Reflection

I love being pregnant. 

Of course, i have my days when I feel like crap and just want my body back, but in general, I really just love this feeling. 

Apple and Banana don’t have a lot of room anymore, which means their kicks, punches, and rolls are VERY strong. I actually thought Banana Bear was trying to leave my body through my rib cage the other day!  It can be annoying, especially when trying to sleep, but I am going to miss this. 

There are a couple of reasons why I want to keep being pregnant for another 2 months (when in reality, I will be pregnant for a maximum of 4 more weeks!).  

1) I am probably never going to be pregnant again. I will likely never feel another baby (or babies) kicking me from inside. I will never get to collect ultrasound photos again, I will never be able to lie there singing to my babies and having them roll around in response. I won’t get to puke my brains out in the toilet, so happy to know it’s cause the babies are growing. I won’t get to watch my belly get bigger each month as my girlies get chubbier. This might be my only shot, and it’s almost finished. 

2) I have to share. Right now, my girlies are MINE. Yes, Cody is their daddy, and he’s felt them kicking and rolling. But he doesn’t feel them from inside, like I do. He doesn’t experience this the way I get to, and I have to admit – I am happy about that!  It’s a unique experience for me and the babies, as opposed to anyone else in my life and these babies. However, when they are born, I have to willingly, almost happily, share them with the world. I have to let people hold them, feed them, help teach them. And I just don’t want to. 

3) I have to assume responsibility.  Right now, my body is doing most of the work. Yes, I choose what to eat, and take vitamins. But the rest is pretty much involuntary. I sing to the babies, I sleep, and rub my belly and talk to them. But I don’t actually have much of a role right now. When they are born, I have to be a mom, for real. I have to keep them alive and thriving, I have to love them unconditionally, I have to be their advocate and protector. It’s pretty scary. 

I am happy that I am goin to have real live babies soon, don’t get me wrong.  But I am going to miss this feeling A LOT. I wish there was a way to guarantee that I’ll always remember every detail of this pregnancy, but there isn’t. I know the best is yet to come… But this experience hasn’t been something I ever want to forget. Not a single moment. 

Through the puking, the crying, the early scares, the hard kicks, the pelvic pain, the emotions, the growing, the new wardrobe, the headaches, and the sleepless nights – it’s still all passed too fast. 

If I could suggest ANYTHING, it would be to enjoy each and every moment of your journey, regardless of what that journey is. Before you know it, everything changes.  We can all reflect on what we’ve been through, but you might never get to experience the same journey again.  So, enjoy these moments – good or not so good – while they last. 
beanie

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Taking Notes

On Monday, Cody and I attended a class called “Twins and More Baby Care” all the way in the city. About 3 minutes into the class, I noticed my fingers were swelling. A minute after that, I noticed I was probably the only one who wasn’t 110 pounds before getting pregnant…

Anyway, the class was very informative. Before the class, I can honestly say that I didn’t think about what life is like for the babies now. So when the instructor said that delivering in the operating room is a little more traumatic for the babies, I had to reflect on that for a minute. They go from a dark, soothing, warm environment where they only know their Mama, Daddy, and twin to this loud, super bright, bustling place. Sounds a little scary to me! After realizing this, the suggestion to “dim the lights” made 100 times more sense to me.

There were a lot of good tips. Learning that the first two weeks will be hell was fun. Being taught that babies actually don’t “deep sleep” much after two weeks was an eye opener. Learning that you shouldn’t swaddle the baby to put them to sleep was completely new to me.

I DID know some things though. I know how to swaddle a baby. I had the idea to paint Apple and Banana’s toenails (so we could tell them apart) long before this class. I can change a diaper like a champ.

Cody was the one who pushed for us to take the class. He’s never taken care of a baby on his own and I am fairly certain that he is more than a little nervous to go from no babies to two babies in a matter of hours. When we were driving to the class, Cody mentioned that he made sure to bring a note book and pen. We sat together near the front of the class (we’d arrived a little late), and he started taking notes right away. I looked them over the next day, and two thoughts came to my mind.
A) Cody is going to be an amazing father.
B) This is going to be awesome material for a blog post.

