Her Version vs My (Correct) Version

CAITLYN SAYS:  She didn’t have a say as to what house we rented for our weekend in Niagara.

TRUTH:  As a group, it was decided an AirBnB would make more sense than a hotel.  I then researched dozens of options.  I took her suggested home and 3 of the ones that I thought would be good candidates and created a Facebook voting poll for our group message thread.  The others ladies, myself, AND Caitlyn unanimously voted for the house we all liked the best based on price, number of beds, and location.


CAITLYN SAYS:  Any time she suggested an activity, she was brushed aside and no one listened to her.

TRUTH:  Caitlyn thought it would be fun to go to a water park and rent a cabana.  I called the location and got prices and posted the information in our message thread.  Caitlyn mentioned a tribute band playing the night we arrived.  In the message thread, I agreed to the concert while a couple of ladies said that they wouldn’t be there in time, but to go ahead.


CAITLYN SAYS:  I changed plans multiple times.  I wanted to go to the haunted house, so we did.  I changed dinner plans in order to have my piercing done.  Again, she didn’t have a say in anything, I just got my way.

TRUTH:  We went downtown as a group when that was not necessary.  I wanted to go to the haunted house and said that A) not everyone had to come and B) I was also willing to cancel that idea.  Caitlyn did not even go to the haunted house.  But she did want to go down to the falls, so we did.

I decided to have my nipple pierced, which was something I had been talking about during the whole planning process of this trip.  I left to go and have this done at 4PM.  I was back by 5PM after going to the grocery store to get soda – for Caitlyn.  I went to have a little nap (as did she!) and when I came out, she was still gone and had told everyone that she didn’t want to go to dinner.


CAITLYN SAYS:  She was the one to find the other half of our group while all I did was complain.  She then navigated us through the casino to a restaurant and then out and to the nightclub.

TRUTH:  She found the other half of the group because she is a control freak who was uninterested in waiting for instructions as to where they were.  I waited until we knew where we were going.  And yes, my killer sexy heels were killing my feet as we walked all the way across the planet in the freezing cold at maximum speed.  I don’t know about the casino thing, but ok.  As for the restaurant – SHE DIDN’T WANT DINNER!!  And I specifically said I was not hungry.  So fuck off – she wanted to eat.  We went to the club as a group and I don’t know who was leading.  I was probably whining and complaining the whole way there.  I know I was mad as we passed the club I wanted to go to the in first place.


CAITLYN SAYS:  For the first hour at the club, she was the only one dancing.  She was there “for hours” and was assaulted twice before deciding to go home.  She then noticed that this club was close to the AirBnB she had suggested and was mad cause she could have walked back alone instead of needing an uber.

TRUTH:  She was miserable and we all knew it.  The thing is this:  I told her she didn’t have to come because I knew it wasn’t her thing and I was ok with that.  I personally wanted to dance and had said this to the group weeks before we even went on this weekend trip.  Regarding the assaults… that really has nothing to do with me.  First of all, I didn’t even know it had happened.  Secondly, I didn’t want to go to this club.  The club that someone told us that the American guys are particularly aggressive at, but everyone insisted would be fine.  More to that next.  And the AirBnB – well we went over that already.


CAITLYN SAYS:  She needed to go and buy clothes she didn’t want or need so that we could go out to the club I was forcing us all to go to.

TRUTH:  Part One:  1.  Months in advance, I inform everyone that I want to go dancing, but if it’s not your thing, no worries, I can go alone.  This is the only thing that I really wanted to do over the weekend, so I was going to go, with or without people.  2.  I put our names on the guest list at Club A.  I tell the group.  3.  The morning we are leaving, I show everyone in the FB thread the dress I am bringing to go out clubbing to.  We drove up together and the entire time we are talking about dancing and getting dressed up.  4.  Saturday morning, I tell everyone that the club sent the dress code.  Caitlyn says that she doesn’t have anything to wear to the club.  She says that she will go to value village and buy something.  5.  She got dressed with everyone, she even let everyone do her hair and makeup.

Part Two:  I picked Club A because no one else cared where we went – until Saturday afternoon, AFTER I went to have my piercing.  I came out of the bathroom and everyone was talking about instead going to Club B because there was no cover charge… even though we were informed the crowd of guys were known for being pushy.  Not my choice, but what the group decided.


CAITLYN SAYS:  She messaged the group about going to another club/bar that had food and maybe dancing.  Or we could just all go home.  The 3 of them went home and apparently one of them received a message that the 3 of us were also coming home.  She then ordered pizza and went to the balcony.

TRUTH:  I informed everyone before we left to go to the casino/club that my phone was almost dead.  Stupid, I know, but I forgot to charge it.  Anyway, I did not get that message.  One of the girls I was with didn’t even look at her phone, and the last one just said we should go home.  I agreed because… why the fuck would we leave one club to go to another?


CAITLYN SAYS:  I called her and the other two “bitches”.

