Food runs my life.
I have at least one fight a day with Charlotte over eating. She just will not eat dinner! Ever!! No matter what I do, unless it’s chicken nuggets or grilled cheese, she refuses dinner. Every night. Tonight, Cody made delicious hamburgers and corn on the cob. Charlotte ate a cheese slice. No, not even “real” cheese. An actual processed cheese slice. Then threw a fit until we finally just released her to go and do what she wanted while the three of us ate. It’s ridiculous. I vow to turn it around… I have my books, my websites, and my recipes. I will find a way to win this fight, so help me God!
My father in law is now doing chemo. He’s had a set back, there seems to be an issue with his bowel now. They are optimistic that it won’t become serious and he should be able to come home soon. As with many chemo patients, food is unappealing at the moment and that will only contribute to his digestive issues… so what can Beanie do to help? Food. I bought a ridiculously expensive book with freezer meal recipes (along with my own favorite dishes that are good for the freezer!) and I am going to cook, cook, cook. I will feed my family to keep them healthy and strong. When my mother in law is too tired to cook, or my sister in laws are just too distracted to make meals, I want them to be able to reach for something homemade. It makes me feel helpful. It makes me feel useful. I love to cook and I love my family – as crazy as they make me – so, I hope these meals will feed their bellies and their souls.
I am a binge eater. There is no doubting that. I have a terrible relationship with food. Maybe one day I will get into it, but not tonight. Anyway, I am always talking about how I need to be better, do better, eat better. Better better better. And then we started talking about having another child. So, I started to “track ovulation” which is pretty much like trying to find a leprechaun catching a ride on a unicorn. No period, bad period, random bleeding. Off to the doctor I went and she decided to send me to an endocrinologist to look at my blood work. Well, dear old diabetes is yet again totally out of control. Like, super out of control. We decided to switch over to insulin again, but a month later and things are still nuts. I have an A1C that is literally double what it should be and a fasting sugar that is double and a bit. No matter what I do! At my appointment yesterday, my doc suggested that it was possible I am not Type 2 diabetic, that it is possible I am Type 1 diabetic and was misdiagnosed. After reading about LADA, it makes a lot of sense. And it fits me and my situation. I was 24 when I was diagnosed and about 40 pounds heavier than I am now. And since that time (10 friggen years!), I’ve gone from Metformin to adding in Diamicron, Invokana, Glumetza; tried Humalog, Humulin, and Lantus. I am now currently taking NovoRapid and Levemir, which are bringing the numbers down… but I am also taking over 100 units of insulin a day!! I go back to the doctor in 2 weeks and will be tested for Type 1 and hopefully we will be on a maintenance plan instead of more adjustments.
All of that said, I carb counted today and my numbers were good-ish. However… I feel so hungry. And its possible that it’s my mind just tricking me; it’s possible that I am adjusting; it’s possible that I’m actually hungry. And most people would say to just have a snack, but WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN. Everything is different! I would have an apple with some peanut butter, but my sugars will be fucked. My body is so super sensitive to eating anything. No, I don’t always eat the best… but I am not the worst, either!
That was a jumbled mess. Like my brain these days. Stay tuned for something more coherent next time!
ps – I am eating the apple.
I am sitting here and trying to figure out what the heck to write. I mean, SO MUCH has happened, and I don’t really know where I left off… I’m also really friggen tired and Char is banging in her bed, so I’m a little all over the place and distracted.
Ok…. so, Penelope. She is about 35 pounds and super tall. She’s 99% for weight, high 80s for height and head. We are still waiting on her 2 year molars. Her nickname is “P”, and she likes to call herself Super P. It’s adorable. P is a very happy girl, as she has been since the day she was born. She can speak very well, using full sentences. She is usually pretty clear, but every once in a while I have to guess what she’s saying. Penelope is still a mama’s girl, rarely picking Cody over me.
