Food runs my life.
I have at least one fight a day with Charlotte over eating. She just will not eat dinner! Ever!! No matter what I do, unless it’s chicken nuggets or grilled cheese, she refuses dinner. Every night. Tonight, Cody made delicious hamburgers and corn on the cob. Charlotte ate a cheese slice. No, not even “real” cheese. An actual processed cheese slice. Then threw a fit until we finally just released her to go and do what she wanted while the three of us ate. It’s ridiculous. I vow to turn it around… I have my books, my websites, and my recipes. I will find a way to win this fight, so help me God!
My father in law is now doing chemo. He’s had a set back, there seems to be an issue with his bowel now. They are optimistic that it won’t become serious and he should be able to come home soon. As with many chemo patients, food is unappealing at the moment and that will only contribute to his digestive issues… so what can Beanie do to help? Food. I bought a ridiculously expensive book with freezer meal recipes (along with my own favorite dishes that are good for the freezer!) and I am going to cook, cook, cook. I will feed my family to keep them healthy and strong. When my mother in law is too tired to cook, or my sister in laws are just too distracted to make meals, I want them to be able to reach for something homemade. It makes me feel helpful. It makes me feel useful. I love to cook and I love my family – as crazy as they make me – so, I hope these meals will feed their bellies and their souls.
I am a binge eater. There is no doubting that. I have a terrible relationship with food. Maybe one day I will get into it, but not tonight. Anyway, I am always talking about how I need to be better, do better, eat better. Better better better. And then we started talking about having another child. So, I started to “track ovulation” which is pretty much like trying to find a leprechaun catching a ride on a unicorn. No period, bad period, random bleeding. Off to the doctor I went and she decided to send me to an endocrinologist to look at my blood work. Well, dear old diabetes is yet again totally out of control. Like, super out of control. We decided to switch over to insulin again, but a month later and things are still nuts. I have an A1C that is literally double what it should be and a fasting sugar that is double and a bit. No matter what I do! At my appointment yesterday, my doc suggested that it was possible I am not Type 2 diabetic, that it is possible I am Type 1 diabetic and was misdiagnosed. After reading about LADA, it makes a lot of sense. And it fits me and my situation. I was 24 when I was diagnosed and about 40 pounds heavier than I am now. And since that time (10 friggen years!), I’ve gone from Metformin to adding in Diamicron, Invokana, Glumetza; tried Humalog, Humulin, and Lantus. I am now currently taking NovoRapid and Levemir, which are bringing the numbers down… but I am also taking over 100 units of insulin a day!! I go back to the doctor in 2 weeks and will be tested for Type 1 and hopefully we will be on a maintenance plan instead of more adjustments.
All of that said, I carb counted today and my numbers were good-ish. However… I feel so hungry. And its possible that it’s my mind just tricking me; it’s possible that I am adjusting; it’s possible that I’m actually hungry. And most people would say to just have a snack, but WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN. Everything is different! I would have an apple with some peanut butter, but my sugars will be fucked. My body is so super sensitive to eating anything. No, I don’t always eat the best… but I am not the worst, either!
That was a jumbled mess. Like my brain these days. Stay tuned for something more coherent next time!
ps – I am eating the apple.
CAITLYN SAYS: She didn’t have a say as to what house we rented for our weekend in Niagara.
TRUTH: As a group, it was decided an AirBnB would make more sense than a hotel. I then researched dozens of options. I took her suggested home and 3 of the ones that I thought would be good candidates and created a Facebook voting poll for our group message thread. The others ladies, myself, AND Caitlyn unanimously voted for the house we all liked the best based on price, number of beds, and location.
CAITLYN SAYS: Any time she suggested an activity, she was brushed aside and no one listened to her.
TRUTH: Caitlyn thought it would be fun to go to a water park and rent a cabana. I called the location and got prices and posted the information in our message thread. Caitlyn mentioned a tribute band playing the night we arrived. In the message thread, I agreed to the concert while a couple of ladies said that they wouldn’t be there in time, but to go ahead.
CAITLYN SAYS: I changed plans multiple times. I wanted to go to the haunted house, so we did. I changed dinner plans in order to have my piercing done. Again, she didn’t have a say in anything, I just got my way.
TRUTH: We went downtown as a group when that was not necessary. I wanted to go to the haunted house and said that A) not everyone had to come and B) I was also willing to cancel that idea. Caitlyn did not even go to the haunted house. But she did want to go down to the falls, so we did.
