Her Version vs My (Correct) Version

CAITLYN SAYS:  She didn’t have a say as to what house we rented for our weekend in Niagara.

TRUTH:  As a group, it was decided an AirBnB would make more sense than a hotel.  I then researched dozens of options.  I took her suggested home and 3 of the ones that I thought would be good candidates and created a Facebook voting poll for our group message thread.  The others ladies, myself, AND Caitlyn unanimously voted for the house we all liked the best based on price, number of beds, and location.

 

CAITLYN SAYS:  Any time she suggested an activity, she was brushed aside and no one listened to her.

TRUTH:  Caitlyn thought it would be fun to go to a water park and rent a cabana.  I called the location and got prices and posted the information in our message thread.  Caitlyn mentioned a tribute band playing the night we arrived.  In the message thread, I agreed to the concert while a couple of ladies said that they wouldn’t be there in time, but to go ahead.

 

CAITLYN SAYS:  I changed plans multiple times.  I wanted to go to the haunted house, so we did.  I changed dinner plans in order to have my piercing done.  Again, she didn’t have a say in anything, I just got my way.

TRUTH:  We went downtown as a group when that was not necessary.  I wanted to go to the haunted house and said that A) not everyone had to come and B) I was also willing to cancel that idea.  Caitlyn did not even go to the haunted house.  But she did want to go down to the falls, so we did.

I decided to have my nipple pierced, which was something I had been talking about during the whole planning process of this trip.  I left to go and have this done at 4PM.  I was back by 5PM after going to the grocery store to get soda – for Caitlyn.  I went to have a little nap (as did she!) and when I came out, she was still gone and had told everyone that she didn’t want to go to dinner.

 

CAITLYN SAYS:  She was the one to find the other half of our group while all I did was complain.  She then navigated us through the casino to a restaurant and then out and to the nightclub.

TRUTH:  She found the other half of the group because she is a control freak who was uninterested in waiting for instructions as to where they were.  I waited until we knew where we were going.  And yes, my killer sexy heels were killing my feet as we walked all the way across the planet in the freezing cold at maximum speed.  I don’t know about the casino thing, but ok.  As for the restaurant – SHE DIDN’T WANT DINNER!!  And I specifically said I was not hungry.  So fuck off – she wanted to eat.  We went to the club as a group and I don’t know who was leading.  I was probably whining and complaining the whole way there.  I know I was mad as we passed the club I wanted to go to the in first place.

 

CAITLYN SAYS:  For the first hour at the club, she was the only one dancing.  She was there “for hours” and was assaulted twice before deciding to go home.  She then noticed that this club was close to the AirBnB she had suggested and was mad cause she could have walked back alone instead of needing an uber.

TRUTH:  She was miserable and we all knew it.  The thing is this:  I told her she didn’t have to come because I knew it wasn’t her thing and I was ok with that.  I personally wanted to dance and had said this to the group weeks before we even went on this weekend trip.  Regarding the assaults… that really has nothing to do with me.  First of all, I didn’t even know it had happened.  Secondly, I didn’t want to go to this club.  The club that someone told us that the American guys are particularly aggressive at, but everyone insisted would be fine.  More to that next.  And the AirBnB – well we went over that already.

 

CAITLYN SAYS:  She needed to go and buy clothes she didn’t want or need so that we could go out to the club I was forcing us all to go to.

TRUTH:  Part One:  1.  Months in advance, I inform everyone that I want to go dancing, but if it’s not your thing, no worries, I can go alone.  This is the only thing that I really wanted to do over the weekend, so I was going to go, with or without people.  2.  I put our names on the guest list at Club A.  I tell the group.  3.  The morning we are leaving, I show everyone in the FB thread the dress I am bringing to go out clubbing to.  We drove up together and the entire time we are talking about dancing and getting dressed up.  4.  Saturday morning, I tell everyone that the club sent the dress code.  Caitlyn says that she doesn’t have anything to wear to the club.  She says that she will go to value village and buy something.  5.  She got dressed with everyone, she even let everyone do her hair and makeup.

Part Two:  I picked Club A because no one else cared where we went – until Saturday afternoon, AFTER I went to have my piercing.  I came out of the bathroom and everyone was talking about instead going to Club B because there was no cover charge… even though we were informed the crowd of guys were known for being pushy.  Not my choice, but what the group decided.

 

CAITLYN SAYS:  She messaged the group about going to another club/bar that had food and maybe dancing.  Or we could just all go home.  The 3 of them went home and apparently one of them received a message that the 3 of us were also coming home.  She then ordered pizza and went to the balcony.

