Her Version vs My (Correct) Version

CAITLYN SAYS:  She didn’t have a say as to what house we rented for our weekend in Niagara.

TRUTH:  As a group, it was decided an AirBnB would make more sense than a hotel.  I then researched dozens of options.  I took her suggested home and 3 of the ones that I thought would be good candidates and created a Facebook voting poll for our group message thread.  The others ladies, myself, AND Caitlyn unanimously voted for the house we all liked the best based on price, number of beds, and location.

 

CAITLYN SAYS:  Any time she suggested an activity, she was brushed aside and no one listened to her.

TRUTH:  Caitlyn thought it would be fun to go to a water park and rent a cabana.  I called the location and got prices and posted the information in our message thread.  Caitlyn mentioned a tribute band playing the night we arrived.  In the message thread, I agreed to the concert while a couple of ladies said that they wouldn’t be there in time, but to go ahead.

 

CAITLYN SAYS:  I changed plans multiple times.  I wanted to go to the haunted house, so we did.  I changed dinner plans in order to have my piercing done.  Again, she didn’t have a say in anything, I just got my way.

TRUTH:  We went downtown as a group when that was not necessary.  I wanted to go to the haunted house and said that A) not everyone had to come and B) I was also willing to cancel that idea.  Caitlyn did not even go to the haunted house.  But she did want to go down to the falls, so we did.

I decided to have my nipple pierced, which was something I had been talking about during the whole planning process of this trip.  I left to go and have this done at 4PM.  I was back by 5PM after going to the grocery store to get soda – for Caitlyn.  I went to have a little nap (as did she!) and when I came out, she was still gone and had told everyone that she didn’t want to go to dinner.

 

CAITLYN SAYS:  She was the one to find the other half of our group while all I did was complain.  She then navigated us through the casino to a restaurant and then out and to the nightclub.

TRUTH:  She found the other half of the group because she is a control freak who was uninterested in waiting for instructions as to where they were.  I waited until we knew where we were going.  And yes, my killer sexy heels were killing my feet as we walked all the way across the planet in the freezing cold at maximum speed.  I don’t know about the casino thing, but ok.  As for the restaurant – SHE DIDN’T WANT DINNER!!  And I specifically said I was not hungry.  So fuck off – she wanted to eat.  We went to the club as a group and I don’t know who was leading.  I was probably whining and complaining the whole way there.  I know I was mad as we passed the club I wanted to go to the in first place.

 

CAITLYN SAYS:  For the first hour at the club, she was the only one dancing.  She was there “for hours” and was assaulted twice before deciding to go home.  She then noticed that this club was close to the AirBnB she had suggested and was mad cause she could have walked back alone instead of needing an uber.

TRUTH:  She was miserable and we all knew it.  The thing is this:  I told her she didn’t have to come because I knew it wasn’t her thing and I was ok with that.  I personally wanted to dance and had said this to the group weeks before we even went on this weekend trip.  Regarding the assaults… that really has nothing to do with me.  First of all, I didn’t even know it had happened.  Secondly, I didn’t want to go to this club.  The club that someone told us that the American guys are particularly aggressive at, but everyone insisted would be fine.  More to that next.  And the AirBnB – well we went over that already.

 

CAITLYN SAYS:  She needed to go and buy clothes she didn’t want or need so that we could go out to the club I was forcing us all to go to.

TRUTH:  Part One:  1.  Months in advance, I inform everyone that I want to go dancing, but if it’s not your thing, no worries, I can go alone.  This is the only thing that I really wanted to do over the weekend, so I was going to go, with or without people.  2.  I put our names on the guest list at Club A.  I tell the group.  3.  The morning we are leaving, I show everyone in the FB thread the dress I am bringing to go out clubbing to.  We drove up together and the entire time we are talking about dancing and getting dressed up.  4.  Saturday morning, I tell everyone that the club sent the dress code.  Caitlyn says that she doesn’t have anything to wear to the club.  She says that she will go to value village and buy something.  5.  She got dressed with everyone, she even let everyone do her hair and makeup.

