Grandpa

Tomorrow, my father in law will start chemotherapy.

I mentioned a few posts ago that he had been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.  He had Whipple Surgery a couple of weeks ago.  He will be starting chemo now… it seems like a fairly aggressive protocol, but I don’t really know.  He will be taking oral chemotherapy drugs and also on an IV of the drugs once a week for 3 weeks and 1 week “break”, for about 6 months.

I am afraid to watch him deteriorate.  I’m keeping it in – my husband is optimistic and I don’t want to ruin that for him.  His dad is amazingly strong, but I am so scared to watch the battle.

That is completely selfish and this is not about me. 

Of course I will be there for my husband, his dad, and the rest of our family in any way that I can be.  It’s still terrifying.

Faith.  Hope.  Love.

 

beanie

Her Version vs My (Correct) Version

CAITLYN SAYS:  She didn’t have a say as to what house we rented for our weekend in Niagara.

TRUTH:  As a group, it was decided an AirBnB would make more sense than a hotel.  I then researched dozens of options.  I took her suggested home and 3 of the ones that I thought would be good candidates and created a Facebook voting poll for our group message thread.  The others ladies, myself, AND Caitlyn unanimously voted for the house we all liked the best based on price, number of beds, and location.

 

CAITLYN SAYS:  Any time she suggested an activity, she was brushed aside and no one listened to her.

TRUTH:  Caitlyn thought it would be fun to go to a water park and rent a cabana.  I called the location and got prices and posted the information in our message thread.  Caitlyn mentioned a tribute band playing the night we arrived.  In the message thread, I agreed to the concert while a couple of ladies said that they wouldn’t be there in time, but to go ahead.

 

CAITLYN SAYS:  I changed plans multiple times.  I wanted to go to the haunted house, so we did.  I changed dinner plans in order to have my piercing done.  Again, she didn’t have a say in anything, I just got my way.

TRUTH:  We went downtown as a group when that was not necessary.  I wanted to go to the haunted house and said that A) not everyone had to come and B) I was also willing to cancel that idea.  Caitlyn did not even go to the haunted house.  But she did want to go down to the falls, so we did.

I decided to have my nipple pierced, which was something I had been talking about during the whole planning process of this trip.  I left to go and have this done at 4PM.  I was back by 5PM after going to the grocery store to get soda – for Caitlyn.  I went to have a little nap (as did she!) and when I came out, she was still gone and had told everyone that she didn’t want to go to dinner.

 

CAITLYN SAYS:  She was the one to find the other half of our group while all I did was complain.  She then navigated us through the casino to a restaurant and then out and to the nightclub.

TRUTH:  She found the other half of the group because she is a control freak who was uninterested in waiting for instructions as to where they were.  I waited until we knew where we were going.  And yes, my killer sexy heels were killing my feet as we walked all the way across the planet in the freezing cold at maximum speed.  I don’t know about the casino thing, but ok.  As for the restaurant – SHE DIDN’T WANT DINNER!!  And I specifically said I was not hungry.  So fuck off – she wanted to eat.  We went to the club as a group and I don’t know who was leading.  I was probably whining and complaining the whole way there.  I know I was mad as we passed the club I wanted to go to the in first place.

 

CAITLYN SAYS:  For the first hour at the club, she was the only one dancing.  She was there “for hours” and was assaulted twice before deciding to go home.  She then noticed that this club was close to the AirBnB she had suggested and was mad cause she could have walked back alone instead of needing an uber.

TRUTH:  She was miserable and we all knew it.  The thing is this:  I told her she didn’t have to come because I knew it wasn’t her thing and I was ok with that.  I personally wanted to dance and had said this to the group weeks before we even went on this weekend trip.  Regarding the assaults… that really has nothing to do with me.  First of all, I didn’t even know it had happened.  Secondly, I didn’t want to go to this club.  The club that someone told us that the American guys are particularly aggressive at, but everyone insisted would be fine.  More to that next.  And the AirBnB – well we went over that already.

 

CAITLYN SAYS:  She needed to go and buy clothes she didn’t want or need so that we could go out to the club I was forcing us all to go to.