Here are some of the notes my lovey took….

1. Keep little hat to confuse the babies.
Translation: You should keep the hat that is put on them right after they’re born. Apparently it will smell like amniotic fluid, which they will recognize. This will help soothe them if they’re freaking out. Store this in an airtight bag!

2. Deep sleep = like Toby.

3. Intense baby stares mean playtime.

4. Beanie is always right for 6 weeks.
Translation: The instructor told us that hormones will be VERY high in the first 6 weeks, so it’s best not to argue with Mama.

5. Freak outs are OK. Parasitic thoughts are normal.
Translation: We were informed that it is completely normal to feel like your kid is attached to you like a parasite. Not to worry, the feeling will pass.

6. NEH = Hungry OWL = Tired. Science proves it.
Translation: There are a difference in the types of cry a baby will belt out. Apparently they mean something (and I’m sure Cody is hoping that this will help him out).

7. “Cry it out method” – self soothing is better. Do not create fainting goats.
Translation: Don’t let the baby just lay there and scream their faces off. It causes them to go into survival mode and they shut down. …Like a fainting goat?

8. No sodium lauryl sulfate – it melts eyes. If it says “no more tears”, throw it out. Aveeno is good, and other hippie shit.

9. Breast milk cures pink eye! And snotty noses! WTF – not a cold, just the snuffles.

And my favorite…

10. NO VISITORS FOR 2 HOURS

There were more… of course there were more. But hey – if this is how Cody remembers certain things, what can I say? I know he is going to be amazing with these little ladies.

Oh, and watching him swaddle his “creepy” baby doll was so friggen cute.

beanie

PS- the only thing I wished we would have focused on more would be HOW to get the babies on a good schedule. It was confirmed that twins DO need a schedule, but the instructor didn’t really give any tips…

Preparation H

Nope! Not a TMI post, which I know you were all hoping for. In this case, the “H” is for HOSPITAL!

I’m an over-packer. There. I admitted it!

When I went on my amazing trip to Iceland, I was actually able to reel it in and not bring too much.  Mostly, I was sure that we wouldn’t need a lot of “nice” clothes because we’d be too cold and everything would be covered with my coat and snow pants. That, and I forgot half of my pants because I was rushing and nervous for my first ever trip out of North America! We used one suitcase for coats and boots, the other had our clothes and my hair/makeup/toiletries. We left some space for souvenirs as well.

When I go to visit my BFF in Ottawa (I live near Toronto, which is only about 4 hours away), I bring the same size suitcase as I used for Iceland. If we go for 3 days, I bring 5 outfits, 2 pyjama options, and extra sweaters, underwear, and socks. I have to bring my straightener, even though I usually don’t end up using it. I bring a ton of makeup and nail polish as well. My BFF and I are very girly, so these are essential for any trip to see her. Additionally, my pillow usually gets packed as well, and I have at least two pairs of different shoes in the truck of the car.

It’s sick.

Here’s my dilemma. I have NO CLUE what to pack in my hospital bag(s). My husband is insisting that we need at least two go-bags, but this puts me in a tough spot. It means I’ll need to double up on everything. We’ve decided that we need two bags: a small one for paper work, medical info, medications, essentials, and then the second larger bag with clothes, diapers, and whatnot. My problem is that I don’t know how to plan how much to bring…. I mean, I could be there for a couple of days or a couple of weeks. There’s just no way to know! And yes, I could go home and get things as needed (or send Cody), but we live an hour away, so leaving won’t be our first choice.

So how does an obsessive, over-packing control freak plan this out?

We are going to use these lists:

(I skimmed these lists very quickly, and I feel like they’re missing things. Good thing I also have 500 pregnancy books to look in as well!)

