“Normal”. Suuuuure…

When I had all of my initial blood work completed, everything came back normal.  I was told it was rare to see patients so healthy.  Pregnancy would be easy to achieve.

When I wasn’t getting pregnant on just Femara tablets and timed intercourse, they told me it was normal.  Only 15% of their patients would get pregnant with this protocol.

When I miscarried my Bumble, I was told this was normal. 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage.  An exorbitantly high number of women lose their first pregnancy.

When I had my first chemical pregnancy, I was told this was normal.   Apparently it is so common and most women experience them and don’t even know it’s happened.

When I had my second chemical pregnancy, I was told this was normal.  Again, this is very common in women trying to conceive.  Still nothing to worry about.

When I had three people try and find my left ovary with no success, I was told this is normal.  Most women have one ovary that is harder to find.

And when I went to the doctor today and my one lonely follicle had only grown from 1.1 to 1.2 in four days, I was told this is fucking normal.

How can everything be “normal” and still not working right?

I know, I know.  Another post where I’m happy and optimistic.  Seriously though – I’m miserable today.

I kicked my own ass for over a week now.  I’ve lost 6 pounds, worked out, got the right number of steps, drank enough water, took my supplements.  And still – this reproductive system of mine is shit.  “NORMAL”, but shit all the same.

I was cooking my stupid low calorie, low carb lunch in the microwave and it wasn’t working.  I tried again and again and the stupid thing just wouldn’t heat my food.  It made me mad – I punched it, actually – and I didn’t know how I was going to proceed with life.  Honestly, the microwave made me question the meaning of life.  It was an instant later and I realized I should unplug the stupid thing.  And when I did, it was then I found the Pringles that were hidden.  I ate 6 of them, and I am mad at myself now.  For the fourth time in this paragraph alone – STUPID.

And for my pregnant sisters… I am happy for you.  I really hope everything goes right and all that jazz.  But I’m so friggen jealous.  I am!  I’m going to admit it.  I have a hard time reading your updates, your announcements.  I am jealous to the bone, and it’s pathetic.  I hate saying this “out loud”, but I’m not going to pretend on this blog.  I mean, the second I read an announcement all I can think is “Why not me?”  That pretty much confirms that I’m a huge asshole.  It gets so bad that it makes it hard to even come on WordPress because I want you all to be successful, but I guess I want to be blissfully unaware.

Am I terrible, or is this fucking normal too?

beanie

25 thoughts on ““Normal”. Suuuuure…

  1. You are not terrible. Nothing about this journey is normal. Nothing. Normal would be getting pregnant within 6 months. There is obviously something not working right. I am in somewhat of the same boat as you where I am tired of hearing “normal” and “everything should be working fine… you are a mystery”. Tired of it. I have taken matters into my own hands and have bombarded a few different doctors (including my RE) with what I want done next and that I am not moving forward until XY & Z get done. I was honest with my RE and said that things just aren’t adding up and I am getting frustrated. I still haven’t heard back, but at least I am not getting a fake response of “everything is fine”. I hope you can get out of this funk eventually, but know it’s okay to be angry and mad for a while too! *hugs*

    1. I am kind of doing something similar. My husband and I decided to “take a break” (as in “timed intercourse” lol) until I can lose some pounds and hear back about some blood work. I’m really sick of the whole PCOS-being-the-culprit-for-everything answer.

      I really hope everything works out for you! And that your RE can get his/her head outta their ass!!

      xo

  2. So sorry girl you are having one of those days. My daddyo once told me that normal was just a setting on a dryer. sigh. I am praying for you healing…don’t give up. Sometimes you don’t see progress or success right away but then suddenly you will. I went from suddenly having 70 day cycles to less than 40. Just keep believing change is around the corner 🙂 xo

    1. I’m so glad you’re seeing results. And I seriously cannot wait for you to be emailing me a picture of that adorable baby Josiah!

      I just don’t see any results and it’s getting me frustrated. I need to learn patience…..

      xo

      1. … I don’t even know what that is lol.

        Currently, I’m taking:
        Femara
        Ovidrel
        Progesterone

        Insulin
        Metformin
        B Complex Vitamin
        Fish Oils
        Co-Q-10
        Vitamin C

        Pregvit 5 (prenatal)

        and……….. probably more LOL.

      2. Hmmm I’ve never heard of it. I’ll check it out and ask my RE about it. Thanks, Elisha – you’re the best.

  3. Let’s be assholes and fucking normal together because I’m catching everything you’re saying and it feels like I wrote this post myself. I’m so sorry.

  4. *hugs* Throw something. Lock yourself in a room and kick and scream and throw a ridiculous tantrum. It totally helps! (No seriously, from experience. lol)

    Most of all- dont be afraid to be FIRM to get the answers you want and need. Give your care team directives and if they wont treat you seriously, then send them packing. We pay these hoo-ha’s too much for them to tell us we are “normal” when we wouldn’t be in their offices if we were.

    Hang tight hun, there is an upswing. There is ALWAYS an upswing.

    1. My husband doesn’t like when I throw shit lol. I often find myself yelling to God, but my neighbours likely think it’s Cody I’m yelling at… and then I feel terrible cause I just bitched out God….

      Ugh. You can’t win!

      I have pushed a little harder with my RE this time, taking a break on the hard treatments until I lose some pounds, getting some blood work back … we’ll see what happens!

      Thanks again xo

  5. Totally nornal. Its not that I don’t want them to be successful in this journey but I do want it for myself more. I’m not afraid to admit thay and I know its bad. Xxx

    1. Thanks so much! It feels good to get the feelings out sometimes, but then I feel like an ass for even saying it.

      Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

      xo

  6. Hey. Everything was normal for me too until one day they happened to see a polyp in my uterus. I suspected for years that something was wrong with me bc my periods were so weird. After lots of money spent where doctors found nothing… Finally my fertility clinic found this polyp. It was an ah-ha moment. I also wanted the be reimbursed by all the fucking doctors who missed it even though I told them something was out of sorts. You just never know. Once I got it removed I finally got pregnant! Just a thought. Have they done an HSG and the thingy where they look into your uterus with a wee camera? (super fun by the way). Sending happy juju your way!

    1. I did have an HSG done, which was brutal, but everything was fine. There was a bit of trouble with my left tube, but it was sorted out. Right now, they just blame PCOS, which annoys the fuck out of me.

      Thanks so much for the support!! x

  7. I get it….I get everything you are saying and feeling. I want everyone in this community to have successful pregnancies, but I also want to be one of them. And everyday that I’m not it hurts. Big hug to you. It’s ok to feel how you feel.

    1. Thank you so much! I’m horrified that I feel like I need so much validation sometimes… but there are just these moments when I feel like a terrible person because I’m not 100% happy for these people getting pregnant.

      I just want infertility to piss off!

  8. Beanie – It’s always okay to feel how you feel. I’m sorry things aren’t going so well right now. You are always in my thoughts! My heart hurts for everyone in the IF community, but of course, we all want to be pregnant ourselves! ❤

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