Help Me. Please.

My anniversary is in T – 3 days.  I don’t have a gift for Cody… I don’t even have an idea.  I was going to buy him an apple tree, but unfortunately our shitty home builder STILL hasn’t finished grading or sodding our back yards.  I, therefore, do not have a fenced in yard or anywhere to plant said apple tree.  Square One – nice to see you again.

I’m begging for your help!  And since you’re all amazing, wonderful, fantastic people, I know you’ll be willing to assist one of your IF Sisters.  …right?

Here’s what you need to know:

  • It’s our 4th wedding anniversary.
  • Traditional Gifts:  Fruit, flowers, linen
  • Modern Gifts:  Appliances
  • Cody does not like fruit.  I would make him an apple pie (his favorite), but we’re on a diet
  • Cody does not like chocolate covered fruit either
  • Cody will not fully appreciate a bouquet of flowers
  • I would build Cody a bouquet of some of his favorite candy, but again, we’re on a diet
  • Cody does not wear PJ’s – “linen” as in “clothes” won’t really work
  • Cody will not fully appreciate new sheets
  • We do not need any more appliances

Just go ahead an tell me… I’m screwed.  We like to stick to the traditional gifts, but there’s just really nothing I can think of… except writing him an IOU for that dang tree.

Please help me.  I’ll even give you the credit when I give Cody whatever gift we can come up with!

beanie

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mug exchange.

I’m sending my info in as soon as this is reposted…… Hope you all will too!

Trials Bring Joy

mug exchange

Since April 2013 I have been coordinating different quarterlyish package exchanges for the TTC (trying to conceive) Instagram community. We typically have a theme – lucky socks, stationary, ornaments, local love, nail polish, scarves, favorite things – and it’s SUCH a fun time to put together package for someone who knows about the season you are in. We don’t just cut if off to the people who are struggling to conceive, we welcome women for all phases of infertility (pregnant, adopting, new mom, etc… more details on this below!) I absolutely LOVE how all of these women come together to support one another and spread positive energy and love.

And guess what – it’s time for the next one! Typically I don’t use my blog to spread the word about this, but this time I want to invite bloggers, instagrammers and all of social media to participate (plus have a…

View original post 1,853 more words

Instagram… Huh?

This is the first time I’m posting from my phone, so please excuse the lack of formatting and the inevitable spelling and grammar mistakes.

This is just a little quick note. I just joined Instagram. Can you please comment if you also use this app? Feel free to leave your username as well! Mine is futuremamabeanie…. I think…

Hope I can figure it all out!

beanie

“Normal”. Suuuuure…

When I had all of my initial blood work completed, everything came back normal.  I was told it was rare to see patients so healthy.  Pregnancy would be easy to achieve.

When I wasn’t getting pregnant on just Femara tablets and timed intercourse, they told me it was normal.  Only 15% of their patients would get pregnant with this protocol.

When I miscarried my Bumble, I was told this was normal. 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage.  An exorbitantly high number of women lose their first pregnancy.

When I had my first chemical pregnancy, I was told this was normal.   Apparently it is so common and most women experience them and don’t even know it’s happened.

When I had my second chemical pregnancy, I was told this was normal.  Again, this is very common in women trying to conceive.  Still nothing to worry about.

When I had three people try and find my left ovary with no success, I was told this is normal.  Most women have one ovary that is harder to find.

And when I went to the doctor today and my one lonely follicle had only grown from 1.1 to 1.2 in four days, I was told this is fucking normal.

How can everything be “normal” and still not working right?

I know, I know.  Another post where I’m happy and optimistic.  Seriously though – I’m miserable today.

I kicked my own ass for over a week now.  I’ve lost 6 pounds, worked out, got the right number of steps, drank enough water, took my supplements.  And still – this reproductive system of mine is shit.  “NORMAL”, but shit all the same.

I was cooking my stupid low calorie, low carb lunch in the microwave and it wasn’t working.  I tried again and again and the stupid thing just wouldn’t heat my food.  It made me mad – I punched it, actually – and I didn’t know how I was going to proceed with life.  Honestly, the microwave made me question the meaning of life.  It was an instant later and I realized I should unplug the stupid thing.  And when I did, it was then I found the Pringles that were hidden.  I ate 6 of them, and I am mad at myself now.  For the fourth time in this paragraph alone – STUPID.