I decided to have my nipple pierced, which was something I had been talking about during the whole planning process of this trip. I left to go and have this done at 4PM. I was back by 5PM after going to the grocery store to get soda – for Caitlyn. I went to have a little nap (as did she!) and when I came out, she was still gone and had told everyone that she didn’t want to go to dinner.
CAITLYN SAYS: She was the one to find the other half of our group while all I did was complain. She then navigated us through the casino to a restaurant and then out and to the nightclub.
TRUTH: She found the other half of the group because she is a control freak who was uninterested in waiting for instructions as to where they were. I waited until we knew where we were going. And yes, my killer sexy heels were killing my feet as we walked all the way across the planet in the freezing cold at maximum speed. I don’t know about the casino thing, but ok. As for the restaurant – SHE DIDN’T WANT DINNER!! And I specifically said I was not hungry. So fuck off – she wanted to eat. We went to the club as a group and I don’t know who was leading. I was probably whining and complaining the whole way there. I know I was mad as we passed the club I wanted to go to the in first place.
CAITLYN SAYS: For the first hour at the club, she was the only one dancing. She was there “for hours” and was assaulted twice before deciding to go home. She then noticed that this club was close to the AirBnB she had suggested and was mad cause she could have walked back alone instead of needing an uber.
TRUTH: She was miserable and we all knew it. The thing is this: I told her she didn’t have to come because I knew it wasn’t her thing and I was ok with that. I personally wanted to dance and had said this to the group weeks before we even went on this weekend trip. Regarding the assaults… that really has nothing to do with me. First of all, I didn’t even know it had happened. Secondly, I didn’t want to go to this club. The club that someone told us that the American guys are particularly aggressive at, but everyone insisted would be fine. More to that next. And the AirBnB – well we went over that already.
CAITLYN SAYS: She needed to go and buy clothes she didn’t want or need so that we could go out to the club I was forcing us all to go to.
TRUTH: Part One: 1. Months in advance, I inform everyone that I want to go dancing, but if it’s not your thing, no worries, I can go alone. This is the only thing that I really wanted to do over the weekend, so I was going to go, with or without people. 2. I put our names on the guest list at Club A. I tell the group. 3. The morning we are leaving, I show everyone in the FB thread the dress I am bringing to go out clubbing to. We drove up together and the entire time we are talking about dancing and getting dressed up. 4. Saturday morning, I tell everyone that the club sent the dress code. Caitlyn says that she doesn’t have anything to wear to the club. She says that she will go to value village and buy something. 5. She got dressed with everyone, she even let everyone do her hair and makeup.
Part Two: I picked Club A because no one else cared where we went – until Saturday afternoon, AFTER I went to have my piercing. I came out of the bathroom and everyone was talking about instead going to Club B because there was no cover charge… even though we were informed the crowd of guys were known for being pushy. Not my choice, but what the group decided.
CAITLYN SAYS: She messaged the group about going to another club/bar that had food and maybe dancing. Or we could just all go home. The 3 of them went home and apparently one of them received a message that the 3 of us were also coming home. She then ordered pizza and went to the balcony.
TRUTH: I informed everyone before we left to go to the casino/club that my phone was almost dead. Stupid, I know, but I forgot to charge it. Anyway, I did not get that message. One of the girls I was with didn’t even look at her phone, and the last one just said we should go home. I agreed because… why the fuck would we leave one club to go to another?
CAITLYN SAYS: I called her and the other two “bitches”.
TRUTH: Yes. I said “We came home and these bitches aren’t even here.” All the lights were off, it was quiet, and I had just been told that they found a different bar. I was annoyed and very, very drunk.
CAITLYN SAYS: She was pissed but kept a smile on her face the whole time.
TRUTH: She didn’t talk to anyone, she stayed on her phone, she declined to play the group card game to instead sit alone, she then went to bed without much more than a “Goodnight”. We knew she was pissed off.
CAITLYN SAYS: We ditched her and abandoned her with no food on Sunday morning.
TRUTH: This part bugs me so much. I got up in the morning, still a bit tipsy. We needed to check out at 11AM. I started packing my crap when it was mentioned that I could drive back in Car B with my bestie and Allie so that we could get me home a little faster and they could see my daughters before they went for a nap (my BEST friend wanted to see her “nieces” because she’d gotten them gifts and hadn’t seen the girls in a year). There was also freezing rain in Ottawa, where my bestie and A live, so they wanted to get on the road. I mentioned this to the other two ladies who drove up with Caitlyn and I, and they didn’t see a problem. Sara was bunking with Caitlyn and she was going to wake her up, but felt bad. We all then started bringing our bags and shit downstairs, I got in the car and left. As for the food – 1. I bought all of that fucking food. 2. I know I left the bananas, cause Sara wanted them. 3. SHE’S A FUCKING ADULT.