TRUTH:  Part One:  1.  Months in advance, I inform everyone that I want to go dancing, but if it’s not your thing, no worries, I can go alone.  This is the only thing that I really wanted to do over the weekend, so I was going to go, with or without people.  2.  I put our names on the guest list at Club A.  I tell the group.  3.  The morning we are leaving, I show everyone in the FB thread the dress I am bringing to go out clubbing to.  We drove up together and the entire time we are talking about dancing and getting dressed up.  4.  Saturday morning, I tell everyone that the club sent the dress code.  Caitlyn says that she doesn’t have anything to wear to the club.  She says that she will go to value village and buy something.  5.  She got dressed with everyone, she even let everyone do her hair and makeup.

Part Two:  I picked Club A because no one else cared where we went – until Saturday afternoon, AFTER I went to have my piercing.  I came out of the bathroom and everyone was talking about instead going to Club B because there was no cover charge… even though we were informed the crowd of guys were known for being pushy.  Not my choice, but what the group decided.

 

CAITLYN SAYS:  She messaged the group about going to another club/bar that had food and maybe dancing.  Or we could just all go home.  The 3 of them went home and apparently one of them received a message that the 3 of us were also coming home.  She then ordered pizza and went to the balcony.

TRUTH:  I informed everyone before we left to go to the casino/club that my phone was almost dead.  Stupid, I know, but I forgot to charge it.  Anyway, I did not get that message.  One of the girls I was with didn’t even look at her phone, and the last one just said we should go home.  I agreed because… why the fuck would we leave one club to go to another?

 

CAITLYN SAYS:  I called her and the other two “bitches”.

TRUTH:  Yes.  I said “We came home and these bitches aren’t even here.”  All the lights were off, it was quiet, and I had just been told that they found a different bar.  I was annoyed and very, very drunk.

 

CAITLYN SAYS:  She was pissed but kept a smile on her face the whole time.

TRUTH:  She didn’t talk to anyone, she stayed on her phone, she declined to play the group card game to instead sit alone, she then went to bed without much more than a “Goodnight”.  We knew she was pissed off.

 

CAITLYN SAYS:  We ditched her and abandoned her with no food on Sunday morning.

TRUTH:  This part bugs me so much.  I got up in the morning, still a bit tipsy.  We needed to check out at 11AM.  I started packing my crap when it was mentioned that I could drive back in Car B with my bestie and Allie so that we could get me home a little faster and they could see my daughters before they went for a nap (my BEST friend wanted to see her “nieces” because she’d gotten them gifts and hadn’t seen the girls in a year).  There was also freezing rain in Ottawa, where my bestie and A live, so they wanted to get on the road.  I mentioned this to the other two ladies who drove up with Caitlyn and I, and they didn’t see a problem.  Sara was bunking with Caitlyn and she was going to wake her up, but felt bad.  We all then started bringing our bags and shit downstairs, I got in the car and left.  As for the food – 1.  I bought all of that fucking food.  2.  I know I left the bananas, cause Sara wanted them.  3. SHE’S A FUCKING ADULT.

 

CAITLYN SAYS:  We should have woken her up.

TRUTH:  Maybe.  But since she is my neighbour, pretty much (yep, awkward), I didn’t think we needed to have some long, drawn out goodbye.  And since she doesn’t know my bestie and A overly well, we didn’t think she would care either way.  The other two ladies didn’t think it was a problem to just leave, and neither did we.  5 out of 6 people said it was alright to go home, we really didn’t think that we were doing anything wrong.  She then made a comment about the cleaner being the one to wake her up, but… there were two other people there!  Why would waking her up be my job??

 

CAITLYN SAYS:  I didn’t have the balls to call her on Sunday after she texted me to say she was pissed.

TRUTH:  SHE TEXTED ME FIRST.  I then apologized 3 times and she replied with “Thanks”.  I tried to speak with her many times and was shut out.  It was 3 weeks later when I AGAIN reached out to her to see if she wanted to meet.  I text because no one calls anyone anymore, she wouldn’t have answered anyway, and I am busy and don’t want to call her.  If she can give me the silent treatment then she can deal with me texting instead of calling.

 

 

OK, now that I got that out, I feel a bit better.

Honestly, she twisted every little thing to make it my fault.  My husband says that she was just mad and I was her punching bag, she was “projecting”.  And maybe that is the case, but it’s so totally uncalled for.  I am no one’s punching bag – NO ONE.