And for my pregnant sisters… I am happy for you.  I really hope everything goes right and all that jazz.  But I’m so friggen jealous.  I am!  I’m going to admit it.  I have a hard time reading your updates, your announcements.  I am jealous to the bone, and it’s pathetic.  I hate saying this “out loud”, but I’m not going to pretend on this blog.  I mean, the second I read an announcement all I can think is “Why not me?”  That pretty much confirms that I’m a huge asshole.  It gets so bad that it makes it hard to even come on WordPress because I want you all to be successful, but I guess I want to be blissfully unaware.

Am I terrible, or is this fucking normal too?

beanie

One Lovely Blog Award

onelovelyblogawardx4

I’ve been nominated for the One Lovely Blog Award by Planting Beans, Electric Mystery, and The Almost Mom (I have all of your real names, but wasn’t sure if you’d want me to post them).

All of these ladies inspire me in one way or another.  All three of them are determined and strong, which is something I strive to be as well.  Each are in a different part of their journey, their situations are different, however they still have so much in common, which is the only beneficial thing infertility has done to me – helped me to connect with women around the world all going through their own fertility journeys.  We’re sisters!

Thank you so much for the noms, ladies!  It means a lot 🙂

PLANTING BEANS:  A fellow Canadian!  Awesome selfies, awesome looking cakes.

ELECTRIC MYSTERY:  A fellow cat-lady!  Awesome pins on Pinterest, awesome email buddy.

THE ALMOST MOM:  A fellow self-proclaimed DIVA!  Awesome attitude about TTC, awesome at home renos!

 

The criteria for accepting a One Lovely Blog Award are:

  1. List the rules. (Or guidelines. However you want to read them is fine by me.)
  2. Thank your nominator.
  3. List seven (7) facts about yourself.
  4. Nominate 15 other bloggers and let them know you did.
  5. Display the award logo and follow your nominator.

 

SO my 7 facts…..

a)  I hate Halloween.  Well, I guess that’s not entirely true.  I like decorating my house (now that I’m no longer living in a condo, I can actually do that!), I like seeing the kids so excited and cute in their costumes, I like carving pumpkins.  I don’t like dressing up.  When I was a kid, I stopped trick-or-treating when I was about 8 or 9.  Every year though, I will come up with awesome costume ideas and plans for a Halloween party… they never happen 😉  This year – if I were to dress up – I’d be Nancy Sinatra.

b)  Speaking of Nancy Sinatra, I just adore music from the 50s, 60s, and 70s.  I have a lot of current music on my iPod, but I definitely gravitate towards the older music.  I shocked Cody when I started singing along to Chantilly Lace by Big Bopper.  That being said, I’m not a fan of Elvis, and I didn’t ever really like The Beatles, though I love when people do covers of their songs.

c) I’m a cat-lady who’s been limited in the number of cats I can own.  I only have two, but I could happily live with 5.  Cody likes the cats well enough, but he’s inherited the cleaning duties of the cats, so refuses to agree to more feline friends.

d)  My birthday is in February… and I LOVE IT! I love celebrating my birthday, even though I live in Canada and it’s bitterly cold in February.  My favorite thing to celebrate is Christmas and then closely followed by birthdays.

e)  I cannot stand summer weather.  I hate the humidity, the heat, the sweating.  It’s gross.  I love the activities that come with summer, but the weather… ugh.

f)  I find IUI less stressful than timed intercourse.  There… I said it.  Don’t get me wrong, the act of timed intercourse is more pleasant and generally less awkward.  And IUI comes with a lot of baggage like ultrasounds, injections, and stirrups.  However, timing sex is so stressful to me!  Knowing when and where I need to be for an IUI is so much easier.

g)  I’m a Toronto Rock Lacrosse season ticket holder.  I’m loud, competitive, and completely happy at games.  I’m a huge fan and even had some boudoir pictures taken in my husband’s Toronto Rock jersey 😉

 

And now for the blogs I’d like to nominate:

Love, Peace, and Infertility

Waiting for Baby Bird

Infertility, Why Me?