TRUTH:  Yes.  I said “We came home and these bitches aren’t even here.”  All the lights were off, it was quiet, and I had just been told that they found a different bar.  I was annoyed and very, very drunk.


CAITLYN SAYS:  She was pissed but kept a smile on her face the whole time.

TRUTH:  She didn’t talk to anyone, she stayed on her phone, she declined to play the group card game to instead sit alone, she then went to bed without much more than a “Goodnight”.  We knew she was pissed off.


CAITLYN SAYS:  We ditched her and abandoned her with no food on Sunday morning.

TRUTH:  This part bugs me so much.  I got up in the morning, still a bit tipsy.  We needed to check out at 11AM.  I started packing my crap when it was mentioned that I could drive back in Car B with my bestie and Allie so that we could get me home a little faster and they could see my daughters before they went for a nap (my BEST friend wanted to see her “nieces” because she’d gotten them gifts and hadn’t seen the girls in a year).  There was also freezing rain in Ottawa, where my bestie and A live, so they wanted to get on the road.  I mentioned this to the other two ladies who drove up with Caitlyn and I, and they didn’t see a problem.  Sara was bunking with Caitlyn and she was going to wake her up, but felt bad.  We all then started bringing our bags and shit downstairs, I got in the car and left.  As for the food – 1.  I bought all of that fucking food.  2.  I know I left the bananas, cause Sara wanted them.  3. SHE’S A FUCKING ADULT.


CAITLYN SAYS:  We should have woken her up.

TRUTH:  Maybe.  But since she is my neighbour, pretty much (yep, awkward), I didn’t think we needed to have some long, drawn out goodbye.  And since she doesn’t know my bestie and A overly well, we didn’t think she would care either way.  The other two ladies didn’t think it was a problem to just leave, and neither did we.  5 out of 6 people said it was alright to go home, we really didn’t think that we were doing anything wrong.  She then made a comment about the cleaner being the one to wake her up, but… there were two other people there!  Why would waking her up be my job??


CAITLYN SAYS:  I didn’t have the balls to call her on Sunday after she texted me to say she was pissed.

TRUTH:  SHE TEXTED ME FIRST.  I then apologized 3 times and she replied with “Thanks”.  I tried to speak with her many times and was shut out.  It was 3 weeks later when I AGAIN reached out to her to see if she wanted to meet.  I text because no one calls anyone anymore, she wouldn’t have answered anyway, and I am busy and don’t want to call her.  If she can give me the silent treatment then she can deal with me texting instead of calling.



OK, now that I got that out, I feel a bit better.

Honestly, she twisted every little thing to make it my fault.  My husband says that she was just mad and I was her punching bag, she was “projecting”.  And maybe that is the case, but it’s so totally uncalled for.  I am no one’s punching bag – NO ONE.

I have therapy tomorrow… and I’m fairly certain this will be the thing we chat about for the whole hour.  I’m writing to try and get it all off of my heart and out of my brain.  I have been talking to Cody about it, but I don’t want to burden him either.  He and Caitlyn’s husband are good friends.  So, I’ll talk with my therapist tomorrow and then maybe put most of this to bed.





ps – to clarify the assaults:  A female had “hit on” Caitlyn and felt her up; someone elbowed her in the ribs.

I take sexual assault and violence against women very seriously.  Had Caitlyn told me what happened, of course I would have been there to assist, report, whatever needed to happen.  But she did not tell me.

And I hate to say it, but… in a packed club, people get elbowed.  Generally it’s accidental.  Not always, but sometimes.  Once again, had I known, I would have done what I could to help!

Confessions of a Hormonal Raging Bitch

I must be going crazy.  It’s the only explanation.

First, I’m a raging, jealous bitch.  I’m envious of everything.  Things that don’t make a difference to me.  Oh – friend, Jessica is buying a new car.  Really should mean nothing to me… except that I feel like causing physical harm.  I’m pissed off cause I know she can’t afford the car.  She can’t afford insurance.  She’s a terrible driver too!  Just because I know these things, still shouldn’t make me all pissed off, should it?  I’m annoyed because she’s miraculously found the money for these things (*cough*  daddy.  *cough*…  *cough* ridiculously generous boss who has no idea that this friend of mine is going to quit her job and the only reason she wants a car is so that she can go on interviews.  um… *cough*).  I can’t even get a decent job, let alone find a boss willing to just give me a few thousand dollars just because.  Jessica gets new TV’s, has a stupid large DVD collection of limited edition Disney movies.  She eats out all of the time.  She has student loans, like 6 maxed out credit cards and complains that she never has enough money.  But she’s buying a fucking car.  News flash, bitch:  the cost of the car and the insurance is just the beginning.  You need money for maintenance, gas, parking.

And again, this should mean nothing to me.  She’s goes in even more debt – no harm to me, is it?