I have therapy tomorrow… and I’m fairly certain this will be the thing we chat about for the whole hour.  I’m writing to try and get it all off of my heart and out of my brain.  I have been talking to Cody about it, but I don’t want to burden him either.  He and Caitlyn’s husband are good friends.  So, I’ll talk with my therapist tomorrow and then maybe put most of this to bed.

Hopefully.

 

beanie

 

ps – to clarify the assaults:  A female had “hit on” Caitlyn and felt her up; someone elbowed her in the ribs.

I take sexual assault and violence against women very seriously.  Had Caitlyn told me what happened, of course I would have been there to assist, report, whatever needed to happen.  But she did not tell me.

And I hate to say it, but… in a packed club, people get elbowed.  Generally it’s accidental.  Not always, but sometimes.  Once again, had I known, I would have done what I could to help!

No Witty Title Today

BFN. BFN. BFN. BFN. BFN. BFN. BFN. BFN. BFN (IUI). BFN (IUI). BFP (IUI) – miscarry @ just over 7 weeks. BFN (natural).  BFN (natural).  BFN. BFN (IUI). BFP (IUI) – chemical pregnancy. BFN (IUI). BFN. BFN (IUI).

That’s just depressing.

Every time I get a BFN, I think of Bumble.  Of what I had, what I lost, what I want, what I need, what I miss, what never was.

I had A LOT of faith in this cycle.  I believed, I hoped, I prayed, I believed some more.  I told my husband, my boss, even my doctor and nurses that this one was going to work.  This was going to be the cycle that did it.

Wrong-O!

I’m sad, of course.  But there’s also this overwhelming anger inside.  I’m pissed because I had to take PIO shots since last Thursday.  I had 4 super large, super painful needles in the ass.  FOR NOTHING.  And as far as the doctors are concerned, I should be taking 2 more.  Guess what’s NOT happening??  I knew the cycle was not going to pan out the day I got the call that my progesterone was low.  When I went to the clinic on Tuesday, I asked Ella if they test hcg in the baseline blood work I was getting that morning.  She said yes, but even if it came back under 7, it didn’t mean the cycle was over.  I’d taken 4 tests by that point and convinced myself that maybe it was really just too early.  When Cody called the clinic later in the day on Tuesday, Ella told him that my progesterone was up to 75, and yes, my hcg was low, but not to worry.  3 days and 2 tests later, it’s still negative.  There is no longer any hope for a sticky BFP.  It’s just fucking over.

I’m also mad because I forced the doctor to meet with me on Tuesday.  I would have normally donated my blood and then been on my way.  I asked some questions about why I never have an adequate amount of progesterone (except last month during a timed intercourse cycle – it was 85!).  No answer.  Apparently “every cycle is different” – I’ve only heard this every time I’ve wanted to know why something wasn’t going right.  I wanted to know why I was taking the PIO shots, when there is a pretty good chance the cycle isn’t going to work.  No answer.  Who wants to work and not be paid?  No one.  So why should I torture myself without any tangible reason to do so?  If I’d even had a faint positive, those needles would have been no problem at all.

I no longer feel like I can trust my fertility – or lack thereof – to other people.  I don’t feel like I can trust the doctors to make it work.  I don’t feel like I can count on God to make it work either.  It is really feeling like it’s up to chance. Or nature.  And quite frankly, nature is never on my side and I’m not very lucky.

I do believe in God.  I believe I’ve been very blessed during my life, and for that I’m grateful.  Right now though, I’m kinda pissed off at God and that He would give me such hope, only to be let down so badly.  Every relationship should have give and take, and it doesn’t feel quite even right now.  For now I’ll continue to pray and believe in Him, but I’m not going to ask for any fertility blessings from Him.  I give up on that.

I’m sorry that you’re reading another gloomy, depressing post.  Baby Brain…Sans Baby is not always happy happy joy joy, though.  This is my real life, my real emotions, my real reactions to the bull shit that is infertility.

 

 

Life was not supposed to be like this.

 

beanie

 

Talking to Myself

I was sitting there, analyzing my “symptoms”, and I thought:

“OMG, I HAVE TO TEST.  NOW!!”

 

Unfortunately, I was only 6 days past ovulation. 

 

My logical brain said:

“Beanie, get real.  It’s too early for symptoms.  Plus, your HcG shot is probably in your system.”

 

But I mean, if YOU were experiencing this, what would YOU think?

