Parsley-Smarsley

Last night Cody and I went out to dinner.  I plucked off the parsley sprigs from my pasta and prepared to dive in.  I look up and Cody is handing me his parsley sprig.  I take it and place it with the others, wondering why he cannot manage to do that for himself.  Cody gives me this weird look and says “I’m giving you PARSLEY…”  I looked at him with confusion and then realized what he was doing.  It was one of the sweetest things he’s ever done.  He remembered my post on superstitions.  

Unfortunately, a parsley sprig apparently will not have the same effect of growing a parsley plant.  Neither will the booties under the pillow or swallowing a watermelon seed, FYI.

I woke up early this morning after a fitful night.  I could not fall asleep because I was so excited about waking up in the morning.  I was going to go to the drug store and buy a pregnancy test and I just KNEW it was going to be positive.  Sore boobs, bloating, tired, and tender gums.  It had to be positive.  

It was not.

I’m devastated.  I usually try and guard myself, but I keep managing to be convinced that I’ve conceived.  I try to push down the giddiness in hopes of not being so let down in the end, but it just didn’t work this month.  I stared at that single line and was stunned.  And then sad.  I called Cody and cried a bit – which is so not fair for him.  I whimpered and admitted that I was dumb for not waiting to test until he was home with me.  I test when I’m alone because I want to be able to surprise Cody with the news.  I want more than anything to see the pure happiness of him finding out he’s going to be a daddy.  Maybe I should always test with him at home so that even if it’s negative I can be there to support HIM.  If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a hundred times – we’re in this together.  We share all of the highs and lows together… somehow I keep forgetting that he might be just as sad to hear that it didn’t work.  

The idea of doing this all over again exhausts me.  The medications, the ultrasounds, the procedures, the money.  It is just so much to handle.  I know it’s going to work again.  I know I’m going to conceive and carry full term and bring home a baby…….. eventually.  It’s the waiting and wondering that makes it so frustrating.

Last year I’d seen a psychic.  He told me that I was going to find out I was pregnant, it would be a normal pregnancy without complications, I’d be having twins and they’d be born in August 2014.  Now, he was right because I did find out I was pregnant that month and I was due in August.  However, there was only one baby, there were a few complications, and I ended up miscarrying.  Often I wonder if he mixed up the timeline somehow… like maybe it’s going to be August of this year when I conceive, not deliver.  If that’s the case, that seems really far away.  Or it could all be bullshit and he has no clue what he’s talking about.  

What a day.  And it’s only 9:46AM.

 

beanie

 

PS – I’m not banking on the word of a psychic, people.  I saw him for fun and just ended up getting wrapped up in what he’d said to me.  I know that God is in charge.  Believe me, I talk to Him daily about this struggle and in the end I trust in Him and His timeline .  Not a psychic.

Advertisements

Phew. For Now.

Well, folks – no news is good news when it comes to my progesterone testing!  I was tempted to call just to find out for sure, but I was reprimanded last time.  Since I had no missed calls or voicemails after work, I’m going to assume all is well in the land of my baby-cushioning and will continue with my current dosage of progesterone.  I’m headed back into the clinic either Monday or Tuesday for my baseline blood work!

It’s offically weekend time for me.  Not much planned over here, except some gardening (I have to separate my tomato plants… they’re in pots right now but they’re getting too crowded.  I hope they don’t die!).  OH!  And I’m (FINALLY) mailing out something for a special blogger friend of mine.  You may have heard of her – Elisha at waitingforbabybird.com.  She’s kind of a big deal 😉

Have a good weekend, people!  Mine will be short, but sweet.

 

beanie

 

A Wait Within the 2WW

I guess I’m 6 days past IUI#1, 5 days past IUI#2 AND ovulation.  Or – I don’t really know.  Before IUI#1, I hadn’t ovulated, but before IUI#2 I had, so I’m not entirely sure how many days it’s actually been since I’ve ovulated.  Anyway, I went in this morning for my progesterone check.  PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE say a little prayer for me, send some good vibes, do some variation of a rain dance – anything!  I need this check to be good.  If my progesterone isn’t high enough, I’ll have to start the PIO shots again since I’m on the max dosage of suppositories.  And while the shots are very effective, they hurt A LOT and Cody hates doing them for me.

