Grandpa

Tomorrow, my father in law will start chemotherapy.

I mentioned a few posts ago that he had been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.  He had Whipple Surgery a couple of weeks ago.  He will be starting chemo now… it seems like a fairly aggressive protocol, but I don’t really know.  He will be taking oral chemotherapy drugs and also on an IV of the drugs once a week for 3 weeks and 1 week “break”, for about 6 months.

I am afraid to watch him deteriorate.  I’m keeping it in – my husband is optimistic and I don’t want to ruin that for him.  His dad is amazingly strong, but I am so scared to watch the battle.

That is completely selfish and this is not about me. 

Of course I will be there for my husband, his dad, and the rest of our family in any way that I can be.  It’s still terrifying.

Faith.  Hope.  Love.

 

beanie

Her Version vs My (Correct) Version

CAITLYN SAYS:  She didn’t have a say as to what house we rented for our weekend in Niagara.

TRUTH:  As a group, it was decided an AirBnB would make more sense than a hotel.  I then researched dozens of options.  I took her suggested home and 3 of the ones that I thought would be good candidates and created a Facebook voting poll for our group message thread.  The others ladies, myself, AND Caitlyn unanimously voted for the house we all liked the best based on price, number of beds, and location.

 

CAITLYN SAYS:  Any time she suggested an activity, she was brushed aside and no one listened to her.

TRUTH:  Caitlyn thought it would be fun to go to a water park and rent a cabana.  I called the location and got prices and posted the information in our message thread.  Caitlyn mentioned a tribute band playing the night we arrived.  In the message thread, I agreed to the concert while a couple of ladies said that they wouldn’t be there in time, but to go ahead.

 

CAITLYN SAYS:  I changed plans multiple times.  I wanted to go to the haunted house, so we did.  I changed dinner plans in order to have my piercing done.  Again, she didn’t have a say in anything, I just got my way.

TRUTH:  We went downtown as a group when that was not necessary.  I wanted to go to the haunted house and said that A) not everyone had to come and B) I was also willing to cancel that idea.  Caitlyn did not even go to the haunted house.  But she did want to go down to the falls, so we did.

I decided to have my nipple pierced, which was something I had been talking about during the whole planning process of this trip.  I left to go and have this done at 4PM.  I was back by 5PM after going to the grocery store to get soda – for Caitlyn.  I went to have a little nap (as did she!) and when I came out, she was still gone and had told everyone that she didn’t want to go to dinner.

 

CAITLYN SAYS:  She was the one to find the other half of our group while all I did was complain.  She then navigated us through the casino to a restaurant and then out and to the nightclub.

TRUTH:  She found the other half of the group because she is a control freak who was uninterested in waiting for instructions as to where they were.  I waited until we knew where we were going.  And yes, my killer sexy heels were killing my feet as we walked all the way across the planet in the freezing cold at maximum speed.  I don’t know about the casino thing, but ok.  As for the restaurant – SHE DIDN’T WANT DINNER!!  And I specifically said I was not hungry.  So fuck off – she wanted to eat.  We went to the club as a group and I don’t know who was leading.  I was probably whining and complaining the whole way there.  I know I was mad as we passed the club I wanted to go to the in first place.

 

CAITLYN SAYS:  For the first hour at the club, she was the only one dancing.  She was there “for hours” and was assaulted twice before deciding to go home.  She then noticed that this club was close to the AirBnB she had suggested and was mad cause she could have walked back alone instead of needing an uber.

TRUTH:  She was miserable and we all knew it.  The thing is this:  I told her she didn’t have to come because I knew it wasn’t her thing and I was ok with that.  I personally wanted to dance and had said this to the group weeks before we even went on this weekend trip.  Regarding the assaults… that really has nothing to do with me.  First of all, I didn’t even know it had happened.  Secondly, I didn’t want to go to this club.  The club that someone told us that the American guys are particularly aggressive at, but everyone insisted would be fine.  More to that next.  And the AirBnB – well we went over that already.

 

CAITLYN SAYS:  She needed to go and buy clothes she didn’t want or need so that we could go out to the club I was forcing us all to go to.

