Grandpa

Tomorrow, my father in law will start chemotherapy.

I mentioned a few posts ago that he had been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.  He had Whipple Surgery a couple of weeks ago.  He will be starting chemo now… it seems like a fairly aggressive protocol, but I don’t really know.  He will be taking oral chemotherapy drugs and also on an IV of the drugs once a week for 3 weeks and 1 week “break”, for about 6 months.

I am afraid to watch him deteriorate.  I’m keeping it in – my husband is optimistic and I don’t want to ruin that for him.  His dad is amazingly strong, but I am so scared to watch the battle.

That is completely selfish and this is not about me. 

Of course I will be there for my husband, his dad, and the rest of our family in any way that I can be.  It’s still terrifying.

Faith.  Hope.  Love.

 

beanie

Her Version vs My (Correct) Version

CAITLYN SAYS:  She didn’t have a say as to what house we rented for our weekend in Niagara.

TRUTH:  As a group, it was decided an AirBnB would make more sense than a hotel.  I then researched dozens of options.  I took her suggested home and 3 of the ones that I thought would be good candidates and created a Facebook voting poll for our group message thread.  The others ladies, myself, AND Caitlyn unanimously voted for the house we all liked the best based on price, number of beds, and location.

 

CAITLYN SAYS:  Any time she suggested an activity, she was brushed aside and no one listened to her.

TRUTH:  Caitlyn thought it would be fun to go to a water park and rent a cabana.  I called the location and got prices and posted the information in our message thread.  Caitlyn mentioned a tribute band playing the night we arrived.  In the message thread, I agreed to the concert while a couple of ladies said that they wouldn’t be there in time, but to go ahead.

 

CAITLYN SAYS:  I changed plans multiple times.  I wanted to go to the haunted house, so we did.  I changed dinner plans in order to have my piercing done.  Again, she didn’t have a say in anything, I just got my way.

TRUTH:  We went downtown as a group when that was not necessary.  I wanted to go to the haunted house and said that A) not everyone had to come and B) I was also willing to cancel that idea.  Caitlyn did not even go to the haunted house.  But she did want to go down to the falls, so we did.

I decided to have my nipple pierced, which was something I had been talking about during the whole planning process of this trip.  I left to go and have this done at 4PM.  I was back by 5PM after going to the grocery store to get soda – for Caitlyn.  I went to have a little nap (as did she!) and when I came out, she was still gone and had told everyone that she didn’t want to go to dinner.

 

CAITLYN SAYS:  She was the one to find the other half of our group while all I did was complain.  She then navigated us through the casino to a restaurant and then out and to the nightclub.

TRUTH:  She found the other half of the group because she is a control freak who was uninterested in waiting for instructions as to where they were.  I waited until we knew where we were going.  And yes, my killer sexy heels were killing my feet as we walked all the way across the planet in the freezing cold at maximum speed.  I don’t know about the casino thing, but ok.  As for the restaurant – SHE DIDN’T WANT DINNER!!  And I specifically said I was not hungry.  So fuck off – she wanted to eat.  We went to the club as a group and I don’t know who was leading.  I was probably whining and complaining the whole way there.  I know I was mad as we passed the club I wanted to go to the in first place.

 

CAITLYN SAYS:  For the first hour at the club, she was the only one dancing.  She was there “for hours” and was assaulted twice before deciding to go home.  She then noticed that this club was close to the AirBnB she had suggested and was mad cause she could have walked back alone instead of needing an uber.

TRUTH:  She was miserable and we all knew it.  The thing is this:  I told her she didn’t have to come because I knew it wasn’t her thing and I was ok with that.  I personally wanted to dance and had said this to the group weeks before we even went on this weekend trip.  Regarding the assaults… that really has nothing to do with me.  First of all, I didn’t even know it had happened.  Secondly, I didn’t want to go to this club.  The club that someone told us that the American guys are particularly aggressive at, but everyone insisted would be fine.  More to that next.  And the AirBnB – well we went over that already.

 

CAITLYN SAYS:  She needed to go and buy clothes she didn’t want or need so that we could go out to the club I was forcing us all to go to.