CAITLYN SAYS: We should have woken her up.
TRUTH: Maybe. But since she is my neighbour, pretty much (yep, awkward), I didn’t think we needed to have some long, drawn out goodbye. And since she doesn’t know my bestie and A overly well, we didn’t think she would care either way. The other two ladies didn’t think it was a problem to just leave, and neither did we. 5 out of 6 people said it was alright to go home, we really didn’t think that we were doing anything wrong. She then made a comment about the cleaner being the one to wake her up, but… there were two other people there! Why would waking her up be my job??
CAITLYN SAYS: I didn’t have the balls to call her on Sunday after she texted me to say she was pissed.
TRUTH: SHE TEXTED ME FIRST. I then apologized 3 times and she replied with “Thanks”. I tried to speak with her many times and was shut out. It was 3 weeks later when I AGAIN reached out to her to see if she wanted to meet. I text because no one calls anyone anymore, she wouldn’t have answered anyway, and I am busy and don’t want to call her. If she can give me the silent treatment then she can deal with me texting instead of calling.
OK, now that I got that out, I feel a bit better.
Honestly, she twisted every little thing to make it my fault. My husband says that she was just mad and I was her punching bag, she was “projecting”. And maybe that is the case, but it’s so totally uncalled for. I am no one’s punching bag – NO ONE.
I have therapy tomorrow… and I’m fairly certain this will be the thing we chat about for the whole hour. I’m writing to try and get it all off of my heart and out of my brain. I have been talking to Cody about it, but I don’t want to burden him either. He and Caitlyn’s husband are good friends. So, I’ll talk with my therapist tomorrow and then maybe put most of this to bed.
ps – to clarify the assaults: A female had “hit on” Caitlyn and felt her up; someone elbowed her in the ribs.
I take sexual assault and violence against women very seriously. Had Caitlyn told me what happened, of course I would have been there to assist, report, whatever needed to happen. But she did not tell me.
And I hate to say it, but… in a packed club, people get elbowed. Generally it’s accidental. Not always, but sometimes. Once again, had I known, I would have done what I could to help!
I am sitting here and trying to figure out what the heck to write. I mean, SO MUCH has happened, and I don’t really know where I left off… I’m also really friggen tired and Char is banging in her bed, so I’m a little all over the place and distracted.
Ok…. so, Penelope. She is about 35 pounds and super tall. She’s 99% for weight, high 80s for height and head. We are still waiting on her 2 year molars. Her nickname is “P”, and she likes to call herself Super P. It’s adorable. P is a very happy girl, as she has been since the day she was born. She can speak very well, using full sentences. She is usually pretty clear, but every once in a while I have to guess what she’s saying. Penelope is still a mama’s girl, rarely picking Cody over me.
Charlotte AKA CharChar. This little one is about 30 pounds and catching up in height to P. She has all of her teeth, in fact she did at about 18 months. That kid is a teeth growing machine! Miss Charlotte is also a mama’s girl now. She will go to Cody much more willingly than P, but still prefers me. Char is very shy around people and will cling for dear life until she warms up. Bring out a puppy, though, and she’s all yours. Charlotte is part monkey, I swear to God. She climbs everything, jumps off shit, freefalls, goes down 6ft tall slides. Nothing scares this child! Her speech is coming along, but there is still a lot of incoherent babble. The words are there, because if you get her to calm down, she will clearly say what she wants/will repeat you perfectly. Our major issue is that P will talk for both of them, and Char is content with that. I’m not worried, cause I know it will come when she is ready.
The girls, as a unit, are awesome. However, truth be told, I am not a fan of toddlers. The attitude is ridiculous. And when you have two two year olds, it can get old fast. P and Char are also far from being besties. The amount of fighting over toys or me is insane! I try and try and try to get them the understand sharing, but jesus, they are two year olds who really just don’t get it and are impatient little creatures. That’s just toddlers being toddlers. As frustrated as I can get though, I really want time to slow down. Just today I noticed how independent they are and how quickly it’s going and it really made me sad.
As for moi, I’m alright. Tired, my back is always sore (I have an issue with my sacroiliac joint), I might have a STONE in my parotid gland which is in your FACE. I should find out more tomorrow and what the heck happens next. I am still taking cipralex for my anxiety and depression, which is going ok. My insomnia got way worse, which was making my anxiety worse, so my doctor prescribed me medical marijuana. Still testing that out, but it seems to help some stuff (sleep, libido, mood), but its hard to get used to. Even though its legitimately being used to help me, I still cant help feeling a bit weird about it.