TRUTH:  I informed everyone before we left to go to the casino/club that my phone was almost dead.  Stupid, I know, but I forgot to charge it.  Anyway, I did not get that message.  One of the girls I was with didn’t even look at her phone, and the last one just said we should go home.  I agreed because… why the fuck would we leave one club to go to another?

 

CAITLYN SAYS:  I called her and the other two “bitches”.

TRUTH:  Yes.  I said “We came home and these bitches aren’t even here.”  All the lights were off, it was quiet, and I had just been told that they found a different bar.  I was annoyed and very, very drunk.

 

CAITLYN SAYS:  She was pissed but kept a smile on her face the whole time.

TRUTH:  She didn’t talk to anyone, she stayed on her phone, she declined to play the group card game to instead sit alone, she then went to bed without much more than a “Goodnight”.  We knew she was pissed off.

 

CAITLYN SAYS:  We ditched her and abandoned her with no food on Sunday morning.

TRUTH:  This part bugs me so much.  I got up in the morning, still a bit tipsy.  We needed to check out at 11AM.  I started packing my crap when it was mentioned that I could drive back in Car B with my bestie and Allie so that we could get me home a little faster and they could see my daughters before they went for a nap (my BEST friend wanted to see her “nieces” because she’d gotten them gifts and hadn’t seen the girls in a year).  There was also freezing rain in Ottawa, where my bestie and A live, so they wanted to get on the road.  I mentioned this to the other two ladies who drove up with Caitlyn and I, and they didn’t see a problem.  Sara was bunking with Caitlyn and she was going to wake her up, but felt bad.  We all then started bringing our bags and shit downstairs, I got in the car and left.  As for the food – 1.  I bought all of that fucking food.  2.  I know I left the bananas, cause Sara wanted them.  3. SHE’S A FUCKING ADULT.

 

CAITLYN SAYS:  We should have woken her up.

TRUTH:  Maybe.  But since she is my neighbour, pretty much (yep, awkward), I didn’t think we needed to have some long, drawn out goodbye.  And since she doesn’t know my bestie and A overly well, we didn’t think she would care either way.  The other two ladies didn’t think it was a problem to just leave, and neither did we.  5 out of 6 people said it was alright to go home, we really didn’t think that we were doing anything wrong.  She then made a comment about the cleaner being the one to wake her up, but… there were two other people there!  Why would waking her up be my job??

 

CAITLYN SAYS:  I didn’t have the balls to call her on Sunday after she texted me to say she was pissed.

TRUTH:  SHE TEXTED ME FIRST.  I then apologized 3 times and she replied with “Thanks”.  I tried to speak with her many times and was shut out.  It was 3 weeks later when I AGAIN reached out to her to see if she wanted to meet.  I text because no one calls anyone anymore, she wouldn’t have answered anyway, and I am busy and don’t want to call her.  If she can give me the silent treatment then she can deal with me texting instead of calling.

 

 

OK, now that I got that out, I feel a bit better.

Honestly, she twisted every little thing to make it my fault.  My husband says that she was just mad and I was her punching bag, she was “projecting”.  And maybe that is the case, but it’s so totally uncalled for.  I am no one’s punching bag – NO ONE.

I have therapy tomorrow… and I’m fairly certain this will be the thing we chat about for the whole hour.  I’m writing to try and get it all off of my heart and out of my brain.  I have been talking to Cody about it, but I don’t want to burden him either.  He and Caitlyn’s husband are good friends.  So, I’ll talk with my therapist tomorrow and then maybe put most of this to bed.

Hopefully.

 

beanie

 

ps – to clarify the assaults:  A female had “hit on” Caitlyn and felt her up; someone elbowed her in the ribs.

I take sexual assault and violence against women very seriously.  Had Caitlyn told me what happened, of course I would have been there to assist, report, whatever needed to happen.  But she did not tell me.

And I hate to say it, but… in a packed club, people get elbowed.  Generally it’s accidental.  Not always, but sometimes.  Once again, had I known, I would have done what I could to help!

Whether You Like It or Not

 

Dear Beanie, whether you like it or not, you will continue to experience the Metformin Woes.  YOU decided to stop the meds in anger, therefore you will suffer the consequences.  Rest assured it should only last a couple of days.

Silly Beanie – whether you like it or not, you are experiencing acne and will continue to do so.  Yes, the Bioderma is a little expensive.  However, Spectro Gel is NOT an adequate replacement.  Take care of your skin, girlie.  And remember – pregnancy will likely make it worse.

Beanie, whether you like it or not, you will be hungry during this diet.  You won’t starve.  And remember – supper was amazing last night! (Recipe and picture below).

Oh Beanie, whether you like it or not, you have to walk 5000 steps a day.  It will get worse, though, as 5000 will turn to 10 000.  You can do it.