  • Super sore boobs (since 2 days past IUI)
  • Strangely strong sense of smell
  • Kinda tired
  • Nauseous/upset tummy
  • Cramping

 

Right… logical brain would tell you it’s more than likely the progesterone supplements.  Somehow, I actually listened to the logical brain.  …For 2 days.  Something told me to test today.  I READ THE INSTRUCTIONS, dipped the stick and waited.  I gave myself the necessary pep talk:

“B – don’t be upset if it’s negative.  It’s still way too early to be testing.  And B – don’t get too excited if it’s positive.  The HcG could still be present in your system, which would mean it could be a false positive.”

 

It was negative.

I’m telling you, I have NO self control!  If there is a pregnancy test in the house, I can guarantee you that I will pee on it.  Regardless of how early it is, how badly I have to go, or what time of day it is.  It’s borderline ridiculous, to be honest.

Yesterday, I counted myself out for this cycle.  Today, I’m feeling a little better, though.  My symptoms are pretty much gone (with the exception of the boobs being sore – but even that’s fading a bit), so it makes me a little paranoid.  However, there are still 7 days until I’m even supposed to be testing!  There is time, there is a decent chance, and God can do anything. 

 

Be well, my pretties 😉

 

beanie

Mother Effer!

Disclaimer:  I’m having a really bad day.  That means this is going to be a super whiny, bitchy post. 

You are warned.

 

It’s the busiest week of the month at work.  My co-worker is an idiot (at times) and makes the week that much harder on me. 

My toilet ended up clogged and I had to plunge it.  Not fun.

My kitten got something on his feet and now it’s on my bed.

I was eating a really-bad-for-you sausage and it burned my tongue.  Then squirted on my hand and burned it.

I have a whole bunch of (fake) pregnancy symptoms, but now they’re all fading.  Maybe I’ll list them later since I no longer feel like I can jinx this cycle.

My progesterone is low.  Supposed to be over 50, and I’m at 48.  To me, this means that I’ve ovulated, but the it might not be good enough to sustain pregnancy.  The nurse wanted me to increase the number of suppositories I am taking… I had to kindly remind her that I’m on the max dosage.  So what does that mean?  You got it – intramuscular injections of progesterone in oil (PIO) into my ass.

$#&*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I called my husband and he didn’t answer.  I proceeded to ring off his phone – to no avail – and finally left him a nasty message about how it’s convenient he is able to stop the work truck to get pictures of the original Batmobile, but he can’t find it possible to answer a call from me when I need him.  I still haven’t forgiven him.

I really had a lot of hope for this cycle.  It could turn around… I guess… but what are the odds?  I’m angry!  And yes, I am one of those people who gets hit with a little bad news and it really effects me.  I’m a doom-and-gloom kind of person, sadly.  But I am who I am.  On a logical level, I know the number is close and it’s not even really accurate as to what is in your system.  On an emotional level, the last time my progesterone was having this much of an issue, I was pregnant and ended up miscarrying.

God seemed to make me really peaceful during this whole cycle.  And then anxiety started to creep in, but it wasn’t too bad.  All of that changed today.  I really thought this was my cycle!  I know I’m supposed to have faith in God and His plan.  But when in the blue hell is He going to show some faith in me?  When is he going to see that enough is enough already.  It really is just enough.

I’ve been sitting here, alternating between typing, texting my BFF, and ugly crying.  I’m so worked up about this fucking shot and it’s literally hours away! 

It’s not technically over until next week.  But there’s a huge part of me that feels like it’s already done.  How do I change that feeling??

 

At least I have my kitten to snuggle.

snuggles

 

beanie

 

My Brain Hurts

Since 4:45AM this morning, I’ve repeated the words “I don’t know how much more I can take” to anyone who’d listen.

Cody woke me up.  Scratch that – my mind woke me up at 3:50AM.  Toby, the kitten, decided to keep me company until 4:45AM when Cody’s alarm went off.  Cody rolled over and said good morning and I told him I’d been up for an hour.  I explained that I wasn’t feeling good and I was pissed off because I had no choice but to go to the clinic since it is CD3.  Cody made the mistake of saying “Peep, I know mornings are rough…” and I went off.

Because it’s not just the mornings.  It’s the blood work, the ultrasounds, the medications, the drives to the clinic, the negative pregnancy tests, the faint positive tests, the miscarriage, the fake happiness.  EVERYTHING.  It’s literally everything.

