Last night Cody and I went out to dinner. I plucked off the parsley sprigs from my pasta and prepared to dive in. I look up and Cody is handing me his parsley sprig. I take it and place it with the others, wondering why he cannot manage to do that for himself. Cody gives me this weird look and says “I’m giving you PARSLEY…” I looked at him with confusion and then realized what he was doing. It was one of the sweetest things he’s ever done. He remembered my post on superstitions.
Unfortunately, a parsley sprig apparently will not have the same effect of growing a parsley plant. Neither will the booties under the pillow or swallowing a watermelon seed, FYI.
I woke up early this morning after a fitful night. I could not fall asleep because I was so excited about waking up in the morning. I was going to go to the drug store and buy a pregnancy test and I just KNEW it was going to be positive. Sore boobs, bloating, tired, and tender gums. It had to be positive.
It was not.
I’m devastated. I usually try and guard myself, but I keep managing to be convinced that I’ve conceived. I try to push down the giddiness in hopes of not being so let down in the end, but it just didn’t work this month. I stared at that single line and was stunned. And then sad. I called Cody and cried a bit – which is so not fair for him. I whimpered and admitted that I was dumb for not waiting to test until he was home with me. I test when I’m alone because I want to be able to surprise Cody with the news. I want more than anything to see the pure happiness of him finding out he’s going to be a daddy. Maybe I should always test with him at home so that even if it’s negative I can be there to support HIM. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a hundred times – we’re in this together. We share all of the highs and lows together… somehow I keep forgetting that he might be just as sad to hear that it didn’t work.
The idea of doing this all over again exhausts me. The medications, the ultrasounds, the procedures, the money. It is just so much to handle. I know it’s going to work again. I know I’m going to conceive and carry full term and bring home a baby…….. eventually. It’s the waiting and wondering that makes it so frustrating.
Last year I’d seen a psychic. He told me that I was going to find out I was pregnant, it would be a normal pregnancy without complications, I’d be having twins and they’d be born in August 2014. Now, he was right because I did find out I was pregnant that month and I was due in August. However, there was only one baby, there were a few complications, and I ended up miscarrying. Often I wonder if he mixed up the timeline somehow… like maybe it’s going to be August of this year when I conceive, not deliver. If that’s the case, that seems really far away. Or it could all be bullshit and he has no clue what he’s talking about.
What a day. And it’s only 9:46AM.
PS – I’m not banking on the word of a psychic, people. I saw him for fun and just ended up getting wrapped up in what he’d said to me. I know that God is in charge. Believe me, I talk to Him daily about this struggle and in the end I trust in Him and His timeline . Not a psychic.