Since 4:45AM this morning, I’ve repeated the words “I don’t know how much more I can take” to anyone who’d listen.
Cody woke me up. Scratch that – my mind woke me up at 3:50AM. Toby, the kitten, decided to keep me company until 4:45AM when Cody’s alarm went off. Cody rolled over and said good morning and I told him I’d been up for an hour. I explained that I wasn’t feeling good and I was pissed off because I had no choice but to go to the clinic since it is CD3. Cody made the mistake of saying “Peep, I know mornings are rough…” and I went off.
Because it’s not just the mornings. It’s the blood work, the ultrasounds, the medications, the drives to the clinic, the negative pregnancy tests, the faint positive tests, the miscarriage, the fake happiness. EVERYTHING. It’s literally everything.
I keep asking God to give me some guidance, but I hear nothing. I need to know if I’m on the right path. I believe I am supposed to be a Mama. However, I don’t know if that’s the plan. Is there a plan? I don’t even know anymore! I’m confused, and frustrated, and lacking some faith. You’d think He’d just pop in and tell me to chill out or something…. but nope. Silence.
I made it to the clinic. Manuela looked like she was going to cry when she saw us. Ella made the mistake of starting a conversation about life – I jumped on the opportunity and told her I was reaching my limit with all of this. I also informed her that I would not be doing IVF. Ever. So if this was it, then this is it. Lena did my ultrasound and she was very sad for us too. For some reason, everyone seemed to be extra sympathetic today and I’m not sure why. We got to see Dr. R. and of course, he drops the bomb. The three letter word bomb: IVF. He said that he thinks this should be the last round of IUI and then move on to IVF. I looked at him and told him that IVF is not something we’re even willing to consider. At that point, there are just other options for us.
Go ahead, judge me. Make the assumption that since I’m not willing to move on to IVF then I must not want to be a Mama that bad. I have a few choice words for those who’d like to pass those thoughts on to me.
What I don’t understand is why IVF. In the past, I was told that I wouldn’t ever need IVF since I respond “so well” to injectables and have “proven fertility”. So WHY is this being suggested to me? Is it the size of my file? Is it because they think I’m frustrated (I am) and I should want to move faster? Should want to get more aggressive? I don’t understand. I GOT PREGNANT TWICE WITH IUI. Why would I ever need IVF?????????
I don’t understand this doctor. This clinic. This process. This life. My faith. The whole mother f-ing nine yards. I don’t understand anything………………….
I walked out of the office going backwards. I’m not doing injectables, however I’m still going to have an IUI in a couple of weeks. I know we need IUI, I just am not sure we need the injectables or anything aggressive. But my medical degree came from a Cracker Jack box and I haven’t practiced medicine in a while – so there’s the possibility that I’m wrong. Wait, maybe I should consult with a real doctor – Dr. Google!
Please tell me this will be funny one day.