Charlotte AKA CharChar. This little one is about 30 pounds and catching up in height to P. She has all of her teeth, in fact she did at about 18 months. That kid is a teeth growing machine! Miss Charlotte is also a mama’s girl now. She will go to Cody much more willingly than P, but still prefers me. Char is very shy around people and will cling for dear life until she warms up. Bring out a puppy, though, and she’s all yours. Charlotte is part monkey, I swear to God. She climbs everything, jumps off shit, freefalls, goes down 6ft tall slides. Nothing scares this child! Her speech is coming along, but there is still a lot of incoherent babble. The words are there, because if you get her to calm down, she will clearly say what she wants/will repeat you perfectly. Our major issue is that P will talk for both of them, and Char is content with that. I’m not worried, cause I know it will come when she is ready.
The girls, as a unit, are awesome. However, truth be told, I am not a fan of toddlers. The attitude is ridiculous. And when you have two two year olds, it can get old fast. P and Char are also far from being besties. The amount of fighting over toys or me is insane! I try and try and try to get them the understand sharing, but jesus, they are two year olds who really just don’t get it and are impatient little creatures. That’s just toddlers being toddlers. As frustrated as I can get though, I really want time to slow down. Just today I noticed how independent they are and how quickly it’s going and it really made me sad.
As for moi, I’m alright. Tired, my back is always sore (I have an issue with my sacroiliac joint), I might have a STONE in my parotid gland which is in your FACE. I should find out more tomorrow and what the heck happens next. I am still taking cipralex for my anxiety and depression, which is going ok. My insomnia got way worse, which was making my anxiety worse, so my doctor prescribed me medical marijuana. Still testing that out, but it seems to help some stuff (sleep, libido, mood), but its hard to get used to. Even though its legitimately being used to help me, I still cant help feeling a bit weird about it.
Cody and I are doing way better. I finally feel happy with him again. We will be celebrating seven years being married in October!
Another great thing is that I finally have my Mama Tribe. I’ll write about that in full detail another day.
Ok, time to clean… or something. Clearly the work never ends, so I best go and find it.
Does my husband know me???????
I just don’t understand him somedays.
For the last 2 days, even though I am medicated with Cipralex and “other” “meds”, I have had a lot of anxiety and my depression is popping up again. That is just what happens. Even though you take meds, you’re still human and you still have feelings, and you still have bad days, and you still cry. It’s called LIFE.
When my “friend” announced her pregnancy with twins, I flat out told Cody that I was not happy for her. It’s the truth. I am NOT happy for her. Call me a bitch, call me whatever. I don’t care. I really am not happy for her.
And since we’ve had the girls, pregnancy after pregnancy have been announced. I try to say “good for them” or “congrats” or SOMETHING, but really… I don’t usually give a fuck. I don’t want to think about people and their easy pregnancies or whatever. Good for them, but leave me out of it.
The last 2 days have been rough. A lot of things are getting to me, I had a crying episode yesterday, blah blah blah. So why Cody just came home and announced with great joy that his friend and bitchy wife are expecting their first kid, I have no goddamn clue.
… and I lost it.
“You know what, Cody, I don’t care. I don’t care about Mike and Henry and Chad and all of their wives having children. I DON’T CARE!! Don’t tell me about it anymore! I don’t want to hear about pregnancy any more!! I AM NOT HAPPY FOR THESE PEOPLE! That might make me a bitch, whatever! I don’t want to know!!”
I don’t understand how after 10 years, 2 solid years of fertility treatment, a miscarriage, chemical pregnancies, and finally 2 babies – this man does not get that this stuff still gets to me. HOW?!
I know it might seem dramatic. Maybe it is! But I feel how I feel and I can’t help it! I don’t know how else to get it across to him…
Fuck you, infertility. Leave me alone!!
Bring me back like 5 years ago and I’d be either out doing something super fun or I’d be anxiously awaiting tomorrow. Cause February 6th happens to be my birthday.
For the last few years I just haven’t been feeling it. I mean, frig, I’m turning 33 tomorrow, so my birthday doesnt have the same magical feel to it as it would when I was a kid. Or even 20, 25. But I used to love to plan it, see my friends, eat and be happy.
