Grandpa

Tomorrow, my father in law will start chemotherapy.

I mentioned a few posts ago that he had been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.  He had Whipple Surgery a couple of weeks ago.  He will be starting chemo now… it seems like a fairly aggressive protocol, but I don’t really know.  He will be taking oral chemotherapy drugs and also on an IV of the drugs once a week for 3 weeks and 1 week “break”, for about 6 months.

I am afraid to watch him deteriorate.  I’m keeping it in – my husband is optimistic and I don’t want to ruin that for him.  His dad is amazingly strong, but I am so scared to watch the battle.

That is completely selfish and this is not about me. 

Of course I will be there for my husband, his dad, and the rest of our family in any way that I can be.  It’s still terrifying.

Faith.  Hope.  Love.

 

beanie

Why I Cry

I cry ALL.THE.TIME.

I cry for sad moments.  I cry when I’m mad. I cry when I’m happy.  I’ve even cried so that I could get what I wanted (both as a child AND as an adult).

I am notorious in my family for having been an awful child. In fact, I was often called “Shrieky” because I would always be yelling, crying, or squealing. One of my favorite stories goes something like this:
I was being babysat by my Aunt Carol, who decided to make me Mac & Cheese for lunch. After finishing my first bowl, I asked for another. My aunt found this unusual, but obliged. It wasn’t for a couple of days, but she and my uncle eventually discovered that I’d dumped BOTH bowls of Mac & Cheese in one of the heat radiators in the floor. I believe I was about 3 at the time.

I cry when Cody and I argue. Seriously, almost every time. I get so angry that eventually I can’t yell anymore so my tear ducts seem to take over.

I had a watery wedding. First, it was when I saw my Dad in his tux – he looked so handsome! Then, I cried when my Dad shook Cody’s hand as he left me at the top of the aisle, about to say “I Do”. Seeing the pure love in Cody’s eyes as I walked up to him got me choked up. I cried during our wedding vows. I cried during the receiving line. I cried during my ridiculous, awful wedding speech. Then I drank enough tequila that I danced the rest of the night away, laughing and being happy. I got into a limo with my closest friends and HUSBAND that night, headed to our hotel, and screamed “I’m now going to make a baby!”, before hopping out of the car and practically floating to my room.

I cried every single time a pet has died. I can tell you details of what happened and how I felt for all of them, including my first cat, Smokey, who was put down for a reason I’m still not entirely sure of. I was about 10 or 12 at the time and the night before he was euthanized I hugged him close and sobbed into his fur.

When my Auntie Janet died in 2013, I cried for days on end. She was the first person in my family who passed when I was old enough to understand (there’d been a couple of deaths in my family when I was a child and then nothing until my Auntie Janet). I never got to say goodbye. Not on the phone, not in person, not at her funeral. I plan to go up North and visit my family over Thanksgiving this year and hope to be able to visit my Auntie and say a real, proper goodbye.

I cried every single cycle of trying to get pregnant. I would cry when my follicles wouldn’t grow. I would cry when my hormones would surge. I would cry when I had to have a PIO shot to the ass. I would cry after every single negative test. I would cry and say I just could not do another cycle. I would then cry because the thought of stopping killed me. The night before heading to the clinic to start the new cycle brought the most tears.

Finding out I was pregnant with Bumble caused a lot of tears. I cried harder when I lost him. I cried from my belly with each of my miscarriages.

I cried in November when I found out I was pregnant again! I then proceeded to be terrified almost every single day since then. Some moments have been scarier than others, which has resulted in a lot of tears over the last (almost!) 8 months. I know I am going to cry when I meet my girlies face to face. I am going to bawl when Cody holds them and falls in love with those princesses. I am going to cry when they go to school, when they go on their first sleep over, when they have their hearts broken, and when they fall in love. I’m never going to stop crying.

Most of the above examples are fairly legitimate reasons for crying. However, to lighten this up a little, I thought I’d share a couple of my more ridiculous reasons for crying over the last few months.