Part Two:  I picked Club A because no one else cared where we went – until Saturday afternoon, AFTER I went to have my piercing.  I came out of the bathroom and everyone was talking about instead going to Club B because there was no cover charge… even though we were informed the crowd of guys were known for being pushy.  Not my choice, but what the group decided.

 

CAITLYN SAYS:  She messaged the group about going to another club/bar that had food and maybe dancing.  Or we could just all go home.  The 3 of them went home and apparently one of them received a message that the 3 of us were also coming home.  She then ordered pizza and went to the balcony.

TRUTH:  I informed everyone before we left to go to the casino/club that my phone was almost dead.  Stupid, I know, but I forgot to charge it.  Anyway, I did not get that message.  One of the girls I was with didn’t even look at her phone, and the last one just said we should go home.  I agreed because… why the fuck would we leave one club to go to another?

 

CAITLYN SAYS:  I called her and the other two “bitches”.

TRUTH:  Yes.  I said “We came home and these bitches aren’t even here.”  All the lights were off, it was quiet, and I had just been told that they found a different bar.  I was annoyed and very, very drunk.

 

CAITLYN SAYS:  She was pissed but kept a smile on her face the whole time.

TRUTH:  She didn’t talk to anyone, she stayed on her phone, she declined to play the group card game to instead sit alone, she then went to bed without much more than a “Goodnight”.  We knew she was pissed off.

 

CAITLYN SAYS:  We ditched her and abandoned her with no food on Sunday morning.

TRUTH:  This part bugs me so much.  I got up in the morning, still a bit tipsy.  We needed to check out at 11AM.  I started packing my crap when it was mentioned that I could drive back in Car B with my bestie and Allie so that we could get me home a little faster and they could see my daughters before they went for a nap (my BEST friend wanted to see her “nieces” because she’d gotten them gifts and hadn’t seen the girls in a year).  There was also freezing rain in Ottawa, where my bestie and A live, so they wanted to get on the road.  I mentioned this to the other two ladies who drove up with Caitlyn and I, and they didn’t see a problem.  Sara was bunking with Caitlyn and she was going to wake her up, but felt bad.  We all then started bringing our bags and shit downstairs, I got in the car and left.  As for the food – 1.  I bought all of that fucking food.  2.  I know I left the bananas, cause Sara wanted them.  3. SHE’S A FUCKING ADULT.

 

CAITLYN SAYS:  We should have woken her up.

TRUTH:  Maybe.  But since she is my neighbour, pretty much (yep, awkward), I didn’t think we needed to have some long, drawn out goodbye.  And since she doesn’t know my bestie and A overly well, we didn’t think she would care either way.  The other two ladies didn’t think it was a problem to just leave, and neither did we.  5 out of 6 people said it was alright to go home, we really didn’t think that we were doing anything wrong.  She then made a comment about the cleaner being the one to wake her up, but… there were two other people there!  Why would waking her up be my job??

 

CAITLYN SAYS:  I didn’t have the balls to call her on Sunday after she texted me to say she was pissed.

TRUTH:  SHE TEXTED ME FIRST.  I then apologized 3 times and she replied with “Thanks”.  I tried to speak with her many times and was shut out.  It was 3 weeks later when I AGAIN reached out to her to see if she wanted to meet.  I text because no one calls anyone anymore, she wouldn’t have answered anyway, and I am busy and don’t want to call her.  If she can give me the silent treatment then she can deal with me texting instead of calling.

 

 

OK, now that I got that out, I feel a bit better.

Honestly, she twisted every little thing to make it my fault.  My husband says that she was just mad and I was her punching bag, she was “projecting”.  And maybe that is the case, but it’s so totally uncalled for.  I am no one’s punching bag – NO ONE.

I have therapy tomorrow… and I’m fairly certain this will be the thing we chat about for the whole hour.  I’m writing to try and get it all off of my heart and out of my brain.  I have been talking to Cody about it, but I don’t want to burden him either.  He and Caitlyn’s husband are good friends.  So, I’ll talk with my therapist tomorrow and then maybe put most of this to bed.

Hopefully.

 

beanie

 

ps – to clarify the assaults:  A female had “hit on” Caitlyn and felt her up; someone elbowed her in the ribs.

