My Brain Hurts

Since 4:45AM this morning, I’ve repeated the words “I don’t know how much more I can take” to anyone who’d listen.

Cody woke me up.  Scratch that – my mind woke me up at 3:50AM.  Toby, the kitten, decided to keep me company until 4:45AM when Cody’s alarm went off.  Cody rolled over and said good morning and I told him I’d been up for an hour.  I explained that I wasn’t feeling good and I was pissed off because I had no choice but to go to the clinic since it is CD3.  Cody made the mistake of saying “Peep, I know mornings are rough…” and I went off.

Because it’s not just the mornings.  It’s the blood work, the ultrasounds, the medications, the drives to the clinic, the negative pregnancy tests, the faint positive tests, the miscarriage, the fake happiness.  EVERYTHING.  It’s literally everything.

I keep asking God to give me some guidance, but I hear nothing.  I need to know if I’m on the right path.  I believe I am supposed to be a Mama.  However, I don’t know if that’s the plan.  Is there a plan?  I don’t even know anymore!  I’m confused, and frustrated, and lacking some faith.  You’d think He’d just pop in and tell me to chill out or something…. but nope.  Silence.

I made it to the clinic.  Manuela looked like she was going to cry when she saw us.  Ella made the mistake of starting a conversation about life – I jumped on the opportunity and told her I was reaching my limit with all of this. I also informed her that I would not be doing IVF.  Ever.  So if this was it, then this is it.  Lena did my ultrasound and she was very sad for us too.  For some reason, everyone seemed to be extra sympathetic today and I’m not sure why.  We got to see Dr. R. and of course, he drops the bomb.  The three letter word bomb:  IVF.  He said that he thinks this should be the last round of IUI and then move on to IVF.  I looked at him and told him that IVF is not something we’re even willing to consider.  At that point, there are just other options for us.

Go ahead, judge me.  Make the assumption that since I’m not willing to move on to IVF then I must not want to be a Mama that bad.  I have a few choice words for those who’d like to pass those thoughts on to me.

What I don’t understand is why IVF.  In the past, I was told that I wouldn’t ever need IVF since I respond “so well” to injectables and have “proven fertility”.  So WHY is this being suggested to me?  Is it the size of my file?  Is it because they think I’m frustrated (I am) and I should want to move faster?  Should want to get more aggressive?  I don’t understand.  I GOT PREGNANT TWICE WITH IUI.  Why would I ever need IVF?????????

I don’t understand this doctor.  This clinic.  This process.  This life.  My faith.  The whole mother f-ing nine yards.  I don’t understand anything………………….

I walked out of the office going backwards.  I’m not doing injectables, however I’m still going to have an IUI in a couple of weeks.  I know we need IUI, I just am not sure we need the injectables or anything aggressive.  But my medical degree came from a Cracker Jack box and I haven’t practiced medicine in a while – so there’s the possibility that I’m wrong.  Wait, maybe I should consult with a real doctor – Dr. Google!

😐

Please tell me this will be funny one day.

 

beanie

 

19 thoughts on “My Brain Hurts

  1. I am so sorry. You aren’t alone in this!! IVF isn’t on my list of options either. It just isn’t. Period. I hope your day gets better!

    1. Oh man, emotions are running high I tell ya. I read your comment and burst into tears. I guess I really needed to “hear” that someone understands. THANK YOU! 🙂

      I can’t help but feel like my clinic is writing me off, though. And that’s a really crappy feeling.

      1. I am sorry for making you cry!
        I think that is one of the nice things about the bloggy world is that there is probably someone out there who understands/is going through a similar journey to all of us. I hope that you have a good day!!

  2. Well you are not alone and coming from someone who DID IVF and wasn’t at peace about it…I am no longer seeking that option either. I think Dr.’s push for it because they want to hurry and “fix” the situation. While reading you said that you want God to give you some sort of guidance…but something real strong in my spirit says He already has by giving you the feelings that you already have deep down inside. You are tired and frustrated with all of the treatments at the moment. You are emotionally exhausted. When God leads us down certain paths, we won’t have such strong negative feelings and uneasiness. Does that make sense? His plans are always to prosper and not to harm (Jer 29:11). Maybe He see’s you are reaching your limit and wants you to take a step back…maybe take a break…or like me, ask that you not seek treatments all together because He alone can fulfill the promise of setting the barren woman as a happy mother of children (Psalm 113:9). People ask me all of the time if I’m afraid I will “miss the boat” of parenthood by not doing treatments and putting ALL my eggs in God and His ability ALONE. I kind of laugh because I know God can use medicine but I seriously doubt He would look down on me and say, “Nope! Because all of your faith is in my ability to heal and do a supernatural thing, then I won’t help you.” Like I said, God can and will use medicine but He can and will not use it too in order to bring about a miracle. I love ya girl! I am praying for you! I have my parsley growing and booties under my pillow. I think and pray for you each and every time I see them. xoxo

