Than Feelings (Thank You, Morris Albert!)

I’m so frustrated today!

I wasn’t going to write about this cycle until it was over and I knew the result… I’m a little superstitious and thought that I might end up jinxing it.  Apparently you don’t need to do much to jinx it.

This cycle (CYCLE 9!) we’re doing an IUI.  Our first IUI.  I was so optimistic.  I was fine with doing the injections – whatever.  There are worse things in life…. after the first one, I was good to go.  Might not be the same for everyone, but it was ok for me.  Even the cost of the meds was something I eventually got over.  Well… mostly over.  There is something about paying more for a few vials of medication than we do on our mortgage that made me cry a couple of times, but I was dealing with it.

We’re $2000 in.  I am on cycle day 12.  My follicles (which sounds like there is a fair number of them) are way too small.  The biggest one is 1.2 (12)… but they want them to be 1.8 to 2.0 (18 to 20).  On Wednesday, I had 3 of the same size (0.9) and two of those bad boys are the same mother f’n size today and ONE grew to 1.2.  How is this possible??  I’m shooting myself up with a ridiculous amount of medication and it’s doing nothing?  

My RE decided that I would jack it up to 3 vials a day over the weekend and see how that goes.  Great… I love more guesswork.

I think I’m so frustrated because on cycle 1, I had more follicles and of decent size with Femara alone.  And I happened to release 3 of those bad boys with the help of Ovidrel.  I’m also frustrated because the RE told me that what’d we’d do when we proceeded to an IUI was 5 days of Femara followed by injectables.  Another frustration is that I’m not even on the injectable that she said she’d put me on.  Oh, and I’m pissed of that Bravelle is the “least expensive” option – what the hell do the others cost??  Ahh… and did I mention we’re $2000 in?  Yeah, I’m mad about that too.

I get it – bodies are unpredictable.  You can’t tell what a person will respond well to.  You can’t predict what number and size of follicles you’ll get.  Doesn’t mean it isn’t the most irritating situation.

I’m confused too.  We’re supposed to head back to the clinic on Monday to see how the 3 vials worked, but that means I’ll be on cycle day 15.  At some point, isn’t my body just going to say “fuck it” and ovulate on its own – regardless of the size?  Maybe not, I have no idea how the female body works (and I happen to own one).  And I definitely don’t want the RE to tell me that we’ll just give the IUI a shot… see what happens.  I want the follicles to be big.  I want them to be happy and healthy and ready to meet Cody’s runners.  I want there to be a lot of them (well… a few.).  If everything isn’t optimal, I don’t want to do the IUI.  We’re already pissing away a crap load of money.  I’m not gonna “just see what happens”.

I’m starting a new job next week too.  (Yay me!).  I can’t take time off to go into the city every 15 minutes. Do you think the RE could show some compassion about that?  Nope.  Well, lady – how the fuck do you expect me to pay for these stupid medications??  

I hate you, infertility.  I hate you Bravelle.  I hate you, PCOS.  And if you’re not careful, I’m going to hate you too, Fertility Clinic.  And once you’re in my bad books, it’s really hard to redeem yourself.




Another month.  Another negative.

I’m not surprised.  In fact, I am able to tell about a week before my test whether I’m going to be getting a “+” or not.  I guess that’s not entirely true since I’ve only been getting negative results for the last 8 months of medications and timed intercourse.  So I guess I should say that I’m able to tell if anything is different about a week before my pregnancy test.

I haven’t had my meltdown yet.  I’m sure that will come… maybe later tonight since Cody is working late and I don’t do well with being alone.  Maybe tomorrow.  Maybe CD3 when I’m heading back to the clinic.  Again,  Right now, though, I feel alright.  I felt prepared for this.

I have a lot of things going on.  Too many, actually.  I just took a test last Friday so that I can start Academic Upgrading, which will put me into a Pre Health program, which will ultimately land me into a Pharmacy Technician program.  It was hard – and I’m pretty sure that I did horribly in math.  Ugh.  Cody is also starting school – night school – next week.  I have work things to deal with, a last minute visit from my BFF who lives in a different city.  I have another visitor and her husband coming near the end of the month.  We’re obligated with “events” every weekend for the next little while.  And on top of it all, I just found out my Auntie has lung cancer.

I’m devastated.  I don’t know what to think.  I feel like I should be doing something, but I don’t know what.  This sad news has pretty much made me forget about whatever fertility mess I’m going through.  There are bigger, more important things to deal with sometimes.

I call my Auntie Janet and I let her talk, laugh or cry – whatever she needs to do.  But I don’t let my emotions out to her because this is not about me.  This is about her – which seems to be something a lot of my family members are forgetting.  For example – my other aunt – Carol – was the one calling around and telling people that my Auntie Janet had cancer.  I didn’t think that was right.  Aunt Carol then started crying on the phone to me, to my stepmother, to my Auntie Janet – basically anyone who would listen – that this was her fault (how the fuck…… I don’t even know).  She bawled and bawled and bawled.  Now, don’t get me wrong.  I cried when I found out too – TO CODY.  I get that people are emotional about this.  I get that my Aunt Carol and Auntie Janet are very close, so naturally, she’s going to be upset.  I don’t even mind that she is calling and talking to people about her emotions since her boyfriend is a sack of…. nevermind… but I think it’s selfish of her to call up Auntie Janet and cry a river of tears.  First of all – Auntie Janet needs people to be brave… especially when she might not feel so brave right now.  Second of all – How selfish can you be?  Why should she be needing to comfort you?

I’ve never had anyone in my family develop cancer.  I’ve also never had to deal with a death in my family.  I’m so terrified of this situation, it’s unreal.  My Auntie Janet and I have always been close.  I always tell her that she’s my favorite…and she is.  I’m scared for her, but I believe in her.  I know she is strong.  She is brave.  She is a fighter.  And if she needs a reminder, that’s what I’m here for.  

Since this is a blog about my fertility struggle, I will end off with that issue.  I’m waiting for my period and then I’ll be off to the fertility clinic on CD 3.  From there, we’ll be proceeding with an IUI.  However, if there is a moment when I need to be off and with my Auntie or my parents – I will abandon the medications, ultrasounds, and blood work in a heartbeat.