Transformation!

I wanted to share some bump pictures with you all 🙂

Today I am 30 weeks pregnant.  The transformation of the belly is crazy.  It started slow, but is now very prominent… 

pukefest was in full swing!

 

just before my birthday celebration

 

belly finally popped!

 

about to go out for our anniversary

 

third trimester is making me ugly like the first trimester…

 

That little monster on the floor is my Toby Bear.  He follows me around EVERYWHERE.  He still likes to sit in my lap, but that went from this: 

   

To this:

  
The look in his eyes kills me!  He looks scared that he is going to fall off my lap!
And there’s still 8 weeks to go!!

beanie

I Still Remember

Generally, I don’t post about Mother’s Day. To be honest, it doesn’t really bother me that other people are celebrating it, even when I was in still having treatments. Pregnancy announcements bothered me; pregnancy complaints bothered me; but celebrating that someone is a Mama never seemed to get to me too much.

Until this year.

You might think I’m crazy, but Mother’s Day has been hitting me kind of hard this year. Maybe because of the lying friend in my life, maybe for other reasons I don’t even understand.  But, I sat in our guest room last night, annoyed with Cody, and just started to bawl my eyes out, thinking about my Bumble. I eventually told Cody that I was sad and that being sad for Bumble made me feel guilty. See, I should have been celebrating my first Mother’s Day with my little Bumble, who would be 9 months old. He was my first ever pregnancy (followed by a chemical pregnancy in June last year, and another in September last year). Losing him was one of the most traumatizing experiences of my life. My Bumble was so wanted, so loved, so cherished for every second we had him.

Why would I feel guilty about this? Why shouldn’t I feel sad?

Well, because I’m pregnant with two chubby little princesses who have stolen my heart a little more each day. When I was crying about Bumble last night I was scared that this made it appear to my husband, to you guys, and to God that I wasn’t grateful for these little ladies. And that couldn’t be further from the truth. I love these girlies and I cannot wait to hold them, kiss them, cuddle them. I wouldn’t change what I have. I am in love with my husband, I have two babies who are due in 8 weeks, I have a great home, great family, great life.

But if I could… if it was at all possible… I’d ask to have my two girlies AND my Bumble. I can’t.. So instead, I will picture my little man in Heaven with my very loved and missed Auntie Janet, who adored all of the kids in her life even though she didn’t have any of her own.

I explained my feelings to Cody and he said this to me:

“You love and adore Toby (our kitten).  You loved MOO and you miss him.  You’d like to have MOO back, but then we wouldn’t have Toby… you don’t want to give up either, you want both.”

It might sound a little crash, but it actually was very sweet.  And very accurate. 

 

 

I am thinking of you all today. I read a something on Instagram earlier and I thought it was very applicable.

“Hope you are celebrating every woman in your life today! Children or no children, every woman is a mother to someone or something!” – Gardner Quad Squad

with all my love,

 


beanie

Am I Ready?

No. I am not ready. I mean, emotionally, maybe I’m ready. Financially, we’re as ready as we could be. Prepared with baby stuff, we have most of it.

And I still don’t feel really, truly ready for these two little babies.

Writing this down, committing to these thoughts, throwing it out there: I feel so completely vulnerable at this point. I always thought that since I went through so much to get to this point, there is no way that I could feel the way that I’m feeling. Even more so, I feel awful and guilty admitting that I’m scared. Or that I’m looking forward to my pelvis working normally.

Many times I will be laying in bed, feeling my little fruits rolling around or kicking and I think to myself “I cannot wait to hold these two for as long as they will let me.” Other times I will be in the shower and I think to myself “I cannot wait to have a smaller belly, no acne, and the ability to walk again.” And though it’s rare, I sometimes think to myself “I don’t know what I’m doing, I’m going to be a terrible mother.”

There’s the selfish side to me. Yes, I am so excited for the next 8 weeks to go by because I will reclaim PART of my body back. I will get to snuggle my little babies. I will get to finally hold, feed, watch, and love the crap out of the little people Cody and I (and a team) created. The flip side is that I sometimes admit that I’m scared for my marriage to change. Right now, we go out and eat when we want to. We see movies, go shopping, or just lay around watching TV all day. Not to mention we can have sex anytime we want to right now. Once Apple and Banana are here, we’re at their mercy. I have never had to share my husband with anyone and that’s about to change in a HUGE (albeit wonderful) way.

There’s the obsessive part of me. I want to have the baseboards washed and all of the floors clean. For some reason, not having the hallway painted is bothering me. I don’t know how I can bring babies home when I just don’t find it clean enough**. The flip side to that is that I’m baffled as to how I am going to keep this house clean when I have two infants wanting ALL of my attention. I cannot function normally in a mess, and I am trying to learn to accept that my house will be a war zone for the first little while. I also have 10 million lists going. What needs to be upstairs, what needs to be downstairs. What is left to buy. What needs to be cleaned. What needs to be organized. What to pack for me in the hospital bag, what to pack for my fruits. I don’t have enough time (in my head) to get this stuff done and it’s making me crazy. My pelvic pain is making moving around a lot harder, so I’m relying on my husband to help… unfortunately, he is sometimes quite lazy.

There’s the anxious part of me. Part of me is worried that my babies won’t like me. What if they don’t like it when I hold them? What if I don’t swaddle them right? What if I try to latch them on my breast and they hate it? What if I hate it? What if I don’t know why they’re crying? What if I can’t get them to stop crying? What if they like Cody more? Or worse, an extended family member? The flip side to that: What if I love them too much? What if Cody feels left out? What if I don’t give my husband the attention he is used to, that he deserves? What if my cats feel neglected?

Most days I am fine. I try to remember that I need to go with the flow and see what happens. The two babies already have their personalities and it is going to take time to get to know them, just like it would when you meet anyone for the first time. Cody and I will be fine, we are prepared and excited for this. I mean, if we weren’t ready to become parents then we really shouldn’t have been having fertility treatments done. I am happy, I am excited, and just the right amount of nervous.

But deep down, I’m a little terrified too.

beanie

** my house is clean… but I am always seeing something new that needs to be done, something so insignificant and unimportant. Like making sure there are no finger prints on the stainless steel fridge. Why does this matter to me?

Baby Shower Blessings

I am finally home.  I am finally in pyjamas.  I am so ready for sleep!

Today was the day for Baby Shower #2, hosted by my mother-in-law and three sister-in-laws. I can tell you that leading up to this day, I was a nervous wreck. I was having anxiety over people touching my belly; I was anxious about opening gifts in front of a large group of people; I was nervous that things would be awkward.

All for NO REASON!

People asked before touching my tummy. Doesn’t matter anyway, cause my little fruits don’t move for anyone but me. Opening gifts was awkward, but no one was really paying attention anyway, plus my SIL Anna helped (mostly cause she wanted to open gifts). Nothing was awkward. In fact, I hugged my MIL for the first time ever today.

There were about 30 people at this shower, all of who adore Apple and Banana so much already! We have 1000 onesies and sleepers, so many cute outfits, a shit tonne of diapers and wipes, and two gorgeous handmade quilts from A&B’s great grandma. That’s just a few of the things!

There has never been two little babies who were more blessed. Or as well dressed.

Please excuse me while I try and figure out how the eff I’m going to organize all of this stuff!

Happy Sunday, people.

beanie