    1. Thanks so much, Elisha. Everything you said makes complete sense, but I guess it’s just something weird for me to accept – letting go of the small amount of control I “think” I have in all of this. Maybe I need a break, maybe I need a new clinic. I have no idea – but I know I’ll find peace with something, and that’s what I’m looking forward to! That’s when I’ll know I’m on the right path.

  3. I think you’re right about looking for another clinic (I just caught up with your blogs!). Your doctor should be supporting you and making recommendations that align with your goals, morals and values. Unless there really is NO other option why press to deviate from your plan? You’re not alone doll. You got us. And, luckily, we got you too. 🙂

    1. Thanks so much, cupcake! I’m looking into other clinics, but the most frustrating thing is that his doctor is affiliated with a lot of other doctors in this field AND he’s currently running one of the better clinics. I need to be sneaky about this…..

      Thanks again 🙂

  4. Although we are doing IVF, I 100% understand and support folks who don’t see that as an option for them/don’t need/want it. And your doctor should be invested in what YOU want to do and try. Getting a second opinion to ask about options for IUI that feel good to you, or just taking some time off from the treatment madness, or doing whatever else makes sense for you – all are great options. I’m sending you lots of prayers for peace and understanding. ❤

  5. I think it’s great that you’ve decided wjat your limits are. No IVF. That certainly doesn’t mean you don’t want this as much as someone else. You need to do what’s right for you. *big hug* You’ve definitely proven your devotion to this process with everything you’ve been through (not that proving it is ever necessary). You are an incredibly strong woman who has been dealt some awful circumstances. I hope something positive is on the horizon for you.

    1. Thanks so much! I believe something will eventually come from all of this, I just don’t like the wait!

      Hugs right back to ya 🙂

    1. Thanks so much! I definitely only plan to do what I feel Cody and I are capable of – not what doctors want/think is “right”.

  6. I don’t blame you for not wanting to do IVF. II have a friend who keeps telling me that’s the route I need to go and I’m NO WHERE NEAR IVF! I feel pretty strongly about not going that route. When you start out on this TTC journey you need to draw a line in the sand and when you get to it that’s it. If you’ve gotten pregnant twice with IUI I’d be hesitant to jumo into the money pit that is IVF. Have faith in your self and your body. I’d maybe look into another clinic ad ask for a second opinion. Explain your history, your thoughts and concerns and go from there. I wouldn’t give up quite yet. Good Luck!

    1. I always find the people in our lives who have the loudest voices are usually the ones with the least amount of facts. I also have a friend pushing for me to do IVF because she thinks that it means I will 100% end up with a baby – and as we all know, that is so not the case. Don’t let your friend push you around – or anyone else for that matter. Do what is right for you and your husband! 🙂

      Thanks!

  7. Both my hubby and I weren’t comfortable with IVF. No judgement to those who go for it–It just wasn’t for us. I’m proud of you for sticking with your guns and standing up for yourself. I’m praying that this decision leads you closer to your baby!

    1. Thanks so much! I am hoping it will as well! As much as I complain about not knowing what to do, I feel very confident that IUI is going to lead me to my successful, full-term pregnancy that lands me with twins! 😉 Well… I’m hoping for twins haha

      1. I hope you get them too! IUI’s get a bad rep, but they wouldn’t still do them if they didn’t have a high enough success rate! Good luck! Praying!

  8. I definitely think doctors suggest IVF as a matter of course and like you say, you may not need it. I think they also suggest it because it is a lot more illuminative of embryo quality, actual fertilisation rate, amongst a pool as opposed to one egg, and whether the embryos are developing on time and with a fetal pole. Just personally, I found repeated IUIs very stressful and emotional, because of so many 2ww where it wasn’t even clear I was waiting on anything fertilised. My IVF was unsuccessful but I have a clearer idea of what the issue is and it wasn’t exactly how I thought before, nor on IUIs which didn’t help us move forward off the infertility track. The doctors though, need to acknowledge what you have conviction and hope in, each journey is so personal and you are the best judge. It would be foolish to ever advise someone that IVF is the only way to go, unless perhaps of blocked tubes, or a 1% male morph combined with poor quality eggs.

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