TRUTH:  Part One:  1.  Months in advance, I inform everyone that I want to go dancing, but if it’s not your thing, no worries, I can go alone.  This is the only thing that I really wanted to do over the weekend, so I was going to go, with or without people.  2.  I put our names on the guest list at Club A.  I tell the group.  3.  The morning we are leaving, I show everyone in the FB thread the dress I am bringing to go out clubbing to.  We drove up together and the entire time we are talking about dancing and getting dressed up.  4.  Saturday morning, I tell everyone that the club sent the dress code.  Caitlyn says that she doesn’t have anything to wear to the club.  She says that she will go to value village and buy something.  5.  She got dressed with everyone, she even let everyone do her hair and makeup.

Part Two:  I picked Club A because no one else cared where we went – until Saturday afternoon, AFTER I went to have my piercing.  I came out of the bathroom and everyone was talking about instead going to Club B because there was no cover charge… even though we were informed the crowd of guys were known for being pushy.  Not my choice, but what the group decided.

 

CAITLYN SAYS:  She messaged the group about going to another club/bar that had food and maybe dancing.  Or we could just all go home.  The 3 of them went home and apparently one of them received a message that the 3 of us were also coming home.  She then ordered pizza and went to the balcony.

TRUTH:  I informed everyone before we left to go to the casino/club that my phone was almost dead.  Stupid, I know, but I forgot to charge it.  Anyway, I did not get that message.  One of the girls I was with didn’t even look at her phone, and the last one just said we should go home.  I agreed because… why the fuck would we leave one club to go to another?

 

CAITLYN SAYS:  I called her and the other two “bitches”.

TRUTH:  Yes.  I said “We came home and these bitches aren’t even here.”  All the lights were off, it was quiet, and I had just been told that they found a different bar.  I was annoyed and very, very drunk.

 

CAITLYN SAYS:  She was pissed but kept a smile on her face the whole time.

TRUTH:  She didn’t talk to anyone, she stayed on her phone, she declined to play the group card game to instead sit alone, she then went to bed without much more than a “Goodnight”.  We knew she was pissed off.

 

CAITLYN SAYS:  We ditched her and abandoned her with no food on Sunday morning.

TRUTH:  This part bugs me so much.  I got up in the morning, still a bit tipsy.  We needed to check out at 11AM.  I started packing my crap when it was mentioned that I could drive back in Car B with my bestie and Allie so that we could get me home a little faster and they could see my daughters before they went for a nap (my BEST friend wanted to see her “nieces” because she’d gotten them gifts and hadn’t seen the girls in a year).  There was also freezing rain in Ottawa, where my bestie and A live, so they wanted to get on the road.  I mentioned this to the other two ladies who drove up with Caitlyn and I, and they didn’t see a problem.  Sara was bunking with Caitlyn and she was going to wake her up, but felt bad.  We all then started bringing our bags and shit downstairs, I got in the car and left.  As for the food – 1.  I bought all of that fucking food.  2.  I know I left the bananas, cause Sara wanted them.  3. SHE’S A FUCKING ADULT.

 

CAITLYN SAYS:  We should have woken her up.

TRUTH:  Maybe.  But since she is my neighbour, pretty much (yep, awkward), I didn’t think we needed to have some long, drawn out goodbye.  And since she doesn’t know my bestie and A overly well, we didn’t think she would care either way.  The other two ladies didn’t think it was a problem to just leave, and neither did we.  5 out of 6 people said it was alright to go home, we really didn’t think that we were doing anything wrong.  She then made a comment about the cleaner being the one to wake her up, but… there were two other people there!  Why would waking her up be my job??

 

CAITLYN SAYS:  I didn’t have the balls to call her on Sunday after she texted me to say she was pissed.

TRUTH:  SHE TEXTED ME FIRST.  I then apologized 3 times and she replied with “Thanks”.  I tried to speak with her many times and was shut out.  It was 3 weeks later when I AGAIN reached out to her to see if she wanted to meet.  I text because no one calls anyone anymore, she wouldn’t have answered anyway, and I am busy and don’t want to call her.  If she can give me the silent treatment then she can deal with me texting instead of calling.

 

 

OK, now that I got that out, I feel a bit better.

Honestly, she twisted every little thing to make it my fault.  My husband says that she was just mad and I was her punching bag, she was “projecting”.  And maybe that is the case, but it’s so totally uncalled for.  I am no one’s punching bag – NO ONE.

