I just lost it.  Like, flipped the fuck out, yelled, and cussed someone out.  Surprisingly, it was not my husband.  This time I freaked out on my little brother.  

Apparently his “wife” “might” be pregnant.  I know what you’re thinking: and yes, there are a lot of quotations.

“Wife” – it’s not legal.  They hired a minister, they invited some people, but they didn’t sign a marriage license BECAUSE THEY DIDNT REMEMBER TO GET ONE IN TIME.  

“Might” – he doesn’t know.  She didn’t take a pregnancy test, she went to the doctor and they needed to send her results away…???  She got a call from them and my brother said he didn’t care why they called and thought it was weird they changed her appointment from a physical to a “prenup”.  Yes, people, I had to correct him and tell him it was a mother effing PRENATAL.

I asked him if she is still smoking: yes.  

And then I lost it.  

Here’s a list of reasons they shouldn’t be having kids:

  • Neither of them have jobs.  My brother is on disability because he has UNCONTROLLED grand mal seizures.  Her, I have no fucking clue.
  • They live in a house with at least 5 other people they don’t get along with
  • THEY HAVE BED BUGS.  Enough that they come out into the lightand you can see them on the walls.  Do you think an infant should be exposed to that?!
  • She has two children already.  However, she’s been proven unfit to care for them.  Even if she’s changed and could care for this new baby, she obviously doesn’t seem to give a Damn about the other two cause she isn’t trying to get custody…. 
  • They can’t pay their hydro.  They can’t buy groceries.  They can’t even buy a pregnancy test from the DOLLAR STORE.  Obviously, she isn’t taking any prenatal vitamins.  
  • My brother has a very bad temper.  I won’t elaborate on that 

So I got mad at my brother.  I gave him this list of reasons why they shouldn’t have been so stupid.  I hung up and I cried.  

Cause Cody and I want to have more babies.  And Cody and I probably cant.  I made lifestyle changes BEFORE getting pregnant, we were financially secure prior to getting pregnant (still are).  We have a clean house, food, and an abundance of love.  And still, we had to struggle, miscarry, and struggle some more before we were blessed with Apple and Banana.  

It’s not fair.  I know that is so juvenile, but it is.  

Infertility still hurts.  I may have two amazing little girls, but I haven’t forgotten what it took to conceive them, grow them, and finally, FINALLY bring them home.  

I never will.  

My scars are deep.


12 thoughts on “Scarred

  1. I feel your rage. I am currently at the stage where I am furious and bitter when people announce their pregnancy. I see massively obese and unhealthy women and their partners that smoke when they are pregnant or scream abuse at their children and I want to flip out too. My partner and I work hard, we have a roof over our heads, we don’t get financial support or benefits and I’m having to stab myself daily and take a shit load of pills just for a chance to conceive. No disrespect to your brother and his wife but creating a life is a big deal and people that dont look after their children really shouldn’t have them. Xxx

    1. I totally agree. And I’ve told him exactly how I feel. I’ve also talked to my parents about the situation and they’re in agreement. I’m only thinking of this innocent baby and what kind of environment s/he will be living in… THAT makes me the most upset. I’ll file a complaint to social services myself, if I have to.

  2. Argh. It makes me mad too! I also planned and planned to have my boy! And I can’t afford to have another baby which I would love to have even though I have had the same job for 20 years and a masters degree!!!! It’s insane that I cannot have another baby bc I cannot afford it but people who are using he system pop them out left and right. Should I start using the system? I would be mad too if I were you! So infuriating. Sorry!!!!

  3. That would make me mad too and I don’t have your background!! Creating life should be seen as sacred and important, it should be done with consideration. Will child services get involved this time because of the other two? Here in Australia, they will automatically get involved if you have had kids removed before to see if you have changed etc.

    1. I don’t know if child services will be involved. I can tell you that I will file a complaint myself if their situation doesn’t drastically improve. It’s not about me, or me being infertile, or jealous or anything… all I can picture is a tiny newborn being bitten by bugs and in a bad situation. A baby doesn’t deserve that 😦

      thanks for the kinds words, hun!

  4. I have spent many years feeling things like this (thankfully not about people within my family – that must REALLY suck). Sending you hugs. X

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