I take sexual assault and violence against women very seriously.  Had Caitlyn told me what happened, of course I would have been there to assist, report, whatever needed to happen.  But she did not tell me.

And I hate to say it, but… in a packed club, people get elbowed.  Generally it’s accidental.  Not always, but sometimes.  Once again, had I known, I would have done what I could to help!

Just Call Me Loki

Actually, it’s what I’m now naming my reproductive system.  Loki – like the trickster God from Norse mythology.

I knew it was kind of a long shot, but I thought I might be pregnant.  First, it was mostly because I’d read so much about women being “more fertile” after a miscarriage.  Second, my RE seemed to think I might be returning to the clinic pregnant (“We’re never surprised when someone goes on a break from treatment and winds up pregnant!”, to quote Dr. R.).  Third, cause my body told me I was.

Stupid body.

I remember exactly what I felt like during my (short) pregnancy.  My tummy was bloated and full all the time, with a hint of queasiness.  My sense of smell was insane.  My boobs almost killed me.  Anyway, for a few days now, I’ve had the same feeling in my tummy.  I was feeling the exact same as I did a week before I found out I was pregnant.  So when I peed on the HPT, I knew it was going to be positive (even though I told myself out loud that it wasn’t likely).

Welp.  I was wrong.  And boy was I mad about it!  In fact, Cody and I fought for TWO DAYS cause I was so pissed off about it.  Mature – I know.

I’ve since tested twice more because I still feel pregnant.  And I’ve still only gotten negative results.  I’m baffled.  And so mad at my body… how could she mimic pregnancy symptoms so well?  And why?  I feel betrayed.  What a nasty trick to pull.  

Now I wait.  And once I get the dreaded visit from my aunt, I’m off to the clinic… again.  I was thinking about it today and though I’m not excited about the number of visits, the transvaginal ultrsound, or the money we fork out to them, I AM happy that my periods will be normal again (thank you, again, PCOS you f-er).  I’ll know exactly when they should be arriving and how long they’ll last.  I only wish it would come without pain… Who thought I’d ever be happy about fertility medications?

In other “news”, we had friends over the other day.  The same ones who went to Vegas.  During dinner, Seth looked at Christine and said “Is now a good time?” and she nodded.  He looked at us and said “Christine’s eating for two.”.  Instantly, I plastered a (fake) smile on my face and exclaimed “Oh my God!”.  Cody reached under the table and squeezed my leg – but couldn’t manage to say anything to the happy couple.  After finding out how far along Christine is (9 weeks… yup, she conceived right when I miscarried.  Awesome.  The world is right once again.), Seth said to us “So, if you’re free to babysit anytime next year…” and I did it.  I blurted out that we miscarried!  I’m a tool.  I feel so f-ing terrible that I probably made them feel bad!  Cody says it was fine, but I still feel awful.

In more other “news”, Toby is going to the vet for the first time tomorrow!  I adore this little kitten.  He snuggles and purrs and always wants to nap on my chest or on my shoulder in my neck.  He sleeps through most of the night.  He smells so good.  He makes my heart smile – ugh… how corny.

Hope everyone is doing well!

 

Smiling through a headache,

beanie

Stop – Drop – And Stop Being Such an Ass

As you all know – or will when I’m finished this sentence – I work from home.  It sucks.  The pay is crap.  I’m really just waiting to find an outside job in my new city.  Er… town.  There’s a multitude of reasons why I chose to work from home.  There’s even more as to why I no longer want to work from home.  One being that I’m becoming a hermit.  Another is that my skin is getting even more pale…. and I didn’t think that was possible.

Ok.  So my job from home.  It’s a “call center” job.  Since I’m at home, there are no supervisors to talk to, so the wonderful minds that make up the virtual call center world decided that to rectify this issue, they’d create a chat room for all of us home agents.  If we ever have questions, we type them in the room and get a response from a supervisor.  We also get to socialize with each other in the chat room while we work, so it’s beneficial that way too I guess.

There really is a point to all of this rambling.