I’ve been grumpy For the last 2 days. There’s a multitude of reasons: supposed to get my period, no period, BFN, was ridiculously sick, have a disgusting cold sore, fought with Cody, girls are crabby, my brother is irritating me, I’m tired, I’m hungry. I blame hormones and men.
Cold sores are gross. Lets be real. If you’ve never had one, good for you but here’s something you might not have thought about: you just might be a carrier cause apparently 70% of the population is infected with HSV-1. If you have had a cold sore, I’m gonna bet it’s been on your lip and you get self conscious about it. People probably tell you it’s no big deal, but turn your back and bet money they are looking for hand santizer. And they should, it’s super easy to pass. BUT, you’re still mortified. If you haven’t had the sore on your lip, then you’re a member of the same category as me and get them somewhere awkward. I get them on my nose. When you see someone with a cold sore on their lip, you know what it is and you all just move along with your life. When you see someone like me with a big ass THING on their face, you accidentally-on-purpose stare.
So, now that I have kids I’m wicked paranoid. I read up on the cold sore thing and apparently, cause I’m so brilliant, the virus is spread through saliva REGARDLESS of where the sore is. I did not know this. Now that I do, I am not kissing my children. Two things: 1) it’s super hard cause they are the most adorable things to hit this planet and 2) I’m scared that they have already contracted it. I’m being dilligent and hygenic, but fuuuuuuuck. It doesn’t help that most who are going to get this usually get it by age 3, and again – 70% of the population carries this. My kids could go to playgroup and BAM – cold sore breeding heaven.
Anyway, as you can see, I’m obsessing and it sucks. I dont like fake kissing my sad baby on the top of her head. I don’t like not being able to be carefree with them. Its for the greater good, but it’s impacting my mood.
And tomorrow Cody planned something for my birthday, I think a massage, and it’s just… Ugh. I hate going out with this THING on my face.
We are going to Niagara on Friday, and I am trying to think about that. About getting away, eating, sleeping, having alone time. And then I remember that I could still be dealing with my current appearance hinderance. Or that my period will likely pop up just in time for a road trip.
That’s another thing! My period. I’ve been testing for pregnancy cause well, I’m late. But am I? Well, according to my ovulation app, I am. But who the hell knows. Effing PCOS. and I’m so tired of that sad, stupid, lonely, pink line. I want another baby. And I suddenly find myself back in TTC hell, BFN torture, 2WW bullshit. I HATE THIS.
My cat keeps pissing on the floor, we have a new bunny and she bites, my husband doesn’t clean anything in my home, I sleep alone more than 50% of the week, and did I mention: I have a cold sore.
Happy friggen birthday to me.
PS: I will update something more positive tomorrow. I hope. And hopefully reply to all of your very lovely and wonderful comments on my last couple of posts ❤❤
Ok, so I mentioned having an emotional affair in my last post. And I think I should explain the whole story. I love all of my readers and before you all hit “unfollow” cause you think I’m horrible, I need to tell the story.
Let’s make one thing clear, right off the bat. I think what I did was wrong. Lets make another thing clear: I never met Mike, never intended to meet Mike. So while we never had a physical affair, it was an affair all the same. People have different definitions of cheating. My husband and I have very different definitions. He didn’t consider my relationship with Mike cheating, but I would leave him if he did what I did with another person. I guess I’m lucky he sees things differently.
One night my husband said something along the lines that he would feel tortured trying to make conversation with me. I was incredibly hurt and felt so lonely. We had been struggling to connect for months and months. To be told that the effort would be similar to torture, well… What was I supposed to think? I was giving my all for Cody and he just didn’t care. This wasn’t the relationship we had, and definitely was not what I wanted. As fate would have it, in was on Facebook and saw an ad for a chat app. I downloaded it, kept my picture private, and made it clear that I was married and not looking to change my status. Long story short, I started talking to Mike. Also married, also has a child, also not looking to meet or mess up anyone’s life. We clicked and got along very well. Suddenly I didn’t care I was home alone at night. Suddenly I had someone giving me attention and wanting to talk to me. Suddenly I was happy again. Cody would ignore me or say something rude and I didn’t care. I’d vent to Mike, who understood my situation, and I moved along, looking forward to my husband leaving so I could text Mike.
