Food runs my life.


I have at least one fight a day with Charlotte over eating.  She just will not eat dinner!  Ever!!  No matter what I do, unless it’s chicken nuggets or grilled cheese, she refuses dinner.  Every night.  Tonight, Cody made delicious hamburgers and corn on the cob.  Charlotte ate a cheese slice.  No, not even “real” cheese.  An actual processed cheese slice.  Then threw a fit until we finally just released her to go and do what she wanted while the three of us ate.  It’s ridiculous.  I vow to turn it around… I have my books, my websites, and my recipes.  I will find a way to win this fight, so help me God!


My father in law is now doing chemo.  He’s had a set back, there seems to be an issue with his bowel now.  They are optimistic that it won’t become serious and he should be able to come home soon.  As with many chemo patients, food is unappealing at the moment and that will only contribute to his digestive issues… so what can Beanie do to help?  Food.  I bought a ridiculously expensive book with freezer meal recipes (along with my own favorite dishes that are good for the freezer!) and I am going to cook, cook, cook.  I will feed my family to keep them healthy and strong.  When my mother in law is too tired to cook, or my sister in laws are just too distracted to make meals, I want them to be able to reach for something homemade.  It makes me feel helpful.  It makes me feel useful.  I love to cook and I love my family – as crazy as they make me – so, I hope these meals will feed their bellies and their souls.


I am a binge eater.  There is no doubting that.  I have a terrible relationship with food.  Maybe one day I will get into it, but not tonight.  Anyway, I am always talking about how I need to be better, do better, eat better.  Better better better.  And then we started talking about having another child.  So, I started to “track ovulation” which is pretty much like trying to find a leprechaun catching a ride on a unicorn.  No period, bad period, random bleeding.  Off to the doctor I went and she decided to send me to an endocrinologist to look at my blood work.  Well, dear old diabetes is yet again totally out of control.  Like, super out of control.  We decided to switch over to insulin again, but a month later and things are still nuts.  I have an A1C that is literally double what it should be and a fasting sugar that is double and a bit.  No matter what I do!  At my appointment yesterday, my doc suggested that it was possible I am not Type 2 diabetic, that it is possible I am Type 1 diabetic and was misdiagnosed.  After reading about LADA, it makes a lot of sense.  And it fits me and my situation.  I was 24 when I was diagnosed and about 40 pounds heavier than I am now.  And since that time (10 friggen years!), I’ve gone from Metformin to adding in Diamicron, Invokana, Glumetza; tried Humalog, Humulin, and Lantus.  I am now currently taking NovoRapid and Levemir, which are bringing the numbers down… but I am also taking over 100 units of insulin a day!!   I go back to the doctor in 2 weeks and will be tested for Type 1 and hopefully we will be on a maintenance plan instead of more adjustments.

All of that said, I carb counted today and my numbers were good-ish.  However… I feel so hungry.  And its possible that it’s my mind just tricking me; it’s possible that I am adjusting; it’s possible that I’m actually hungry.  And most people would say to just have a snack, but WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN.  Everything is different!  I would have an apple with some peanut butter, but my sugars will be fucked.  My body is so super sensitive to eating anything.  No, I don’t always eat the best… but I am not the worst, either!


That was a jumbled mess.  Like my brain these days.  Stay tuned for something more coherent next time!




ps – I am eating the apple.


Ohhhh the metformin woes.  I hate what this med does to my tummy.

I’ve decided it’s time to start taking care of myself.  Again.  I need to be healthy for myself, but also for my girls and my husband.  So I’ve re-joined Curves, have stopped eating so much fast food, am drinking more water, and…. Started my metformin again.  

When you start a medication like metformin, you’re advised that introducing the medication slowly can help with the unpleasant side effects.  For me, that is not the case.  I still get all of the tummy issues, headaches, and can’t stray too far from home – only it lasts longer than if I were to just jump in and take the correct dosage right off the bat.  So here I am, complaining and feeling like shit because metformin is making my stomach cramp – but wait… Maybe that’s cause I’m also about to get my period.  Good timing, beanie.  

There are many reasons why I want to really give it a go.  I want to not be so tired.  I want to lose weight.  I want my insulin levels to come down. I want to be good examples for my daughters.  I want to try for another baby and maybe not have to go through fertility treatments. I am worried about my husband’s health. 