I keep asking God to give me some guidance, but I hear nothing.  I need to know if I’m on the right path.  I believe I am supposed to be a Mama.  However, I don’t know if that’s the plan.  Is there a plan?  I don’t even know anymore!  I’m confused, and frustrated, and lacking some faith.  You’d think He’d just pop in and tell me to chill out or something…. but nope.  Silence.

I made it to the clinic.  Manuela looked like she was going to cry when she saw us.  Ella made the mistake of starting a conversation about life – I jumped on the opportunity and told her I was reaching my limit with all of this. I also informed her that I would not be doing IVF.  Ever.  So if this was it, then this is it.  Lena did my ultrasound and she was very sad for us too.  For some reason, everyone seemed to be extra sympathetic today and I’m not sure why.  We got to see Dr. R. and of course, he drops the bomb.  The three letter word bomb:  IVF.  He said that he thinks this should be the last round of IUI and then move on to IVF.  I looked at him and told him that IVF is not something we’re even willing to consider.  At that point, there are just other options for us.

Go ahead, judge me.  Make the assumption that since I’m not willing to move on to IVF then I must not want to be a Mama that bad.  I have a few choice words for those who’d like to pass those thoughts on to me.

What I don’t understand is why IVF.  In the past, I was told that I wouldn’t ever need IVF since I respond “so well” to injectables and have “proven fertility”.  So WHY is this being suggested to me?  Is it the size of my file?  Is it because they think I’m frustrated (I am) and I should want to move faster?  Should want to get more aggressive?  I don’t understand.  I GOT PREGNANT TWICE WITH IUI.  Why would I ever need IVF?????????

I don’t understand this doctor.  This clinic.  This process.  This life.  My faith.  The whole mother f-ing nine yards.  I don’t understand anything………………….

I walked out of the office going backwards.  I’m not doing injectables, however I’m still going to have an IUI in a couple of weeks.  I know we need IUI, I just am not sure we need the injectables or anything aggressive.  But my medical degree came from a Cracker Jack box and I haven’t practiced medicine in a while – so there’s the possibility that I’m wrong.  Wait, maybe I should consult with a real doctor – Dr. Google!

😐

Please tell me this will be funny one day.

 

beanie

 

Clarity

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time; accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him forever in the next.

Amen.”

 

I’m not going to get all churchy or preachy on you guys today.  I only want to really focus on the first paragraph of the Serenity Prayer – especially since I didn’t even know that there was a second verse until today.

First off – all of these years I’ve repeated the first 3 lines of this prayer to myself, I was screwing it up.  I’ve always said “God, grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change”.  I don’t know why – I thought that it was “strength” and not “serenity”, for some reason and yet I still knew it was called the Serenity Prayer.  I guess I never really thought about it.  Anyway, all of these years asking for strength instead of serenity.  No wonder I’m a bag of nerves all of the time but manage to make it through month after month of treatments.  No wonder I don’t kill my husband when he’s mean to me (more on that later).  No wonder I keep on going even when I’m sure I can’t.  My God has been giving me the strength I’ve asked for.

 

We’re on our 6th month of trying Femara and Timed Intercourse.  It’s been a rough road, as you know.  And as I sat crying after each negative test, I’d vent to Cody with something like this:

“God doesn’t care about me.  He can see my crying.  He hears me praying for this one thing.  I never selfishly as for anything but he still doesn’t carry me along the beach, does he?  When is he going to see that I can’t handle this anymore?  He has to know how much I need this and he just doesn’t fucking care.  As far as I’m concerned, God is an asshole.”

Two things:  1.  Everytime I said something like this, I instantly regretted it and apologized to God.  Not because I thought that he’d make sure that I’d have at least another negative result, but because I really felt bad about saying it.  I just don’t think it’s nice to call anyone I love an “asshole”.  2.  Each time I vented like this to Cody, I didn’t take in to consideration that I might be offending him with my offensive comments.  I just wanted to say what I felt and basically didn’t stop and realize how this effected my husbands faith.

I found out last night.

We were sitting in Boston Pizza last night waiting for our food.  I absent mindedly touched the white gold cross I’ve been wearing since starting this cycle and mentioned to Cody how it’s been keeping me a little more grounded.  I told him that when I touch the cross, it reminds me to talk to God every once in a while and that I liked it.  He in turn responded with:

“Oh, ok – so we’re not going to blame God for sabotaging us this month then?”