That’s when I knew it was trouble. It was one thing to just have an app. It was completely different that I was sneaking away to see if Mike had messaged me on the app and feeling genuiley disappointed if he hadn’t. So I told Cody about the app, deleted it, and moved on. No one was mad, we just let it go.
Until another night, another fight, another insult. I had enough, re-downloaded the app. Wouldn’t you know it, Mike messages me within a day. I told him about my confession and that I decided to come back since Cody knew how I was feeling and not making an effort to make me feel wanted and loved and cherished. Mike said that he kept searching for me on the app, and wasn’t going to give up. See, it’s something so small like that which made me feel so good. Cody just didn’t do that.
So, days turned into weeks which turned into months. We knew each other’s schedules. We went from chatting on an app to texting each other. We exchanged photos and our kids photos. We just evolved. I genuinely cared for Mike. I found reasons to sneak away from my husband. I preferred when Cody was at work versus at home. I put passwords on my phone. Mike and I started talking about meeting (he lives an hour away). It was intensifying and I loved it.
I confessed to my therapist about Mike. She thought I should end it. It upset me a lot, actually. I told her I knew it was wrong, but Mike was the only person making me happy and it pissed me off that I should give that up.
I went to Ottawa to see my best friend. I told her about Mike and she actually understood. She said that she thought it was fine, as long as we didnt meet up and do anything. At that moment in time, I couldn’t promise it.
I came home and nothing changed. I didn’t expect it to. But one horrible night, Cody and I got into it. It was BAD. Realy bad. To the point where I yelled at him while he walked down the street (oh. Hey, neighbors). My kids saw us yelling and it makes me sick. Charlotte cried and I couldn’t calm her down, so Cody came back. While helping me get the kids settled, I just blurted it out.
“If this doesn’t show you how much help we need, nothing will. I’m having an emotional affair.”
We got the kids to sleep And then we talked. I cried and cried more. But since that night, Cody hasn’t mentioned anything. He’s said he forgives me, that he could even understand why I was looking for a companion. He’s agreed we need marriage counselling, and has asked me to end things with Mike. Cody has also been working to be a better partner, and those efforts are amazing.
Since my medications have kicked in, and I’ve been seeing my therapist, i feel better. Cody is making efforts (except following through on the counsellibg), and so am I. I’m taking time to myself, and really trying to work on my marriage. Neither of us are perfect, by any means. But I have hope. And that’s something I thought I’d lost.
I never officially ended anything with Mike. Occassionally, I get a text, but it’s not anything like it was. And that’s ok, cause I don’t want what we had. He’s a great guy, and I wish him well. I know he feels the same. In our entire relationship, we were always encouraging each other to speak to our partners and work on things for the kids, at the very least.
Things happen for a reason. Mike came into my life when I was at my lowest low. He built me up, reminded me I am beautiful and have worth. Gave me the confidence in myself so that I could have the confidence to make my relationship what it was, what it could be again. And it was wrong to look for this outside of my marriage, but what’s done is done and I’m somehow even better because of it.
I’m still around… I’m still reading… I’m just not writing. I’ve felt the urge to write, but then never really knew what to say. Or when I did have something I wanted to write about, I was too tired or too lazy or something. A big one was that I hate making posts while on my phone and I honestly don’t know where my laptop is right now.
Here’s a quick list of the updates I’ve been meaning to make.
- In September I felt the need to have some adult interaction. I never got out, my husband wasn’t paying attention to me, regardless of how many times I asked him to or brought the issue up. So I downloaded a chat app and started talking with people close-ish to me. One person in particular, whom I started to get attached to, so I deleted the app and told my husband. It was around then that i started to really pay attention to the fact that I needed to deal with my anxiety and depression.