Cody has put on weight, which I don’t care about, but it’s definitely effecting his life.  His sleep apnea is bad and he has heartburn allllllllll the time.  I fear an ulcer (i mean, seriously.  We are going to buy stock in the Tums company).  And his cholesterol is high.  I have amazing cholesterol, so I don’t always think about foods that are cholesterol-impacting.  Since I am Chef Beanie, he eats what I cook and I am now going to be cooking food that will be good for BOTH of our health.  

As a side note, it’s so ridiculous.  I cook amazingly healthy meals for Apple and Banana, and cook a completely separate unhealthy meal for Cody and myself some nights.  Its not only a waste of time, money, and life, it’s just plain unnecessary. This will stop.  I mean, it’s not that often, mainly because we want them to see that we all eat the same food, but we also don’t want them to become picky eaters who demand their own meals of chicken nuggets and fries, instead of pasta.  

And as another side note, Apple is so bad for food.  She has always been bad for food, but it’s on another level now.  She picks through her food and throws obvious vegetables on the floor.  She hates all veggies!  I chop them, I slice and dice, I do everything short of pureeing them and she still find them and chucks them.  ALL VEGGIES.  I didn’t think the fight would start this early!  I half blame my husband who is incredibly picky and rarely eats veggies.  But Apple has had lunch with me every single day since she started sitting in her high chair, and I eat what she eats most of the time.  So maybe part of this is learned and part of this is just who she is.  There’s a Nature vs Nurture scenario to ponder……


I wait 3 weeks, minimum, to take a pregnancy test.  As soon as I have my period, I am already looking forward to the second week of the 2WW.  I’m an obsessed woman.

When the second week of the 2WW rolls around, I start counting off the days until it’s no longer “too early” to test.  Usually 9 or 10 days past ovulation.  It is then that I will start trying to convince Cody that it’s actually a good idea to start taking the pregnancy tests.  He never agrees, but he’ll take me to the store to buy the tests anyway.  To try and stop me is futile.

Once I take a test, as I did yesterday AND this morning, this is pretty much how it goes:

ALWAYS read the instructions – yes, it’s dip the stick for 5 seconds, wait 3 minutes.

I then wait in the other room for 2 and a half minutes.  When there are about 30 seconds to go, I give myself this talk:

Beanie.  Let’s be realistic.  You KNOW it’s too early to test.  When you walk in there and see one stupid line, it does not mean the game is over yet.  It’s early.  Although you want it to be positive, it might just been too early still.  Don’t give up, but don’t be surprised.

I then walk into the bathroom, turn off my alarm.  I grab the stick angrily (every time), and quickly glance.  Yup – negative.

I will then be just about to toss that stupid thing in the garbage, and wait!  Is there a line?  There’s a line!  Faint, but it’s there!

I will then turn on assistive lighting, hold the thing closer to my face (ew) and then further away, I will venture to another room so that I can see the result window in natural lighting.  Yep – that’s got to be a line.  I mean, it’s barely there, but it’s gotta be way too early for an evaporation line to show!  And just cause it’s a little grey, rather than pink… Whatever.  It’s a line.  Maybe?

I will then start questioning the likelihood of being pregnant.

There’s no way that this cycle could result in a positive.  It was timed intercourse!  We did 8 solid months of timed intercourse when we first started seeing an RE and it never worked.  There’s no way that this is what will get us pregnant!  We definitely need IUI.  This was our “break”.

I will then start telling myself why it could have worked.

Why couldn’t it work?  I mean, I started going to the gym 4 times a week.  I’m eating so much better!  I lost 8 freaking pounds in under 3 weeks. My insulin is PERFECT.  My progesterone must have been great because I didn’t get a call telling me to up any dosages.  This is actually OPTIMAL!  And yes, there’s only a few symptoms, but it’s too early for that anyway!  PREGNANT!

I will, sadly, continue to look at that test.  I will sometimes take pictures so that I can zoom in.  I will sometimes flip those pictures to negative in case that can pick up the line I’m clearly (maybe) seeing.  I have been known to break apart the test, though I don’t know why.  I will look at these tests for as long as they are available, until Cody catches a clue and empties the trash cans without me knowing.  Lord knows I won’t do it!

