December 30th

It’s amazing how 4 years have passed and today still hurts.

4 years ago today I was at work when the cramps started.  I went to the washroom and saw the blood.  I knew Bumble was gone, but I hoped and I prayed and I begged to be wrong.  The doctors showed the required amount of sympathy.  The ultrasound technicians were barbaric.  My husband cried with me.  We went home and I spent the next 4 days in bed or on the bathroom floor crying.  The pain was terrible and the loss was devastating.

It’s been exactly 4 years since I was told my baby was gone but “at least we know you can get pregnant.”  and they were right, because 4 years later I have 2.5 year old twins who are a complete joy in my life.  They are my everything.  But 4 years later I sit wonder what Bumble would have looked like.  What kind of temperament he would have had.  Would he like his sisters?  Would he and I have had an amazing attachment?  Would P&C Chase him, begging for his attention?  Would I still want more kids if I had the 3 of them?

I’ll never know.

Will December 30th always be a reminder of the most painful day of my life, emotionally and physically?  Or will I one day want to celebrate new years eve eve again?  In 20 years will I forget this awful day?

I have no idea.

I think of Bumble often.  Today, especially.  I let the emotions do their thing, but I have my girls to look after as well.  When they are in bed, I will look at his one and only ultrasound photo and probably cry.  And I will then go to bed.  Life resumes and has to continue as normal… But I think of Bumble and wish that I had everything I have now, just with a feisty, almost 4 year old little dude included in our bunch.

I loved you fiercely, my love.  I still do.  I always will.

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