YouTube Therapy

I LOVE these guys.  The first song I heard by them was “Hallelujah” and I just about died.  On Saturday, I knew the miscarriage process was about to get real in a few days, so Cody offered to get lost in the tubes* with me to cheer me up.  After browsing through the usual favs (Simon’s Cat, Jimmy Fallon, and Mean Tweets), I remembered I love the music these two gems make.

I don’t think I’ve ever really listened to the original, but I just adore this version.  It had me in tears and really spoke to my current emotional state.  The song was addressing my shaky faith, my uncertainties on how to move forward, and so much more.  I am constantly amazed how silver linings appear and how God chooses to connect with you.  That, or maybe we find our own ways to comfort ourselves, and this is how I do it.  I don’t know.

Anyway, please take a moment to listen to the song.  Let me know what you think!

Michael Henry & Justin Robinett – “Let It Be”

 

beanie

* “Getting lost in the tubes” is when you just keep clicking the recommended/related videos on the right side of the YouTube screen, or searching for videos you’ve heard about, already seen, etc.  Eventually you realize you lost 2 hours to YouTube.

Seeing Red

IUI #6 was successful, in a way, and unfortunately ended in a chemical pregnancy.  That gives me 1 miscarriage and two chemicals under my belt, all within ONE YEAR.  This also now groups me into the recurring pregnancy loss (RPL) category at my clinic.  This means I will likely now be allowed to receive further testing.  Except that they do not have an hcg number for this cycle, so they might not even count this loss as a loss.  As far as they are concerned, it was just a plain ole regular BFN.

Not to me. 

On Friday, my tests were still positive, probably the same color and “strength” as the day before.  Saturday the line was faded to almost gone.  This morning there was no line and I started spotting.

What can I do?  I cry.  I get mad at myself.  I apologize to my husband, to our babies.  I binge watch Netflix.  I snuggle the kitten.  I buy fish, apparently*.  I keep moving.  There is nothing else I can do but keep moving forward.

I will be seeing my RE on Thursday.  Aside from sitting in a room with him, I don’t know what will happen.  I plan to demand a few tests – but whether they will do these tests, I’m not sure.  If they don’t want to, then they really don’t want me as their patient.  I WILL find another clinic.

This sucks.  Infertility sucks.  Trying to conceive sucks.  PCOS sucks.  Fading positive lines on your pregnancy tests suck. 

You people are awesome, though.  So there’s that positive note.  If any of you would like to email some cute cat pictures my way, it might make this Monday better.  Maybe not the entire situation, but maybe just a moment in this shitty day.

 

beanie

* When I say “I buy fish”, I mean of the pet variety.  Also – I didn’t know that fish were so complicated!  Eventually I’ll post the new additions to my mostly animal family.

So About Yesterday….

Yeah, the test was actually positive.  UNFORTUNATELY, I can’t even prove it since the line is friggen light.  Twist the stick, use assistive lighting, have my husband take a look kind of light.  My camera won’t even pick up the second line.  And yes, I’ve spent a small fortune on First Response tests.

I’m – no joke – 9 tests in.  The last 4 are showing this “line”.  But this isn’t my first rodeo.  I know that at 14 days past ovulation, that line should be darker.  I tested yesterday and it was super faint.  I tested again this morning and it’s still faint.  There was no change.  This just might end in my second chemical pregnancy of the year.

My last chemical pregnancy, my hcg came back at 9.  The lines I’m seeing on these current tests make the one from the chemical look like it was reading a level of 1000.

I wasn’t going to blog about this.  It’s so shaky, I didn’t want to rock the boat.  Turns out, I just really need some support from you fantastic people.  I’m having a really hard time holding out hope on this one.

 

The question is longer if I can get pregnant.  It’s now finding out how I can sustain a pregnancy.

Awesome.

 

beanie

Calling All Pen Pals

We’re all friends, right?

I’d recently read on one of your fantastic blogs that once upon a time, a few infertility-warriors were creating a list of some sort so we could all get to know each other outside of WordPress.  I haven’t since read anything, but in light of my terrible day, I’ve decided that this is a really good idea!