- We went up north in October to visit my family. The hotel stay sucked, but It was nice to see my parents. I also FINALLY got to say goodbye to my very loved, very missed aunt. After 3 years.
- I downloaded the chat app again and, as fate would have it, started talking to Mike, the guy I was trying to avoid. My husband made it clear one night that he didn’t want to put effort into us and our communication, so I said fuck it. There was someone who wanted to talk to me, why was I going to sit and be miserable just because my husband wanted to treat me like shit?
- Saw the doctor, got some meds, started therapy. Stopped having sex (or at least orgasms), but was otherwise feeling better. Moods improved, figured out the best time to take my medication, saw therapist every 2 weeks. Still talking to Mike, and it is bordering on no longer being platonic.
- Visited my best friend for 3 days, and boy did I need it.
- Christmas was good.
- Miscarriage Day came and so did my period. Nice.
- HUGE FIGHT with hubs. I tell him I’m having an emotional affair. Fuck.
- My meds finally seem to be in full effect. I decide to make some changes to make me happy. I now have Tuesdays mostly to myself. I have a sculpture course in the morning and therapy in the afternoon. It’s wonderful and definitely something I look forward to each week. Also, I say I’m gonna start going to the gym again, but haven’t yet.
- Omg, finally able to enjoy sex to the fullest after 3 months. THANK GOD.
- Still talking to Mike, but it’s not like it was, and that’s fine. I want it to end.
And that’s that.
I have decided that this is the year of improvement. Home renos, relationship building, and self improvement.
My birthday is approaching and Cody and in are going to Niagara falls for two days. AND WE ARE LEAVING THE BABIES AT HOME WITH THEIR GRANDPARENTS. This is huge! I am so looking forward to reconnecting with Cody.
And an update about the girls:
18 months old and perfect!
Banana: 2ft 9in, 32lbs.
Apple: 2ft 7in, 24lbs.
Both are amazing. They don’t talk much, so we are seeing a speech development therapist. They love us and each other. They have a new bunny pet and love her. Their sleep…. Ugh. Naps are a fight. Bedtime is finally getting better again. And they sleep through the night more often than not. But man, it was HORRIBLE for like 2 months. It prevented us from moving them into the same room again. We are hoping to get them into the same room soon.
I guess that’s about it for me. Please, no judgy comments. I won’t, and don’t have to, tolerate it. Safe spaces and all that.
Quick and dirty update on how the meds are going…
Negative Side Effects:
- Major headaches, sometimes develops into a migraine. Happens a few hours after taking the medications, and disappears by mid morning. Tylenol has worked fine.
- Nausea. Gross, strong, terrible nausea. This lasts all day. I took gravol for it, but gravol makes me sleepy and therefore useless during the day. So, for now, I’m just dealing with it.
- Hot flashes. This is wicked bad. I say outside in 13 degree Celsius (55 F) weather in a t-shirt and sandals, and was STILL sweating!
- Fatigue, but it’s not too bad. Kicks in about a hours after my pill, which I take at 8pm, so it had actually helped me sleep! Thank God!
- Dizziness, but This was a one off. I hope.
- I have more patience. Like, infinetly more patience!
- I haven’t had as much anxiety… Ex, I went to a play group with just Apple and didn’t feel like barfing 80 times before walking in
There was a moment or two when I questioned if this was the right choice. Honestly, I wanted to stop taking the meds… But, I was clear minded enough to acknowledge that the side effects are (hopefully) temporary and the benefits long lasting. Cody has also noticed I’m dealing with life much better, and agrees that this is a good thing.
Oh, and this medication helps me with my binge eating tendencies, which is amazing. I love being able to decline snacks/eat a healthy portion of something and feel fine. And because of the nausea, I’m eating smaller meals more frequently. I hope that continues!
I’m working on replying to comments, but thank you all for the support. Seriously, you guys are just the best.