Spent

I am tired…  Physically, mentally, emotionally.  If there is a way to be financially tired, I am sure I’m that too.  

I’ve tried so many things to perk myself up, but it’s not working.  Gym: hate it.  New highlights: hate them.  I’ve given myself “me time”, I’ve tried to initiate “us time” with hubs, “girl time” with my cousin… everything!  And still, I’m a complete mess most of the time.  

I hold it together for my girls.  My husband takes the brunt of my frustrations.  Really, he’s the only one who knows how much I’m struggling.  15 months after having my girls, I’m not convinced it’s postpartum depression.  Maybe just real, true, depression.

Yes, I know I should go to the doctor.  I don’t need to be told that.

This is not what I was intending to write, but maybe it needed to come out.  

Anyway, all I do is cook and clean.  And change diapers, which isn’t horrible.  But I feel a little stir crazy lately, and because it’s not 5 billion degrees anymore, I’m literally antsy to get outside.  So, brilliant beanie decided to pack up the two cutest 15 month old twins the world has ever seen, and took them to the park.  Solo.

I’ve done solo trips before, but the walking aspect adds another level of insanity to deal with.  But we were good, we were the only ones at the park, and we.were.fine.  I sat at the top of a platform while one baby would climb up the 6 stairs to me, I’d carefully send her down the slide while the other made her way up to me.  Over and over and over.

And you know what??  I knew it wasn’t the safest way to do it.  But, being a mom to multiples FORCES you to not do everything perfectly.  In the perfect world, one baby waits patiently to be guided up the steps and hugged while going down the slide with mama.  And the second baby just waits her turn.  IN THE REAL WORLD, you do your fucking best to keep them both happy.  Please explain to me how one goes about rationaling with a 15 month old about waiting their turn.  THEY CANT EVEN SHARE THE LID TO A GODDAMN TUPPERWARE CONTAINER!!!

Anway, it was working.  Then a dad came with his kid, slightly older than my girls, and I couldn’t wait at the platform anymore.  Its super small and doesn’t fit my big ass and a toddler.  So, I helped the girls climb up, and I waited near the slide entrance to hold their hand and help them go down.  But Apple made a move like she was gonna jump off the side of the platform (there are different ways to get up, which means there are open spots for kids to jump to their death, if they are so inclined).  I ran over, helped her to the slide entrance and was getting her to sit and slide when i see Banana climbing those stupid stairs without me.  I told her to wait, but she was so interested in that other kid, that she just went for it.  And she’s good with stairs, but she got to the 4th stair and was excited that the boy was up there waiting for her and….  BOOM.  She fell backwards down the stairs.

Apple was halfway down the slide, I grabbed her and ran to Banana.  She cried for a total of two seconds and I felt horrible.  She has no bumps, no bruises, she is acting fine.  

And still, I am judging myself and feel like the absolute worst mother.  

The dad and kid left about 3 minutes after all of this.  I guess it’s awkward being around someone who doesn’t properly care for their chikd.  IN PUBLIC.  

I feel so defeated.  And awful.  My kid had to comfort ME.  My husband had to deal with my tears again.  

All I wanted to do was go to the park.  Not get judged by another parent.  Not watch my daughter fall off of stairs.  Not walk home in tears.  

I love having twins.  I love these two so friggen much it can literally bring me to tears.  But it is so Fucking hard.  So, so, so hard to be a mom of multiples.  

Imagine having two 15 month olds.  You go grocery shopping, and inevitably, one baby will scream bloody murder because she loves to walk and wants out of the cart.  There is NO easy solution.  So, you let her out and now you try to keep her near you while pushing a cart and buying groceries, while never letting the other one out of your sight.  Or you don’t, and she pulls a fit.  Because she is 15 months old and can’t be reasoned with.  Every one judges your decision, either way.   

