Silver Lining

Sorry, people.  I don’t like to post too much, but I forgot about my epiphany! 

 

Last night, when trying to gear myself up for the inevitable needle that was to be stuck into my upper ass cheek, I messaged my nurse friend, Christine.  I was scared about Cody giving me this shot since we hadn’t done it in a long time.  Besides – why have a nurse friend if they can’t give you tips on how best to stab yourself in the ass?  She gave me a few tips and even offered to give the shot to me, and we then went on to have a short little conversation, ending with plans to get together.

Christine and I haven’t talked much over the last few months.  In all honesty, I’ve avoided her like the plague.  She’s pregnant and really doesn’t like to talk about anything but herself.  Also, she’s well into her 8th month now, and I fear that if I see her, she’s for sure going to go into labor.  Cause that would be my luck.  Christine is also a constant measuring stick or reminder of what I had and lost, since our due dates were about a month apart.

Anyway, I’m laying in bed and I suddenly came to a weird little realization.  I am on the PIO shots for a reason I didn’t even know.  Yes, it’s to boost my progesterone levels.  But maybe I was supposed to be nervous and reach out to Christine for help.  Maybe I needed this to not only help my physical health, but my emotional as well.

I need to move on.  I can’t be mad at people because they’re pregnant.  I can be mad when they’re self-centered or inconsiderate (as she definitely has been) – but I need to learn to let things go.  Life keeps going, and I have to as well.

Amazed, once again.

 

beanie

 

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Talking to Myself

I was sitting there, analyzing my “symptoms”, and I thought:

“OMG, I HAVE TO TEST.  NOW!!”

 

Unfortunately, I was only 6 days past ovulation. 

 

My logical brain said:

“Beanie, get real.  It’s too early for symptoms.  Plus, your HcG shot is probably in your system.”

 

But I mean, if YOU were experiencing this, what would YOU think?

  • Super sore boobs (since 2 days past IUI)
  • Strangely strong sense of smell
  • Kinda tired
  • Nauseous/upset tummy
  • Cramping

 

Right… logical brain would tell you it’s more than likely the progesterone supplements.  Somehow, I actually listened to the logical brain.  …For 2 days.  Something told me to test today.  I READ THE INSTRUCTIONS, dipped the stick and waited.  I gave myself the necessary pep talk:

“B – don’t be upset if it’s negative.  It’s still way too early to be testing.  And B – don’t get too excited if it’s positive.  The HcG could still be present in your system, which would mean it could be a false positive.”

 

It was negative.

I’m telling you, I have NO self control!  If there is a pregnancy test in the house, I can guarantee you that I will pee on it.  Regardless of how early it is, how badly I have to go, or what time of day it is.  It’s borderline ridiculous, to be honest.

Yesterday, I counted myself out for this cycle.  Today, I’m feeling a little better, though.  My symptoms are pretty much gone (with the exception of the boobs being sore – but even that’s fading a bit), so it makes me a little paranoid.  However, there are still 7 days until I’m even supposed to be testing!  There is time, there is a decent chance, and God can do anything. 

 

Be well, my pretties 😉

 

beanie

Mother Effer!

Disclaimer:  I’m having a really bad day.  That means this is going to be a super whiny, bitchy post. 

You are warned.

 

It’s the busiest week of the month at work.  My co-worker is an idiot (at times) and makes the week that much harder on me. 

My toilet ended up clogged and I had to plunge it.  Not fun.

My kitten got something on his feet and now it’s on my bed.

I was eating a really-bad-for-you sausage and it burned my tongue.  Then squirted on my hand and burned it.

I have a whole bunch of (fake) pregnancy symptoms, but now they’re all fading.  Maybe I’ll list them later since I no longer feel like I can jinx this cycle.

My progesterone is low.  Supposed to be over 50, and I’m at 48.  To me, this means that I’ve ovulated, but the it might not be good enough to sustain pregnancy.  The nurse wanted me to increase the number of suppositories I am taking… I had to kindly remind her that I’m on the max dosage.  So what does that mean?  You got it – intramuscular injections of progesterone in oil (PIO) into my ass.