Today, one of my fellow shut-ins agents typed in chat:

“brb – I’m feeling really nachious” (supposed to read “nauseous”)

After some enquiring minds chatted with her, she revealed that she’s pregnant.  I was a little put back.  I didn’t expect to see that scroll by on chat.  But I continued taking calls.  Being the self-hating woman that I apparently am, I couldn’t resist going back to chat and reading the further exchanges taking place.  This woman starting talking about how she didn’t even plan for this to happen.  She has been crying so much because she doesn’t know what to do and she just didn’t plan for any of this.  She is pukey and tired all of the time.  She took 5 tests all they were all positive.  And oh yeah – she didn’t plan for this to happen (seriously, this went by at least 3 times in the chat before I opted to close the application and deal with no supervisor help.)

I resisted the urge to tell her to fuck off.  I couldn’t stand reading her repeatedly saying how this is such a shock and so unexpected.

I hate how infertility screws with my emotions.  I don’t know this woman and whether she is pregnant or not should mean nothing to me.  And still, I sat there wanting to cry because she just so clearly had no idea of how lucky she really is… or how completely “unlucky” I am.

The other thing that infertility has done to me is cause me to notice anything pregnancy-related anywhere. Seriously, when I watch TV at night with my husband, something concerning pregnancy comes along at some point. I was watching Intervention alone this afternoon (note to self and anyone reading this: do not watch Intervention when you’re taking a ridiculous amount of hormones. The show is sad enough already – fertility treatments do not help). Wouldn’t you know it – the sister of the Intervention-ee (???) was pregnant. With her second unplanned child. Honestly, it’s getting to be like a joke. I look at the TV or Cody and say “Seriously?? Is something screwing with me?”. It’s ridiculous.

Anyway, I just wanted to get that out. I know most fertility blogs are about one rant or another. This is no exception. I just wish people were not so self absorbed so that they could really, truly see how lucky they are to be given such a gift.

beanie

Confessions of a Hormonal Raging Bitch

I must be going crazy.  It’s the only explanation.

First, I’m a raging, jealous bitch.  I’m envious of everything.  Things that don’t make a difference to me.  Oh – friend, Jessica is buying a new car.  Really should mean nothing to me… except that I feel like causing physical harm.  I’m pissed off cause I know she can’t afford the car.  She can’t afford insurance.  She’s a terrible driver too!  Just because I know these things, still shouldn’t make me all pissed off, should it?  I’m annoyed because she’s miraculously found the money for these things (*cough*  daddy.  *cough*…  *cough* ridiculously generous boss who has no idea that this friend of mine is going to quit her job and the only reason she wants a car is so that she can go on interviews.  um… *cough*).  I can’t even get a decent job, let alone find a boss willing to just give me a few thousand dollars just because.  Jessica gets new TV’s, has a stupid large DVD collection of limited edition Disney movies.  She eats out all of the time.  She has student loans, like 6 maxed out credit cards and complains that she never has enough money.  But she’s buying a fucking car.  News flash, bitch:  the cost of the car and the insurance is just the beginning.  You need money for maintenance, gas, parking.

And again, this should mean nothing to me.  She’s goes in even more debt – no harm to me, is it?

There’s a whole pile of other issues that piss me off about this particular friend (and I’m feeling more and more evil as I continue to bitch about her.).  She’s overweight – like really overweight – and she couldn’t care less.  I mean, Jessica talks about how she wants to lose weight, and is usually buying a bag of chips while she says it.  I don’t really care, because A) I have my own weight issues and B) it’s her problem, not mine.  The thing that annoys me is that I’ve worked so hard to lose weight; I try to watch what I eat; I make attempts at exercising.  And still, I’m diabetic.  Now, I’m not wishing diabetes on anyone – it’s a bitch and if you’re not careful, she’ll take your life.  Sometimes just a toe like some bastard in the Mafia you owe money to.  My point here is this:  it’s not fair.  I sound completely juvenile and spoiled as I say that, but it’s true.  I’m fully aware that life is not fair, but sometimes that alone is not fair.