Cody and I are doing way better. I finally feel happy with him again. We will be celebrating seven years being married in October!
Another great thing is that I finally have my Mama Tribe. I’ll write about that in full detail another day.
Ok, time to clean… or something. Clearly the work never ends, so I best go and find it.
Does my husband know me???????
I just don’t understand him somedays.
For the last 2 days, even though I am medicated with Cipralex and “other” “meds”, I have had a lot of anxiety and my depression is popping up again. That is just what happens. Even though you take meds, you’re still human and you still have feelings, and you still have bad days, and you still cry. It’s called LIFE.
When my “friend” announced her pregnancy with twins, I flat out told Cody that I was not happy for her. It’s the truth. I am NOT happy for her. Call me a bitch, call me whatever. I don’t care. I really am not happy for her.
And since we’ve had the girls, pregnancy after pregnancy have been announced. I try to say “good for them” or “congrats” or SOMETHING, but really… I don’t usually give a fuck. I don’t want to think about people and their easy pregnancies or whatever. Good for them, but leave me out of it.
The last 2 days have been rough. A lot of things are getting to me, I had a crying episode yesterday, blah blah blah. So why Cody just came home and announced with great joy that his friend and bitchy wife are expecting their first kid, I have no goddamn clue.
… and I lost it.
“You know what, Cody, I don’t care. I don’t care about Mike and Henry and Chad and all of their wives having children. I DON’T CARE!! Don’t tell me about it anymore! I don’t want to hear about pregnancy any more!! I AM NOT HAPPY FOR THESE PEOPLE! That might make me a bitch, whatever! I don’t want to know!!”
I don’t understand how after 10 years, 2 solid years of fertility treatment, a miscarriage, chemical pregnancies, and finally 2 babies – this man does not get that this stuff still gets to me. HOW?!
I know it might seem dramatic. Maybe it is! But I feel how I feel and I can’t help it! I don’t know how else to get it across to him…
Fuck you, infertility. Leave me alone!!
We went out and finally bought a new computer! I am hoping that this will make it easier to write my posts more often. I’ve been wanting to write and get some feelings and thoughts out, but with only being able to use to WP app, I just didn’t have the patience. I swear – everytime I would write a post, it would delete and I’d have to start over. Ain’t nobody got time for that. (I swore I would never use that term, but it seemed apt for this occasion!)
So, my friends – thank you for sticking with me. I hope to be able to bring you some fun stories again. And Cody and I are also trying to get pregnant again, so that stuff will be making a regular appearance as well.
OH! And the Dove campaign!! I completely forgot. I’ll post more about that next time. What an amazing opportunity, let me tell you.
I am also going to be starting another blog, though I am not sure I’ll be posting anything between the two. Who knows, maybe I’ll link to it as well.
Hope you’re all doing well. Even though I haven’t been posting, I’ve been keeping up with you all.
Talk to you soon,
Bring me back like 5 years ago and I’d be either out doing something super fun or I’d be anxiously awaiting tomorrow. Cause February 6th happens to be my birthday.
For the last few years I just haven’t been feeling it. I mean, frig, I’m turning 33 tomorrow, so my birthday doesnt have the same magical feel to it as it would when I was a kid. Or even 20, 25. But I used to love to plan it, see my friends, eat and be happy.
I’ve been grumpy For the last 2 days. There’s a multitude of reasons: supposed to get my period, no period, BFN, was ridiculously sick, have a disgusting cold sore, fought with Cody, girls are crabby, my brother is irritating me, I’m tired, I’m hungry. I blame hormones and men.
Cold sores are gross. Lets be real. If you’ve never had one, good for you but here’s something you might not have thought about: you just might be a carrier cause apparently 70% of the population is infected with HSV-1. If you have had a cold sore, I’m gonna bet it’s been on your lip and you get self conscious about it. People probably tell you it’s no big deal, but turn your back and bet money they are looking for hand santizer. And they should, it’s super easy to pass. BUT, you’re still mortified. If you haven’t had the sore on your lip, then you’re a member of the same category as me and get them somewhere awkward. I get them on my nose. When you see someone with a cold sore on their lip, you know what it is and you all just move along with your life. When you see someone like me with a big ass THING on their face, you accidentally-on-purpose stare.
So, now that I have kids I’m wicked paranoid. I read up on the cold sore thing and apparently, cause I’m so brilliant, the virus is spread through saliva REGARDLESS of where the sore is. I did not know this. Now that I do, I am not kissing my children. Two things: 1) it’s super hard cause they are the most adorable things to hit this planet and 2) I’m scared that they have already contracted it. I’m being dilligent and hygenic, but fuuuuuuuck. It doesn’t help that most who are going to get this usually get it by age 3, and again – 70% of the population carries this. My kids could go to playgroup and BAM – cold sore breeding heaven.