$#&*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I called my husband and he didn’t answer.  I proceeded to ring off his phone – to no avail – and finally left him a nasty message about how it’s convenient he is able to stop the work truck to get pictures of the original Batmobile, but he can’t find it possible to answer a call from me when I need him.  I still haven’t forgiven him.

I really had a lot of hope for this cycle.  It could turn around… I guess… but what are the odds?  I’m angry!  And yes, I am one of those people who gets hit with a little bad news and it really effects me.  I’m a doom-and-gloom kind of person, sadly.  But I am who I am.  On a logical level, I know the number is close and it’s not even really accurate as to what is in your system.  On an emotional level, the last time my progesterone was having this much of an issue, I was pregnant and ended up miscarrying.

God seemed to make me really peaceful during this whole cycle.  And then anxiety started to creep in, but it wasn’t too bad.  All of that changed today.  I really thought this was my cycle!  I know I’m supposed to have faith in God and His plan.  But when in the blue hell is He going to show some faith in me?  When is he going to see that enough is enough already.  It really is just enough.

I’ve been sitting here, alternating between typing, texting my BFF, and ugly crying.  I’m so worked up about this fucking shot and it’s literally hours away! 

It’s not technically over until next week.  But there’s a huge part of me that feels like it’s already done.  How do I change that feeling??

 

At least I have my kitten to snuggle.

snuggles

 

beanie

 

Chicken Butt

Guess what?  My left ovary DOES exist (insert a giant eye roll here).  Lena was back at the clinic today and I told her of the hiding-ovary-woes (after telling her I missed her!).  She did her thing and within a minute she had the left ovary smiling for the camera.  Oh, and there IS action on that side: 3 mature follicles.

Guess what else?  I will be releasing a MINIMUM of 5 or 6 eggs!  I reached my goal!

Guess what else-else?  My IUI’s will be tomorrow and Friday.  I’m so thankful for not having to go to the “back-up” clinic that gives me heart palpitations.

 

Sending out good vibes to all of you getting blood work, ultrasounds, having IUI’s, having transfers, entering or enduring the 2WW, and especially to those getting the results of their hard work.  Good luck and good thoughts to you all!

 

beanie

Conquered

August 18th, 2014:  Bumble’s due date

 

It was a hard day.  I should have birthed my little baby.  I should have held him, fed him, smelled him, and cuddled him. 

I’m not going to say I should have become a Mama yesterday.  I’m already Bumble’s Mama.  I just should have been singing him Happy Birthday.

Instead, my husband and I found an amazing way to honor our first baby who sadly never made it to the physical world.

Cody and I drove to Barrie, ON bright and early yesterday morning.  We visited the Martyr’s Shrine.  Upon arrival, we headed straight to the gift shop and bought a Saint Gerard pendant (Patron Saint of expectant mothers).  We had this, along with my cross, blessed.  The priest said an amazing blessing prayer for us, which nearly brought me to tears for the 5th time that day.  Next, we rounded the corner where there was a room of candles.  Together, we lit a candle in honor of Bumble and said another prayer.  Cue tears for the 6th time.  After, we were wandering around and looking at the Saint statues.  It really is such a beautiful place!  Unfortunately, it was quite crowded due to a pilgrimage.  Every one and their 15 kids were there and they decided that rather than sit in the picnic area, they would set up their camp chairs and blankets in front of the statues of the Saints.  This would be fine if they hadn’t done it in front of the memorial for unborn children. 

There was a group of people sitting in front of this secluded spot.  In fact, I imagine that’s why they were sitting there.  There were two benches, and they’d taken over both, even set up a blanket and pillow on one, even though no one was sitting there.  They also had a picnic and camp chairs set up there too.  Thinking they were normal people, Cody and I walked up to the monument and read the plaque/dedication.  The entire time we were standing there, I just kept thinking that they would come to their senses and ask us if they should move – or, you know, just move.  I mean really – a young couple, family-starting age, standing and trying to have a moment in front of this particular area.  Cody and I moved over a little and I glanced over to the people.  THEY WERE STARING AT ME.  I knew then that they realized they were being assholes, but they didn’t really want to do anything about it.  I threw a couple of “curt” comments towards them and walked away.

