I went to the clinic on Friday and it looks like my ovaries are working equally for the first time ever.  I have 3 follicles on each side measuring 0.8, 0.7, 0.5.  It’s been said that I should be having the IUI’s at the end of this week, however nothing goes exactly as planned so I won’t be surprised if I’m having the IUI’s at the beginning of next week.

I started Bravelle on Friday night and I’m feeling insane.  When my husband starts to talk, I literally need to take a couple of breaths to calm myself down because I am instantly irritated.  And then when he’s quiet, I get upset that he doesn’t want to talk to me.  And then I cry.  I know I’m being a crazy person, and even as I’m writing this down, I know I need to calm myself down and just be normal…. and then Cody will say something to me and all I will think is “Why is his voice so friggen loud?!”

Ladies – Bravelle is not pretty.

I’m going to guess that I’m being extra crazy because I’m injecting pure hormones into my body.  And with that, my body is tired from growing so many eggs.  It’s been a long time since I’ve pumped any of this stuff into my system, so I’m sure that has something to do with the increase in “Just shut up!”‘s I’ve spit out.  It may also be contributing to the visions I’ve had of smacking some people.  I really have no patience or tolerance… for anything.  Funnily enough, I wouldn’t have the energy to smack anyone – I’m exhausted and have a perpetual headache.

I hope the mood swings are all worth it this month.  I mean, the number of follicles is really good.  I just hope they are all continuing to grow and that the extra supplements I’m taking are going to help the egg quality and all that stuff.  I’ll find out the progress on Tuesday… and then I just hope I can make it through my 5 hour shift without wanting to slap the shit outta my boss.

Wish me luck!


The Smart-Ass and The Super-Bitch

I am so sorry that I write nothing for a week or so and then throw 3 in a row at you.  I could have done one post… but I didn’t.  They are better separately.  Anyway, if I kill your WordPress reader, I’m sorry.  I promise not to do this again for at least another week 😉


Over the last few days (ummmmm.  more like a week, if I’m being honest), I’ve been a little, shall we say, “cranky”.

I argued with Cody on Saturday.  I don’t remember why… I rarely remember why.

On Sunday, I got mad that he made French Toast for breakfast and he was “forcing egg coated bread down my throat!”.  I bought the stuff for French Toast.  I said I was willing to try French Toast, so he was right to assume he could go ahead and make it and I’d at least give it a shot.  Nope – I got mad, yelled for a while, and ended up walking 40 minutes to work.  I later complained that he’d effectively given me the blisters I obtained during my hike.

On Monday, we were good.  Cody needed to go to a sleep study, so I was going to end up spending the night night alone.  It’s the first time we’ve been apart in (no joke) 5-ish years.  It’s the first time I’ve slept alone in…. way more than 5 years.  Here’s a text I sent to my husband:

“Honestly.  Millions of people sleep alone every night.  Why can’t I?  It’s 11:23 and I’m wide awake.  So is Toby.  I hope you slept well.  I’m going to write this now but have it automatically send it to you in the morning.  Also… Toby is a tool and keeps hitting the screen, making it take 3x longer to compose this message.  And he keeps looking at the door and it’s freaking me out.  And I feel pukey.  Double win for me.  Nope.  I hear footsteps.  Triple win.  Love you!”

I slept for a few hours that night (with the light on).  So on Tuesday, I was exhausted, Cody was exhausted, and we didn’t really fight.  However, I was being a little testy.  Cody was telling me about the book The Silmarillion (or maybe the Hobbit movie or something??) and saying that it was long winded and drawn out, blah blah blah.  I looked at him and said something along the lines of “Kind of like your explanation right now”.

Wednesday.  Aside from the meltdown I had at the end of the night, Cody and I were fine for the most part.  We played Super Mario 3 and I screamed a lot.  It’s really a little unhealthy how competitive I am.  And how easily I get upset during a friggen video game…  Later, I mentioned how cycle day 3 will likely be on Monday and Cody said “Already?!”.  I then reiterated everything you just read above and said “Haven’t you noticed I’ve been a bitch*** for the last week?  I’m always a super-bitch*** a week before my period.  Do you even know me?”

Cody then starts smirking and looking like he’s going to laugh in my face.  I ask him what he thinks is so funny and he says……………:

“I was just thinking about how hilarious that Hallowe’en costume would be.”

I really don’t know what I’d do without this guy.