I have an issue though (clearly).  I only use FRER tests now.  They’re more sensitive than the others and likely to give me that precious BFP earlier.  The thing is, I know where that line should be.  So most of the time, I don’t know if it’s really there, or I just know it would show up there.  I will continue to use FRER’s because they are better, but they also give me hope.  They give me time to imagine the positive, to be excited, to not be so negative.  With any other test it’s just over after the 3 minutes.

So yes, my friends.  I tested yesterday and I’ve tested today.  I think there’s a line, but there’s probably not.  Either way – life will continue to move forward and I’m hoping to not test again until Thursday, when I’m 2 days early.  Talk about having something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving if this turns out to be positive!


Whether You Like It or Not


Dear Beanie, whether you like it or not, you will continue to experience the Metformin Woes.  YOU decided to stop the meds in anger, therefore you will suffer the consequences.  Rest assured it should only last a couple of days.

Silly Beanie – whether you like it or not, you are experiencing acne and will continue to do so.  Yes, the Bioderma is a little expensive.  However, Spectro Gel is NOT an adequate replacement.  Take care of your skin, girlie.  And remember – pregnancy will likely make it worse.

Beanie, whether you like it or not, you will be hungry during this diet.  You won’t starve.  And remember – supper was amazing last night! (Recipe and picture below).

Oh Beanie, whether you like it or not, you have to walk 5000 steps a day.  It will get worse, though, as 5000 will turn to 10 000.  You can do it.

B, this one is hard.  Whether you like it or not, you have fertile friends.  These friends will give bad advice, be inconsiderate, and will continuously be oblivious to your situation.  They are not bad people.  They will go on to have children, who you will meet.  Meeting new baby Alvin will be scary… but remember how much you love fresh babies.  You will survive, it will make your determination to fight this fight stronger than ever.

Beanie, whether you like it or not, you are fertility challenged.  There might be a blessing in disguise, or it might be bad luck.  Either way, you’re strong and stubborn, determined and committed.  Starting a new cycle sucks, miscarriage sucks, spending so much money on a chance sucks.  That baby you will birth will be a cute, adorable, mini-version of Cody and will be worth all of the tears and more.

Beanie and Cody, whether you like it or not, the pet fish will stink.  The cats already do!  Welcome to pet-parenthood.  You baby might smell worse.  Note:  this is also not new information.



Friends, I started my diet/exercise program yesterday!  My trainers kicked my ass.  My muscles are sore, I’m looking forward to my snack, and I’m peeing a lot because of my increased water.  I sound like I’m complaining – but I’m not.  I’m actually really happy to be doing this!

Last night, when I read that my meal plan (which I got to pick!) included only 2/3 cup of WHOLE WHEAT pasta, I wanted to cry.  Turns out it was a perfectly fine portion and I’m just a glutton.  Here’s how the pasta turned out:


Cody made me put a pen beside the bowl in case (and I quote) “They think we have comically large bowls.”

It really was an amazing sauce!  Here’s the recipe.  If you want, I guess you could sub out the shrimp for chicken or something.  I will leave it the exact same next time!!

Pasta w/ Shrimp & Creamy Tomato Sauce

Total Time 30 minutes; Calories per serving 414 (probably a little less since I didn’t make the green beans that went with this)

Ingredients (this is for ONE person.  Double ingredients if you want to make for more than one person.  I tripled them so Cody ate two portions instead of one bitty portion)

  • 1 ozSpaghetti, whole wheat, dry
  • 6 ozShrimp, raw
  • 1 ozTomato sauce, canned, meatless, no salt added
  • 3 1/2 ozGreen beans, raw
  • 1/2 ozMushrooms
  • 1/4 med (2-1/2 inch)Onions, raw
  • 1 ozCheese, ricotta, part skim
  • 1/2 tsp(s)Olive Oil
  • 1/2 TbspPesto Sauce


Bring a large pot of water to a boil. Add pasta and cook for 8 to 10 minutes or until al dente. Drain pasta. 2. Warm olive oil in a nonstick skillet over medium heat . Add shrimp and cook, turning once. Add tomato sauce, ricotta cheese, and pesto. 3. In a separate pan, sauté mushrooms and onions and add to mixture. 4. Place a steamer insert in a saucepan and fill with water to just below the bottom of the steamer. Cover and bring water to a boil. Place green beans in steamer insert and cover. Steam for about 5 minutes or until tender. 5. Serve mixture over spaghetti with green beans on the side.