I have therapy tomorrow… and I’m fairly certain this will be the thing we chat about for the whole hour.  I’m writing to try and get it all off of my heart and out of my brain.  I have been talking to Cody about it, but I don’t want to burden him either.  He and Caitlyn’s husband are good friends.  So, I’ll talk with my therapist tomorrow and then maybe put most of this to bed.

Hopefully.

 

beanie

 

ps – to clarify the assaults:  A female had “hit on” Caitlyn and felt her up; someone elbowed her in the ribs.

I take sexual assault and violence against women very seriously.  Had Caitlyn told me what happened, of course I would have been there to assist, report, whatever needed to happen.  But she did not tell me.

And I hate to say it, but… in a packed club, people get elbowed.  Generally it’s accidental.  Not always, but sometimes.  Once again, had I known, I would have done what I could to help!

Current State

Paw Patrol is playing in the background right now.  I can’t stand this show.  I really can’t.  It’s doesn’t teach anything.  Maybe distracted driving, and that’s about it.  But, I’m letting the kids watch it… I don’t care today.

My brother has started calling me.  It’s been 1 minute and he’s called twice.  Let’s see how many times he calls by the time I’m finished this post.

Anyway, my tank is empty.  It’s so empty, it feels like the needle is below the E.  And I just don’t even know how to fill it back up.

I’m a stay at home mom… I can’t be “empty”.  But… I’m just so drained.  I’m exhausted, physically.  I went to bed before 10PM and was up a little after 8AM, no interruptions… and still, I’m tired.  I am feeling so impatient with the girls.  I’ve snapped at them, I’ve gotten frustrated cause they’re whiny, or fighting, or wanting to lay all over me again.  I knew that being a mom meant giving your everything to them – and I have.  They literally have every ounce of me, but there is nothing left to give.  Then what?

We visited my father in law yesterday.  He looks terrible.  I am trying to be optimistic, but the stats do not support it.  It’s grim, and that’s the reality.  And pretending otherwise is what I my husband and his family want right now, but it’s exhausting me.  Still, I do it for them.

My FIL and Apple always had an amazing bond, from the beginning.  Yesterday, she stayed close to grandpa.  She sat with him watching tv, she brought and shared cookies with him, and then made him share his gelato with her.  Nothing made either of them happier than being together.

…So in a few weeks, months, hopefully years – what the hell do I tell her when she is looking for grandpa and he’s not there, never will be again?

I am able to recognize that I am not coping well.  I am seeing a new, much more helpful therapist.  I have a doctors appointment to discuss increasing my antidepressants.  I am using the medical cannabis as I should be… And still, I’m just empty.

My parents are of no help.  None.  All they tell me is to take care of the girls and think positive.  Oh how I wish it was that easy.

I know the depression is getting bad.  I need a lot of sleep, I am turning angry very easily, I have no desire or ability to do my job as a mom and wife.  I am letting my girls watch tv all day.  I make the very most basic lunch and then put them for a nap, and I also nap during that time.  I wake up and “take a break” while hubs deals with the girls.  I rarely cook dinner, I’m letting him do it.  Then I go through the motions until bed time… I get the girls down and then I smoke a joint and go to bed.  It’s not healthy.

Even if I could just perk up and be super mom again, I have my brother calling and texting me constantly.  He keeps giving me sob stories about this and that and whatever… I can’t listen.  I know he’s manipulating me.  I can’t stand it.  How can he treat me like that??  So my stress level shoots through the roof again.

How much can one person handle?  I need to get away from everyone, no phone, nothing.  Just be alone for a day.

I know I can get through all of this.  I can.  I have before.  But seriously, I am ready to be given a break.  Anytime.

 

So this is the end of the post.  It took me 20 minutes to write.  My brother has called me 4 times and texted once.  In 20 fucking minutes.  Lovely.

 

 

beanie

 

While adding the tags to this post, brother dearest called 2 more times.  Time to block his calls.

Scarred

I just lost it.  Like, flipped the fuck out, yelled, and cussed someone out.  Surprisingly, it was not my husband.  This time I freaked out on my little brother.  