Bedtime.  I cannot carry both babies at the same time up the stairs anymore.  And they sleep in separate rooms.  My husband works night shift, so I don’t have help.  So what do I do?  I run Banana upstairs and give her the fastest good night ever while Apple sits in the living room, watching the Wiggles. No tv before 2 years old MY ASS.  There is a gate to keep her in the living room, and we’ve baby proofed, but you just never know what she could get up to.  Its a chance I am forced to take every single day.  

There is more, but I’m tired.  And it’s pointless… You get the picture. 

So, friends, I ask that you offer to help a mom with two or more if it looks like she might need it, be it grocery shopping or at the park.  We just want our kids to play on the stupid slide too, while not having to worry our other baby might fall down the stairs.  

b.

12 thoughts on “Spent

  1. Oh my friend, I cannot even begin to imagine how difficult having 15 month old twins must be. Please know that while you may not always feel like your doing awesome, I completely believe you are! Seriously, I think you are doing amazing things with those little girls and I am constantly amazed by everything you manage!!

    1. Thank you so much! It’s easy to see how well I’m doing when I look at the last 15 months as a whole, but individual days feel much harder to be positive about.

      My girls are happy and very healthy, so something is going right.

      Thank you so much for the kind words. You have No idea how much I needed them today.

  2. Take it from my mum who had triplets, bumps and bruises happen, it is good for kids to occasionally fall down and see that they can get back up again. Get outside with your girls, the girls and go exploring, sure, they might fall down sometimes but you will be there with a kiss and cuddle, a bandaid and encouragement to try again.

  3. You are doing a great job and I give you a lot of credit!!! My twins are 16 months old and I am alone with them for bedtime a lot (husband works late nights sometimes) and it is not easy. Definitely more tears than just one baby! As they get older it seems like more work on some fronts but more fun on others. I haven’t tackled the park alone but plan to this week…let people judge you, especially while they are watching ONE kid and doing nothing to help you! Do you have a twin moms group near you? I recently joined one in my area and it is great having other women to talk to who ‘get it’!!

    1. I am a part of a twin group in my area, but they are a little snotty for my taste. I’m gonna keep going to events in hopes that I meet at least a couple of down to earth mama’s. And you are SO right. I find this stage infinitely harder than infancy! I actually found that pretty easy. However, my girls are hilarious and I love the interaction that I have with them now than when they were babies.

  4. Hey, you’ve kept twins alive for 15 months so far, that makes you a hero in my eyes! My kids are 3 and 1 and yes, bumps and bruises happen because you cannot be there for everybody at the same time. My kamikaze one year old is constantly throwing herself off furniture and her brother, she bounces well!

  5. Beanie, you’re doing great. I’m going through similar things, but different also. Sometimes (especially with twins) we can just soldier on… and muscle our way through the day. One of my twins (10 months) consistently has bruises on her (many on her face because she falls down and whacks her head) because she is a little dare devil. Judgey people can shove it. But I have found that most of the people that are “judging” me when I am solo (always solo, my husband also works opposite shift than me) are usually just trying to figure out how I am managing two babies, one with a cleft lip/palate and a helmet and the second a typically screaming lunatic. Twin/multiple moms are a walking freak show… and that makes you super badass.

    1. Thank you so much. I do feel like a badass mama when I am on my game lol

      Aren’t you over the comment “wow, you’ve got your hands full!”? So irrititating!

  6. Hugs mama!! I am right there with you. Listen – you are an amazing Mom because you care and you do your best – full stop. That’s all that matters. Just this past Saturday Amelia did the same thing and fell backwards down the slide stairs when a stubborn toddler blocked the slide and refused to go down – I had to grab Audrey who was making a break for it and race across the play area to find her crumpled at the base of the stairs … And then a few hours later Audrey fell off my couch and bashed her head on the hardwood (while I was literally right beside her but distracted by her sister) and we had to go to the ER. Having twin toddlers is challenging, and we are badass for surviving it. Our girls are lucky to have us and will make out just fine in the end.

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