Anyway, as you can see, I’m obsessing and it sucks. I dont like fake kissing my sad baby on the top of her head. I don’t like not being able to be carefree with them. Its for the greater good, but it’s impacting my mood.
And tomorrow Cody planned something for my birthday, I think a massage, and it’s just… Ugh. I hate going out with this THING on my face.
We are going to Niagara on Friday, and I am trying to think about that. About getting away, eating, sleeping, having alone time. And then I remember that I could still be dealing with my current appearance hinderance. Or that my period will likely pop up just in time for a road trip.
That’s another thing! My period. I’ve been testing for pregnancy cause well, I’m late. But am I? Well, according to my ovulation app, I am. But who the hell knows. Effing PCOS. and I’m so tired of that sad, stupid, lonely, pink line. I want another baby. And I suddenly find myself back in TTC hell, BFN torture, 2WW bullshit. I HATE THIS.
My cat keeps pissing on the floor, we have a new bunny and she bites, my husband doesn’t clean anything in my home, I sleep alone more than 50% of the week, and did I mention: I have a cold sore.
Happy friggen birthday to me.
PS: I will update something more positive tomorrow. I hope. And hopefully reply to all of your very lovely and wonderful comments on my last couple of posts ❤❤
I’m still around… I’m still reading… I’m just not writing. I’ve felt the urge to write, but then never really knew what to say. Or when I did have something I wanted to write about, I was too tired or too lazy or something. A big one was that I hate making posts while on my phone and I honestly don’t know where my laptop is right now.
Here’s a quick list of the updates I’ve been meaning to make.
- In September I felt the need to have some adult interaction. I never got out, my husband wasn’t paying attention to me, regardless of how many times I asked him to or brought the issue up. So I downloaded a chat app and started talking with people close-ish to me. One person in particular, whom I started to get attached to, so I deleted the app and told my husband. It was around then that i started to really pay attention to the fact that I needed to deal with my anxiety and depression.
- We went up north in October to visit my family. The hotel stay sucked, but It was nice to see my parents. I also FINALLY got to say goodbye to my very loved, very missed aunt. After 3 years.
- I downloaded the chat app again and, as fate would have it, started talking to Mike, the guy I was trying to avoid. My husband made it clear one night that he didn’t want to put effort into us and our communication, so I said fuck it. There was someone who wanted to talk to me, why was I going to sit and be miserable just because my husband wanted to treat me like shit?
- Saw the doctor, got some meds, started therapy. Stopped having sex (or at least orgasms), but was otherwise feeling better. Moods improved, figured out the best time to take my medication, saw therapist every 2 weeks. Still talking to Mike, and it is bordering on no longer being platonic.
- Visited my best friend for 3 days, and boy did I need it.
- Christmas was good.
- Miscarriage Day came and so did my period. Nice.
- HUGE FIGHT with hubs. I tell him I’m having an emotional affair. Fuck.
- My meds finally seem to be in full effect. I decide to make some changes to make me happy. I now have Tuesdays mostly to myself. I have a sculpture course in the morning and therapy in the afternoon. It’s wonderful and definitely something I look forward to each week. Also, I say I’m gonna start going to the gym again, but haven’t yet.
- Omg, finally able to enjoy sex to the fullest after 3 months. THANK GOD.
- Still talking to Mike, but it’s not like it was, and that’s fine. I want it to end.
And that’s that.
I have decided that this is the year of improvement. Home renos, relationship building, and self improvement.
My birthday is approaching and Cody and in are going to Niagara falls for two days. AND WE ARE LEAVING THE BABIES AT HOME WITH THEIR GRANDPARENTS. This is huge! I am so looking forward to reconnecting with Cody.
And an update about the girls:
18 months old and perfect!
Banana: 2ft 9in, 32lbs.
Apple: 2ft 7in, 24lbs.
Both are amazing. They don’t talk much, so we are seeing a speech development therapist. They love us and each other. They have a new bunny pet and love her. Their sleep…. Ugh. Naps are a fight. Bedtime is finally getting better again. And they sleep through the night more often than not. But man, it was HORRIBLE for like 2 months. It prevented us from moving them into the same room again. We are hoping to get them into the same room soon.
I guess that’s about it for me. Please, no judgy comments. I won’t, and don’t have to, tolerate it. Safe spaces and all that.