We are going to cross reference them and pull out the things we don’t think are necessary (A water mister? Really? That will just piss me off, I can guarantee it). We will then think about the things I need on a daily basis for my own comfort (FANS. I need moving air and if it’s hot in the room, I’ll lose it!).  Finally, we’ll consider the essentials for both babies, mama, and Dad (the first list doesn’t say anything about bringing your breast pump!).

And then we’ll ask the doctor. Or whoever gives us our hospital tour.

Is there anything you think is absolutely necessary? Was there something you brought that you didn’t need?

beanie

PS – I will try to remember to post what we pack, if anyone is interested

Meow Meow

My cats are jerks. Only I’m allowed to say that, though.

Lately, my step-mother has been making reference to the little cat, Toby, and that she doesn’t think I should trust him around the babies. She’s told me that I’ll have to get rid of him; she has told me that he will try to scratch the babies; she’s even said that when she comes to visit, the cat will be leaving with her, but she’s won’t be taking him home. She has no problem with the big cat, even though he is much more likely to “harass” the babies than Toby.

Toby is a kitten. Well, not technically, but he is only a year and a half old. He loves to play, he loves fetch, he is a snuggle beast at 3AM. He must always be in the same room as me. He’s also skittish. He’s been around babies and he is terrified. Toby won’t get too close to a baby and when the baby makes noise, he runs for the hills. But he can be a jerk. Toby likes to rough house with Asi-Cat, sometimes a little too much. He howls at Cody for food the minute his alarm clock goes off, if not before. When he gets mad enough, he will bite my arm – but it has ALWAYS been provoked.

Look at that face!
Look at that face!
He can be patient when waiting for food, too.
He can be patient when waiting for food, too.

Asi is much more relaxed. He is going on 15 years old, but let me tell you – he hasn’t slowed down much. He loves Toby and he will wrestle happily most of the time. Asi always wants to be pet and is very particular about where and how long (usually his ear and for a half hour, if you’d do it). You’d swear this cat was deprived of love. He has a deep love for milk and his kibble and is the most annoying cat when it’s “fooding time” around here. When you try to annoy this one, he usually runs away while glaring at you. I can honestly count on one hand the number of times he’s resorted to swatting me. Asi loves people and pleads to be loved on anytime someone will give him the time of day. Babies included. He’s gotten his ears pulled a couple of times by babies and he will just move his head until he breaks free or will meow to have someone notice the grip and release him. He will not smack a kid! As soon as he is released, you’d think he would run away from the baby, but no.. a baby has hands and hands are made for petting Asi. Like any cat, or pet, or person, he can also be a jerk. He likes to pee on the mat outside of the litter box, he howls when he’s bored (super LOUD), and he cleans himself so often and vigorously that he’s had to have a surgery because of a massive hairball he created for himself and couldn’t pass.

When he's not eating or asking for pets, this is what he's up to...
When he’s not eating or asking for pets, this is what he’s up to…
"Pet me here, Mama"
“Pet me here, Mama”

Since getting pregnant and collecting baby essentials, we’ve been trying to get the cats familiar with everything. Asi has decided that he loves the swings, even when they’re turned on – so I’ve put pillows in the swings to deter him from jumping in them. Toby likes to pluck on the playpen – so I’ve applied Soft Paws to his nails, so at least he doesn’t damage the mesh. They both jump into the cribs and the playpen, because clearly the couch is not nearly comfy enough.

In his defense, they do look pretty comfortable...
In his defense, they do look pretty comfortable…

Here’s the thing though – I don’t think it’s going to be a problem at all. Neither of them will jump into one of these things if there are babies in them. Not to mention, my babies wont be sleeping with their door open for a long time and they’d never be in the playpen unless I’m there watching. If a cat should jump in, I will be there to stop them and take them out. I also don’t believe either of my cats will be set out to sleep on one of the babies’ faces. Also, how is a baby going to provoke my kitten when he won’t even hang around long enough to hear the baby cry? And even if one or both of the babies is crawling/toddling and able to get near Toby, he’s not malicious and wouldn’t try to hurt them. Although, I could see him smacking them on the butt while they’re crawling around – because he wants to play.