By this point I’m sure you’re wondering what the fuck this has to do with getting pregnant.  Here goes.  Since Jessica has weight issues and health issues I’m sure I’m not aware of, she’s also had some problems with her ovaries.. basically, she doesn’t stop bleeding unless she’s on birth control tablets.  The doctor has told her that she desperately needs to lose weight and that it’s too much for her ovaries to handle.  She does not care.  She is on a type of birth control to cause her to only have a period every three months.  She was anaemic and needing iron supplements because her body could not stop her from bleeding. SHE DOES NOT CARE!!  WHAT THE FUCK.  She tells me she wants a baby and because she’s 32, she needs to get started.  But she’s not dating.  She has no interest in dating.  In fact, she’s told me outright that she wants a partner only because she wants a house and child.  She can’t afford either on her own.  And Artificial Insemination, sperm donors, and medications are too much for her to pay for.  WHAT. THE. EVER-LOVING. FUCK.  I’m raging all over.  And the kicker?  I bet if she lost weight, her period would even out and she’d get pregnant with no problems.

And here I sit:  fairly balanced woman with a loving husband, in a healthy-ish relationship, ready to give my beautiful curly haired baby all I can.  And I get to struggle.  Fertility medications, fertility treatments, ultrasounds, pelvic exams, appointments, crying, laughing, crying some more, and no positive result at the end of it all.

Readers, I’m really not a terrible person.  I don’t back stab my friends.  I don’t gossip.  I’m bitching about all of this today because it’s on my mind and bothering me.  But Jessica isn’t Jessica’s real name.  And even if it was, I don’t use my own real name and no one I know (with the exception of Cody) even knows I have a blog.  And I wouldn’t believe it for a second if someone told me that they never bitched about a friend.

In addition to being jealous about cars and jobs, I’m jealous of other friends.  I’m jealous of a particularly cute, newly married, close couple-friends of ours.  I’m jealous cause I know they’re going to be trying for a baby soon and they’re going to be successful.  Again, I’m not wishing infertility on anyone – and I really hope they have a baby.  It’s going to be so cute and they’ll be lovely parents.  I’m not going to lie though – I’m going to be insanely envious.  And sad.. for Cody and I.  Cause that’s what fertility issues does to you.

When someone announces on Facebook (how personal, bitch) that they’re pregnant, no joke – they’re blocked.  A friend of mine had a baby boy and the only reason I knew he was born was because I have her sister on Facebook as well, and she announced the arrival.  I haven’t unblocked her – I don’t want to see pictures.  Clearly, we’re not close friends.

In fact, after all this bitching, it’s no wonder I don’t have many close friends.

With all of the envy and jealousy seeping through my pores, it has me wondering if there’s a greater being looking down on me and saying that it’s not my time since I don’t seem to want it for the right reasons.  I’m coveting my neighbours healthy womb.

Phew.

Anyway, there’s another part to the post.  I’m sure you’re tired of reading by now, so if you want to break and come back later, I get it.

I’m having fucked up dreams.

My mother left me when I was about 2 years old (ohhhhh, that’s a whole other pile of insecurities about why I’m not pregnant or how I’ll fair as a mother).  I haven’t seen my mother since I was 7 and I have no intentions of having any meet-and-greets in the near future.  Anyway, dreams.  I had a dream I told her off the other day.  It was fantastic and satisfying and so real.

It was followed by a dream that I can’t get out of my head:  I went to the fertility clinic and had an ultrasound.  The technician pointed to a circle on the screen and said that I was pregnant.  I look closer, and it changed to the infertility circle symbol.  How fucked is that?

And then last night I had a terrible dream.  Another friend of mine is 7 months pregnant and in this dream, I saw her at the hospital in a wheel chair.  I walked up to her and asked her if it was time.  She cried and told me that she couldn’t feel the baby moving anymore.  I feel terrible even writing that I had that dream.

Normally, I do have vivid and clear dreams.  I remember them easily, as they’re usually very traumatic for me.  I’ve had a dream about one of my nieces dying; I dreamt that my mother shot my Dad.  I have countless dreams about Cody leaving me.  And while planning our wedding, I always dreamt that I forgot my shoes on the day of the wedding.  I don’t know what they mean.  All I can assume is that my insecurities, frustrations, and fears are surfacing.

It’s making it really hard to get a good night of sleep.

