He Says : “Today, We’re Even.”

This is my Lupron needle:

lupron

It definitely looks bigger than it is.  Anyway, you have to open the top, push the needle out from the bottom and it looks like this:

lurpon2

After that, you take the yellow cap off, draw up the medication to the appropriate dosage and then inject it into belly fat.  Once you’re finished, you replace the yellow cap and throw it into a sharps container.

My husband has done this for me dozens of times.  Why tonight was different, I don’t know.

After injecting me, he took the needle and was putting it into the clear outer container the syringe comes in.  As I’m swabbing the injection site with alcohol, I see the needle get thrown onto the counter.  Cody is on the kitchen floor, still on his knees, and he’s examining his hand.

B:  What happened??  Did you poke yourself?

C:  A little bit.

WHILE HOLDING THE OUTER, CLEAR CONTAINER WITH HIS LEFT HAND, CODY PUT THE NEEDLE INTO THE CONTAINER USING HIS RIGHT HAND WITHOUT REPLACING THE YELLOW CAP FIRST AND STABBED THE LEFT HAND.

I am probably one mean bastard, but I almost died laughing.

I made comments on how it’s good we’re “clean”.  I told him that now I was his “blood sister”.  I may have made some comments about how he can now experience a portion of what it’s like to be on these hormones**.  We acknowledged that it’s a good thing that I’m a universal blood donor.

After a while, once I stopped rolling around, Cody looks to me, with the saddest, most unamused face and says:

“Maybe today we can be even.”

I can give him that.  An injection is still an injection.

beanie

**  He didn’t actually inject any medication into his system.  I don’t have any fears of him having a crying fit tomorrow 😉

Pictures AND 1000 Words

(The title is a lie.  There are not 1000 words… sorry.  I know you were hoping to read another one of my essays 😉 ).

 

Well, it’s cycle day 2.  More like 1 1/2, but who’s keeping track? 

…Uh.  Stupid question to ask any woman trying to have a baby.

Anyway, I also have a cold-type of thing going on.  I really could just whine and complain about the cramps, stuffiness, body aches, and fatigue…. but I’m going to try something new!

I could never do the “100 Days of Happy” challenge.  I bitch and moan way too much for that (just ask my wonderful husband!).  Instead, I’m going to do my own miniature version.  Since I’m miserable, I thought I’d try and find a bunch of things to be grateful or happy for in the midst of my pain and misery today.  Here goes!

1.  Advil (generic or otherwise)

advil

Every month, Advil saves my life.  No joke, I have the worst cramps and can barely function.  Once I double up a dosage (oh, so bad for my stomach), eventually the cramps subside enough for me to be able to move.  As I’m typing this, I notice more cramps and that I’m behind schedule for taking my next capsule.

2.  Dollar drink days!

drink

A large Coke Zero for $1?  This makes my summer.  And I have something to swallow the Advil with.

3.  Gardening

tomato2 tomato pepper

Cody and I did a little planting this spring.  It’s a container garden this year, but has been going very, very well!  Some of the tomatoes are almost ready to be eaten and the peppers are coming along as well!  Cody is excited for homemade pasta sauce!

4.  Being able to function… mostly.

baking

I managed to get somewhat motivated today.  Enough to try a new cookie recipe.  I hope it works out.

UPDATE:

cookies

Not too bad…. I’m going to test them out on various people tomorrow.  They’re chocolate, pecan, and caramel.  Cody loved them.  However, he’s like Mikey when it comes to cookies. 

5.  Crafting

quilt

One day last week, I decided that I wanted to make a baby quilt for my friend, Corrine.  I picked some fabrics, put them together, and they looked AWFUL.  I was about to quit, but after much encouragement from my husband, I went back to the fabric store, picked some new patterns, and gave it another go.  The above picture is how it turned out!  I’m super proud of it, and it looks even better in person.  Now I just have to make it into an actual blanket…

6.  Nail Polish

nail polish

I. LOVE. NAIL POLISH.  I have over 100 bottles and they’ve all been used at least once.  Recently, after my BFN, my loving husband took me to the store and insisted that I pick out a nail polish.  I found this color, and I’m in love!  It’s the perfect summer color.  And kudos to my love, Cody – he loves me enough to encourage my sick obsession with painting my nails.

7.  My cat, Purr-Bot

Asi

This big man didn’t pee on the floor today.  I love him for that.  (Watch… as soon as I hit “Publish”, I’ll walk into a mess.  Hopefully not literally.)