B, this one is hard.  Whether you like it or not, you have fertile friends.  These friends will give bad advice, be inconsiderate, and will continuously be oblivious to your situation.  They are not bad people.  They will go on to have children, who you will meet.  Meeting new baby Alvin will be scary… but remember how much you love fresh babies.  You will survive, it will make your determination to fight this fight stronger than ever.

Beanie, whether you like it or not, you are fertility challenged.  There might be a blessing in disguise, or it might be bad luck.  Either way, you’re strong and stubborn, determined and committed.  Starting a new cycle sucks, miscarriage sucks, spending so much money on a chance sucks.  That baby you will birth will be a cute, adorable, mini-version of Cody and will be worth all of the tears and more.

Beanie and Cody, whether you like it or not, the pet fish will stink.  The cats already do!  Welcome to pet-parenthood.  You baby might smell worse.  Note:  this is also not new information.

 

*************************************************

Friends, I started my diet/exercise program yesterday!  My trainers kicked my ass.  My muscles are sore, I’m looking forward to my snack, and I’m peeing a lot because of my increased water.  I sound like I’m complaining – but I’m not.  I’m actually really happy to be doing this!

Last night, when I read that my meal plan (which I got to pick!) included only 2/3 cup of WHOLE WHEAT pasta, I wanted to cry.  Turns out it was a perfectly fine portion and I’m just a glutton.  Here’s how the pasta turned out:

food

Cody made me put a pen beside the bowl in case (and I quote) “They think we have comically large bowls.”

It really was an amazing sauce!  Here’s the recipe.  If you want, I guess you could sub out the shrimp for chicken or something.  I will leave it the exact same next time!!

Pasta w/ Shrimp & Creamy Tomato Sauce

Total Time 30 minutes; Calories per serving 414 (probably a little less since I didn’t make the green beans that went with this)

Ingredients (this is for ONE person.  Double ingredients if you want to make for more than one person.  I tripled them so Cody ate two portions instead of one bitty portion)

  • 1 ozSpaghetti, whole wheat, dry
  • 6 ozShrimp, raw
  • 1 ozTomato sauce, canned, meatless, no salt added
  • 3 1/2 ozGreen beans, raw
  • 1/2 ozMushrooms
  • 1/4 med (2-1/2 inch)Onions, raw
  • 1 ozCheese, ricotta, part skim
  • 1/2 tsp(s)Olive Oil
  • 1/2 TbspPesto Sauce

INSTRUCTIONS

Bring a large pot of water to a boil. Add pasta and cook for 8 to 10 minutes or until al dente. Drain pasta. 2. Warm olive oil in a nonstick skillet over medium heat . Add shrimp and cook, turning once. Add tomato sauce, ricotta cheese, and pesto. 3. In a separate pan, sauté mushrooms and onions and add to mixture. 4. Place a steamer insert in a saucepan and fill with water to just below the bottom of the steamer. Cover and bring water to a boil. Place green beans in steamer insert and cover. Steam for about 5 minutes or until tender. 5. Serve mixture over spaghetti with green beans on the side.

Tip: 1 oz  Spaghetti dry = 1/3 cup dry & 2/3 cup cooked; 1 oz Ricotta = 2 tbsp; 3 1/2 oz Green Beans = 1 cup; 1/2 oz Mushrooms = 1/4 cup; 1 oz Tomato Sauce = 1/8  cup.

 

Enjoy!

beanie

 

Seeing Red

IUI #6 was successful, in a way, and unfortunately ended in a chemical pregnancy.  That gives me 1 miscarriage and two chemicals under my belt, all within ONE YEAR.  This also now groups me into the recurring pregnancy loss (RPL) category at my clinic.  This means I will likely now be allowed to receive further testing.  Except that they do not have an hcg number for this cycle, so they might not even count this loss as a loss.  As far as they are concerned, it was just a plain ole regular BFN.

Not to me. 

On Friday, my tests were still positive, probably the same color and “strength” as the day before.  Saturday the line was faded to almost gone.  This morning there was no line and I started spotting.

What can I do?  I cry.  I get mad at myself.  I apologize to my husband, to our babies.  I binge watch Netflix.  I snuggle the kitten.  I buy fish, apparently*.  I keep moving.  There is nothing else I can do but keep moving forward.

I will be seeing my RE on Thursday.  Aside from sitting in a room with him, I don’t know what will happen.  I plan to demand a few tests – but whether they will do these tests, I’m not sure.  If they don’t want to, then they really don’t want me as their patient.  I WILL find another clinic.

This sucks.  Infertility sucks.  Trying to conceive sucks.  PCOS sucks.  Fading positive lines on your pregnancy tests suck. 

