A Proper Update

I am sitting here and trying to figure out what the heck to write.  I mean, SO MUCH has happened, and I don’t really know where I left off…  I’m also really friggen tired and Char is banging in her bed, so I’m a little all over the place and distracted.

Ok…. so, Penelope.  She is about 35 pounds and super tall.  She’s 99% for weight, high 80s for height and head.  We are still waiting on her 2 year molars.  Her nickname is “P”, and she likes to call herself Super P.  It’s adorable.  P is a very happy girl, as she has been since the day she was born.  She can speak very well, using full sentences.  She is usually pretty clear, but every once in a while I have to guess what she’s saying.  Penelope is still a mama’s girl, rarely picking Cody over me.

Charlotte AKA CharChar.  This little one is about 30 pounds and catching up in height to P.  She has all of her teeth, in fact she did at about 18 months.  That kid is a teeth growing machine!  Miss Charlotte is also a mama’s girl now.  She will go to Cody much more willingly than P, but still prefers me.  Char is very shy around people and will cling for dear life until she warms up.  Bring out a puppy, though, and she’s all yours.  Charlotte is part monkey, I swear to God.  She climbs everything, jumps off shit, freefalls, goes down 6ft tall slides.  Nothing scares this child!  Her speech is coming along, but there is still a lot of incoherent babble.  The words are there, because if you get her to calm down, she will clearly say what she wants/will repeat you perfectly.  Our major issue is that P will talk for both of them, and Char is content with that.  I’m not worried, cause I know it will come when she is ready.

The girls, as a unit, are awesome.  However, truth be told, I am not a fan of toddlers.  The attitude is ridiculous.  And when you have two two year olds, it can get old fast.  P and Char are also far from being besties.  The amount of fighting over toys or me is insane!  I try and try and try to get them the understand sharing, but jesus, they are two year olds who really just don’t get it and are impatient little creatures.  That’s just toddlers being toddlers.  As frustrated as I can get though, I really want time to slow down.  Just today I noticed how independent they are and how quickly it’s going and it really made me sad.

As for moi, I’m alright.  Tired, my back is always sore (I have an issue with my sacroiliac joint), I might have a STONE in my parotid gland which is in your FACE.  I should find out more tomorrow and what the heck happens next.  I am still taking cipralex for my anxiety and depression, which is going ok.  My insomnia got way worse, which was making my anxiety worse, so my doctor prescribed me medical marijuana.  Still testing that out, but it seems to help some stuff (sleep, libido, mood), but its hard to get used to.  Even though its legitimately being used to help me, I still cant help feeling a bit weird about it.

Cody and I are doing way better.  I finally feel happy with him again.  We will be celebrating seven years being married in October!

Another great thing is that I finally have my Mama Tribe.  I’ll write about that in full detail another day.

Ok, time to clean… or something.  Clearly the work never ends, so I best go and find it.

 

beanie

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OMG WTF

Does my husband know me???????

I just don’t understand him somedays.

For the last 2 days, even though I am medicated with Cipralex and “other” “meds”, I have had a lot of anxiety and my depression is popping up again.  That is just what happens.  Even though you take meds, you’re still human and you still have feelings, and you still have bad days, and you still cry.  It’s called LIFE.

When my “friend” announced her pregnancy with twins, I flat out told Cody that I was not happy for her.  It’s the truth.  I am NOT happy for her.  Call me a bitch, call me whatever.  I don’t care.  I really am not happy for her.

And since we’ve had the girls, pregnancy after pregnancy have been announced.  I try to say “good for them” or “congrats” or SOMETHING, but really… I don’t usually give a fuck.  I don’t want to think about people and their easy pregnancies or whatever.  Good for them, but leave me out of it.

The last 2 days have been rough.  A lot of things are getting to me, I had a crying episode yesterday, blah blah blah.  So why Cody just came home and announced with great joy that his friend and bitchy wife are expecting their first kid, I have no goddamn clue.

… and I lost it.

“You know what, Cody, I don’t care.  I don’t care about Mike and Henry and Chad and all of their wives having children.  I DON’T CARE!!  Don’t tell me about it anymore!  I don’t want to hear about pregnancy any more!!  I AM NOT HAPPY FOR THESE PEOPLE!  That might make me a bitch, whatever!  I don’t want to know!!”

I don’t understand how after 10 years, 2 solid years of fertility treatment, a miscarriage, chemical pregnancies, and finally 2 babies – this man does not get that this stuff still gets to me.  HOW?!

I know it might seem dramatic.  Maybe it is!  But I feel how I feel and I can’t help it!  I don’t know how else to get it across to him…

Fuck you, infertility.  Leave me alone!!

 

beanie

Starting Again

We went out and finally bought a new computer!  I am hoping that this will make it easier to write my posts more often.  I’ve been wanting to write and get some feelings and thoughts out, but with only being able to use to WP app, I just didn’t have the patience.  I swear – everytime I would write a post, it would delete and I’d have to start over.  Ain’t nobody got time for that.  (I swore I would never use that term, but it seemed apt for this occasion!)

So, my friends – thank you for sticking with me.  I hope to be able to bring you some fun stories again.  And Cody and I are also trying to get pregnant again, so that stuff will be making a regular appearance as well.

OH!  And the Dove campaign!!  I completely forgot.  I’ll post more about that next time.  What an amazing opportunity, let me tell you.

I am also going to be starting another blog, though I am not sure I’ll be posting anything between the two.  Who knows, maybe I’ll link to it as well.

Hope you’re all doing well.  Even though I haven’t been posting, I’ve been keeping up with you all.

Talk to you soon,

 

beanie