It wasn’t exactly how I pictured our time at the shrine would be.  I imagined this big, peaceful, quiet place… and it was not quite that due to the volume of visitors.  However, the visit was so much better in some ways.  Bumble’s candle, the blessing – these were unexpected and so meaningful.  Spending time driving on back roads, walking, holding hands, and just being with my husband were also so important to me yesterday.

When talking to Cody, he said something that made me realize just how much he loves me and why I love him so much in return.

“I don’t regret the last 9 months.  I wish things had been different with Bumble, but I don’t regret a single moment with you.”

 

We made it through fertility treatments together.  We made it through a miscarriage together.  We made it through the last 9 months together.  We made it through Bumble’s would-be birthday together.

And we will make it though the next 90+ years together. 

It should have been Bumble’s birthday yesterday.  I wish he was here, I wish I could snuggle him.  But I know he’s in good hands.

 

beanie

Bringing Booty Back

Fertility, or infertility, often makes me feel inadequate.  Being a bigger girl assists with my insecurity.  Getting a cold sore when I’m sick makes me even more self-conscious.  In groups, I never feel like I have something worthy to contribute.

I could go on, but let’s face it.  We all have our issues.  Most of us, anyway.

I have an amazing husband.  I don’t go a single day without being told how good I look, how happy I make him, or how funny he thinks I am.  This helps with feeling good enough, but not always.  I had boudoir pictures taken a few months ago, which also helped me to look at my body in a different way.  In general, I’ve come to be more accepting of ME in the last few months.  It. Feels. Amazing.  However, there are still good days and bad. 

Randomly, I heard this song on the radio.  And I now how a theme song for my ugly days.

Meghan Trainor – All About That Bass

Enjoy!  It’s surprisingly catchy….

beanie

In Wait

Dearest Lena,

Let me first start by telling you that I think you’re the best sonographer in all of Toronto.  Let’s make that all of Canada!  Even the world…?

Since you’ve been gone, life at the clinic just has not been the same for me.  First, Dr. R tried to find good ‘ole lefty and she went into hiding.  We went ahead with starting the Bravelle and a plan to come back on Thursday.  Once again, Dr. R tried to find lefty.  No luck.  Apparently, “if there was anything worth seeing, we’d see it”.  I was told one more day of Bravelle and to come back Friday (today) and we’d let the temp sonographer give it a go.

I woke up with a heavy heart, Lena.  I really wanted to have you tell me that lefty didn’t just disappear.  I wanted to hear how many beautiful follicles are growing on that side.  Once again, I was disappointed.  Your replacement eventually found my left ovary, but the placement of lefty was too high to get a clear picture of.  I still have no idea what type of progression is happening over there.

I do have good news, though.  My right ovary is a champ!  It’s been mentioned that there are a minimum of TEN follicles on the right side.  TEN!!!!!

This is the month, Lena.  I just know it. 

I am going back to the clinic on Monday – but you won’t be returning until Tuesday.  History likes to repeat itself, though, and I’m sure that on Monday neither Dr. R nor the temp will be able to reach lefty.  I’ll likely have to come back on Tuesday – where you’ll be able to find that little trickster.  Hopefully I’ll be triggered with my IUI landing on my days off (Wednesday and Thursday).

You’re the only one for me.

 

xo

beanie

 

This is a joke (and a little creepy).  I’m not really in love with my clinic’s sonographer.  I won’t actually be sending her this letter. If I did, you never know – it could backfire and I’ll never know what my left ovary looks like again.

What about that number though??  10 on the right??  I can only hope lefty is doing as well and I’ll be on track for my goal of releasing 5 or 6 good eggs!

Acca-Awkard

Please, please, PLEASE tell me you’ve seen the movie Pitch Perfect?!

