Fuck.

Yeah, its been quite a while since I posted.  I thought about apologizing, but why?  No one cares.  I’m not being negative, I am being realistic.  Life happens.  Would I expect a blogger to apologize to me for taking a break?  No.  So, with that, I don’t think it’s necessary to apologize.

Speaking of breaks though… I think I take them when things are good and I am not super stressed.  And then when something insane happens, I gravitate back to the blog to get my feelings out.

So what is the stressful event causing me to come back?

My father in law was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer yesterday.

I don’t know what to do or think.  I have no idea how to act.  I am so stunned.  And sad.

We don’t know too much at the moment.  He will be going for some scans to see if the cancer has metastasized, and then we go from there.  Surgery might be possible, which might be the best possible outcome.

I’m a planner.  And I’m also a fixer…. but neither of these two things are helpful right now.

I’ve only lost one person in my adult life.  This is so foreign to me.  And because it’s my father in law, I don’t think I can inject myself into the situatio too much.  I don’t think it would be helpful or appreciated, and I understand that.

My husband is a mess, as he should be.  All of our current marriage issues (which actually are very few at the moment) are put aside.  I already run the household, but now I have the extra task of comforting my husband which is something I’m not overly familiar with.  Cody is a very strong and silent kind of guy.  Seeing him cry is breaking my heart.

None of the information I’ve read is promising.  None of it!  And I just cant lie to Cody…. He knows, anyway.  He’s reading all of the same information.

I don’t know, guys.  I’m fucked right now.

My anxiety has already been off the charts.  My brother has been in contact with me, asking for money.  He’s back into the drugs, but this time it’s prescribed.  He’s abusing it.. and that’s because he is an addict.  I don’t blame him for anything, this is just who he is and his struggle.  It causes a lot of stress and anxiety for me… I live in fear of my phone.  If I don’t hear from him, I think he’s dead.  When I do hear from him, I listen to all of the ways he almost died that week (he’s epileptic with uncontrolled grand mal seizures), or trying to make him believe I don’t have money to give him.

And then there’s the problems with my own parents.

And there’s my binge eating, my own stress of being a stay at home mother, my secrets,  everything.  Just everything.

And now this.

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2 thoughts on “Fuck.

  1. I can’t offer much other than a virtual hug – that’s a lot to deal with. My father-in-law was also diagnosed with pancreatic cancer while we were pregnant with the girls. Unfortunately in our case it all happened very quickly and he passed away about three months later. All you can do is stand by your hubby and do your best to support him, that’s all you can do in such hard times 😦

  2. This is over 6 months late but I’m just now catching up on blogs from 2018 but I wanted to say that I’m so sorry your family is going through this and that you’re having to deal with extra stress from your family too. Sending you love and hugs and hope as I keep reading the blogs, there’s good news about your FIL.

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