I should hear back from the clinic around noon if it’s not good… or I’ll hear nothing if it’s fine.  I’m really hoping for no missed calls today!  I’ll update you all after work 🙂

 

beanie

Waving the White Flag

I am officially in the two week wait.  I have a love-hate relationship with the 2WW.  I don’t like the symptom spotting or the actual waiting… however, I REALLY like not having shots every night and not needing to go to the clinic multiple times a week.  I really don’t win at all until I see a positive test, though.

Saturday I had IUI Numero Uno.  My doctor seemed in a rush to get out of the clinic ASAP – I mean, it was the start to the long weekend, so I understand why.  My cervix, however, did not.  I’ve never really had any pain during an IUI, the cramping was pretty much non-existent, and I’ve never spotted – until Saturday.  To make matters worse, Cody was sick.  Throwing up sick.  Apparently I’m a mean bastard and never have enough sympathy when he’s ill.  We actually argued for a good portion of the day because I was upset that he wasn’t there for me and I needed him.  This made me extra emotional (I kid you not – I cried 5 separate times throughout Saturday) and I sat in the backseat while he drove us home.  This only gave me more time to think that me crying, yelling, and throwing a fit was killing off the 27 million swimmers that were just put in me.  Lovely.

IUI Numero Dos happened on Sunday.  We had to go to a different clinic in downtown Toronto.  This clinic was HUGE.  There were a bunch of different sign up sheets, different waiting areas, and like 100 more people than I’m used to seeing at my regular clinic.  We were there for about two and a half hours.  Lucky for me, Lena (the ultrasound tech from my usual clinic) was there and she grabbed my chart right when she saw me.  She confirmed that I’d ovulated (even though technically she wasn’t allowed to do that) and then gave me some more thorough instructions of what to do next.  I went for blood and it was fine – no pain, no bruising.  Then the long wait for my IUI began.  When we finally made it back, Ruth, a nurse practitioner, was the one doing the IUI.  I was mostly ok with this, since Ella had told me that she was good and very nice.  Ruth “guaranteed” that she was going to get me pregnant and even told me how she’d done her daughter-in-law’s IUI and she got pregnant with twins.  I’d told her that I had miscarried a few moths prior and she then said she’s also “put some crazy glue up there” too.  …Not sure how to take that.  Anyway, the IUI was MORE painful than Saturday’s – I even had to squeeze Cody’s hand, which had never happened.  It was over fast and with only a few weird comments.  The grand total was only 4.5 million little guys.  Eventually a doctor came in but he really didn’t seem to care to be there since we weren’t that clinic’s patients.  He said the number was fine and I could get up whenever I was ready.

Ruth did give me some fun facts I thought I’d share with you.  A)  4.5 million is a good number and they aren’t worried since normally only about 200,000 swimmers make it past the cervix, normally.  B)  It takes about 8 minutes for sperm to swim approximately 1 inch.  Which is a lot, since they’re so tiny.  It does not take a lot of time for them to be where they need to be!

After the IUI, we made a trip to Ikea.  We went for lunch after that.  And then we went to my in-laws house.

duhn Duhn DUUUHHHNNN!

