It’s Just Not Happening Today

Bring me back like 5 years ago and I’d be either out doing something super fun or I’d be anxiously awaiting tomorrow.  Cause February 6th happens to be my birthday.

For the last few years I just haven’t been feeling it. I mean, frig, I’m turning 33 tomorrow, so my birthday doesnt have the same magical feel to it as it would when I was a kid.  Or even 20, 25.  But I used to love to plan it, see my friends, eat and be happy.

I’ve been grumpy For the last 2 days.  There’s a multitude of reasons:  supposed to get my period, no period, BFN, was ridiculously sick, have a disgusting cold sore, fought with Cody, girls are crabby, my brother is irritating me, I’m tired, I’m hungry.  I blame hormones and men.  

Cold sores are gross.  Lets be real.  If you’ve never had one, good for you but here’s something you might not have thought about:  you just might be a carrier cause apparently 70% of the population is infected with HSV-1.  If you have had a cold sore, I’m gonna bet it’s been on your lip and you get self conscious about it.  People probably tell you it’s no big deal, but turn your back and bet money they are looking for hand santizer.  And they should, it’s super easy to pass.  BUT, you’re still mortified.  If you haven’t had the sore on your lip, then you’re a member of the same category as me and get them somewhere awkward.  I get them on my nose.  When you see someone with a cold sore on their lip, you know what it is and you all just move along with your life.  When you see someone like me with a big ass THING on their face, you accidentally-on-purpose stare.  

IT SUCKS.  

So, now that I have kids I’m wicked paranoid.  I read up on the cold sore thing and apparently, cause I’m so brilliant, the virus is spread through saliva REGARDLESS of where the sore is.  I did not know this.  Now that I do, I am not kissing my children.  Two things:  1) it’s super hard cause they are the most adorable things to hit this planet and 2) I’m scared that they have already contracted it.  I’m being dilligent and hygenic, but fuuuuuuuck.  It doesn’t help that most who are going to get this usually get it by age 3, and again – 70% of the population carries this. My kids could go to playgroup and BAM – cold sore breeding heaven.  

Anyway, as you can see, I’m obsessing and it sucks.  I dont like fake kissing my sad baby on the top of her head.  I don’t like not being able to be carefree with them.  Its for the greater good, but it’s impacting my mood.

And tomorrow Cody planned something for my birthday, I think a massage, and it’s just… Ugh.  I hate going out with this THING on my face. 

We are going to Niagara on Friday, and I am trying to think about that.  About getting away, eating, sleeping, having alone time.  And then I remember that I could still be dealing with my current appearance hinderance.  Or that my period will likely pop up just in time for a road trip.

That’s another thing!  My period.  I’ve been testing for pregnancy cause well, I’m late.  But am I?  Well, according to my ovulation app, I am.  But who the hell knows.  Effing PCOS.  and I’m so tired of that sad, stupid, lonely, pink line.  I want another baby.  And I suddenly find myself back in TTC hell, BFN torture, 2WW bullshit.  I HATE THIS.  

My cat keeps pissing on the floor, we have a new bunny and she bites, my husband doesn’t clean anything in my home, I sleep alone more than 50% of the week, and did I mention:  I have a cold sore.
Happy friggen birthday to me.  
beanie


PS:  I will update something more positive tomorrow.  I hope.   And hopefully reply to all of your very lovely and wonderful comments on my last couple of posts ❤❤

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