He already loves the babies!  He could never hurt them....
He already loves the babies! He could never hurt them….

It agitates me to no end that people think we should just “get rid of” the pets now that we’re growing humans. I love these cats like they’re my kids! They might have a huge adjustment period. They might need to have their behaviours corrected at some point. Do people really think that means I shouldn’t love them anymore? Apple and Banana are going to do annoying things. They’re going to need to be taught and corrected for like 18 years. Should I just abandon them if one smacks the other one on the butt? That’s a crazy thought, no? So then why is that same thought acceptable to entertain just because it’s a cat, or a dog, or a rabbit? Having fur doesn’t make them less important… at least not to me.

They'd rather play with paper and bags than a baby
They’d rather play with paper and bags than a baby

beanie

Another Gem

And they just keep on coming….

 

 

beanie: Ugh, I feel like crap.

Cody:   Uh oh, are you getting sick, peep?

beanie: I don’t know… but I’m currently timing what I believe are Braxton Hicks.

Cody:   Oh, ok. I’m on standby to run home. Are they painful?

beanie: No, just the regular. I had 3 in 10 minutes, but nothing since.

Cody:   Oh, are you worried? Is that too patterned?

beanie: LOL, it’s not patterned at all…

Cody:   Weird, maybe Banana is trying to break free from her spot.

beanie: Maybe, but I’m sure its just things getting ready. I still have my water, so that’s good lol

Cody:   Exactly. Screw Jeff Probst. Fire doesn’t represent life, water is way more important.

beanie: At least I have that quote in writing.

 

 

beanie

 

PS – I am still getting the BH, but like I said, they’re not patterned or painful.

Lasagna Babies

With the news that we’d be having these babies a week earlier than we thought, I got a little panicked. I always knew I wouldn’t be going to 40 weeks, however the original plan was to not go past 38 weeks. Yesterday, that changed and I was informed I’d now be induced at 37 weeks if I did not go into labor sooner.

I sat in the car, mildly panicking, telling Cody that there was still A LOT to do. I realized that this might be putting a lot of pressure on my husband, who has admitted that he is scared to hold the girls when they cannot support their own necks.

And with that, here’s another classic Cody moment:

beanie: Well, 37 weeks isn’t soooo bad. I mean, they’re considered full term by then.

Cody: Exactly! They’re cooked all the way through. Waiting for food to cool down is the worst part of cooking.

beanie: Uh… they’re not food. We’re not eating them.

Cody: I know that. I’m just saying, isn’t the worst part about cooking lasagna having to wait the 10 minutes for it to cool off? You know it’s ready and it’s just sitting there! So yes, I feel that 37 weeks is better than 38.

beanie: Because… they know they’re “done”…?

Cody: They know they’re done and they’re just going to pull them out of the oven. That’s how I like to eat my food. When it’s ready, it’s ready and I don’t like to wait. IT’S A METAPHOR. I’m not eating anything.

beanie: I don’t know why I don’t record you as soon as you start talking.

beanie

How I Lost a Week in a Day

Oh, man, the hormones are strong today! So – instead of continuing to sit here and be upset over every little thing, I thought I’d bless you all with a little update on my fruit basket.

My Apple and my Banana. We got to see them again yesterday. Everything looks great! I am now a little over 31 weeks and everything is just perfect with these two! Honestly, I have such a hard time trusting my body after dealing with infertility and my miscarriages. Somehow though, my body has knocked it outta the park with this pregnancy. Thank God!

Apple AKA Twin A. She’s grown a pound in two weeks! She is weighing approximately 3lbs 11oz, which is average for 31 weeks, and is in head down position! It would appear that she will be the second baby to be born though, so she will be “Baby B, Twin A”. Yeah, that’s confusing to me too. She jumped from the 35th percentile to the 56th percentile. My Apple Sauce is my late night party animal, though she is definitely getting more active during the day. She also has hair!