Eventual Momma

Bruised Banana

Ramblings of a Barren Heart

What To Try When You’re Trying

PCOS Will Not Stop Me

Unicorns and Baby Dust

It Is Well With My Soul

Girl2Mum

My New Normal

Lady Love and Baby Dust

Solving the Four Years of Infertility Mystery

Life, Love, and My Version of Motherhood

 

I tried not to duplicate my “nominations”.  Oh, and please don’t feel obligated to re-post!  I mean, I love reading the “facts” everyone is posting, but I get that some people don’t really like the chain-letter-blog-post thing.  It is a lot of work, what with the links and all.

 

Thank you again, ladies.  You’re awesome-opossums.

possum-babies

 

beanie

Whether You Like It or Not

 

Dear Beanie, whether you like it or not, you will continue to experience the Metformin Woes.  YOU decided to stop the meds in anger, therefore you will suffer the consequences.  Rest assured it should only last a couple of days.

Silly Beanie – whether you like it or not, you are experiencing acne and will continue to do so.  Yes, the Bioderma is a little expensive.  However, Spectro Gel is NOT an adequate replacement.  Take care of your skin, girlie.  And remember – pregnancy will likely make it worse.

Beanie, whether you like it or not, you will be hungry during this diet.  You won’t starve.  And remember – supper was amazing last night! (Recipe and picture below).

Oh Beanie, whether you like it or not, you have to walk 5000 steps a day.  It will get worse, though, as 5000 will turn to 10 000.  You can do it.

B, this one is hard.  Whether you like it or not, you have fertile friends.  These friends will give bad advice, be inconsiderate, and will continuously be oblivious to your situation.  They are not bad people.  They will go on to have children, who you will meet.  Meeting new baby Alvin will be scary… but remember how much you love fresh babies.  You will survive, it will make your determination to fight this fight stronger than ever.

Beanie, whether you like it or not, you are fertility challenged.  There might be a blessing in disguise, or it might be bad luck.  Either way, you’re strong and stubborn, determined and committed.  Starting a new cycle sucks, miscarriage sucks, spending so much money on a chance sucks.  That baby you will birth will be a cute, adorable, mini-version of Cody and will be worth all of the tears and more.

Beanie and Cody, whether you like it or not, the pet fish will stink.  The cats already do!  Welcome to pet-parenthood.  You baby might smell worse.  Note:  this is also not new information.

 

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Friends, I started my diet/exercise program yesterday!  My trainers kicked my ass.  My muscles are sore, I’m looking forward to my snack, and I’m peeing a lot because of my increased water.  I sound like I’m complaining – but I’m not.  I’m actually really happy to be doing this!

Last night, when I read that my meal plan (which I got to pick!) included only 2/3 cup of WHOLE WHEAT pasta, I wanted to cry.  Turns out it was a perfectly fine portion and I’m just a glutton.  Here’s how the pasta turned out:

food

Cody made me put a pen beside the bowl in case (and I quote) “They think we have comically large bowls.”

It really was an amazing sauce!  Here’s the recipe.  If you want, I guess you could sub out the shrimp for chicken or something.  I will leave it the exact same next time!!

Pasta w/ Shrimp & Creamy Tomato Sauce

Total Time 30 minutes; Calories per serving 414 (probably a little less since I didn’t make the green beans that went with this)

Ingredients (this is for ONE person.  Double ingredients if you want to make for more than one person.  I tripled them so Cody ate two portions instead of one bitty portion)

  • 1 ozSpaghetti, whole wheat, dry
  • 6 ozShrimp, raw
  • 1 ozTomato sauce, canned, meatless, no salt added
  • 3 1/2 ozGreen beans, raw
  • 1/2 ozMushrooms
  • 1/4 med (2-1/2 inch)Onions, raw
  • 1 ozCheese, ricotta, part skim
  • 1/2 tsp(s)Olive Oil
  • 1/2 TbspPesto Sauce

INSTRUCTIONS

Bring a large pot of water to a boil. Add pasta and cook for 8 to 10 minutes or until al dente. Drain pasta. 2. Warm olive oil in a nonstick skillet over medium heat . Add shrimp and cook, turning once. Add tomato sauce, ricotta cheese, and pesto. 3. In a separate pan, sauté mushrooms and onions and add to mixture. 4. Place a steamer insert in a saucepan and fill with water to just below the bottom of the steamer. Cover and bring water to a boil. Place green beans in steamer insert and cover. Steam for about 5 minutes or until tender. 5. Serve mixture over spaghetti with green beans on the side.

