ALWAYS read the instructions. Even if you think you know them off by heart – as I did – double check. Also, always go with your gut. Oh, and always, always, always ask the questions that need to be asked.
Thursday: I did a pregnancy test. BFN. I cried, I got mad, and then I opened the blinds in my house, cleaned up, and even cleaned my car. I was about to go and pick Cody up from work and wouldn’t you know it, the friggen car was dead. A few hours later and she was working again, but not after I cried some more and kicked the hell out of the front bumper. Note: that hurt me more than the car.
Friday: We went to the city to bask in the presence of young love. One of our good friends met the right girl and completely changed his mind about marriage! They are an adorable couple.
Saturday: I took another pregnancy test. After 2 minutes, there was no line and I threw it in the trash and went back to sleep. A few hours later and I don’t know what possessed me, but I took the stick out of the garbage. Why? Oh, I don’t know. I guess I like to torture myself. Anyway – THERE WAS A SECOND LINE. I started to go nuts. Was this an evaporation line? Or was this a true reading? Why did it show up after? It had to be an evap line, right?? I read the entire Internet about evaporation lines and decide this is the likely case. Oh, and apparently you’re supposed to wait 3 minutes before reading the test……. Whoops.
Sunday: “Cody……. it would appear I’m pregnant!” I spoke these words at 5:45AM after waiting 3 minutes for my result. The line was faint, but it was there. Yay us! I then once again torture myself with Google and faint positives.
Monday: Head to the clinic bright and early after taking another test. The line was slightly lighter, but still there. After a few long hours, I get the news that yes, I’m pregnant, however the HCG is quite low. Minimum reading for pregnancy is 7 and my level is 9. Progesterone is still good, and there’s, apparently, still hope. Not going to lie – I knew it was over.
Tuesday: Head to the clinic for follow up blood work. I’m told that this wouldn’t “technically” be a miscarriage. And yes, well, since it’s happened before, it could (likely) happen again. If that’s the case, there’s additional testing they could do. So… you want this to happen again before you’ll do all you can do? Not acceptable. A couple of hours later, my loving husband is calling me to tell me that my HCG has risen to an 11, but this is not enough. Instructions are to stop the progesterone and if there’s no period by Monday, head back to the clinic.
Currently: I feel mad. I feel sad. I feel like a dollar sign. I feel unimportant. I feel abandoned by God. I feel embarrassed.
Why is this happening? How is this fair in any way? And most importantly, why the hell doesn’t my clinic seem to think this is something that would require the “other” blood work panel? I have plans to read my “doctors” the riot act before asking for a referral to another clinic. Just to know that there was additional testing that could have been done makes me upset. Knowing that this could have been done after we lost Bumble hurts even more. How can they let their patients continue to try and get pregnant before they have every piece of the puzzle? How many times are they willing to let me miscarry before they decide to look at me as a real person with a real husband with real hopes and desires to expand their real family? I guess we’re just the idiots who help buy their Mercedes with custom licence plates. Our pocket matters – not our emotions, or our hopes and dreams.
Over it. Please understand that I might not be able to write for a while or respond to comments. I’m completely, 100% defeated.