No. I am not ready. I mean, emotionally, maybe I’m ready. Financially, we’re as ready as we could be. Prepared with baby stuff, we have most of it.
And I still don’t feel really, truly ready for these two little babies.
Writing this down, committing to these thoughts, throwing it out there: I feel so completely vulnerable at this point. I always thought that since I went through so much to get to this point, there is no way that I could feel the way that I’m feeling. Even more so, I feel awful and guilty admitting that I’m scared. Or that I’m looking forward to my pelvis working normally.
Many times I will be laying in bed, feeling my little fruits rolling around or kicking and I think to myself “I cannot wait to hold these two for as long as they will let me.” Other times I will be in the shower and I think to myself “I cannot wait to have a smaller belly, no acne, and the ability to walk again.” And though it’s rare, I sometimes think to myself “I don’t know what I’m doing, I’m going to be a terrible mother.”
There’s the selfish side to me. Yes, I am so excited for the next 8 weeks to go by because I will reclaim PART of my body back. I will get to snuggle my little babies. I will get to finally hold, feed, watch, and love the crap out of the little people Cody and I (and a team) created. The flip side is that I sometimes admit that I’m scared for my marriage to change. Right now, we go out and eat when we want to. We see movies, go shopping, or just lay around watching TV all day. Not to mention we can have sex anytime we want to right now. Once Apple and Banana are here, we’re at their mercy. I have never had to share my husband with anyone and that’s about to change in a HUGE (albeit wonderful) way.
There’s the obsessive part of me. I want to have the baseboards washed and all of the floors clean. For some reason, not having the hallway painted is bothering me. I don’t know how I can bring babies home when I just don’t find it clean enough**. The flip side to that is that I’m baffled as to how I am going to keep this house clean when I have two infants wanting ALL of my attention. I cannot function normally in a mess, and I am trying to learn to accept that my house will be a war zone for the first little while. I also have 10 million lists going. What needs to be upstairs, what needs to be downstairs. What is left to buy. What needs to be cleaned. What needs to be organized. What to pack for me in the hospital bag, what to pack for my fruits. I don’t have enough time (in my head) to get this stuff done and it’s making me crazy. My pelvic pain is making moving around a lot harder, so I’m relying on my husband to help… unfortunately, he is sometimes quite lazy.
There’s the anxious part of me. Part of me is worried that my babies won’t like me. What if they don’t like it when I hold them? What if I don’t swaddle them right? What if I try to latch them on my breast and they hate it? What if I hate it? What if I don’t know why they’re crying? What if I can’t get them to stop crying? What if they like Cody more? Or worse, an extended family member? The flip side to that: What if I love them too much? What if Cody feels left out? What if I don’t give my husband the attention he is used to, that he deserves? What if my cats feel neglected?
Most days I am fine. I try to remember that I need to go with the flow and see what happens. The two babies already have their personalities and it is going to take time to get to know them, just like it would when you meet anyone for the first time. Cody and I will be fine, we are prepared and excited for this. I mean, if we weren’t ready to become parents then we really shouldn’t have been having fertility treatments done. I am happy, I am excited, and just the right amount of nervous.
But deep down, I’m a little terrified too.
** my house is clean… but I am always seeing something new that needs to be done, something so insignificant and unimportant. Like making sure there are no finger prints on the stainless steel fridge. Why does this matter to me?