Tip: 1 oz  Spaghetti dry = 1/3 cup dry & 2/3 cup cooked; 1 oz Ricotta = 2 tbsp; 3 1/2 oz Green Beans = 1 cup; 1/2 oz Mushrooms = 1/4 cup; 1 oz Tomato Sauce = 1/8  cup.





Just Your Generic Update

1.  Lena is quitting.  Call me old fashioned, but I actually really appreciated that I had a mostly non-awkward relationship with the woman who had to probe my vag multiple times a month.  When Lena told me that this was her last week, I almost cried.  I literally exclaimed “NO!  No one else can find my left ovary!  Why, Lena!?”  It was quite the reaction from someone naked from the waist down, on her CD3, and about to receive the blessing of a transvaginal ultrasound.

Lena did give me some tips for the next lucky bastard to try and find good ole lefty.  I really hoped she would be the first one to see my baby!  I know where to find her, though – unfortunately I vowed to never step foot in that clinic again.

2.  Dr. R is on vacation (AGAIN.)  In his place is Dr. C, my original RE.  I told her about the chemical pregnancy and she appeared genuinely sad for us.  She re-explained to me that PCOS puts me at a much higher risk for miscarriage.  However, when I effectively demanded further testing for any immunological/auto immune disorders, she quickly agreed.  I was told that the A.N.A. test would not be covered, but it would be $35.  Dr. C advised against having a genetic test done, which we were fine with.  Apparently it’s really unlikely that this is the reason for miscarriage.  Also, it’s expensive and takes 6 months for results.  And I’d have to go to Sick Kids.  I really never want to go to Sick Kids.

3.  I researched the hell out of these tests and what the outcomes could be.  I was so freaked out that I considered not even having the testing done.  However, this morning I woke up and decided that I need to do all I can for my future babies, so off to the blood-work lab I went.  Unfortunately, 3 of the tests are not covered, so it was going to be $140.  I walked out.  Why even have OHIP?

4.  I JOINED A GYM.  God in Heaven, Mother Mary, please help me.

5.  My infertility sisters are awesome.  I received a beautiful, inspiring, hopeful message from my gorgeous buddy, Elisha.  Perfect.Timing.  If you’d like to reap the benefits of a pen pal, please add your name to this blog:  Calling All Pen Pals.  Speaking of, Mrs. D, I had your email wrong!  I’ve forwarded you the chain of emails that have been sent to me.  I hope you got them!

I’m sorry, people.  I tried to put together a nice blog, all flow-y and funny.  Couldn’t do it.  I wanted to reply to comments, but haven’t gotten there yet.  I also tried to reply to a lot of the emails that were sent in out this week, but haven’t been able to.  I’ve been feeling like crap emotionally.  I’m having a hard time figuring out how I’m supposed to feel with this current chemical pregnancy and my situation in general.  Turns out you can’t always just pretend everything is perfect and have it turn out that way.  I haven’t figured out how to “Fake It Till {I} Make It”.



A Little Bit of Everything (and why won’t my “f” key work without me having to mash it??)


So Cody and I celebrated 7 years of knowing each other/dating on April 1st.  It was a good day – but I ended up with my period.  Good and bad, in a way.  Good because it meant we could move forward with trying to make a(nother) baby.  Not good cause, well, it was our anniversary.  And I had my period.

We headed off to the clinic on CD3.  Instead of jumping into another IUI attempt, we opted to give’r a go the old fashioned way: Femara, Ovidrel, timed intercourse.  I’m on CD10 now, have 3 follicles (one dominant) and will be triggering either Monday or Tuesday.

Toby went back for his second (and last!) set of shots.  He took ’em like a champ!  He’s growing so fast (he gained 2 pounds in 3 weeks!).  His personality is growing too – he’s a little snuggle bug.  Unfortunately for us, he decides he needs to snuggle at 2AM.  Preparation for a baby, as was hinted to me by my fav nurse, Ella, today.

