Food runs my life.


I have at least one fight a day with Charlotte over eating.  She just will not eat dinner!  Ever!!  No matter what I do, unless it’s chicken nuggets or grilled cheese, she refuses dinner.  Every night.  Tonight, Cody made delicious hamburgers and corn on the cob.  Charlotte ate a cheese slice.  No, not even “real” cheese.  An actual processed cheese slice.  Then threw a fit until we finally just released her to go and do what she wanted while the three of us ate.  It’s ridiculous.  I vow to turn it around… I have my books, my websites, and my recipes.  I will find a way to win this fight, so help me God!


My father in law is now doing chemo.  He’s had a set back, there seems to be an issue with his bowel now.  They are optimistic that it won’t become serious and he should be able to come home soon.  As with many chemo patients, food is unappealing at the moment and that will only contribute to his digestive issues… so what can Beanie do to help?  Food.  I bought a ridiculously expensive book with freezer meal recipes (along with my own favorite dishes that are good for the freezer!) and I am going to cook, cook, cook.  I will feed my family to keep them healthy and strong.  When my mother in law is too tired to cook, or my sister in laws are just too distracted to make meals, I want them to be able to reach for something homemade.  It makes me feel helpful.  It makes me feel useful.  I love to cook and I love my family – as crazy as they make me – so, I hope these meals will feed their bellies and their souls.


I am a binge eater.  There is no doubting that.  I have a terrible relationship with food.  Maybe one day I will get into it, but not tonight.  Anyway, I am always talking about how I need to be better, do better, eat better.  Better better better.  And then we started talking about having another child.  So, I started to “track ovulation” which is pretty much like trying to find a leprechaun catching a ride on a unicorn.  No period, bad period, random bleeding.  Off to the doctor I went and she decided to send me to an endocrinologist to look at my blood work.  Well, dear old diabetes is yet again totally out of control.  Like, super out of control.  We decided to switch over to insulin again, but a month later and things are still nuts.  I have an A1C that is literally double what it should be and a fasting sugar that is double and a bit.  No matter what I do!  At my appointment yesterday, my doc suggested that it was possible I am not Type 2 diabetic, that it is possible I am Type 1 diabetic and was misdiagnosed.  After reading about LADA, it makes a lot of sense.  And it fits me and my situation.  I was 24 when I was diagnosed and about 40 pounds heavier than I am now.  And since that time (10 friggen years!), I’ve gone from Metformin to adding in Diamicron, Invokana, Glumetza; tried Humalog, Humulin, and Lantus.  I am now currently taking NovoRapid and Levemir, which are bringing the numbers down… but I am also taking over 100 units of insulin a day!!   I go back to the doctor in 2 weeks and will be tested for Type 1 and hopefully we will be on a maintenance plan instead of more adjustments.

All of that said, I carb counted today and my numbers were good-ish.  However… I feel so hungry.  And its possible that it’s my mind just tricking me; it’s possible that I am adjusting; it’s possible that I’m actually hungry.  And most people would say to just have a snack, but WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN.  Everything is different!  I would have an apple with some peanut butter, but my sugars will be fucked.  My body is so super sensitive to eating anything.  No, I don’t always eat the best… but I am not the worst, either!


That was a jumbled mess.  Like my brain these days.  Stay tuned for something more coherent next time!




ps – I am eating the apple.

Medications, Procedures, and Tests! Oh My!

I was wrong about a couple of things.

Aunt Flo dropped in late Friday night.  So sort of on time, technically.  This, unfortunately for me, meant I’d haul ass back to the clinic on Monday morning which is never fun because it’s insanely busy on Mondays.  And because it’s Monday.