TRUTH:  Part One:  1.  Months in advance, I inform everyone that I want to go dancing, but if it’s not your thing, no worries, I can go alone.  This is the only thing that I really wanted to do over the weekend, so I was going to go, with or without people.  2.  I put our names on the guest list at Club A.  I tell the group.  3.  The morning we are leaving, I show everyone in the FB thread the dress I am bringing to go out clubbing to.  We drove up together and the entire time we are talking about dancing and getting dressed up.  4.  Saturday morning, I tell everyone that the club sent the dress code.  Caitlyn says that she doesn’t have anything to wear to the club.  She says that she will go to value village and buy something.  5.  She got dressed with everyone, she even let everyone do her hair and makeup.

Part Two:  I picked Club A because no one else cared where we went – until Saturday afternoon, AFTER I went to have my piercing.  I came out of the bathroom and everyone was talking about instead going to Club B because there was no cover charge… even though we were informed the crowd of guys were known for being pushy.  Not my choice, but what the group decided.

 

CAITLYN SAYS:  She messaged the group about going to another club/bar that had food and maybe dancing.  Or we could just all go home.  The 3 of them went home and apparently one of them received a message that the 3 of us were also coming home.  She then ordered pizza and went to the balcony.

TRUTH:  I informed everyone before we left to go to the casino/club that my phone was almost dead.  Stupid, I know, but I forgot to charge it.  Anyway, I did not get that message.  One of the girls I was with didn’t even look at her phone, and the last one just said we should go home.  I agreed because… why the fuck would we leave one club to go to another?

 

CAITLYN SAYS:  I called her and the other two “bitches”.

TRUTH:  Yes.  I said “We came home and these bitches aren’t even here.”  All the lights were off, it was quiet, and I had just been told that they found a different bar.  I was annoyed and very, very drunk.

 

CAITLYN SAYS:  She was pissed but kept a smile on her face the whole time.

TRUTH:  She didn’t talk to anyone, she stayed on her phone, she declined to play the group card game to instead sit alone, she then went to bed without much more than a “Goodnight”.  We knew she was pissed off.

 

CAITLYN SAYS:  We ditched her and abandoned her with no food on Sunday morning.

TRUTH:  This part bugs me so much.  I got up in the morning, still a bit tipsy.  We needed to check out at 11AM.  I started packing my crap when it was mentioned that I could drive back in Car B with my bestie and Allie so that we could get me home a little faster and they could see my daughters before they went for a nap (my BEST friend wanted to see her “nieces” because she’d gotten them gifts and hadn’t seen the girls in a year).  There was also freezing rain in Ottawa, where my bestie and A live, so they wanted to get on the road.  I mentioned this to the other two ladies who drove up with Caitlyn and I, and they didn’t see a problem.  Sara was bunking with Caitlyn and she was going to wake her up, but felt bad.  We all then started bringing our bags and shit downstairs, I got in the car and left.  As for the food – 1.  I bought all of that fucking food.  2.  I know I left the bananas, cause Sara wanted them.  3. SHE’S A FUCKING ADULT.

 

CAITLYN SAYS:  We should have woken her up.

TRUTH:  Maybe.  But since she is my neighbour, pretty much (yep, awkward), I didn’t think we needed to have some long, drawn out goodbye.  And since she doesn’t know my bestie and A overly well, we didn’t think she would care either way.  The other two ladies didn’t think it was a problem to just leave, and neither did we.  5 out of 6 people said it was alright to go home, we really didn’t think that we were doing anything wrong.  She then made a comment about the cleaner being the one to wake her up, but… there were two other people there!  Why would waking her up be my job??

 

CAITLYN SAYS:  I didn’t have the balls to call her on Sunday after she texted me to say she was pissed.

TRUTH:  SHE TEXTED ME FIRST.  I then apologized 3 times and she replied with “Thanks”.  I tried to speak with her many times and was shut out.  It was 3 weeks later when I AGAIN reached out to her to see if she wanted to meet.  I text because no one calls anyone anymore, she wouldn’t have answered anyway, and I am busy and don’t want to call her.  If she can give me the silent treatment then she can deal with me texting instead of calling.

 

 

OK, now that I got that out, I feel a bit better.