It was fine.  Good, even.  My mother-in-law asked what we’d been up to, and Cody said “We had to go to the clinic this morning.” and she asked how it was.  I told her I was a little sore and tired, but it was ok.  She made a comment about how it would be better to get the testing over with now and we just smiled.  I figured if it didn’t go any further than that we’d have still made progress.  A few seconds later she asked me what we’d had done at the clinic.  Cody and I looked at each other and I turned to her and said “Um, well I had an IUI.  So… artificial insemination….” – so awkward.  She instantly went from stunned to excited (she works in the medical field so she understands what an IUI is without getting into dirty, weird details).  All of a sudden, I’m being told to lay down, keep your feet up, here – take the recliner.  I was laughing and telling them I was ok, but they still didn’t let me help with anything during our visit.  Cody’s mom asked some more questions about how many times we’d done this, what medications I needed to take, and what clinic we had been to.  It was really nice.  We moved on to some other topics and Cody’s dad came home.  They went outside to start (but not finish) building a gazebo and I was watching TV with one sister-in-law and Cody’s mom was moving about the house.  My MIL then randomly came into the room and said “Beanie, thank you so much for telling me.  Let me know if you ever need anything or if we can help at all.”  It was really, really nice.  I told her that we’d agreed that we wanted to have them involved since the last pregnancy ended in miscarriage and we realized how much we needed our family’s support.  I also told her I hadn’t said anything to anyone since I was ashamed.  She was comforting and so nice about everything.  She also said they wouldn’t be telling anyone since it wasn’t anyone’s business.  Later, my father-in-law and husband needed a tool from Canadian Tire, so they sent my mother-in-law.  Rather than sit and watch TV, I made the choice to go with her on the errand.  I normally wouldn’t have done that.  It was fine though, and we even found the right tool!  Before we left, she thanked us again for keeping her “in the loop” and said she was looking forward to finding out the result in a few weeks.

After getting to talk to my mother-in-law, I was so relieved.  It really is just so much easier to be getting along with her and the rest of my in-laws than to be standoffish.  I’m happy to say that it looks like both sides will be making efforts to bond with each other.  And even though she can probably do the math and figure out the exact day when we’ll know if our IUI’s worked or not, I know she won’t pry or even ask.  

Monday was uneventful.  We went to see our friends who are expecting.  I’m ok with the pregnancy part – it’s when my pregnant friend seems to think that we can’t also talk about my pregnancy journey as well.  Don’t get me wrong – I’m not an attention-seeking-jerk.  But friendship should go both way and I’m going through a big thing too.  Why are we pretending like I’m not pregnant by choice?  Here is a jerky thing though – I’m not going to her baby shower.  Even if I’m expecting and not wanting to cry because it’s “not fair”, I’m still not going.  Mostly cause she and I do not share a single common friend.  And cause I just don’t want to go.

I think that’s it for the update, folks.  Lame, no funny “quips”.  I hope you all had a good long weekend!  And that no one is missing any fingers from setting off fireworks!

 

beanie

Family Dynamics

After Cody and I left the fertility clinic, I dropped him off at work.  Wouldn’t you know it, his Dad is outside and spots us.  Perfect.

We make some small talk and his Dad says to me “Come and visit me!  You never come over.  Come for a BBQ, I have some work for Cody to do.”  Cody did tell me about this and I was holding steady with my boycott.

I didn’t tell you about the boycott, did I?  Well, after my miscarriage I decided that I just cannot bear to be around Cody’s family.  Mostly his extended family, but I didn’t really want to go to many of the immediate family get-togethers either. I have tried really hard over the years to get to know his family and they don’t show any interest in doing the same, so I give up.  When I miscarried I kept waiting to hear from my mother-in-law, and it never happened.  I was shocked because she was so happy we were expecting, so it really hurt that she didn’t care that I was suffering.  So I explained to Cody that I was going to boycott most family get-togethers for minimum 1 year.  I told him I needed the break and that I was doing this for me.

However… last night I changed my tune.  I told Cody that we could go to the BBQ – but he had to explain to his parents that I was likely going to be having an IUI that day and I can’t guarantee we’ll actually be showing up.  Cody was on board and told me that he was going to tell his parents that the IUI’s are hard on the system, so the BBQ would have to be a quiet get-together.  I was so happy that he really seemed to understand my feelings so well and would be able to relay them to the outlaws.  I also told Cody that instead of being defensive and pushing his immediate family away, I’ll try again.  ONE LAST TIME.  I’m actually looking forward to seeing how this turns out.

