Her Version vs My (Correct) Version

CAITLYN SAYS:  She didn’t have a say as to what house we rented for our weekend in Niagara.

TRUTH:  As a group, it was decided an AirBnB would make more sense than a hotel.  I then researched dozens of options.  I took her suggested home and 3 of the ones that I thought would be good candidates and created a Facebook voting poll for our group message thread.  The others ladies, myself, AND Caitlyn unanimously voted for the house we all liked the best based on price, number of beds, and location.

 

CAITLYN SAYS:  Any time she suggested an activity, she was brushed aside and no one listened to her.

TRUTH:  Caitlyn thought it would be fun to go to a water park and rent a cabana.  I called the location and got prices and posted the information in our message thread.  Caitlyn mentioned a tribute band playing the night we arrived.  In the message thread, I agreed to the concert while a couple of ladies said that they wouldn’t be there in time, but to go ahead.

 

CAITLYN SAYS:  I changed plans multiple times.  I wanted to go to the haunted house, so we did.  I changed dinner plans in order to have my piercing done.  Again, she didn’t have a say in anything, I just got my way.

TRUTH:  We went downtown as a group when that was not necessary.  I wanted to go to the haunted house and said that A) not everyone had to come and B) I was also willing to cancel that idea.  Caitlyn did not even go to the haunted house.  But she did want to go down to the falls, so we did.

I decided to have my nipple pierced, which was something I had been talking about during the whole planning process of this trip.  I left to go and have this done at 4PM.  I was back by 5PM after going to the grocery store to get soda – for Caitlyn.  I went to have a little nap (as did she!) and when I came out, she was still gone and had told everyone that she didn’t want to go to dinner.

 

CAITLYN SAYS:  She was the one to find the other half of our group while all I did was complain.  She then navigated us through the casino to a restaurant and then out and to the nightclub.

TRUTH:  She found the other half of the group because she is a control freak who was uninterested in waiting for instructions as to where they were.  I waited until we knew where we were going.  And yes, my killer sexy heels were killing my feet as we walked all the way across the planet in the freezing cold at maximum speed.  I don’t know about the casino thing, but ok.  As for the restaurant – SHE DIDN’T WANT DINNER!!  And I specifically said I was not hungry.  So fuck off – she wanted to eat.  We went to the club as a group and I don’t know who was leading.  I was probably whining and complaining the whole way there.  I know I was mad as we passed the club I wanted to go to the in first place.

 

CAITLYN SAYS:  For the first hour at the club, she was the only one dancing.  She was there “for hours” and was assaulted twice before deciding to go home.  She then noticed that this club was close to the AirBnB she had suggested and was mad cause she could have walked back alone instead of needing an uber.

TRUTH:  She was miserable and we all knew it.  The thing is this:  I told her she didn’t have to come because I knew it wasn’t her thing and I was ok with that.  I personally wanted to dance and had said this to the group weeks before we even went on this weekend trip.  Regarding the assaults… that really has nothing to do with me.  First of all, I didn’t even know it had happened.  Secondly, I didn’t want to go to this club.  The club that someone told us that the American guys are particularly aggressive at, but everyone insisted would be fine.  More to that next.  And the AirBnB – well we went over that already.

 

CAITLYN SAYS:  She needed to go and buy clothes she didn’t want or need so that we could go out to the club I was forcing us all to go to.

TRUTH:  Part One:  1.  Months in advance, I inform everyone that I want to go dancing, but if it’s not your thing, no worries, I can go alone.  This is the only thing that I really wanted to do over the weekend, so I was going to go, with or without people.  2.  I put our names on the guest list at Club A.  I tell the group.  3.  The morning we are leaving, I show everyone in the FB thread the dress I am bringing to go out clubbing to.  We drove up together and the entire time we are talking about dancing and getting dressed up.  4.  Saturday morning, I tell everyone that the club sent the dress code.  Caitlyn says that she doesn’t have anything to wear to the club.  She says that she will go to value village and buy something.  5.  She got dressed with everyone, she even let everyone do her hair and makeup.

Part Two:  I picked Club A because no one else cared where we went – until Saturday afternoon, AFTER I went to have my piercing.  I came out of the bathroom and everyone was talking about instead going to Club B because there was no cover charge… even though we were informed the crowd of guys were known for being pushy.  Not my choice, but what the group decided.