***I used a way more vulgar word than “bitch”.  I use this particular word all the time, but thought I’d let you all keep thinking I was a proper lady.


I knew it was a long shot, but I’d hoped we’d get lucky.  Unfortunately, I was faced with another BFN this month.  Figures.

Something weird must still be going on with my progesterone, but I don’t really know for sure.  My typical symptoms (cramps, sore boobs, tiredness) were non-existent.  Yes, they’re pregnancy symptoms and they made me crazy during the 2WW, however having no symptoms at all made me question whether my progesterone levels were high enough.  I’m going to guess not.

I was ok… operative word being “was”.  I was getting upset and decided to walk into the craffice (my craft room/office).  There is one spot where you can sit and look out the window and all you can see is sky.  It makes talking to God easier, sometimes.  Anyway, I walked in there, sat in my chair and looked at the sky.  My two kitties came in and started to weave around my legs, knowing I was upset (God bless pets), and the tears started.  I looked around the room and got so sad.  I should be taking everything out of that room and decorating a nursery.  I should be rubbing my tummy and loving every turn Bumble makes in there.  I shouldn’t be back to cycle monitoring.  I shouldn’t be back to taking test after test every month.  I don’t want a new pregnancy…. I want the one I had.

I don’t know how much more I can handle.  I believe it’s going to happen.  I believe I’ll bring a baby home…..eventually.  I don’t know when, how many more treatments, if there will be another loss…. etc., etc.  I hate the unknown, unexpected, unexplained.

I wait now… and then go back and start all over.



Give ‘Em Hell

So, I got a second “reminder” note from the hospital where I miscarried Bumble.  Nope, it’s not a bill (we don’t pay for hospital visits in Canada).  It’s a questionnaire.

I ignored the first one.  I was really pissed off, hurt, upset.  To be honest, I probably didn’t call them for the first one because I’d lost the paper they mailed me and I got caught up in the bustle of cycle monitoring.  The second one though… the second one wasn’t going to be forgotton.

I called the PR department for the hospital and reached a voicemail (I sent a little “Thank you!” to God – I don’t have as big a set of balls when I have someone responding to what I say).  My message to them went something like this:

“Hi.  This is Beanie at 123-123-1234.  I’ve received TWO questionnaires in the mail from your hospital now.  In short, if I ever had the choice, I would not return to the hospital that I did on December 30th.  Since you’re so eager to know though, I was there because I was miscarrying my baby.  I think it is disgusting that you’ve contacted me repeatedly without checking into WHY I was there.  Just so you know, I’m still working through a lot of feelings with respect to my miscarriage and your letters only set me back.  Also, I feel like the hospital should be asking patients if they want to be contacted at a later date regarding the care they received.  TeleHealth does it – and if you don’t want to talk to anyone about why you called the service, you don’t have to.  Anyway, I want to be removed from whatever mailing list I am on.  And if you can remove me from EVER having to received anything from your hospital AGAIN, I’d appreciate that too.  Again, my name is Beanie and my number is 123-123-1234 – but there’s no reason for you to call me back.”

As soon as I hung up (after re-recording 3 times to make sure I had the right tone and I didn’t sound like a moron), I felt bad.  I don’t like being mean to people…  I went to work and on my break noticed I had a missed call from a private number and a voicemail.  Sure enough, it was the PR department for the hospital.

“Hi Beanie.  It’s Catherine from Patient Relations at the hospital.  I got your voicemail and,um, I’d really like to apologize about the surveys.  I’m afraid they’re done on an involuntary, um, random selection – that’s why you received it.  They don’t go into detail about what’s going on with any one patient.  But, um, just from me, because I heard your voicemail, I just wanted to really apologize that you’re going through that and that you received that.  And, um, I just wanted you to know that from our Patient Relations department that I just really, um, feel badly that you felt the way you did and I’m sure that  getting them, um, was not something that you wanted to receive.  I just wanted you to know that I will remove your name and, um, I really do apologize.  Thank you.” {copied verbatim}

I feel a little bad.  She apologized so many times!  And I know it wasn’t her that sent the letters, so I feel bad that she needs to take the shit I dealt out.  Then again, she made her career choice.

Overall, I’m happy that I called.  They needed to know how I felt – I needed to tell them how I felt – and I needed to be removed from their mailing list.

I really, honestly hope that the hospital’s questionnaire department can get their heads out of their asses and at least find a way to ask patients during discharge whether it would be ok to contact them about their visit.  It just seems like a no-brainer?