Ok, so I’m standing there in a public parking lot, looking like shit, and my father-in-law asks me what I’m up to after I leave.  I told him that it’s my day off so I was on my way back home.  He says “Oh, and you drove Cody all the way to work?” and I reply with “Well, we went to the fertility clinic this morning.”  His reaction was….. good-ish?  He asked how things were going and I said something about it being alright, but slow.  My father-in-law then said “That’s ok.  It will all be good.  I’ll have grandkids and a train set and everything will be ok.”  I’m not entirely sure how I feel about the exact words, but the thought was there.  And that’s what I do appreciate.  I hope that his concern for me can be extended to his wife and daughters over the weekend.

Maybe there’s hope for us yet.

So, random side note #1 – I’m paranoid.  One of my sister-in-laws is more of the writer type.  I got it in my head that she’s on WordPress and she’s somehow going to find my blog and know it’s me.  I (obviously) don’t use my name or even my husband’s real name – but I posted photos.  In my paranoia, I’ve made this post private.  If you want to read it, please comment and I’ll send you the password 🙂

Random side note #2 – I’m trying to train my cats.  They already know some tricks.  Well, the big one does; the little one is still too unfocused.  What I’m trying to do is try and get them used to wearing a harness so that when we finally get our backyard, I can put them on leashes when we’re outside.  Be honest – on a scale of 1 to 10 of weirdness (1 being “not that weird” and 10 being “you’re taking cat-lady to a whole other level”), where does this sit?

In case I don’t post over the long weekend, I just want to remind everyone to stay safe and have fun!  If you’re going camping – I’m super jealous.

 

beanie

Mommy, How Are Babies Made?

Apparently, I do not know.  And I mean, when your kid goes to sex ed they are told that a boy and a girl fall in love; the boy puts his penis in the girl’s vagina; he ejaculates in her, where sperm travel past her cervix, meet an egg somewhere and nine glorious months later, Junior is born.  But is that even how babies are made anymore?  Mine won’t be.  Do I tell him that?

Sorry for the graphics, people.

Anyway, Bravelle:  you suck.  Or maybe it’s my ovaries that suck.

Both.

So those follicles?  They’re NOT GROWING.  Somehow I’m the only person on the planet to not have ovaries that respond to Bravelle!  I have no “action” on my right ovary, and my left has three follicles measuring 1.4, 1.3, 1.1.  Ok… so like slightly bigger than 2 days ago…. but not enough.  I was hoping for a trigger shot today, but that didn’t happen.  I have to take Bravelle again tonight and head back to the city in the morning.  Looks like my IUI’s are going to maayyybe be on Saturday and Sunday, if I’m “lucky”.   Could be Sunday and Monday, for all I know.  And if it’s Sunday/Monday, I have to go to a different clinic, one I’ve never been to before.  Be violated by someone I don’t know.  Probably two someones.  And you all just read my post about being superstitious, right?  When things are not consistent, I have trouble believing they will work out….

I asked Dr. R (my preferred doctor) about my progesterone.  Lately, he’s referred back to my November cycle and given me comments like “overstimulated” and “estrogen too high” which bugs me cause it’s the cycle where I needed less Bravelle and I ended up pregnant.  Anyway, when asking about progesterone and why it always seems low, he told me that my progesterone was good in my November cycle but that the readings they’re getting when they take my blood are not exactly accurate as to what is really present in my system.  So… I don’t really know what the heck we’re doing anymore.  Should I up the suppositories?  Should I not worry?  One time I was told “over 50” is good, and he tells me today that they like to see over 127……..  my last level in April of 42 is a long way from that….?

I really don’t get any of it.  The fact that anyone can even get pregnant WITHOUT an RE seems amazing these days.  I miss the days of believing that you only had to have unprotected sex in order to get knocked up.

Congratulations, fertile ladies.  You now have ALL of my envy.

 

beanie

 

Is It An Insult If It’s Accurate?