Please forgive me if this list is actually available somewhere… I don’t know where it is, but I’d love to be a part of it.

Now, I’m not necessarily thinking I need to be the one to spear-head this thing.  So here’s what I’m thinking.  If you want to be a part of this pen-pal opportunity, please comment with your email address.  Eventually, I’ll take all of the comments I receive, send out a group email, and I hope it continues from there.  Also, feel free to re-blog this so that it is hopefully seen by all of us.  If you re-blog this, please also collect your comment list/emails and connect via email.  The hope is that we all end up with each others email info.  Or something close to that, haha.

I am very much open to a more successful, ingenious suggestion, though.  There is likely a more efficient way to become email buddies.

 

To start this thing off, here’s my brand-spanking new fertility related email!

babybrainsansbaby@gmail.com

 

I mean, seriously.  Who doesn’t want someone in their corner while they fight this fight?

 

beanie

 

PS – Please don’t use my email to sign up for porn sites 😉

No Witty Title Today

BFN. BFN. BFN. BFN. BFN. BFN. BFN. BFN. BFN (IUI). BFN (IUI). BFP (IUI) – miscarry @ just over 7 weeks. BFN (natural).  BFN (natural).  BFN. BFN (IUI). BFP (IUI) – chemical pregnancy. BFN (IUI). BFN. BFN (IUI).

That’s just depressing.

Every time I get a BFN, I think of Bumble.  Of what I had, what I lost, what I want, what I need, what I miss, what never was.

I had A LOT of faith in this cycle.  I believed, I hoped, I prayed, I believed some more.  I told my husband, my boss, even my doctor and nurses that this one was going to work.  This was going to be the cycle that did it.

Wrong-O!

I’m sad, of course.  But there’s also this overwhelming anger inside.  I’m pissed because I had to take PIO shots since last Thursday.  I had 4 super large, super painful needles in the ass.  FOR NOTHING.  And as far as the doctors are concerned, I should be taking 2 more.  Guess what’s NOT happening??  I knew the cycle was not going to pan out the day I got the call that my progesterone was low.  When I went to the clinic on Tuesday, I asked Ella if they test hcg in the baseline blood work I was getting that morning.  She said yes, but even if it came back under 7, it didn’t mean the cycle was over.  I’d taken 4 tests by that point and convinced myself that maybe it was really just too early.  When Cody called the clinic later in the day on Tuesday, Ella told him that my progesterone was up to 75, and yes, my hcg was low, but not to worry.  3 days and 2 tests later, it’s still negative.  There is no longer any hope for a sticky BFP.  It’s just fucking over.

I’m also mad because I forced the doctor to meet with me on Tuesday.  I would have normally donated my blood and then been on my way.  I asked some questions about why I never have an adequate amount of progesterone (except last month during a timed intercourse cycle – it was 85!).  No answer.  Apparently “every cycle is different” – I’ve only heard this every time I’ve wanted to know why something wasn’t going right.  I wanted to know why I was taking the PIO shots, when there is a pretty good chance the cycle isn’t going to work.  No answer.  Who wants to work and not be paid?  No one.  So why should I torture myself without any tangible reason to do so?  If I’d even had a faint positive, those needles would have been no problem at all.

I no longer feel like I can trust my fertility – or lack thereof – to other people.  I don’t feel like I can trust the doctors to make it work.  I don’t feel like I can count on God to make it work either.  It is really feeling like it’s up to chance. Or nature.  And quite frankly, nature is never on my side and I’m not very lucky.

I do believe in God.  I believe I’ve been very blessed during my life, and for that I’m grateful.  Right now though, I’m kinda pissed off at God and that He would give me such hope, only to be let down so badly.  Every relationship should have give and take, and it doesn’t feel quite even right now.  For now I’ll continue to pray and believe in Him, but I’m not going to ask for any fertility blessings from Him.  I give up on that.

I’m sorry that you’re reading another gloomy, depressing post.  Baby Brain…Sans Baby is not always happy happy joy joy, though.  This is my real life, my real emotions, my real reactions to the bull shit that is infertility.

 

 

Life was not supposed to be like this.

 

beanie