I meant with Dr. C. and she said that everything looked great last month.  We’ve evened out my periods, which was her major concern in the first place.  Hey, if I can ovulate, that’s half the battle.  She asked me if I’ve ever been tested to see if my tubes were blocked.  This caught be off guard because I felt if this was a possible issue, shouldn’t there be signs?  Shouldn’t all of  the intervention I’ve had this far been unsuccessful?  Shouldn’t we have tested this first?  Well, apparently I do not know much about the female reproductive system and it’s no wonder I’m not pregnant.  Research says:  You CAN ovulate with blocked tubes.  You CAN get your period with blocked tubes.  Research also told me how this test is performed and I can tell you this much:  I don’t think I can do it.

In fact, I don’t think I can do much more of any of this.  It’s starting to take a real toll on me.  Each time I have to get up and start a whole cycle over, I turn into a complete psychopath (not literally – I haven’t murdered anyone or anything.).

Anyway – back to blocked tubes.  The good doctor said we should test that before started any injectable medications (again – WTF.  We’re at that stage??  WHEN DID IT GO THERE?!).  The would be no point starting those expensive medications (Oh, fucking fantastic.  More money.  Lovely.) if, basically, everything isn’t clean and clear.  Then we’d start to talk about sperm washes and IUI’s.  Oh, and if they’re blocked?  Well, there’s surgery and/or IVF.  Perfect.  If it goes there, Cody and I can expect to spend all of the money on that instead of our one and only trip we have planned to Greenland.

I guess I was a little less tolerant by this point and asked something along the lines of whether it was a problem or not that we hadn’t been successful yet.  She said no, not necessarily.  At my age and with our good health she’d typically try what we’re doing 3 to 6 times before moving on – but if we wanted to, we could do the HSG tube test thing and see where we’re at.  Cody and I looked at each other and somehow telepathically agreed that we’d do what we’ve been doing and then if it didn’t work, we’d do the test next month and go from there.  So essentially, we’d have 2 more tries of Femara/Ovidrel trigger/timed intercourse before shelling out thousands of dollars.  Only difference is a sick torture technique somewhere in the middle of the 4th cycle.

I just don’t understand why it hasn’t worked.  I don’t even think the doctor has a reason either.  And now, I have this other thing that could be an issue and could be the cause of so much pain.  And, funnily enough, would be the cause of more physical pain.  We all know I’m going to research the hell out of this and just make myself crazy with the thought that it is a problem we didn’t know about.

Speaking of physical pain, I brought up the fact that my period has been making me bed ridden.  She laughed it off again, saying that I’m not used to that since I don’t ovulate on my own – which I call bullshit on.  There is no way that I’ve NEVER ovulated on my own in all of the years I’ve had my period.  I’ve had cramps before and this is beyond.  It’s now been suggested that I take a 400mg Extra Strength Advil at the first sign of spotting and this preventative dosage should be enough to make it though.  Apparently, if you wait until you’re in pain, the pain producing hormone (??) is already in your blood stream and it takes that much longer for the good stuff to kick in.  Regardless, I was hoping for morphine, but I’ll give her suggestion a try.  Fingers crossed I won’t need to worry about that at the end of this cycle.

Oh, and I bought “The Buddha Walks Into the Bar” last night.  I read the first chapter and it’s already given me things to think about.  I have hope that this book is going to make this cycle a little easier and more tolerable!

Whatever it takes.





I know I shouldn’t be griping about money.  And there might be some of you who are thinking that money should be no object if I really want to be a mother and give Cody a baby.  Money is no object – we’ll do what we need to do.  We have the savings, as I mentioned before.  What I struggle with is the fact that we could end up spending all of it and in the end, still have nothing.  And at some point, money does become an obstacle.  And while I want to do all I can, I simply cannot run fast enough to be able to escape police – so robbing a bank when we’re out of savings is not an option. 


Speed Bump Instead of Baby Bump

The first thing the OB GYN did was give my husband his sperm test results.  Where they like to see a number over 20 million, he has 10 million.  And where they want to see motility over 50%, he has 30%.  But this was not bad news, per se.  This was something they could work with!  No need to worry.  These numbers might also be inaccurate since if Cody was sick within the last 74 days, it would affect his results.  He’d been really sick over Thanksgiving, so this could be the reason for the lower number.  Another test in February, and we’d re-evaluate.