1. I cried while watching Frozen. Specifically, it was the scene when Elsa sings “Let It Go”. Why? Because I was just so sad for her – she’d been locked away and miserable and now she just needed to run.

2. I cried while watching Friends… a lot. We recently decided to watch the series because it was on Netflix. I cried when Rachel got pregnant. I cried when Phoebe got married. I cried when Monica and Chandler brought the babies home. I cried when Joey and Chandler hugged goodbye.

3. I cried when I saw a cat outside on a semi-cold night. When I asked my husband to pull over so I could catch the cat and bring him/her in, he explained to me – LIKE I WAS A CHILD – that the cat probably already had a home, with people who loved him/her and would miss the cat. I got upset because the pet owners MUST be sadistic bastards for leaving the cat out at night, when it’s cold.

4. I cried when my BFF bought our babies little blankets with sheep on them.

5. I cried over getting pregnancy acne. More than once.

AND HERE’S THE LATEST AND GREATEST!

I was cleaning my bathroom (enough to make me want to cry) and came across a spider while sweeping. I didn’t dare to squish it because my boss once told me that it would be bad karma to kill anything living. So, I called my cat over, showed him the spider, and let nature take it’s course. As I watched my Toby-Bear bat the stupid spider around and then eat it, I started to get teary eyed. I’d just sentenced that little spider to death. I hired a hit man and let that innocent little spider be killed by my cat. I felt terrible then, and 4 days later, I still feel awful.

Seriously. Over a spider.

beanie

A Case of Mild Dentophobia

2007 – I’m sitting (more like being restrained) in a dentists chair getting a root canal.  Everyone told me that it was going to be fine, not to worry, and that at the end of it all, I’d feel relieved with no more pain.  THEY. WERE. WRONG.  The dentist did the procedure while there was still infection present, which caused recovery to just plain suck.  The back of my tooth cracked as well, and he didn’t fix it.  When I complained and went back to the office, one of the receptionists was rude to me and didn’t take my pain seriously.  I should have been brought back in right away as an emergency… she made me wait a week.  I was so upset about it that I didn’t go back to the dentist for almost 3 years.

2010 – I see another dentist.  He’s ok, but I moved in with Cody, a few cities over, so I drop the dentist like a hot potato. 

2011 – I go to Cody’s dentist. Cody had been seeing the same dentist since he was a kid and seemed happy.  I sit in the chair and what do you know???  Terrible hygienist who puts me through torture and pain.  I again boycott the dentist for 2 years.

2013 – I cracked my root canal tooth.  It’s nothing big… after all, there is no longer a nerve in there.  But my tongue does not like being scratched.  I go back to Cody’s dentist because, well just because the hygienist was sadistic, the dentist was very nice.  They wanted to do x-rays, but I was in the 2WW, so I told them I might be pregnant and couldn’t.  I then talked directly to the dentist and told him that Cody and I are going through fertility treatments, so I’m not sure when I can do the x-rays.  He is ok with this and says that he’ll put a temporary crown on the tooth and when we’re “x-ray available”, pick up where were left off, in terms of dental work needed.

A few days ago, it was time to have this temp crown put on.  I am sitting there, everything is clenched and I’m waiting for the pain.  It’s inevitable, after all.  The hygienist I have this time is asking me why I’m getting a temporary crown and not the permanent.  She then starts asking me why I’m not have any other work done and why we don’t have x-rays.  I proceed to tell her that I’m trying to get pregnant and the dentist suggested that we don’t do anything else until I’ve given birth.  She doesn’t get it… but she pretends.  Genius Georgina then leaves for 10 minutes and comes back.  She tells me that she clarified with the doctor that we’re going to do a temporary crown for now and that we won’t be doing x-rays until fertility treatments are complete.  Ummm… yes.  How is that different from what I already told you?  Then she says this:

“When will you be finished fertility treatments?”

I stared are her and after a second shrugged my shoulders.  Your guess is as good as mine, honey.  That’s the thing with fertility treatments:  you just never know.  Anything.

 

beanie