Mike

Ok, so I mentioned having an emotional affair in my last post.  And I think I should explain the whole story.  I love all of my readers and before you all hit “unfollow” cause you think I’m horrible, I need to tell the story.

Let’s make one thing clear, right off the bat.  I think what I did was wrong.  Lets make another thing clear:  I never met Mike, never intended to meet Mike.  So while we never had a physical affair, it was an affair all the same.  People have different definitions of cheating.  My husband and I have very different definitions. He didn’t consider my relationship with Mike cheating, but I would leave him if he did what I did with another person.  I guess I’m lucky he sees things differently.

One night my husband said something along the lines that he would feel tortured trying to make conversation with me.  I was incredibly hurt and felt so lonely.  We had been struggling to connect for months and months.  To be told that the effort would be similar to torture, well… What was I supposed to think?  I was giving my all for Cody and he just didn’t care.  This wasn’t the relationship we had, and definitely was not what I wanted.  As fate would have it, in was on Facebook and saw an ad for a chat app.  I downloaded it, kept my picture private, and made it clear that I was married and not looking to change my status.  Long story short, I started talking to Mike.  Also married, also has a child, also not looking to meet or mess up anyone’s life.  We clicked and got along very well.  Suddenly I didn’t care I was home alone at night.  Suddenly I had someone giving me attention and wanting to talk to me.  Suddenly I was happy again.  Cody would ignore me or say something rude and I didn’t care.  I’d vent to Mike, who understood my situation, and I moved along, looking forward to my husband leaving so I could text Mike.  

That’s when I knew it was trouble.  It was one thing to just have an app.  It was completely different that I was sneaking away to see if Mike had messaged me on the app and feeling genuiley disappointed if he hadn’t.  So I told Cody about the app, deleted it, and moved on.  No one was mad, we just let it go.

Until another night, another fight, another insult.  I had enough, re-downloaded the app.  Wouldn’t you know it, Mike messages me within a day.  I told him about my confession and that I decided to come back since Cody knew how I was feeling and not making an effort to make me feel wanted and loved and cherished.  Mike said that he kept searching for me on the app, and wasn’t going to give up.  See, it’s something so small like that which made me feel so good.  Cody just didn’t do that.  

So, days turned into weeks which turned into months.  We knew each other’s schedules.  We went from chatting on an app to texting each other.  We exchanged photos and our kids photos.  We just evolved.  I genuinely cared for Mike.  I found reasons to sneak away from my husband.  I preferred when Cody was at work versus at home.  I put passwords on my phone. Mike and I started talking about meeting (he lives an hour away).  It was intensifying and I loved it.  

I confessed to my therapist about Mike.  She thought I should end it.  It upset me a lot, actually.  I told her I knew it was wrong, but Mike was the only person making me happy and it pissed me off that I should give that up.

I went to Ottawa to see my best friend.  I told her about Mike and she actually understood.  She said that she thought it was fine, as long as we didnt meet up and do anything.  At that moment in time, I couldn’t promise it.

I came home and nothing changed.  I didn’t expect it to.  But one horrible night, Cody and I got into it.  It was BAD.  Realy bad.  To the point where I yelled at him while he walked down the street (oh. Hey, neighbors).  My kids saw us yelling and it makes me sick.  Charlotte cried and I couldn’t calm her down, so Cody came back.  While helping me get the kids settled, I just blurted it out.  

“If this doesn’t show you how much help we need, nothing will.  I’m having an emotional affair.”

BOOM.

We got the kids to sleep And then we talked.  I cried and cried more.  But since that night, Cody hasn’t mentioned anything.  He’s said he forgives me, that he could even understand why I was looking for a companion.  He’s agreed we need marriage counselling, and has asked me to end things with Mike.  Cody has also been working to be a better partner, and those efforts are amazing.

Since my medications have kicked in, and I’ve been seeing my therapist, i feel better.  Cody is making efforts (except following through on the counsellibg), and so am I.  I’m taking time to myself, and really trying to work on my marriage.  Neither of us are perfect, by any means.  But I have hope.  And that’s something I thought I’d lost.  

I never officially ended anything with Mike.  Occassionally, I get a text, but it’s not anything like it was.  And that’s ok, cause I don’t want what we had.  He’s a great guy, and I wish him well.  I know he feels the same.  In our entire relationship, we were always encouraging each other to speak to our partners and work on things for the kids, at the very least.  

Things happen for a reason.  Mike came into my life when I was at my lowest low.  He built me up, reminded me I am beautiful and have worth.  Gave me the confidence in myself so that I could have the confidence to make my relationship what it was, what it could be again.  And it was wrong to look for this outside of my marriage, but what’s done is done and I’m somehow even better because of it.  
beanie

4 thoughts on “Mike

  1. First, I don’t think your horrible!! Second, I don’t have any good advice, but I do think it’s pretty admirable that you’ve been honest with your husband and your trying. I also think it’s great that your working with your therapist and confiding in a good friend. Surrounding ourselves with good people is just so important! Sending my love as always.

  2. I have to ditto what MPB said! Miss so hard when we’re not getting what we need from our partners for an extended period of time. I’m glad you guys are working things out and I really hope Cody follows through on the counseling.

  3. I ditto all of the above. I am so sorry you have gone through this. I certainly do not think you are a horrible person.
    I am really glad that you are both working on things now and I hope this is a step towards lots of improvement. There is nothing wrong with needing to know that someone cares about you and I am sorry that you were not feeling that.
    Happy to talk if you ever need me!

  4. I get it. I had these moments before Jeff left where I’d consider it. Even with Luke I’d continue to talk to people even though we were sleeping together in between visits because I needed that emotional validation. I’m not condoning it, but I’m not judging either. I’ve been there. The important thing is the effect it’s had on your marriage. Even if it lead to a separation it would still have the merit of giving you the confidence you needed. I commend you for this and knowing then to pull the plug.

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