Banana AKA Twin B. She also grew a pound in two weeks! This little chunky monkey is weighing approximately 4lbs 7oz, which is about a pound above average. The doctor is not concerned about this, it’s actually kind of a good thing because twins are usually underweight when born. Banana Bear is in head down position as well and is presenting. I had no idea what this meant, but it would appear that Banana has dropped and is getting ready to go – her head is in the birthing canal already. No wonder I pee 80 times a night!  My Banana Bread is now measuring in the 78th percentile and also has some hair! This kid is going to be long, too, cause her head is waaaay low, and her bum and feet are waaaay high up in my ribs, where she likes to kick. All day.

Dr. Barrett met with us after the ultrasound. He is very happy with the development of the babies. The doctor is happy that they’ve gone into the right position because this means vaginal delivery is a go! He then told us that rather than inducing at 38 weeks, that is going to be done at 37 weeks instead (obviously that is if I don’t go into labour before). You wouldn’t think 1 week would make a difference…. but it does! An epidural was “strongly recommended” – but it wasn’t even a question for me. I have never once doubted getting the epidural! It was also explained to me that I’d deliver in an operating room, which I knew, because there would be extra staff during the delivery. I was reassured that since both babies are in head down position, this gives me about a 1% chance of needing a C-section for Apple, it’s very unlikely. They still have time to switch up their positions, but the doctor doubts this is going to happen. He is also happy that Banana is the one coming out first since they prefer the bigger baby to be born first.

I was freaked out that with Banana “presenting” that this meant labor was around the corner. I’ve been (mildly) reassured that she is just comfy, but it doesn’t mean I need my hospital bag just yet. Even still, that bad boy is getting packed up this weekend.

So there we have it! Less than 6 weeks until my babies are here. Turns out they might end up being Canada Day babies after all (Cody was convinced this entire time!). I’m trying not to have a meltdown about how soon this is, but I’ve been getting a little panicked on and off for the last 24 hours. Cody and I decided that the next 5ish weeks will be me sitting down and taking it easy. The doctor told me to carry on as I have been (it’s working, obviously!), but my mobility is quite limited these days and I’m wicked tired. Also, I really don’t want to throw myself into early labor just so I can say I vacuumed that day. It’s not looking like that will happen, but better to be safe. Plus, who doesn’t want a veto on laundry!?

beanie

Why I Cry

I cry ALL.THE.TIME.

I cry for sad moments.  I cry when I’m mad. I cry when I’m happy.  I’ve even cried so that I could get what I wanted (both as a child AND as an adult).

I am notorious in my family for having been an awful child. In fact, I was often called “Shrieky” because I would always be yelling, crying, or squealing. One of my favorite stories goes something like this:
I was being babysat by my Aunt Carol, who decided to make me Mac & Cheese for lunch. After finishing my first bowl, I asked for another. My aunt found this unusual, but obliged. It wasn’t for a couple of days, but she and my uncle eventually discovered that I’d dumped BOTH bowls of Mac & Cheese in one of the heat radiators in the floor. I believe I was about 3 at the time.

I cry when Cody and I argue. Seriously, almost every time. I get so angry that eventually I can’t yell anymore so my tear ducts seem to take over.

I had a watery wedding. First, it was when I saw my Dad in his tux – he looked so handsome! Then, I cried when my Dad shook Cody’s hand as he left me at the top of the aisle, about to say “I Do”. Seeing the pure love in Cody’s eyes as I walked up to him got me choked up. I cried during our wedding vows. I cried during the receiving line. I cried during my ridiculous, awful wedding speech. Then I drank enough tequila that I danced the rest of the night away, laughing and being happy. I got into a limo with my closest friends and HUSBAND that night, headed to our hotel, and screamed “I’m now going to make a baby!”, before hopping out of the car and practically floating to my room.

