BFN. BFN. BFN. BFN. BFN. BFN. BFN. BFN. BFN (IUI). BFN (IUI). BFP (IUI) – miscarry @ just over 7 weeks. BFN (natural). BFN (natural). BFN. BFN (IUI). BFP (IUI) – chemical pregnancy. BFN (IUI). BFN. BFN (IUI).
That’s just depressing.
Every time I get a BFN, I think of Bumble. Of what I had, what I lost, what I want, what I need, what I miss, what never was.
I had A LOT of faith in this cycle. I believed, I hoped, I prayed, I believed some more. I told my husband, my boss, even my doctor and nurses that this one was going to work. This was going to be the cycle that did it.
I’m sad, of course. But there’s also this overwhelming anger inside. I’m pissed because I had to take PIO shots since last Thursday. I had 4 super large, super painful needles in the ass. FOR NOTHING. And as far as the doctors are concerned, I should be taking 2 more. Guess what’s NOT happening?? I knew the cycle was not going to pan out the day I got the call that my progesterone was low. When I went to the clinic on Tuesday, I asked Ella if they test hcg in the baseline blood work I was getting that morning. She said yes, but even if it came back under 7, it didn’t mean the cycle was over. I’d taken 4 tests by that point and convinced myself that maybe it was really just too early. When Cody called the clinic later in the day on Tuesday, Ella told him that my progesterone was up to 75, and yes, my hcg was low, but not to worry. 3 days and 2 tests later, it’s still negative. There is no longer any hope for a sticky BFP. It’s just fucking over.
I’m also mad because I forced the doctor to meet with me on Tuesday. I would have normally donated my blood and then been on my way. I asked some questions about why I never have an adequate amount of progesterone (except last month during a timed intercourse cycle – it was 85!). No answer. Apparently “every cycle is different” – I’ve only heard this every time I’ve wanted to know why something wasn’t going right. I wanted to know why I was taking the PIO shots, when there is a pretty good chance the cycle isn’t going to work. No answer. Who wants to work and not be paid? No one. So why should I torture myself without any tangible reason to do so? If I’d even had a faint positive, those needles would have been no problem at all.
I no longer feel like I can trust my fertility – or lack thereof – to other people. I don’t feel like I can trust the doctors to make it work. I don’t feel like I can count on God to make it work either. It is really feeling like it’s up to chance. Or nature. And quite frankly, nature is never on my side and I’m not very lucky.
I do believe in God. I believe I’ve been very blessed during my life, and for that I’m grateful. Right now though, I’m kinda pissed off at God and that He would give me such hope, only to be let down so badly. Every relationship should have give and take, and it doesn’t feel quite even right now. For now I’ll continue to pray and believe in Him, but I’m not going to ask for any fertility blessings from Him. I give up on that.
I’m sorry that you’re reading another gloomy, depressing post. Baby Brain…Sans Baby is not always happy happy joy joy, though. This is my real life, my real emotions, my real reactions to the bull shit that is infertility.
Life was not supposed to be like this.