 

There are a few nominees for the spot of “Most Awkward Moment in August 2014”.

1.  Monday’s Ultrasound

The sonographer at my clinic decided to up and leave us all so that she could go on vacation.  How dare she?!  Doesn’t she know I NEED her?  Anyway, they had a replacement come in, but she was late and the waiting room was backed up by the time she got there.  Eventually, I’m ushered to the back and told to pop into one of the rooms.  Next thing you know, Dr. R comes in and tells me that HE’S doing the ultrasound.

Why, God?  Why today?  I’m still on my period at this point, I did NO landscaping, and the lights are left on.  Again – WHY???

My fav nurse, Ella, is in the room too.  Awesome…. “the more the merrier”, I believe the saying is.  She reminds Dr. R that my left ovary is a bit tricky to find.  He replies with “I’ve never had a problem finding an ovary.”  Well, 10 minutes later, a lot of jabbing, and some really interesting commentary, and my left ovary is no where to be found.  Looks like I win again, fertility clinic.

What’s so awkward?  (As if all of the above aren’t enough?)  Well, when explaining that my left ovary “hides”, the good doctor heard “high” and proceeded to push on my belly to bring her down.  …He should have gone to the right and she probably could have been seen.  I could not bring myself to correct where he was going wrong.  I could not direct this man where to position the wand in my vagina. 

Lord, help me.

So as it stands, I do not have a left ovary this cycle*.

2.  B-Complex Vitamin Problems

Bravelle made me INSANE.  I say “made”, when I should be saying “makes”.  Anyway, it was mentioned to me that I should take a B-Complex vitamin and it could help with the moods.  I partially call bull shit on this, but what’s it going to hurt.  So, after confirming that I won’t overdose on Vitamin B6 (BE CAREFUL, LADIES!), I started a B-Complex 50.  Within a couple of hours, I headed off to have a pee, and no joke – it was florescent yellow. 

neon-yellow

After a couple of times of seeing this, I’d thoroughly freaked myself out.  Afterall, I am sick and on crazy pills – why wouldn’t I assume I’m going to die based on the color of my urine?

I did some googling and confirmed that it was likely excess of the B vitamins coming out.  Sure enough, I probably have the infamous “expensive urine”.  Beautiful.

What’s so awkward?  Confirming I’m not going to die with my pharmacist… who’s also my boss.

 

I hope tomorrow’s ultrasound and work shift are slightly less embarrassing.  I’ll update with a follicle count sometime tomorrow!

 

beanie

* I assume they will be able to find my left ovary tomorrow.  At some point.  Hopefully in under 10 minutes.

Ugh. That’s All I Got.

My period AND a cold?!  That’s fun.  Guess what it does to you?  Attacks your lowered immune system like a mother f-er, leaving you vulnerable.  What happens to me when my immune system is that low?  Oh, no big deal…. just a nasty, painful, ugly cold sore.

How many pity parties am I allowed to throw myself in one month?

Good news – the meds aren’t making me crazy yet.  Then again, it’s been only 1 day of Bravelle.  We all know how well I do with Bravelle.  However, I’m still feeling very optimistic and hopeful for the cycle.  I have a follow up appointment on Thursday to see how many follicles I have.  I’m hoping for 14, with a release of 7.  You probably think I’m nuts, but that’s the hope for this cycle. 

One last, random thing.  Has anyone noticed how weirdly people tag their posts?  I don’t understand why I can look for posts tagged “BFN” and there’s a positive pregnancy test picture/post.  I don’t understand why I can search for posts related to “miscarriage” and there’s someone announcing the birth of their new baby.  Do bloggers not realize these could be triggers to the people looking to read and/or get support from someone writing about an actual BFN or miscarriage? 

Hmm… since this post is about being sick, whiny, and on fertility medications, I think I’m going to tag “cat lady”, “gardening”, and “chocolate”.  Makes sense, right?

I’m not always a bitch, but when I am – it’s cause I’m sick and on a fertility roller coaster.

beanie