I cried every single time a pet has died. I can tell you details of what happened and how I felt for all of them, including my first cat, Smokey, who was put down for a reason I’m still not entirely sure of. I was about 10 or 12 at the time and the night before he was euthanized I hugged him close and sobbed into his fur.

When my Auntie Janet died in 2013, I cried for days on end. She was the first person in my family who passed when I was old enough to understand (there’d been a couple of deaths in my family when I was a child and then nothing until my Auntie Janet). I never got to say goodbye. Not on the phone, not in person, not at her funeral. I plan to go up North and visit my family over Thanksgiving this year and hope to be able to visit my Auntie and say a real, proper goodbye.

I cried every single cycle of trying to get pregnant. I would cry when my follicles wouldn’t grow. I would cry when my hormones would surge. I would cry when I had to have a PIO shot to the ass. I would cry after every single negative test. I would cry and say I just could not do another cycle. I would then cry because the thought of stopping killed me. The night before heading to the clinic to start the new cycle brought the most tears.

Finding out I was pregnant with Bumble caused a lot of tears. I cried harder when I lost him. I cried from my belly with each of my miscarriages.

I cried in November when I found out I was pregnant again! I then proceeded to be terrified almost every single day since then. Some moments have been scarier than others, which has resulted in a lot of tears over the last (almost!) 8 months. I know I am going to cry when I meet my girlies face to face. I am going to bawl when Cody holds them and falls in love with those princesses. I am going to cry when they go to school, when they go on their first sleep over, when they have their hearts broken, and when they fall in love. I’m never going to stop crying.

Most of the above examples are fairly legitimate reasons for crying. However, to lighten this up a little, I thought I’d share a couple of my more ridiculous reasons for crying over the last few months.

1. I cried while watching Frozen. Specifically, it was the scene when Elsa sings “Let It Go”. Why? Because I was just so sad for her – she’d been locked away and miserable and now she just needed to run.

2. I cried while watching Friends… a lot. We recently decided to watch the series because it was on Netflix. I cried when Rachel got pregnant. I cried when Phoebe got married. I cried when Monica and Chandler brought the babies home. I cried when Joey and Chandler hugged goodbye.

3. I cried when I saw a cat outside on a semi-cold night. When I asked my husband to pull over so I could catch the cat and bring him/her in, he explained to me – LIKE I WAS A CHILD – that the cat probably already had a home, with people who loved him/her and would miss the cat. I got upset because the pet owners MUST be sadistic bastards for leaving the cat out at night, when it’s cold.

4. I cried when my BFF bought our babies little blankets with sheep on them.

5. I cried over getting pregnancy acne. More than once.

AND HERE’S THE LATEST AND GREATEST!

I was cleaning my bathroom (enough to make me want to cry) and came across a spider while sweeping. I didn’t dare to squish it because my boss once told me that it would be bad karma to kill anything living. So, I called my cat over, showed him the spider, and let nature take it’s course. As I watched my Toby-Bear bat the stupid spider around and then eat it, I started to get teary eyed. I’d just sentenced that little spider to death. I hired a hit man and let that innocent little spider be killed by my cat. I felt terrible then, and 4 days later, I still feel awful.

Seriously. Over a spider.

beanie

The Art of Oversharing

Oversharing is a given when you write and/or read a blog about trying to get pregnant and/or being pregnant. Never did you imagine that you’d talk about heavy flows, your sex positions, or your vagina so much, but there it is. You also probably didn’t think you’d read about these things from virtual strangers either.

I’ve been on this journey to get pregnant since 2008. I finally started to see a reproductive endocrinologist at a fertility clinic in 2012. It was my “infertile” diagnosis that prompted me to start this blog. It’s been over two years of writing my own posts and reading those from others that got me thinking: How much info is too much info? On an almost daily basis, I am shocked (and sometimes grossed out) at the things I’ve read.