I’ve read a lot of posts about the things people have said to us infertile folks and how much it bothers us.  “What NOT to Say to An Infertile” has been a common theme around WordPress so I thought I’d jump on the bandwagon too, with a slight variation.

What NOT to Say to Your Fertility-Challenged WIFE

 

Beanie:  Ugh, I’m so bloated.

Cody:     Yeah, I noticed.

Beanie:  Really?  Wanna try that again?

Cody:     No, I mean when I gave you your shot, I noticed your pants left a red mark on your tummy.

Beanie:  THANK.  YOU.  

Cody:     It’s just that they’re yoga pants and supposed to be loose.  I’m just saying, I noticed.

Beanie:  You might want to stop while you’re ahead.

Cody:     Am I really ahead?

Beanie:  No, but you might not want to dig that hole any deeper.

 

Oh, but it’s not over, people.  Before bed I receive this comment:

Cody:     I like you’re tummy.  The left side looks a little puffy, though.  Like bigger than the other side.

Beanie:  Seriously??

 

And he KEEPS going!  After finding out I had 5 follicles on my left ovary, he gives ME a dirty look and says:

Cody:     SEE!  I told you the left side was bigger yesterday.

 

Honestly.  What would I write about if I wasn’t married to this guy??

 

beanie

Beanie’s Itinerary for May 13, 2014

4:45AM – “wake up” and drive to the clinic (after being repeatedly woken up all night by Toby and Cody.  One whining, the other snoring).

6:15AM – arrive at the clinic.  Scarf down a Sausage McMuffin and large Coke Zero (I’m still allowed some caffeine.  Don’t be a Judgmental Jenny)

6:25AM – get violated by a transvaginal ultrasound machine

6:35AM – needle time, which went like this:

  • Ella:         I’m helping Manuela today.  She has a cut.
  • Beanie:  Oh, Ok.
  • Ella:          Do you have good veins?
  • Beanie:  (with a look of sheer horror) Um.  I think so?  I hope so.
  • Ella:         I see it.  Let me try.  (grabs needle and other torture devices and with VERY shaky hands, stabs me)
  • Beanie:  (looking away, I cringe and try not to scream “I FEEL IT IN MY ELBOW!”  Note:  I did not really feel it in my elbow.  I’m slightly dramatic)
  • Ella:          Of course I didn’t get it.  (moves the needle around trying to get it?  I don’t know)
  • Beanie:  Oh?  So…?
  • Ella:          Let me go and get Manuela.  Did it hurt? (with a look of embarrassment and slightly scared)
  • Beanie:  Oh, no it wasn’t that bad.  (I cannot purposely make people feel bad)
  • Ella:         …Really?  Well, don’t look.  (while putting a band-aid on the wound and applying pressure)

6:40AM – second attempt at blood work.  Success!

6:45AM – meeting with Dr. R.  Turns out there are 7 follicles now, still kinda small.  5 of them are on the left side.  Two more days of Bravelle and return on Thursday.  Looking like IUI over the weekend.  Happy Victoria Day Long Weekend to me.  Also, apparently I’m responding “normally” to this evil drug (I was told this after I made a biting remark about not progressing very well over the last 4 days).

8:30AM – finally home.  Nap time!

9:40AM – Toby, once again, would like his “mama” to give him all the attention in the world.  No more sleep.

11:00AM – Work 😦  (Plus side:  I talked to my boss about having IUI’s done.  She was so understanding and told me to tell her when I am having them because she wants to make sure she’s accommodating my schedule.  I don’t know why my co-workers bitch about her so much.  She’s always nice to me!  Don’t I sound like a pet?)

The rest of the night is to be determined.  I imagine it involving food of some sort and bed early!  And I know you’re dying to know…. my veins are alright.

 

beanie

Superstitious

I’m a fairly superstitious person.  Not like avoid-black-cats-and-ladders type, but a few things get to me.  One is a complete over share:  I always get my period after I’ve visited my mother-in-law.  So, I try and avoid her (more) around the 2WW.