I found myself back in the Urgent Care Center today.  My light-headedness has returned (not the same thing as the super intense vertigo I had initially experienced).  My sinuses are angry.  My ear hurts and has a ringing in it.  And still, there’s no real answer from these people.  I just want to be issued some antibiotics so I can see if that will help anything.  But the clinic has some weird policy about not giving antibiotics or something.  So instead, I’m told to do the Epley manoeuvre (which worked – until a few days ago), try the Serc meds again, test my blood sugar, and have blood work completed.  No… nothing I haven’t already done.  In another opinion, my boss (who is a Pharmacist and studying Chinese medicine/acupuncture) seems to think I’m blood deficient.  Having a full blood work panel would show if this is accurate or not.  I also finally got a prescription for the “Golden Star” of prenatal vitamins and will be starting them soon.  If I am deficient in anything, I assume these vitamins would help me feel better?

I guess that’s it for now.  I’m super tired from being kept awake from my “cat-baby” and then having to get up at 4:45AM to go to the clinic.  Hope all of this makes some sort of sense!


with a dizzy smile,




I LIED!  Have you all heard that the Backstreet Boys and Spice Girls are in talks of doing a tour together?!  Please please please please please make this happen, Concert-Powers-That-Be!

Woe Is NOT Me

Ok, so I’m ready to remove my head from my ass.

I’m sorry, guys!  I was whiny, weepy, and woeful.  Cody was doing a good job of being there for me, but I was still being a baby about everything and brought it here.  Not getting my period isn’t helping my case either.  I’m so sorry if I annoyed you with all my bitching.  I’ll try to keep it to a minimum from now on.  

Who am I kidding?  All I do is bitch on this blog sometimes. 

Anyway, I am feeling much better!  The vertigo that caused me to go to the Urgent Care Clinic is gone.  Thank you, Epley Manoeuvre!  And the medication “Serc”, I guess.  There is still some pressure/pain in my ear with a weird noise attached to it, but all in all, I’d say I’m on the mend.  I’ve even figured out that caffeine aggravates the symptoms I do still have, so I’m working on cutting it out of my system completely.  Apparently a diet too high in sodium will also enhance symptoms, so no more poutine, KFC, Chinese food, or chips.  You can’t see it, but I’m actually frowning about that.  I try not to have those things often, but they are things I do enjoy.  Especially poutine!  What’s a Canadian girl supposed to do without poutine?

I’m not going to lie – the thought of (another) lifelong illness sucks.  I have been dealing with ears/nose/throat/sinus issues for as long as I can remember, so it’s not that.  It’s the idea that I could end up with permanent hearing loss.  It’s also that it’s another thing I might potentially pass on to my future babies.  That does not make me feel good!

I have managed to reason with myself (with Cody’s help) and have concluded I don’t likely have MS.  Of course, it’s possible.  But I’m not going to sit here and worry myself sick about it.  In reality, I don’t have many symptoms that would indicate I could have MS, especially  since it’s all been ear related (NOT an MS symptom) and the medication and physical therapy exercises I’ve done have alleviated my problems.  I will have to have tests on my ear in the future and also some tests to rule out other possible causes of the dizziness – but until I have those done, what can I do?  

Live life.  THAT’s what I can (and will) do!

There was a cherry on top of the shit (being passed off as ice cream) I was served last week.  I received a letter in the mail from the hospital in my town.  They would like to know more about my “visit” to the emergency room on December 30th, 2013 (my miscarriage date).  Well, Mr. Letter Sender, my “stay” was terrible.  Maybe you should read my chart first, figure out WHY I was there, and then decide if I’d like to rehash the dirty details with some stranger who doesn’t care and then give you some suggestions or comments about your facility and staff. 

*insert 774 eye rolls here*

That’s about it for me!  Hope life is gum drops and candy canes for you all!




PS – Am I the only one who thinks a cat carrying a toy in his mouth is adorable?  Also, speaking of cats, go to YouTube and search “Cats vs Balloons”.  HILARIOUS.


Oh, Lord.  I need to have a baby.  I’m becoming a cat lady.