0.

1. “Dildo-Cam”.

1.

I don’t know why this bothers me so much. I mean, a trans-vaginal ultrasound is awful. It’s embarrassing, it’s invasive, it takes too long. Dildos imply “fun” to me, since I would associate it with pleasure. Why would we want to put a “cutesy” name to this machine? It’s misleading to me. Not to mention, they now make dildos with cameras on them…

Yes, I know about these. No, I do not have one (I wouldn’t share that with you anyway) – they apparently talked about it on the radio, which was then relayed to me, and I am now telling you. Yes, in Canada we talk about dildos on the radio.

When I was looking for a picture of this said toy, the first thing that popped up was porn. The second thing was “Used Dildo Camera for sale”. Of all the things to buy second hand….. ick.

2. Your cervix.

I do not know what my cervix looks like. I do not know what my cervix feels like. I can honestly say that I’ve never gone rooting around in my vag, trying to find my cervix in an effort to know if it is opened or closed. However, after reading about so many of your cervix’s, I got curious one day and googled what it looked/felt like.

Apparently, it looks like the baby Alien Chestburster.

2.

This is terrifying and has kept my fingers where they belong.

3. Your sex life.

Some people will use terms like “pollinate my flower” when talking about sex. Some make it clinical and say “have sex/intercourse”. Some give the details about the time, length of session, positioning, and quality of orgasm.

3.

I just don’t need to know.

4. Cervical mucous.

There are really people out there who scoop up their mucous on their FINGER (some use toilet paper) and POST THIS ON THE INTERNET.

4.

Don’t google it.

5. Pregnancy tests.

5.

I don’t really have a big problem with this. I mean, I’ve taken hundreds of tests over the years! I get why people post the pictures – there’s nothing worse than kinda seeing a line, but not sure if it’s real or not. I mostly have a problem with the people who comment on the photos, so sure that there is a line. There’s being positive and then there’s giving false hope.


6. Your vagina.

How is it so easy to talk about the appearance of your lady bits? Or what comes out of it? Or what goes into it?

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7. Your bowel movements.

Constipation is real. It’s painful and embarrassing. I get that we need to relate to each other, but talking about your feces in detail makes me weirded out. But you know what, it’s not just TTCers. My BFF talks to me about her poop all the time.

7.

Better get used to it, beanie. Two kids in less than 2 months – there’s gonna be a lot of shit talk.

8. Your nipples.

8.

Much like your vagina, I think the details of the size, color, and orientation could be left to our imagination. I find it very weird to be forming a picture of what your breasts look like when I don’t even know what your face looks like…. or what your name is.

9. Your period.

I’ve done this. We’ve all done this. However, I don’t want to somehow come across a picture of a bloody pad or tampon on the internet! This is too far, people. TOO. FAR.

9.

10. Your weight.

You probably look fine. If you’re pregnant, you probably look fine – and hey, guess what? You’re supposed to gain weight! Every time we focus on outward appearance, this makes it ok to have others focus on our outward appearance. Next thing you know, our daughters and wearing makeup, straightening their hair, and dieting when they’re 11 years old thanks to media and our inability to look beyond a belly roll.

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Of course, being healthy conscious is one thing. Obsession is another.

We all have different pain thresholds. Yours could be stronger than mine, but I could be stronger than “Betty”*. I think the same goes with my gag reflex. Many of the culprits on my list could be NOTHING to you, but they do weird me out a little. Please don’t think I’m talking about YOU (in case you have written about any of the above), I know I am not innocent of some of these. This is all a joke, anyway, not meant to be taken seriously and DEFINITLY not meant to offend anyone.

That being said – we, as a group, apparently have no shame.  And I love you all.

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beanie

*Betty is not a real person. I mean, there are real people named Betty, but I don’t know her and I am not shit talking her.

** Also, all images were found on Google, after much trial and error.  Oh, the things I’ve seen.