Honestly, she twisted every little thing to make it my fault.  My husband says that she was just mad and I was her punching bag, she was “projecting”.  And maybe that is the case, but it’s so totally uncalled for.  I am no one’s punching bag – NO ONE.

I have therapy tomorrow… and I’m fairly certain this will be the thing we chat about for the whole hour.  I’m writing to try and get it all off of my heart and out of my brain.  I have been talking to Cody about it, but I don’t want to burden him either.  He and Caitlyn’s husband are good friends.  So, I’ll talk with my therapist tomorrow and then maybe put most of this to bed.

Hopefully.

 

beanie

 

ps – to clarify the assaults:  A female had “hit on” Caitlyn and felt her up; someone elbowed her in the ribs.

I take sexual assault and violence against women very seriously.  Had Caitlyn told me what happened, of course I would have been there to assist, report, whatever needed to happen.  But she did not tell me.

And I hate to say it, but… in a packed club, people get elbowed.  Generally it’s accidental.  Not always, but sometimes.  Once again, had I known, I would have done what I could to help!

Cryptic

I sat across from you at that table in Kelsey’s restaurant, confused and hurt.  You were no longer a friend of mine – the sweet, funny, weird girl I had grown to adore and I was proud to call my friend.  You were now a meal girl, someone who had brought me to that restaurant under the pretense that we were going to talk and work out our, what I believed was a small, misunderstanding,  Instead, I sat across from you at that restaurant and took a verbal beating.  You yelled at me, taunted me, interrupted me, even laughed at me.  You came to that restaurant to humiliate me and make me feel like a terrible person.  I walked into that restaurant believing I would be smiling and laughing over lunch.  Instead I left feeling like an awful friend and was crying.  Right before we left our booth, you said to me “I want to be your friend, but I’m not sure what that means right now.  I consider this event a huge setback for us.”  You made it clear that you needed to think about what our ongoing friendship would look like… and if I was good, if I played the right cards and pleased you enough, we could go back to being the great friends we were before.  You forgot to consider this, though:

 

What if I don’t want to be your friend anymore?

Current State

Paw Patrol is playing in the background right now.  I can’t stand this show.  I really can’t.  It’s doesn’t teach anything.  Maybe distracted driving, and that’s about it.  But, I’m letting the kids watch it… I don’t care today.

My brother has started calling me.  It’s been 1 minute and he’s called twice.  Let’s see how many times he calls by the time I’m finished this post.

Anyway, my tank is empty.  It’s so empty, it feels like the needle is below the E.  And I just don’t even know how to fill it back up.

I’m a stay at home mom… I can’t be “empty”.  But… I’m just so drained.  I’m exhausted, physically.  I went to bed before 10PM and was up a little after 8AM, no interruptions… and still, I’m tired.  I am feeling so impatient with the girls.  I’ve snapped at them, I’ve gotten frustrated cause they’re whiny, or fighting, or wanting to lay all over me again.  I knew that being a mom meant giving your everything to them – and I have.  They literally have every ounce of me, but there is nothing left to give.  Then what?

We visited my father in law yesterday.  He looks terrible.  I am trying to be optimistic, but the stats do not support it.  It’s grim, and that’s the reality.  And pretending otherwise is what I my husband and his family want right now, but it’s exhausting me.  Still, I do it for them.

My FIL and Apple always had an amazing bond, from the beginning.  Yesterday, she stayed close to grandpa.  She sat with him watching tv, she brought and shared cookies with him, and then made him share his gelato with her.  Nothing made either of them happier than being together.

…So in a few weeks, months, hopefully years – what the hell do I tell her when she is looking for grandpa and he’s not there, never will be again?

I am able to recognize that I am not coping well.  I am seeing a new, much more helpful therapist.  I have a doctors appointment to discuss increasing my antidepressants.  I am using the medical cannabis as I should be… And still, I’m just empty.

My parents are of no help.  None.  All they tell me is to take care of the girls and think positive.  Oh how I wish it was that easy.