You people are awesome, though.  So there’s that positive note.  If any of you would like to email some cute cat pictures my way, it might make this Monday better.  Maybe not the entire situation, but maybe just a moment in this shitty day.

 

beanie

* When I say “I buy fish”, I mean of the pet variety.  Also – I didn’t know that fish were so complicated!  Eventually I’ll post the new additions to my mostly animal family.

Calling All Pen Pals

We’re all friends, right?

I’d recently read on one of your fantastic blogs that once upon a time, a few infertility-warriors were creating a list of some sort so we could all get to know each other outside of WordPress.  I haven’t since read anything, but in light of my terrible day, I’ve decided that this is a really good idea!

Please forgive me if this list is actually available somewhere… I don’t know where it is, but I’d love to be a part of it.

Now, I’m not necessarily thinking I need to be the one to spear-head this thing.  So here’s what I’m thinking.  If you want to be a part of this pen-pal opportunity, please comment with your email address.  Eventually, I’ll take all of the comments I receive, send out a group email, and I hope it continues from there.  Also, feel free to re-blog this so that it is hopefully seen by all of us.  If you re-blog this, please also collect your comment list/emails and connect via email.  The hope is that we all end up with each others email info.  Or something close to that, haha.

I am very much open to a more successful, ingenious suggestion, though.  There is likely a more efficient way to become email buddies.

 

To start this thing off, here’s my brand-spanking new fertility related email!

babybrainsansbaby@gmail.com

 

I mean, seriously.  Who doesn’t want someone in their corner while they fight this fight?

 

beanie

 

PS – Please don’t use my email to sign up for porn sites 😉

Silver Lining

Sorry, people.  I don’t like to post too much, but I forgot about my epiphany! 

 

Last night, when trying to gear myself up for the inevitable needle that was to be stuck into my upper ass cheek, I messaged my nurse friend, Christine.  I was scared about Cody giving me this shot since we hadn’t done it in a long time.  Besides – why have a nurse friend if they can’t give you tips on how best to stab yourself in the ass?  She gave me a few tips and even offered to give the shot to me, and we then went on to have a short little conversation, ending with plans to get together.

Christine and I haven’t talked much over the last few months.  In all honesty, I’ve avoided her like the plague.  She’s pregnant and really doesn’t like to talk about anything but herself.  Also, she’s well into her 8th month now, and I fear that if I see her, she’s for sure going to go into labor.  Cause that would be my luck.  Christine is also a constant measuring stick or reminder of what I had and lost, since our due dates were about a month apart.

Anyway, I’m laying in bed and I suddenly came to a weird little realization.  I am on the PIO shots for a reason I didn’t even know.  Yes, it’s to boost my progesterone levels.  But maybe I was supposed to be nervous and reach out to Christine for help.  Maybe I needed this to not only help my physical health, but my emotional as well.

I need to move on.  I can’t be mad at people because they’re pregnant.  I can be mad when they’re self-centered or inconsiderate (as she definitely has been) – but I need to learn to let things go.  Life keeps going, and I have to as well.

Amazed, once again.

 

beanie

 

I Wish

For the woman starting her fertility journey:  I wish that yours isn’t a long road.  I wish that you never experience month after month of highs and lows.  I wish you never get used to seeing a negative pregnancy test result.  I wish that you remain blissfully unaware of just how hard this journey can be.

For the woman moving on to yet another step in her fertility journey:  I wish that this is your last new treatment.  I wish that you can still get happy and hopeful in your treatments.  I wish that you still have enough fight in you to keep trying.

To the woman ending her fertility journey:  I wish that you didn’t have to say it was the end of the road.  I wish that you’re actually able to find peace with your decision.  I wish that you don’t regret anything in life.  I wish (and hope and pray) that you don’t blame your partner and that you still hug, kiss, and make love with them.  I wish you don’t blame yourself even more.

To the woman who struggled and succeeds:  I wish that you know we’re happy for you.  I wish that you won’t forget your struggles and that this helps you to be empathetic with those who are still struggling.  I wish that you carry successfully and that you love your little baby with all of the love you have.

To the woman who didn’t struggle at all:  I wish you could understand what it is like to want something so bad and not get it.  I DON’T wish infertility on you.  I wish that you know what a great gift you’ve been given and that you never, ever, take for granted what a miracle you’ have.

For all of you wishing to be mothers:  I wish you get your Big Fat F*cking Positive!

For all of the husbands, wives, and partners:  I wish you know what amazing people you are.  I wish you understand how appreciated and loved you are.  I wish that you feel supported as well.  I wish that you know we couldn’t do it without you. 

For all of the future babies:  I wish that you’re loved and cherished your whole lives.

 

 

beanie