 

CAITLYN SAYS:  She messaged the group about going to another club/bar that had food and maybe dancing.  Or we could just all go home.  The 3 of them went home and apparently one of them received a message that the 3 of us were also coming home.  She then ordered pizza and went to the balcony.

TRUTH:  I informed everyone before we left to go to the casino/club that my phone was almost dead.  Stupid, I know, but I forgot to charge it.  Anyway, I did not get that message.  One of the girls I was with didn’t even look at her phone, and the last one just said we should go home.  I agreed because… why the fuck would we leave one club to go to another?

 

CAITLYN SAYS:  I called her and the other two “bitches”.

TRUTH:  Yes.  I said “We came home and these bitches aren’t even here.”  All the lights were off, it was quiet, and I had just been told that they found a different bar.  I was annoyed and very, very drunk.

 

CAITLYN SAYS:  She was pissed but kept a smile on her face the whole time.

TRUTH:  She didn’t talk to anyone, she stayed on her phone, she declined to play the group card game to instead sit alone, she then went to bed without much more than a “Goodnight”.  We knew she was pissed off.

 

CAITLYN SAYS:  We ditched her and abandoned her with no food on Sunday morning.

TRUTH:  This part bugs me so much.  I got up in the morning, still a bit tipsy.  We needed to check out at 11AM.  I started packing my crap when it was mentioned that I could drive back in Car B with my bestie and Allie so that we could get me home a little faster and they could see my daughters before they went for a nap (my BEST friend wanted to see her “nieces” because she’d gotten them gifts and hadn’t seen the girls in a year).  There was also freezing rain in Ottawa, where my bestie and A live, so they wanted to get on the road.  I mentioned this to the other two ladies who drove up with Caitlyn and I, and they didn’t see a problem.  Sara was bunking with Caitlyn and she was going to wake her up, but felt bad.  We all then started bringing our bags and shit downstairs, I got in the car and left.  As for the food – 1.  I bought all of that fucking food.  2.  I know I left the bananas, cause Sara wanted them.  3. SHE’S A FUCKING ADULT.

 

CAITLYN SAYS:  We should have woken her up.

TRUTH:  Maybe.  But since she is my neighbour, pretty much (yep, awkward), I didn’t think we needed to have some long, drawn out goodbye.  And since she doesn’t know my bestie and A overly well, we didn’t think she would care either way.  The other two ladies didn’t think it was a problem to just leave, and neither did we.  5 out of 6 people said it was alright to go home, we really didn’t think that we were doing anything wrong.  She then made a comment about the cleaner being the one to wake her up, but… there were two other people there!  Why would waking her up be my job??

 

CAITLYN SAYS:  I didn’t have the balls to call her on Sunday after she texted me to say she was pissed.

TRUTH:  SHE TEXTED ME FIRST.  I then apologized 3 times and she replied with “Thanks”.  I tried to speak with her many times and was shut out.  It was 3 weeks later when I AGAIN reached out to her to see if she wanted to meet.  I text because no one calls anyone anymore, she wouldn’t have answered anyway, and I am busy and don’t want to call her.  If she can give me the silent treatment then she can deal with me texting instead of calling.

 

 

OK, now that I got that out, I feel a bit better.

Honestly, she twisted every little thing to make it my fault.  My husband says that she was just mad and I was her punching bag, she was “projecting”.  And maybe that is the case, but it’s so totally uncalled for.  I am no one’s punching bag – NO ONE.

I have therapy tomorrow… and I’m fairly certain this will be the thing we chat about for the whole hour.  I’m writing to try and get it all off of my heart and out of my brain.  I have been talking to Cody about it, but I don’t want to burden him either.  He and Caitlyn’s husband are good friends.  So, I’ll talk with my therapist tomorrow and then maybe put most of this to bed.

Hopefully.

 

beanie

 

ps – to clarify the assaults:  A female had “hit on” Caitlyn and felt her up; someone elbowed her in the ribs.

I take sexual assault and violence against women very seriously.  Had Caitlyn told me what happened, of course I would have been there to assist, report, whatever needed to happen.  But she did not tell me.