Thanks for letting me vent… again.  I hope you don’t think I’m a terrible person.

beanie

(Temporary?) Insanity

I don’t think I have multiple personalities, but I definitely have at least a few different attitudes.  And while I didn’t want Negative-Nancy to make an appearance this month, she’s popped up and decided to write a blog entry today.

You are warned.

Tomorrow, I’ll be pissing on a stick to see if I’m pregnant.  It’s most likely going to be a waste of 20 bucks.  I’m very sure it didn’t happen for us again this month.  Why?  Oh, well, it’s just these fantastic little pre-show cramps that are torturing me today.  Not too bad – after all,  this is just the opening act.  A little glimpse of what is to come in the next few days. Hmm… and the really sore breasts.  And the mood swings… right.

Seriously though – I’m so fed up.  I’m tired ALL the time.  I’m sore ALL of the time.  I’m trying so hard to be happy and optimistic   And yes, Sunshine-Sally does her best to stick around most of the time, but there are just days when Bitchy-Belinda does what she wants.

And that wench, Hopeful-Helen, she came around too.  She made me believe that because this month I’d have the progesterone suppositories (yes – suppositories.  F.M.L.), this would help and I’d get pregnant.  Once again, this month was just going to be the month that everything worked.  But it’s not.  And it didn’t.

Who knows – maybe things will be different.  I don’t actually really know all of the intervention didn’t work again. But, I know my body and I know what my period is like… well, I know what it’s like NOW.  I only have a faint memory of what it used to be like – all painless and mellow.  Point is, just cause I feel like my period is coming, doesn’t mean it will.  And I still have no choice but to POAS since I’d have to haul ass to the clinic to get MORE suppositories, blood work, and ultrasounds if it did come back positive.  I would not even be allowed to just be happy with the + sign.*  The alternative is being pissed off and depressed at seeing that lonely, single, solitary line.  Again.

Oh, and ladies – FYI.  If you have to get the suppositories, let it be known that they SUCK.  They’re bullet shaped (oh, that’s a comforting shape to shove in your vagina), waxy little things that get inserted without the use of an applicator.  Yup – you get to finger-job yourself not once, but twice a day (if you take 2 suppositories at night – if not, you get to do it 3 times a day).  They say to use a panty-liner to avoid “mess”.  Bullshit.  You need a pad.  And you get to do this for 2 weeks!  So for 3 fucking weeks of the month, I have to wear a sanitary napkin.  I’m not fond of this period protocol… for lack of a better term.  You do this until you get your period or until your second trimester.   Just another perk of having fertility issues.

But, Beanie, how do you have sexy time?

You don’t.  Well, not easily.  Definitely not without embarrassment   You can’t use them before you have sex.  Maybe you could, but I doubt it.  Plus, I could say with great confidence that Cody wouldn’t love the idea of seeing the “mess”.  And if you’re like me, I like to do the deed before bed, which happens to be the time I need to take the medication. So, we fool around and then I insert the bullets.  Well, I’ll save you details, but it’s messier than usual, let me tell you.  And gross.  And it doesn’t make you want to go back for seconds, that’s for sure.

Since I’ve already given way too many details and caused a whole bunch of readers to unfollow and/or close this post, I’m going to just continue.

If I do get my period, I’m gonna be so pissed.  Mostly at my doctor and Mother Nature.  I cannot handle the pain.  You might think I’m a wuss, and clearly my doctor does too, but I really cannot go through the same level of pain for many more months.  These cramps are out of this world.  It’s all funny to joke and make light that I’ll never make it through the contractions – but seriously, the pain from my periods is killing me.  I do all I can – Advil, heating pads, chocolate.  It’s temporary relief at best.  I don’t know what else to tell the doctor.  She laughs at me basically tells me to suck it up and that most women have been feeling the same pain but for longer than me – since I’ve only been so lucky to start ovulating about 3 months ago.

{FUCK YOU, LADY.}

Ugh.

End rant.

beanie

PS:  I’m sorry readers.  Really, really sorry about all of the bitching.  I had to get it off my chest.  I’ve been keeping a smile and good attitude for Cody.  The good Buddha is teaching me to let things go… but I’m apparently struggling with letting things go completely.  Or, maybe I’m not the Buddha, just a mere human who suffers from frustrations and annoyances.  You decide.

