Of course I remember my Bumble. People seem to find this weird. Or sad. Or pathetic. No one ever seems understanding.
My trainer at my gym was asking about if Cody and I wanted more kids. She’s a mother to three, two being twins. We often talk about kids when we are together. I brought up the fact that I’ve had a few losses before getting Apple and Banana home, so I wasn’t overly excited to jump on the pregnancy bandwagon. And fertility treatments are no where in my near future. She then said to me “you still remember the miscarriages? I had two, but I knew it was for the best. I couldn’t handle more kids and they weren’t planned.”
I remember everything. I got my very first positive test with Bumble in early November. I still have the one and only ultrasound of him. I no longer celebrate New Years Eve because I lost Bumble on December 30th. I can’t go near the hospital where I miscarried because I have panic attacks remembering the trauma. I am making bread right now in our bread maker, and as I layered the ingredients, I thought about how this was the gift we opened 5 minutes before telling Cody’s parents we were pregnant. Every August 17th, I calculate how old Bumble would be.
Yes, I have Apple and Banana and if things didn’t happen the way they did, I might not have these two beauties. That does not mean I don’t deserve the right to mourn the loss of my first baby, though.
October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day. I’ve changed my facebook profile picture, put a little status and will light my candle. Is it enough? Well, today it is. I have been silent for so long, but I’m changing that. I’m infertile. I’ve miscarried. These are real, common, serious, devastating issues! Why should any of us suffer in silence.
I’m here for you, sisters and brothers. Just like I know you’re here for me.
Much love, today and every day.