Livid.  Hurt.  Disgusted.

Our waitress brought us our food just as he said that and I made the quick decision not to walk out on my husband, drive home and leave him to fend for himself.  I also made the decision not to yell at him.  I opted to eat in silence.  

Cody knew what he said was mean.  I managed to quietly explain why it was wrong for him to give a low blow like that.  My main reason being that he has no idea what type of relationship I have with God and doesn’t know how I repent for the things I say in anger.  There was a lot of other stuff there too – mostly things like it’s not fair for my husband to judge me and act like he’s above me.

Eventually I didn’t hate Cody anymore.  We went home, I was still a little pissed off, but able to work with him on moving on.  12 hours later, and I am able to see that I’m not the only one who gets hurt by my partners words.  Cody listened to me bad mouth God month after month. He didn’t know if I was silently taking back my nasty comments or begging for forgiveness while I laid in bed.  My faith was being tested each month – but so was Cody’s.  In my deluded, self righteous mind, I forgot that Cody is part of this too and while I was quick to lash out at everyone, he was sitting there comforting me and trying to keep his faith in tact. What a help I’ve been.

I’m such a jerk.  Leave it to me to be in the middle of tearing Cody a new one when I see my own downfalls as a wife.  I do, however, think that this is one of those things I’ll need the strength AND serenity to change.  Because I do have the wisdom to know that this is something I can (and should) change.

 

 

beanie

Proceed With Caution

Since cycle 1, I’ve been guarding myself during the 2WW.  I don’t look symptoms up online; I don’t look at baby things on Pinterest; I don’t really let myself get excited about the possibility of being pregnant since the negative result ends up hurting that much more.

This cycle I’ve been pretty miserable.  Well, not really miserable but feeling kind of crappy.  I’ve been completely exhausted.  I have random heartburn (I think it’s heartburn?  I don’t know – might be acid reflux?  I really don’t know what the difference is or if it’s what I’m experiencing.  But it’s annoying.).  I wake up during the night, have weird dreams.  I’ve had wicked headaches for the last 3 days.  I have period cramps.  I had some of these symptoms during the last couple of cycles, so I have been attributing all of this to my upcoming visit from Auntie F.

Until today.

I went to have my progesterone tested today.  No biggie.  My favourite nurse asked me how I was feeling, if I was bloated or anything.  I told her I was and extremely tired.  She told me that it was because of the progesterone and that I was in fact “still under the influence of the drugs”.  

That’s right – she didn’t say anything to give me any particular boost of optimism.  She didn’t tell me that she thought I was pregnant or that this was going to be my month.  All she did was tell me that everything I was feeling was common with taking the progesterone.  

Let’s review, though.

Fatigue:  common with pregnancy, PMS, and progesterone.  

Heartburn:  common with pregnancy, PMS, and progesterone.  

Cramping:  common with pregnancy, PMS, and progesterone.  

 

How the fuck am I supposed to analyze anything when it’s all the same symptom but each with a potentially different cause?  Annoying.

Back on track here.  

I hate to admit it, but the little piece of sunshine that Elena gave to me before my torture test has stuck with me too.  She told me that sometimes the test gets things moving and clear and there’s an “unexpected” pregnancy result.  I told myself not too get too excited about that slim possibility.  Somehow though, I’ve thought about it endlessly and convinced myself that it just might be the thing to help.

I’ve also been doing a lot of praying.  I’m not really a religious person – but I’m spiritual.  I have talked to God a lot these last few days, and even tried bargaining, which I am not particularly proud of.  It went something like this:  “Father, I promise that if this is the month I get pregnant, I will immediately stop eating all fast food.  With the exception of Subway.”.  

Yes, I have some hope this cycle.  I am terrified of it because I remember how bad it was finding out that the first try didn’t work.  And while it’s been devastating each time since, it was getting a little easier to deal with.  I’m so scared that I’ve gotten myself so excited and optimistic that the possible fall is going to suck.

Don’t get me wrong – hope, faith, optimism … they’re all great things to have, especially in a fertility struggle/journey.  I just haven’t let my guard down in a long time, so I’m worried about the outcome.

But hey – once again, this could be the month that my dream comes true!  Maybe I’ll be sharing my birthday with my first born.

 

One week down.  One to go.

