So, I’ve never been an overly social person. I like to stay at home, hanging out with my husband and babies. I like day trips, and adventures, but enjoy being at home more.
I don’t like entertaining guests for very long. A night, maybe two, and then I’m ready to have my home back.
I always think I like to throw parties for my core group of friends, but without doubt, I always end up getting anxious and nervous. I don’t relax, and I’m always trying to impress, even the people I’ve known 100 years. My house has to be immaculate, I need to have way too much food, and there ALWAYS has to be something on the table that I made from scratch. You could see why I haven’t thrown a party in my home since the girls were born!
Lately I’ve been feeling like I need to start taking time for me. I need to get out, see faces of people other than my family. My husband and daughters still have my favorite faces, though. I had to convince myself that going out was GOOD for me and I was not neglecting my duties as their mama. Cause that’s the weird thing…. In my head, it’s felt like it I am not doing something for my girls, or my husband, or my house, then I was being selfish.
Anyway, I’m a member of a local group for parents with twins, triplets, or more. They were having a ladies night get-together, and I tentativley RSVP’d that I would go. Next thing I know, it’s last night and I’m trying to convince myself not to go. Or to go, I don’t know. My husband thought I should go, our friend Grace said i should go, my bestie, encouraged me as well.
Holy mother of God, it was stressful. I honestly felt like in was going on a blind date! I met my husband online, and I think I was less nervous going to meet him for the first time.
I spent an hour getting ready… I wanted to look nice, but not like I was trying too hard. I wanted to look like it put time in, but not flaunt the fact that my husband is awesome and watched the girls and did dinner all by himself. It was friggen hot out, but I’d didn’t want to go sleeveless cause my arms are fat. I did t think I would be able to contribute to any conversation cause I’m a stay-at-home mom who doesn’t leave the house. I also was nervous because I hate eating in front of people I don’t know.
As you may be able to tell, I have awful self esteem and confidence.
At one point, I just say down and gave myself a pep talk:
“Beanie, just do it. Just go. What is the worst that can happen? You have an easy out if you need it. Wear the tank top – it’s hot. Be proud of your body. You carry 50 pounds of baby all day with those arms. Wear makeup if you want to. You enjoy putting on makup and doing your hair. You’re not flaunting anything, you’re doing something you like, for yourself. Eat. We all eat. And you’re not giving yourself enough credit, or them. You can talk to them and they will like you. If they don’t, you never even have to see them again. BUT JUST TRY. Cause your girls benefit from seeing YOU like YOU.”
I went. It was awkward at first, but that eased up. The group of 7, was big enough that I could sit quietly, but small enough that I felt like I could speak and contribute. We talked about our kids, we ate, and I went home.
And in the first moments, even once I came home, I said I might never go again. But I changed my tune on that plan as well. I will go again, i will try to make it to more get-togethers. I like me, and others do too. I have to stop selling myself short.
Cause I’m pretty awesome.