Tip: 1 oz  Spaghetti dry = 1/3 cup dry & 2/3 cup cooked; 1 oz Ricotta = 2 tbsp; 3 1/2 oz Green Beans = 1 cup; 1/2 oz Mushrooms = 1/4 cup; 1 oz Tomato Sauce = 1/8  cup.

 

Enjoy!

beanie

 

This One Takes The Cake

I received unsolicited advice today.  We all receive unwelcome comments and suggestions regularly, so this is not anything new.  However, the advice I was given today is something I’ve never heard of before.

I was talking to the owner of the gym I just joined, and told her of my fertility woes*.  She then told me that her niece was fertility-challenged as well, but eventually went on to have a beautiful baby girl.  Cool.  What’s not “cool” is the method this trainer told me I should research.

Apparently, the niece was miscarrying within 12 weeks of conception.  In order to preserve the pregnancy, apparently her doctors decided that they needed to sew her cervix shut.  Once they did this, she went on to have a healthy pregnancy.

TRAINER:  Seriously!  You should ask your OB GYN about it

ME (trying not to cringe.  Or barf):  Oh.  Um, well I think my doctors are happy with my current treatment plan.  That’s interesting though!

 

…….. something tells me that’s not the correct information….

UPDATE:  Holy shit.  I just researched this and it’s real.  Well, kind of real.  The cervix is not actually sewn shut.  And, it’s done in the second trimester, usually.  But still.  It’s an actual thing.  What…I don’t even know what to say… this is … I have no words.  Want more info?  Click here.

Seriously.  I need to start a new blog about the shit people say to me.

 

beanie

 

*I told the trainer about my fertility issues because if when I get pregnant, I’m not going to work out like crazy.  Also, should I go through another miscarriage, I would need a little time off.

Just Your Generic Update

1.  Lena is quitting.  Call me old fashioned, but I actually really appreciated that I had a mostly non-awkward relationship with the woman who had to probe my vag multiple times a month.  When Lena told me that this was her last week, I almost cried.  I literally exclaimed “NO!  No one else can find my left ovary!  Why, Lena!?”  It was quite the reaction from someone naked from the waist down, on her CD3, and about to receive the blessing of a transvaginal ultrasound.

Lena did give me some tips for the next lucky bastard to try and find good ole lefty.  I really hoped she would be the first one to see my baby!  I know where to find her, though – unfortunately I vowed to never step foot in that clinic again.

2.  Dr. R is on vacation (AGAIN.)  In his place is Dr. C, my original RE.  I told her about the chemical pregnancy and she appeared genuinely sad for us.  She re-explained to me that PCOS puts me at a much higher risk for miscarriage.  However, when I effectively demanded further testing for any immunological/auto immune disorders, she quickly agreed.  I was told that the A.N.A. test would not be covered, but it would be $35.  Dr. C advised against having a genetic test done, which we were fine with.  Apparently it’s really unlikely that this is the reason for miscarriage.  Also, it’s expensive and takes 6 months for results.  And I’d have to go to Sick Kids.  I really never want to go to Sick Kids.

3.  I researched the hell out of these tests and what the outcomes could be.  I was so freaked out that I considered not even having the testing done.  However, this morning I woke up and decided that I need to do all I can for my future babies, so off to the blood-work lab I went.  Unfortunately, 3 of the tests are not covered, so it was going to be $140.  I walked out.  Why even have OHIP?

4.  I JOINED A GYM.  God in Heaven, Mother Mary, please help me.

5.  My infertility sisters are awesome.  I received a beautiful, inspiring, hopeful message from my gorgeous buddy, Elisha.  Perfect.Timing.  If you’d like to reap the benefits of a pen pal, please add your name to this blog:  Calling All Pen Pals.  Speaking of, Mrs. D, I had your email wrong!  I’ve forwarded you the chain of emails that have been sent to me.  I hope you got them!

I’m sorry, people.  I tried to put together a nice blog, all flow-y and funny.  Couldn’t do it.  I wanted to reply to comments, but haven’t gotten there yet.  I also tried to reply to a lot of the emails that were sent in out this week, but haven’t been able to.  I’ve been feeling like crap emotionally.  I’m having a hard time figuring out how I’m supposed to feel with this current chemical pregnancy and my situation in general.  Turns out you can’t always just pretend everything is perfect and have it turn out that way.  I haven’t figured out how to “Fake It Till {I} Make It”.

Surviving,

beanie