8.  I’m also happy about my bed, which I’ll be crawling into soon (it isn’t made, but comfy all the same), my husband (who did the dishes after I made a mess baking), and about sticking to one of my goals and doing some yoga tonight.  That was terrible sentence structure, but I’m not caring enough to change it right now.

It’s a new day starting a new cycle which is going to yield new outcomes. 

Be happy and healthy, people.

beanie 

That’s All She Wrote

Two “reliable” tests later, and it’s still a BFN.  I’m ok with it.  It stings, but I have a good feeling about the upcoming cycle.  It hasn’t even started, but I feel excited about it.  I’m sure some of you think I’m nuts.

Anyway, there are two things about this failed cycle that I’d like to mention.  First, I’ve concluded that I’d rather see a negative test than see a faint positive eventually turn into a negative.  The heartbreak of my chemical pregnancy was not something I’d like to go through again.

Secondly, this means I am not pregnant before my due date for Bumble approaches.  August 17th is fast approaching and I thought that I would be able to handle it better if there was a bun in my oven.  I’ve come to realize that I don’t think this is the case.  In fact, I think I would be paranoid to be upset and grieving for Bumble if there was a new little bean implanted, and that’s just not fair to either of them.  This way, I can properly mourn the loss of my little dude that left too soon.

Thanks so much for all of your support and encouragement during this cycle, buddies.  It’s meant a lot!  I cannot properly ever convey how grateful I am to be able to connect with all of you, even if we’re miles and countries apart.  You’re all beautiful, wonderful, inspiring people.

 

beanie

Do You See What I See?

Cody and I were getting some fixin’s for dinner, when it suddenly occurred to me that I needed to buy a pregnancy test.  YAY!  Two week wait is over in T – 2 days.

While waiting for MY HUSBAND to finish cooking ME dinner, I snuck upstairs with one of the two tests and tinkled.  Verifying that it was only 2 minutes until the results were ready, I looked down at the test, confused.

*Sheepishly walking up to Cody*

B:  “I took a test…”

C:  “Oh, jeez.”

B:  “Seriously though, this is the shit I have to deal with.”

C:  “What the hell?”

B:  “See.  I think can see the line straight down, and there’s a little horizontal line at the bottom, but it’s in the wrong spot.  Clearly this test is defective!”

C:  “We should take it back.”

HERE’S THE “DEFECTIVE” TEST WE’RE BOTH INTENTLY STARING AT:

ugh

Then it dawns on me.  I look over to the picture on the side, and this is not one of the tests that develops a plus sign or two lines.  The window stays blank if you’re not pregnant, or there is ONE line if you are.

That window is very, very blank.  However, if turned juuuuuust the right way, there is a line… maybe.

I go about the rest of the night, thinking how great it would be if timed intercourse had actually worked this month.  No more shots!  No more IUI’s!  Oh… 3 solid months of progesterone… but I can work with that! 

I decide to read the instructions on how to test.  Oops.  I did it again… I messed up.  You’re supposed to hold the stick in the cup for 20 seconds – I did 5 seconds.  And here I thought I was an old pro.  Well, that must be why I can barely see a line.

Before bed, Cody tells me that he’s curious to see just how long I could last with one more pregnancy test sitting less than 10 feet away in our en suite bathroom.  I tell him I won’t test until Monday, as originally promised.

…………..

3:30AM.  Something wakes me up and I realize I have to pee really bad!

Perfect time to test.

Negative.  But mayyyyyybe if you turn it slightly up and have the assistive lighting app backlighting the window…..

Beanie – NO.

If I have to go through so much effort to “kinda” see a line, it’s not there.

I’m disappointed, but not mad.  Funny thing – I didn’t feel pregnant once during this cycle.  My AF cramps had started a couple of days ago.  I tested because I wanted to stop the progesterone.  I tested the second time because I’m weak.  This month’s result – I’m fine with it. 

I know it’s going to happen.  I know it’s going to be soon.  I know I don’t need to have a meltdown.

I’m still going to test again on Monday…. 😉

beanie

TMI All Over The Place

I usually like to keep the gross and dirty details of my conception journey to a minimum.  You won’t hear me talk about my cervical mucous, how many times I have sex in a cycle, or how well my bowels are working.  However, today I’m going to reveal something nasty going on with my body…..

I’m a pizza face. 

Actually, I think I’m just turning into a pizza… I’m also looking a little “doughy”. 

 

 

beanie

PS – To each their own.  I am in no way judging those who are 100% honest and open about their TTC journey.  I just feel weird divulging certain aspects of mine 😉