I know the depression is getting bad.  I need a lot of sleep, I am turning angry very easily, I have no desire or ability to do my job as a mom and wife.  I am letting my girls watch tv all day.  I make the very most basic lunch and then put them for a nap, and I also nap during that time.  I wake up and “take a break” while hubs deals with the girls.  I rarely cook dinner, I’m letting him do it.  Then I go through the motions until bed time… I get the girls down and then I smoke a joint and go to bed.  It’s not healthy.

Even if I could just perk up and be super mom again, I have my brother calling and texting me constantly.  He keeps giving me sob stories about this and that and whatever… I can’t listen.  I know he’s manipulating me.  I can’t stand it.  How can he treat me like that??  So my stress level shoots through the roof again.

How much can one person handle?  I need to get away from everyone, no phone, nothing.  Just be alone for a day.

I know I can get through all of this.  I can.  I have before.  But seriously, I am ready to be given a break.  Anytime.

 

So this is the end of the post.  It took me 20 minutes to write.  My brother has called me 4 times and texted once.  In 20 fucking minutes.  Lovely.

 

 

beanie

 

While adding the tags to this post, brother dearest called 2 more times.  Time to block his calls.

A Proper Update

I am sitting here and trying to figure out what the heck to write.  I mean, SO MUCH has happened, and I don’t really know where I left off…  I’m also really friggen tired and Char is banging in her bed, so I’m a little all over the place and distracted.

Ok…. so, Penelope.  She is about 35 pounds and super tall.  She’s 99% for weight, high 80s for height and head.  We are still waiting on her 2 year molars.  Her nickname is “P”, and she likes to call herself Super P.  It’s adorable.  P is a very happy girl, as she has been since the day she was born.  She can speak very well, using full sentences.  She is usually pretty clear, but every once in a while I have to guess what she’s saying.  Penelope is still a mama’s girl, rarely picking Cody over me.

Charlotte AKA CharChar.  This little one is about 30 pounds and catching up in height to P.  She has all of her teeth, in fact she did at about 18 months.  That kid is a teeth growing machine!  Miss Charlotte is also a mama’s girl now.  She will go to Cody much more willingly than P, but still prefers me.  Char is very shy around people and will cling for dear life until she warms up.  Bring out a puppy, though, and she’s all yours.  Charlotte is part monkey, I swear to God.  She climbs everything, jumps off shit, freefalls, goes down 6ft tall slides.  Nothing scares this child!  Her speech is coming along, but there is still a lot of incoherent babble.  The words are there, because if you get her to calm down, she will clearly say what she wants/will repeat you perfectly.  Our major issue is that P will talk for both of them, and Char is content with that.  I’m not worried, cause I know it will come when she is ready.

The girls, as a unit, are awesome.  However, truth be told, I am not a fan of toddlers.  The attitude is ridiculous.  And when you have two two year olds, it can get old fast.  P and Char are also far from being besties.  The amount of fighting over toys or me is insane!  I try and try and try to get them the understand sharing, but jesus, they are two year olds who really just don’t get it and are impatient little creatures.  That’s just toddlers being toddlers.  As frustrated as I can get though, I really want time to slow down.  Just today I noticed how independent they are and how quickly it’s going and it really made me sad.

As for moi, I’m alright.  Tired, my back is always sore (I have an issue with my sacroiliac joint), I might have a STONE in my parotid gland which is in your FACE.  I should find out more tomorrow and what the heck happens next.  I am still taking cipralex for my anxiety and depression, which is going ok.  My insomnia got way worse, which was making my anxiety worse, so my doctor prescribed me medical marijuana.  Still testing that out, but it seems to help some stuff (sleep, libido, mood), but its hard to get used to.  Even though its legitimately being used to help me, I still cant help feeling a bit weird about it.

Cody and I are doing way better.  I finally feel happy with him again.  We will be celebrating seven years being married in October!

Another great thing is that I finally have my Mama Tribe.  I’ll write about that in full detail another day.

Ok, time to clean… or something.  Clearly the work never ends, so I best go and find it.

 

beanie

Mike

Ok, so I mentioned having an emotional affair in my last post.  And I think I should explain the whole story.  I love all of my readers and before you all hit “unfollow” cause you think I’m horrible, I need to tell the story.