Then she looked at me.

I confirmed that my periods are irregular.  Sometimes 28 days, sometimes 40.  She told me that this is a good sign that I am not ovulating every month, which WAS a problem and I would need to go to a fertility clinic.  Once I am there, I would be tested for a full cycle, every day.  I would need to get up early and go in for an appointment daily where my blood would be taken and an ultrasound, to monitor my egg production and/or release.  If I do ovulate, they would call me and tell me to light some candles, put on some sexy music and have at it.  If I did not ovulate, then I’d need to start medication.

Let’s hit “pause” for a second:

My OB GYN is fantastic.  I waited for over a year to get my first appointment with her.  She has an amazing reputation, is a member of different associations, and has too many fancy diplomas.  When you call the office, you have a very good chance of speaking directly to the doctor, if needed.  When you have a test done, she often calls you directly with the results.  With all of this you would think she’d be an egotistical, stuck up doctor – but she’s just so nice.  All of the time.

So even when she’s telling me to expect a very invasive ultrasound every day and blood tests each morning, it didn’t sound so bad.  And then when she told me that I might have to go on medications that have a high probability of making you have twins, it never sounded horrible.  She told me that I was “lucky” – all of my tests would be covered by OHIP.  I’d, of course, have to pay for any medications needed, but if we have insurance (and we do), then those could be covered too!  It didn’t sound completely awful.  The next step after making sure that I was ovulating (with or without crazy expensive, multiple-baby-causing medications) was a sperm wash, which would likely be needed if the second test for my husband came back with similar results.  This – not covered.  But hey – very, very good chance in resulting in pregnancy!  Can you put a price on that?  So they take his boys and literally wash away all of the chemicals and lazy fellas and insert them into me when I’m ovulating.  I never realized there was a legitimate comparison when people made the turkey baster reference.  I said it sounds painful, the doc said it was about as uncomfortable as a pelvic exam…. not so fun, in my eyes.  But worth it, if I could get pregnant.

Cody and I went home.  And I feel ridiculous writing this, but when we got home, I just got into my bed, held my favourite cat (yes, I kinda like one of the cats more than the other.  I’m horrid.) and I cried.  I mean REALLY cried.  I was (and still have been since the news) feeling sorry for myself.  I feel like we can do something with Cody’s results – and I’m happy for that!  But for me, I have to go through even more and there’s no real promise of me getting pregnant… or even staying pregnant.  Yup – the risk of miscarriage is much higher, and yes – because I’m diabetic, it’s notched up even more.

Cody keeps telling me that it’s not really bad news.  Bless his big, beautiful heart, he’s an eternal optimist.  Me, not so much.  When he says these things to me and seems to be perfectly fine with this report on our reproductive systems, it makes me feel ridiculous.  Like I’m making a bigger deal of all of this than it should be.  But shouldn’t I be upset to know that I may need to have medications and blood work and ultrasounds just to see if that one little egg is even there?  Sure, we have some options, and we’ll exhaust all of them – but what if they don’t work?  It’s not the end of the road yet… but I still feel like I’m missing something that every other woman has.

And it’s juvenile, but I just feel like it’s not fair.  I am fully aware of how hard other people have it.  There are people living on the streets, babies with no food, natural disasters all over the world.  I get it – I really do.  I am sympathetic to all of that.  And all of the things that people are dealing with all over the world makes me feel even worse about feeling the way that I do about all of this.  And still… I can’t help the way I feel.

In my last post, I talk about how I came to realize I wanted babies.  Over the 10-ish years that I’ve decided I wanted babies (and lots of them) it’s the one thing I know will make me complete.  I have a great husband, an amazing home and a new home on the way, great family and awesome friends.  And with all of that, I am so blessed, but I know being a wife and Mum is what I’m supposed to do with my life.  How can I have a backup for that plan??