Apparently his “wife” “might” be pregnant.  I know what you’re thinking: and yes, there are a lot of quotations.

“Wife” – it’s not legal.  They hired a minister, they invited some people, but they didn’t sign a marriage license BECAUSE THEY DIDNT REMEMBER TO GET ONE IN TIME.  

“Might” – he doesn’t know.  She didn’t take a pregnancy test, she went to the doctor and they needed to send her results away…???  She got a call from them and my brother said he didn’t care why they called and thought it was weird they changed her appointment from a physical to a “prenup”.  Yes, people, I had to correct him and tell him it was a mother effing PRENATAL.

I asked him if she is still smoking: yes.  

And then I lost it.  

Here’s a list of reasons they shouldn’t be having kids:

  • Neither of them have jobs.  My brother is on disability because he has UNCONTROLLED grand mal seizures.  Her, I have no fucking clue.
  • They live in a house with at least 5 other people they don’t get along with
  • THEY HAVE BED BUGS.  Enough that they come out into the lightand you can see them on the walls.  Do you think an infant should be exposed to that?!
  • She has two children already.  However, she’s been proven unfit to care for them.  Even if she’s changed and could care for this new baby, she obviously doesn’t seem to give a Damn about the other two cause she isn’t trying to get custody…. 
  • They can’t pay their hydro.  They can’t buy groceries.  They can’t even buy a pregnancy test from the DOLLAR STORE.  Obviously, she isn’t taking any prenatal vitamins.  
  • My brother has a very bad temper.  I won’t elaborate on that 

So I got mad at my brother.  I gave him this list of reasons why they shouldn’t have been so stupid.  I hung up and I cried.  

Cause Cody and I want to have more babies.  And Cody and I probably cant.  I made lifestyle changes BEFORE getting pregnant, we were financially secure prior to getting pregnant (still are).  We have a clean house, food, and an abundance of love.  And still, we had to struggle, miscarry, and struggle some more before we were blessed with Apple and Banana.  

It’s not fair.  I know that is so juvenile, but it is.  

Infertility still hurts.  I may have two amazing little girls, but I haven’t forgotten what it took to conceive them, grow them, and finally, FINALLY bring them home.  

I never will.  

My scars are deep.

beanie

Teddy Bear Picnic

That was the theme for my girls’ first birthday party.  And it happened by accident.

Cody and I decided to rent a gazebo at one of our provincial parks.  We rented this before we had a theme… And really, I didn’t even think we needed a theme!  I mean, come on…. Its a birthday party.  Anyway, we rented the gazebo and were forced into hijacking everyone’s Father’s Day.  We took Mother’s Day from everyone (they were baptised on mother’s day), so when there was no other day available at the park except for Father’s Day, we just went with it. 

We decided that having the party at the park was good for a few reasons…. 1 – our house is small and 121 people were invited.  2 – it’s summer, and being outside is nice.  3 – the park is right on Lake Ontario, so everyone could play at the beach, if they were so inclined.

One of my sister in laws suggested the teddy bear picnic theme since we were going to be outside.  Once it was put in my head, I embraced the idea and ran with it!  Invitations, “chalkboards”, decorations, even their cupcakes!  All teddy bears!  It was perfect.

The weather was amazing that day as well.  Hot, but there was a good breeze. 

We had so much food, and the girls really enjoyed themselves.  I was worried that we would be in for a horrendous bedtime since they missed their afternoon nap, but they were so good! 

This last year has flown by so fast.  I cannot believe Apple and Banana are a year old.  I can’t believe how big they are, how smart they are, how completely perfect they are.  I don’t know how I ever lived without them.

And now they are awake from their naps, so I gotta go.  Its also the day of their one year shots and I have anxiety about it.  I just hate when they cry, but it’s for the greater good.  

beanie

Why I Cry

I cry ALL.THE.TIME.

I cry for sad moments.  I cry when I’m mad. I cry when I’m happy.  I’ve even cried so that I could get what I wanted (both as a child AND as an adult).