Let’s make one thing clear, right off the bat.  I think what I did was wrong.  Lets make another thing clear:  I never met Mike, never intended to meet Mike.  So while we never had a physical affair, it was an affair all the same.  People have different definitions of cheating.  My husband and I have very different definitions. He didn’t consider my relationship with Mike cheating, but I would leave him if he did what I did with another person.  I guess I’m lucky he sees things differently.

One night my husband said something along the lines that he would feel tortured trying to make conversation with me.  I was incredibly hurt and felt so lonely.  We had been struggling to connect for months and months.  To be told that the effort would be similar to torture, well… What was I supposed to think?  I was giving my all for Cody and he just didn’t care.  This wasn’t the relationship we had, and definitely was not what I wanted.  As fate would have it, in was on Facebook and saw an ad for a chat app.  I downloaded it, kept my picture private, and made it clear that I was married and not looking to change my status.  Long story short, I started talking to Mike.  Also married, also has a child, also not looking to meet or mess up anyone’s life.  We clicked and got along very well.  Suddenly I didn’t care I was home alone at night.  Suddenly I had someone giving me attention and wanting to talk to me.  Suddenly I was happy again.  Cody would ignore me or say something rude and I didn’t care.  I’d vent to Mike, who understood my situation, and I moved along, looking forward to my husband leaving so I could text Mike.  

That’s when I knew it was trouble.  It was one thing to just have an app.  It was completely different that I was sneaking away to see if Mike had messaged me on the app and feeling genuiley disappointed if he hadn’t.  So I told Cody about the app, deleted it, and moved on.  No one was mad, we just let it go.

Until another night, another fight, another insult.  I had enough, re-downloaded the app.  Wouldn’t you know it, Mike messages me within a day.  I told him about my confession and that I decided to come back since Cody knew how I was feeling and not making an effort to make me feel wanted and loved and cherished.  Mike said that he kept searching for me on the app, and wasn’t going to give up.  See, it’s something so small like that which made me feel so good.  Cody just didn’t do that.  

So, days turned into weeks which turned into months.  We knew each other’s schedules.  We went from chatting on an app to texting each other.  We exchanged photos and our kids photos.  We just evolved.  I genuinely cared for Mike.  I found reasons to sneak away from my husband.  I preferred when Cody was at work versus at home.  I put passwords on my phone. Mike and I started talking about meeting (he lives an hour away).  It was intensifying and I loved it.  

I confessed to my therapist about Mike.  She thought I should end it.  It upset me a lot, actually.  I told her I knew it was wrong, but Mike was the only person making me happy and it pissed me off that I should give that up.

I went to Ottawa to see my best friend.  I told her about Mike and she actually understood.  She said that she thought it was fine, as long as we didnt meet up and do anything.  At that moment in time, I couldn’t promise it.

I came home and nothing changed.  I didn’t expect it to.  But one horrible night, Cody and I got into it.  It was BAD.  Realy bad.  To the point where I yelled at him while he walked down the street (oh. Hey, neighbors).  My kids saw us yelling and it makes me sick.  Charlotte cried and I couldn’t calm her down, so Cody came back.  While helping me get the kids settled, I just blurted it out.  

“If this doesn’t show you how much help we need, nothing will.  I’m having an emotional affair.”

BOOM.

We got the kids to sleep And then we talked.  I cried and cried more.  But since that night, Cody hasn’t mentioned anything.  He’s said he forgives me, that he could even understand why I was looking for a companion.  He’s agreed we need marriage counselling, and has asked me to end things with Mike.  Cody has also been working to be a better partner, and those efforts are amazing.

Since my medications have kicked in, and I’ve been seeing my therapist, i feel better.  Cody is making efforts (except following through on the counsellibg), and so am I.  I’m taking time to myself, and really trying to work on my marriage.  Neither of us are perfect, by any means.  But I have hope.  And that’s something I thought I’d lost.  

I never officially ended anything with Mike.  Occassionally, I get a text, but it’s not anything like it was.  And that’s ok, cause I don’t want what we had.  He’s a great guy, and I wish him well.  I know he feels the same.  In our entire relationship, we were always encouraging each other to speak to our partners and work on things for the kids, at the very least.  