 

beanie

#RealityCheck

I feel like I’m in my own version of the movie “Groundhog Day”.  The 2WW is over and my uterus is, again, empty.  The slight difference this month is that I was able to test at home instead of going in to the office.  A big thank you to one of my readers for the suggestion of not going in for the test.  It made a huge difference!

I’m upset, of course, but upon getting the “NOT PREGNANT” message on the Clear Blue test, I didn’t break down.  I was disappointed because for a nano-second I thought it was taking so long to come up with an answer because there as just enough pregnancy hormone in there to cause confusion.  When the result came I snapped a picture and sent it to my husband with the caption “Why do I even bother with a test?  When you know, you know.”.  You see, on Saturday (again, in the city for an event with Cody), I started to get what I refer to as “gut rot” – attractive, I know.  I don’t know what it is, but it’s a sort of burning in my tummy mixed with a bit of what I assume might be heartburn.  I only get this when I’m going to get my period.  We came home and I noted it in Pink Pad (an Android app I downloaded) and told Cody that I was marking down the day I realized the pregnancy dream was dashed again for another month.

Right there.  That last line you read above?  That bad attitude has got to be having some sort of negative effect on me getting pregnant.  It has got to be effecting how Cody looks at me.  It’s got to be detrimental to our relationship.

I never wanted getting pregnant to overtake our lives.  I never wanted to sit and only be able to talk about baby-related things.  I didn’t want anything to consume me the way trying to conceive has.  It sickens me.  I’m terrified of it ruining my marriage.  I’m scared that my mental health is going to suffer.  I’ve always been a pessimistic person, but I feel like I’ve become completely jaded.  Plus, why even try to conceive if every part of my being is convinced it’ll never happen?  Seems sort of pointless if that’s how I’m going to approach the tests and appointments.  Plus, who knows if there is some subconscious part of me sabotaging the whole effort?

I don’t know what day I’ll be back at the doctor’s office.  I’m, apparently, supposed to start my period on Friday which means it’ll probably be Sunday since the only schedule my body follows is being 2 days behind everything.  And while I’m sure it’s going to be a similar situation of Femara (possible dosage increase?) with a trigger shot of Ovidrel and timed intercourse, I plan on making my own, personal changes to this cycle.  I’m just going to do my best to be happy and ready for conception if I’m so lucky.

I follow a lot of fertility blogs.  Someone had written a post about books they read that pertain to getting pregnant or being pregnant.  In the comments, someone had suggested the book “The Buddha Walks Into the Bar”, and I think I’m going to read it.  I need a different perspective on… well, everything and anything, really.

Along with the changes in perspective and attitude, I’m going to eat better this month.  I’ve lost some weight but have, sadly, succumbed to the fast food eating lifestyle for the last couple of weeks…again.  I’m going cut it out this month and eat more balanced foods.  It can only help!  I also plan to exercise as well, but it’s not going to be anything to write home about.  If I can get out for a walk once a night, I’ll feel accomplished.  I can be so entirely lazy.  To the same beautiful reader I mentioned above, I one day will start the Couch 2 5K challenge too!  It’s already downloaded on to my phone.

Lastly, I’m just going to try and relax.  I have so many things going on in my life that all I do is think.  And worry.  It’s not just about getting pregnant – it’s about my family back home; it’s about our new house; it’s about our current living arrangements; it’s about my work situation.  All of it makes me in a constant state of stress and I don’t want that. Not just for getting pregnant, but for me in general.  Positive thinking can do wonders, I hear.  I haven’t tried it out, but it’s all the rave.

So what is my reality check?  Just that I haven’t really been doing all I could be doing to help this process along.  I keep acting like I am since I go to all of the appointments and slap a smile on my face each time my blood is being drawn or when I’m getting a transvaginal ultrasound.  I think that by taking the medications and having sex when I’m directed to that this is all it takes to get pregnant.  But it’s so much more.  You need to really want it and know that there’s a positivity/hopeful/faithful aspect that is needed as well.  And I haven’t had that for at least the last cycle.

I am absolutely terrified that a change in attitude could make the fall that much harder again.  I’ll just need to dust off and carry on.  And in the spirit of positive thinking, I don’t think I should even be worrying about the what if of not getting pregnant again this month.

Besides, the only think I need to “worry” about at this exact second is about having to entertain my awful Aunt Flo in a few days.

Let’s hope it’s all as easy as I’ve made it sound.

beanie