I am notorious in my family for having been an awful child. In fact, I was often called “Shrieky” because I would always be yelling, crying, or squealing. One of my favorite stories goes something like this:
I was being babysat by my Aunt Carol, who decided to make me Mac & Cheese for lunch. After finishing my first bowl, I asked for another. My aunt found this unusual, but obliged. It wasn’t for a couple of days, but she and my uncle eventually discovered that I’d dumped BOTH bowls of Mac & Cheese in one of the heat radiators in the floor. I believe I was about 3 at the time.

I cry when Cody and I argue. Seriously, almost every time. I get so angry that eventually I can’t yell anymore so my tear ducts seem to take over.

I had a watery wedding. First, it was when I saw my Dad in his tux – he looked so handsome! Then, I cried when my Dad shook Cody’s hand as he left me at the top of the aisle, about to say “I Do”. Seeing the pure love in Cody’s eyes as I walked up to him got me choked up. I cried during our wedding vows. I cried during the receiving line. I cried during my ridiculous, awful wedding speech. Then I drank enough tequila that I danced the rest of the night away, laughing and being happy. I got into a limo with my closest friends and HUSBAND that night, headed to our hotel, and screamed “I’m now going to make a baby!”, before hopping out of the car and practically floating to my room.

I cried every single time a pet has died. I can tell you details of what happened and how I felt for all of them, including my first cat, Smokey, who was put down for a reason I’m still not entirely sure of. I was about 10 or 12 at the time and the night before he was euthanized I hugged him close and sobbed into his fur.

When my Auntie Janet died in 2013, I cried for days on end. She was the first person in my family who passed when I was old enough to understand (there’d been a couple of deaths in my family when I was a child and then nothing until my Auntie Janet). I never got to say goodbye. Not on the phone, not in person, not at her funeral. I plan to go up North and visit my family over Thanksgiving this year and hope to be able to visit my Auntie and say a real, proper goodbye.

I cried every single cycle of trying to get pregnant. I would cry when my follicles wouldn’t grow. I would cry when my hormones would surge. I would cry when I had to have a PIO shot to the ass. I would cry after every single negative test. I would cry and say I just could not do another cycle. I would then cry because the thought of stopping killed me. The night before heading to the clinic to start the new cycle brought the most tears.

Finding out I was pregnant with Bumble caused a lot of tears. I cried harder when I lost him. I cried from my belly with each of my miscarriages.

I cried in November when I found out I was pregnant again! I then proceeded to be terrified almost every single day since then. Some moments have been scarier than others, which has resulted in a lot of tears over the last (almost!) 8 months. I know I am going to cry when I meet my girlies face to face. I am going to bawl when Cody holds them and falls in love with those princesses. I am going to cry when they go to school, when they go on their first sleep over, when they have their hearts broken, and when they fall in love. I’m never going to stop crying.

Most of the above examples are fairly legitimate reasons for crying. However, to lighten this up a little, I thought I’d share a couple of my more ridiculous reasons for crying over the last few months.

1. I cried while watching Frozen. Specifically, it was the scene when Elsa sings “Let It Go”. Why? Because I was just so sad for her – she’d been locked away and miserable and now she just needed to run.

2. I cried while watching Friends… a lot. We recently decided to watch the series because it was on Netflix. I cried when Rachel got pregnant. I cried when Phoebe got married. I cried when Monica and Chandler brought the babies home. I cried when Joey and Chandler hugged goodbye.

3. I cried when I saw a cat outside on a semi-cold night. When I asked my husband to pull over so I could catch the cat and bring him/her in, he explained to me – LIKE I WAS A CHILD – that the cat probably already had a home, with people who loved him/her and would miss the cat. I got upset because the pet owners MUST be sadistic bastards for leaving the cat out at night, when it’s cold.

4. I cried when my BFF bought our babies little blankets with sheep on them.

5. I cried over getting pregnancy acne. More than once.

AND HERE’S THE LATEST AND GREATEST!

I was cleaning my bathroom (enough to make me want to cry) and came across a spider while sweeping. I didn’t dare to squish it because my boss once told me that it would be bad karma to kill anything living. So, I called my cat over, showed him the spider, and let nature take it’s course. As I watched my Toby-Bear bat the stupid spider around and then eat it, I started to get teary eyed. I’d just sentenced that little spider to death. I hired a hit man and let that innocent little spider be killed by my cat. I felt terrible then, and 4 days later, I still feel awful.

Seriously. Over a spider.

beanie