Things happen for a reason.  Mike came into my life when I was at my lowest low.  He built me up, reminded me I am beautiful and have worth.  Gave me the confidence in myself so that I could have the confidence to make my relationship what it was, what it could be again.  And it was wrong to look for this outside of my marriage, but what’s done is done and I’m somehow even better because of it.  
beanie

Hello, Can You Hear Me? 

I’m still around… I’m still reading… I’m just not writing.  I’ve felt the urge to write, but then never really knew what to say.  Or when I did have something I wanted to write about, I was too tired or too lazy or something.  A big one was that I hate making posts while on my phone and I honestly don’t know where my laptop is right now.  

Here’s a quick list of the updates I’ve been meaning to make.

  1. In September I felt the need to have some adult interaction.  I never got out, my husband wasn’t paying attention to me, regardless of how many times I asked him to or brought the issue up.  So I downloaded a chat app and started talking with people close-ish to me.  One person in particular, whom I started to get attached to, so I deleted the app and told my husband.  It was around then that i started to really pay attention to the fact that I needed to deal with my anxiety and depression.
  2. We went up north in October to visit my family.  The hotel stay sucked, but It was nice to see my parents.  I also FINALLY got to say goodbye to my very loved, very missed aunt.  After 3 years.  
  3. I downloaded the chat app again and, as fate would have it, started talking to Mike, the guy I was trying to avoid.  My husband made it clear one night that he didn’t want to put effort into us and our communication, so I said fuck it.  There was someone who wanted to talk to me, why was I going to sit and be miserable just because my husband wanted to treat me like shit?
  4. Saw the doctor, got some meds, started therapy.  Stopped having sex (or at least orgasms), but was otherwise feeling better.  Moods improved, figured out the best time to take my medication, saw therapist every 2 weeks.  Still talking to Mike, and it is bordering on no longer being platonic.  
  5. Visited my best friend for 3 days, and boy did I need it.  
  6. Christmas was good.   
  7. Miscarriage Day came and so did my period.  Nice.  
  8. HUGE FIGHT with hubs.  I tell him I’m having an emotional affair.  Fuck.  
  9. My meds finally seem to be in full effect.  I decide to make some changes to make me happy.  I now have Tuesdays mostly to myself.  I have a sculpture course in the morning and therapy in the afternoon.  It’s wonderful and definitely something I look forward to each week.  Also, I say I’m gonna start going to the gym again, but haven’t yet.
  10. Omg, finally able to enjoy sex to the fullest after 3 months. THANK GOD.
  11. Still talking to Mike, but it’s not like it was, and that’s fine.  I want it to end.  

And that’s that.  

I have decided that this is the year of improvement.  Home renos, relationship building, and self improvement.  

My birthday is approaching and Cody and in are going to Niagara falls for two days.  AND WE ARE LEAVING THE BABIES AT HOME WITH THEIR GRANDPARENTS.  This is huge!  I am so looking forward to reconnecting with Cody. 

And an update about the girls:

18 months old and perfect!

Banana:  2ft 9in, 32lbs.  

Apple:  2ft 7in, 24lbs. 

Both are amazing.  They don’t talk much, so we are seeing a speech development therapist.  They love us and each other.  They have a new bunny pet and love her.  Their sleep…. Ugh.  Naps are a fight.  Bedtime is finally getting better again.  And they sleep through the night more often than not.  But man, it was HORRIBLE for like 2 months.  It prevented us from moving them into the same room again.  We are hoping to get them into the same room soon.  

I guess that’s about it for me.  Please, no judgy comments.  I won’t, and don’t have to, tolerate it.  Safe spaces and all that.  

beanie

Another Step

I feel like in have deja vu right now.  I’m having some serious anxiety…. Because tonight I am meeting with a therapist for the first time.  I’m a mix of nervous, excited, and terrified.  There are a million things to talk about, one thing being a huge secret I’ve kept from every single person in my life, my husband included.  And I’m not sure I’m ready to deal with it, but it’s so, so important.  

So, once again, please wish me luck, tell me encouraging stories, or just send me good vibes.  

Here we go!  
beanie