I was wearing a pendant from my in-laws during an entire cycle once.  The pendant is a Greek Evil Eye and was supposed to protect me from harm, yada yada.  I wore it on my CD3 and received good news, so I continued to wear it until my pregnancy test.  It didn’t help.

I’m superstitious outside of trying to grow a baby, too.  I am a huge lacrosse fan and if I’m at a game and my team wins, I will wear the exact same things to the next game.  Seriously – the same, bra, undies, pants, tops.  I even do my hair the exact same and paint my nails the same color.  It’s obsessive, almost.  I might wear the same clothing – but they’re washed.  I have limits.

Anyway, I started to think:  how superstitious am I?  What would I be willing to try and what do I think is completely off the wall?  So I made a list.

1.  Growing parsley will cause you to “fall pregnant”.

Well… uh, I tried growing parsley this spring and it died*.  In fact, all of the herbs I ever try to grow die.  There is a variation to the superstition – apparently if someone gives you a parsley plant, it will have the pregnancy effect.  Not sure if it would work to ask someone to give me the plant…  But I’d try it!

2.  Drink from the glass of a pregnant woman and you’ll get pregnant.

No.  Who would do this?  Even if you’re willing to go there, what do you think the pregnant woman would say?  How awkward would that conversation go?  And if she’d been TTC for a while and knows what you’re going through, I’m sure she’d help you find another old wives tales to try out.

3.  Eat pineapples/drink pineapple juice every day from when you ovulate until you test (this will help implantation).

Ehhh.  I’m lukewarm on this.  I really like pineapples, but I’m just not sure I believe it this.  I might give it a go, but I don’t know that I’d do it for a solid two weeks.  Pineapple juice is really good with Malibu rum, FYI.

4.  Yellow booties under your pillow.

When?  During conception-attempt sex?  Or all the time?  Either way, I might give it a shot.  I love looking at baby stuff and booties just might be my favorite.

5.  Pillow under the hips after sex/legs in the air for _____ amount of time after sex.

I’ve done this almost every time.  I give up on that now.  I even had my own step-momma tell me to do this, which was awkward at best.

6.  Brass wind chimes at your front door will help increase your chi.

I find wind chimes to be kind of annoying.  And kind of tacky.  I probably wouldn’t do this… unless someone bought a wind chime for Cody and I.

7.  Indoor bamboo plants will also increase your chi.  Apparently you need good chi in order to get pregnant.

I have 5 indoor bamboo plants.  No dice.

8.  Find out what the moon was when you were born.  If it’s the same on a day you’re ovulating, you’ll get pregnant.

Interesting.  Creative.  I’ll try it!  Note:  I just went to this website and ended up with a picture like this.  I don’t know what it means, so I don’t know if I’ll ever know what the moon was when I was born….

what the heck...?
what the heck…?

Update:  I found the “right chart”.  It is still German to me… I don’t know what any of this means.

Oh, this is clarification...?
Oh, this is clarification…?

9.  Chugging cough syrup will help you conceive.

No.  Just… no.  Even if there was proof any ingredient in cough syrup boosts fertility/thins cervical mucous, etc., I couldn’t do this.  I gag on cough syrup.

10.  Adopt and you’ll get pregnant.

I’ve heard this AT MY RE’s OFFICE.  FROM THE RECEPTIONIST!  It goes right along with those who think you just need to relax and you’ll get knocked up.

11.  Don’t sweep under the bed.

Check.  My floor is carpeted anyway.

12.  Swallowing a watermelon seed will get you pregnant.

…How?

13.  (My personal favorite):  Make an appointment with a doctor to see why you’re not pregnant.  Once there, you’ll find out you are pregnant.

I call BULL SHIT.

 

All in all, they’re funny and harmless.  Except maybe that cough syrup one.

Do you have rituals/superstitions/old wives tales that you listen to/follow when trying to make a mini-you?

 

beanie

*I think I might have been mistaken.  I think I was trying to grow basil and it died.  Herbs do not like me.