And I hate to say it, but… in a packed club, people get elbowed.  Generally it’s accidental.  Not always, but sometimes.  Once again, had I known, I would have done what I could to help!

Cryptic

I sat across from you at that table in Kelsey’s restaurant, confused and hurt.  You were no longer a friend of mine – the sweet, funny, weird girl I had grown to adore and I was proud to call my friend.  You were now a meal girl, someone who had brought me to that restaurant under the pretense that we were going to talk and work out our, what I believed was a small, misunderstanding,  Instead, I sat across from you at that restaurant and took a verbal beating.  You yelled at me, taunted me, interrupted me, even laughed at me.  You came to that restaurant to humiliate me and make me feel like a terrible person.  I walked into that restaurant believing I would be smiling and laughing over lunch.  Instead I left feeling like an awful friend and was crying.  Right before we left our booth, you said to me “I want to be your friend, but I’m not sure what that means right now.  I consider this event a huge setback for us.”  You made it clear that you needed to think about what our ongoing friendship would look like… and if I was good, if I played the right cards and pleased you enough, we could go back to being the great friends we were before.  You forgot to consider this, though:

 

What if I don’t want to be your friend anymore?

All Aboard the Pity Train

I just want my turn.  There’s really nothing more to it.  I am aware that there are people struggling longer than Cody and I have.  I am aware that there are people requiring more intervention, more science, more testing.  I am aware that I do not have the worst case, but it does not make it any less devastating for me.  

I can’t help feeling broken.  I feel broken emotionally.  I am crying like a crazy person today. I work from home and I can’t bring myself to log in for my shift.  I’m anxious and sad.  I don’t want to deal with customers today.  And I feel physically broken.  I can’t seem to do the most natural thing a woman can do.  It makes me feel like less of a woman, and less of the wife Cody deserves.

I know these are irrational thoughts.  It’s not my fault.  I didn’t ask for these struggles.  I’m sure they’re also typical feelings of any woman going through fertility issues.  And if a woman going through a similar struggle told me that she wasn’t a “complete woman”, I’d do and say anything to try and make her see she’s just as whole as any other woman.  The ability to carry a baby does not define you as a woman any more than your breasts would.  Practising what we preach is always a much harder thing to do, though.

I didn’t even take the test yet!  I don’t officially know I’m not pregnant.  It’s just a feeling.  A feeling that I am so used to.  A feeling that kills me a little more every month.

I try to be happy and focus on other things.  Like our new house – and when I start to think about the new house, I think about the two extra rooms we’re going to have and how one of them might not be a nursery for a long, long time.  So then I try to think about school and all of the academic upgrading I need to do this summer in order to apply for a January start… and I inevitably start trying to add up dates (If I get pregnant in XYZ month, I’ll give birth in ABC month, which means I’ll have to take semester 1/2/3/4 off).  I think about taking my driving test (what if the stress causes me not to get pregnant.. again), exercising and eating right (how will this effect me getting pregnant?), camping this summer (is it OK to go camping?), and even hanging out with friends (how can I avoid drinking without raising suspicion that I’m already carrying?).  It is literally consuming my every thought and it’s making me crazy.  And tired.

I want to stomp my feet, cry, and stay in bed.  I’m just so beyond sad today.  I don’t want to shower.  I don’t want to talk on the phone.  At the same time, I just want to be numb.  Watch pointless movies and get out of my head.

I am writing this blog because it helps in some way.  I can really analyze how I am feeling and let my emotions be raw and true.  I don’t express myself very well verbally, it’s so much easier for me to write.  With writing down just how completely mournful I am feeling, it makes it that much easier for me to communicate with Cody later. 

I’m using “mournful” instead of “sad” because that’s really how I’m feeling.  It’s more than sad. It’s dramatic – but I’m sitting in my PJ’s, hair a mess, a half eaten bagel beside me on a plate in the bed, crying.  This is what “drama” is.  I do feel like I’m mourning.  I thought this was my month.  I was feeling different – better than previous cycles.  I just really, truly believed it was my turn.  Over the past couple of days, it changed.  I got my period symptoms, I feel empty (and somehow still bloated.  Go figure.), and like I said earlier – the same as I’ve always been feeling when one cycle ends and another begins.  My potential pregnancy was snatched away from me.

 

beanie