Clarity

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time; accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him forever in the next.

Amen.”

 

I’m not going to get all churchy or preachy on you guys today.  I only want to really focus on the first paragraph of the Serenity Prayer – especially since I didn’t even know that there was a second verse until today.

First off – all of these years I’ve repeated the first 3 lines of this prayer to myself, I was screwing it up.  I’ve always said “God, grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change”.  I don’t know why – I thought that it was “strength” and not “serenity”, for some reason and yet I still knew it was called the Serenity Prayer.  I guess I never really thought about it.  Anyway, all of these years asking for strength instead of serenity.  No wonder I’m a bag of nerves all of the time but manage to make it through month after month of treatments.  No wonder I don’t kill my husband when he’s mean to me (more on that later).  No wonder I keep on going even when I’m sure I can’t.  My God has been giving me the strength I’ve asked for.

 

We’re on our 6th month of trying Femara and Timed Intercourse.  It’s been a rough road, as you know.  And as I sat crying after each negative test, I’d vent to Cody with something like this:

“God doesn’t care about me.  He can see my crying.  He hears me praying for this one thing.  I never selfishly as for anything but he still doesn’t carry me along the beach, does he?  When is he going to see that I can’t handle this anymore?  He has to know how much I need this and he just doesn’t fucking care.  As far as I’m concerned, God is an asshole.”

Two things:  1.  Everytime I said something like this, I instantly regretted it and apologized to God.  Not because I thought that he’d make sure that I’d have at least another negative result, but because I really felt bad about saying it.  I just don’t think it’s nice to call anyone I love an “asshole”.  2.  Each time I vented like this to Cody, I didn’t take in to consideration that I might be offending him with my offensive comments.  I just wanted to say what I felt and basically didn’t stop and realize how this effected my husbands faith.

I found out last night.

We were sitting in Boston Pizza last night waiting for our food.  I absent mindedly touched the white gold cross I’ve been wearing since starting this cycle and mentioned to Cody how it’s been keeping me a little more grounded.  I told him that when I touch the cross, it reminds me to talk to God every once in a while and that I liked it.  He in turn responded with:

“Oh, ok – so we’re not going to blame God for sabotaging us this month then?”

Livid.  Hurt.  Disgusted.

Our waitress brought us our food just as he said that and I made the quick decision not to walk out on my husband, drive home and leave him to fend for himself.  I also made the decision not to yell at him.  I opted to eat in silence.  

Cody knew what he said was mean.  I managed to quietly explain why it was wrong for him to give a low blow like that.  My main reason being that he has no idea what type of relationship I have with God and doesn’t know how I repent for the things I say in anger.  There was a lot of other stuff there too – mostly things like it’s not fair for my husband to judge me and act like he’s above me.

Eventually I didn’t hate Cody anymore.  We went home, I was still a little pissed off, but able to work with him on moving on.  12 hours later, and I am able to see that I’m not the only one who gets hurt by my partners words.  Cody listened to me bad mouth God month after month. He didn’t know if I was silently taking back my nasty comments or begging for forgiveness while I laid in bed.  My faith was being tested each month – but so was Cody’s.  In my deluded, self righteous mind, I forgot that Cody is part of this too and while I was quick to lash out at everyone, he was sitting there comforting me and trying to keep his faith in tact. What a help I’ve been.

I’m such a jerk.  Leave it to me to be in the middle of tearing Cody a new one when I see my own downfalls as a wife.  I do, however, think that this is one of those things I’ll need the strength AND serenity to change.  Because I do have the wisdom to know that this is something I can (and should) change.

 

 

beanie