Thanks for stickin’ with me though, friends.

* Of course, if I get a positive result and I do have to go to the clinic – I’ll still be overjoyed.  Nothing could make me unhappy after seeing that little, bitty plus sign.

Confessions, Secrets, Rants.

I don’t know exactly why I do it – but I kind of treat this infertility stuff like it’s a government secret.

When Cody and I were referred to the fertility clinic, I called my stepmum right away and told her what was happening.  I received love, support and confidence from her.  It didn’t take away all of my upset feelings and so when my cousin called the next day, I used her as a sounding board for my frustrations.  I am very close with my cousin – she is one of my best friends and more like a sister to me than anything else – which is why I vented, anticipating something – ANYTHING – that would help.  Like everything else in this journey, it didn’t really go as expected.  Jenna seemed irritated with it all – even telling me not to listen to the doctors and that I didn’t need a fertility specialist.  More happened, but it doesn’t really matter.  At the end of the call, I was even more upset and irritated with her on top of it.  I told Cody what happened and then finished up with a vow not to tell anyone what was happening.

Over the next few days I did just that – but with the full range of emotions coming and going, I realized it wasn’t fair to burden Cody and only Cody with it all.  After very careful consideration (and Cody’s approval), I decided to talk with a friend of mine, Samantha.  It was a good choice:  we don’t have any mutual friends, she also wants a baby and has her own issues with that, and she’s always been supportive and understanding regardless of the issue.  We talked for a long time and at the end of it all, one things sticks out to me still, over a month later…  Samantha gave my feelings validation.  Though Samantha wants to have children, she is not struggling with fertility.  She’s a professional, career-driven woman who isn’t married or with a partner at the moment, which is the only reason she doesn’t have a perfect, gorgeous baby right this second.  The only thing we have in common, with regards to fertility, is that we both want a baby.  That being said, Sam was supportive and understanding, and sympathetic.  On top of it all, she told me that she did not know how I felt, and that no one except someone going through the same issues, could fully understand.  It might seem weird, but her telling me that made me feel so much better.  My stepmum was optimistic, but told me to buck up.  Samantha told me that I am going to feel whatever I was going to feel – and regardless of the emotion, it was perfectly acceptable.

After my conversation with my cousin, I’ve avoided telling her anything more about our fertility struggles.  She doesn’t know I’ve been to a couple of appointments, or that I’ve had testing done.  And I really have no intention of telling her anything more.  And it’s not just her!  I haven’t told my best friends.  I haven’t told other members of my family.  Cody and I haven’t said anything yet to his family either.  Cody says that we don’t need to tell anyone (on his side) yet because we don’t really know what the problem is or what we need to do.  But if I’m honest (and why be anything BUT honest when I have all of this anonymity) I don’t want to tell his family at all… I don’t want the judgements.  I don’t want the suggestions.  I don’t want the looks of pity.  I don’t want it spread around his very talkative family.  The only reason I’d want to tell them is so that they can stop asking us when we’re going to have babies!  Which, by the way, is something that annoys me to no end.  What makes anyone think they have the right to ask a couple when they are going to have kids, or to suggest that it’s should be happening soon.  First of all, it’s no one’s business – do you really want my ovulation schedule (ha!  As if I could provide that anyway.) and our calendar so you could help us pencil in sex?  Clearly we aren’t doing it right!  Please – let us know how YOU did it!  Ugh.  Secondly, does anyone EVER stop to think that maybe we’ve been trying and there could be some kind of issue?  What the hell ever happened to sensitivity?  Or tact, for that matter.  End rant.

So I guess for now I’m happy with my very select, small group of confidants.  And YOU!  🙂

Samantha also suggested that Cody and I (or just me, whatever) might want to attend a support group since there would be others facing similar situations.  I am not sure how I feel about this.  I’m a nervous person as it is, and I always feel so awkward when meeting new people.  It might be worth a shot though… and I’d be interested to hear from those who’ve gone to a support group, thought about attending one, or who’ve had this suggested to them too.

I think this post was all over the place today.  Confessions, secrets, and rants.

Thanks for lending your ear… er, eyes?

beanie