August 18th, 2014: Bumble’s due date
It was a hard day. I should have birthed my little baby. I should have held him, fed him, smelled him, and cuddled him.
I’m not going to say I should have become a Mama yesterday. I’m already Bumble’s Mama. I just should have been singing him Happy Birthday.
Instead, my husband and I found an amazing way to honor our first baby who sadly never made it to the physical world.
Cody and I drove to Barrie, ON bright and early yesterday morning. We visited the Martyr’s Shrine. Upon arrival, we headed straight to the gift shop and bought a Saint Gerard pendant (Patron Saint of expectant mothers). We had this, along with my cross, blessed. The priest said an amazing blessing prayer for us, which nearly brought me to tears for the 5th time that day. Next, we rounded the corner where there was a room of candles. Together, we lit a candle in honor of Bumble and said another prayer. Cue tears for the 6th time. After, we were wandering around and looking at the Saint statues. It really is such a beautiful place! Unfortunately, it was quite crowded due to a pilgrimage. Every one and their 15 kids were there and they decided that rather than sit in the picnic area, they would set up their camp chairs and blankets in front of the statues of the Saints. This would be fine if they hadn’t done it in front of the memorial for unborn children.
There was a group of people sitting in front of this secluded spot. In fact, I imagine that’s why they were sitting there. There were two benches, and they’d taken over both, even set up a blanket and pillow on one, even though no one was sitting there. They also had a picnic and camp chairs set up there too. Thinking they were normal people, Cody and I walked up to the monument and read the plaque/dedication. The entire time we were standing there, I just kept thinking that they would come to their senses and ask us if they should move – or, you know, just move. I mean really – a young couple, family-starting age, standing and trying to have a moment in front of this particular area. Cody and I moved over a little and I glanced over to the people. THEY WERE STARING AT ME. I knew then that they realized they were being assholes, but they didn’t really want to do anything about it. I threw a couple of “curt” comments towards them and walked away.
It wasn’t exactly how I pictured our time at the shrine would be. I imagined this big, peaceful, quiet place… and it was not quite that due to the volume of visitors. However, the visit was so much better in some ways. Bumble’s candle, the blessing – these were unexpected and so meaningful. Spending time driving on back roads, walking, holding hands, and just being with my husband were also so important to me yesterday.
When talking to Cody, he said something that made me realize just how much he loves me and why I love him so much in return.
“I don’t regret the last 9 months. I wish things had been different with Bumble, but I don’t regret a single moment with you.”
We made it through fertility treatments together. We made it through a miscarriage together. We made it through the last 9 months together. We made it through Bumble’s would-be birthday together.
And we will make it though the next 90+ years together.
It should have been Bumble’s birthday yesterday. I wish he was here, I wish I could snuggle him. But I know he’s in good hands.