There’s a whole pile of other issues that piss me off about this particular friend (and I’m feeling more and more evil as I continue to bitch about her.).  She’s overweight – like really overweight – and she couldn’t care less.  I mean, Jessica talks about how she wants to lose weight, and is usually buying a bag of chips while she says it.  I don’t really care, because A) I have my own weight issues and B) it’s her problem, not mine.  The thing that annoys me is that I’ve worked so hard to lose weight; I try to watch what I eat; I make attempts at exercising.  And still, I’m diabetic.  Now, I’m not wishing diabetes on anyone – it’s a bitch and if you’re not careful, she’ll take your life.  Sometimes just a toe like some bastard in the Mafia you owe money to.  My point here is this:  it’s not fair.  I sound completely juvenile and spoiled as I say that, but it’s true.  I’m fully aware that life is not fair, but sometimes that alone is not fair.

By this point I’m sure you’re wondering what the fuck this has to do with getting pregnant.  Here goes.  Since Jessica has weight issues and health issues I’m sure I’m not aware of, she’s also had some problems with her ovaries.. basically, she doesn’t stop bleeding unless she’s on birth control tablets.  The doctor has told her that she desperately needs to lose weight and that it’s too much for her ovaries to handle.  She does not care.  She is on a type of birth control to cause her to only have a period every three months.  She was anaemic and needing iron supplements because her body could not stop her from bleeding. SHE DOES NOT CARE!!  WHAT THE FUCK.  She tells me she wants a baby and because she’s 32, she needs to get started.  But she’s not dating.  She has no interest in dating.  In fact, she’s told me outright that she wants a partner only because she wants a house and child.  She can’t afford either on her own.  And Artificial Insemination, sperm donors, and medications are too much for her to pay for.  WHAT. THE. EVER-LOVING. FUCK.  I’m raging all over.  And the kicker?  I bet if she lost weight, her period would even out and she’d get pregnant with no problems.

And here I sit:  fairly balanced woman with a loving husband, in a healthy-ish relationship, ready to give my beautiful curly haired baby all I can.  And I get to struggle.  Fertility medications, fertility treatments, ultrasounds, pelvic exams, appointments, crying, laughing, crying some more, and no positive result at the end of it all.

Readers, I’m really not a terrible person.  I don’t back stab my friends.  I don’t gossip.  I’m bitching about all of this today because it’s on my mind and bothering me.  But Jessica isn’t Jessica’s real name.  And even if it was, I don’t use my own real name and no one I know (with the exception of Cody) even knows I have a blog.  And I wouldn’t believe it for a second if someone told me that they never bitched about a friend.

In addition to being jealous about cars and jobs, I’m jealous of other friends.  I’m jealous of a particularly cute, newly married, close couple-friends of ours.  I’m jealous cause I know they’re going to be trying for a baby soon and they’re going to be successful.  Again, I’m not wishing infertility on anyone – and I really hope they have a baby.  It’s going to be so cute and they’ll be lovely parents.  I’m not going to lie though – I’m going to be insanely envious.  And sad.. for Cody and I.  Cause that’s what fertility issues does to you.

When someone announces on Facebook (how personal, bitch) that they’re pregnant, no joke – they’re blocked.  A friend of mine had a baby boy and the only reason I knew he was born was because I have her sister on Facebook as well, and she announced the arrival.  I haven’t unblocked her – I don’t want to see pictures.  Clearly, we’re not close friends.

In fact, after all this bitching, it’s no wonder I don’t have many close friends.

With all of the envy and jealousy seeping through my pores, it has me wondering if there’s a greater being looking down on me and saying that it’s not my time since I don’t seem to want it for the right reasons.  I’m coveting my neighbours healthy womb.


Anyway, there’s another part to the post.  I’m sure you’re tired of reading by now, so if you want to break and come back later, I get it.

I’m having fucked up dreams.

My mother left me when I was about 2 years old (ohhhhh, that’s a whole other pile of insecurities about why I’m not pregnant or how I’ll fair as a mother).  I haven’t seen my mother since I was 7 and I have no intentions of having any meet-and-greets in the near future.  Anyway, dreams.  I had a dream I told her off the other day.  It was fantastic and satisfying and so real.

It was followed by a dream that I can’t get out of my head:  I went to the fertility clinic and had an ultrasound.  The technician pointed to a circle on the screen and said that I was pregnant.  I look closer, and it changed to the infertility circle symbol.  How fucked is that?

And then last night I had a terrible dream.  Another friend of mine is 7 months pregnant and in this dream, I saw her at the hospital in a wheel chair.  I walked up to her and asked her if it was time.  She cried and told me that she couldn’t feel the baby moving anymore.  I feel terrible even writing that I had that dream.

Normally, I do have vivid and clear dreams.  I remember them easily, as they’re usually very traumatic for me.  I’ve had a dream about one of my nieces dying; I dreamt that my mother shot my Dad.  I have countless dreams about Cody leaving me.  And while planning our wedding, I always dreamt that I forgot my shoes on the day of the wedding.  I don’t know what they mean.  All I can assume is that my insecurities, frustrations, and fears are surfacing.

It’s making it really hard to get a good night of sleep.

Thanks for letting me vent… again.  I hope you don’t think I’m a terrible person.