Actually, it’s what I’m now naming my reproductive system. Loki – like the trickster God from Norse mythology.
I knew it was kind of a long shot, but I thought I might be pregnant. First, it was mostly because I’d read so much about women being “more fertile” after a miscarriage. Second, my RE seemed to think I might be returning to the clinic pregnant (“We’re never surprised when someone goes on a break from treatment and winds up pregnant!”, to quote Dr. R.). Third, cause my body told me I was.
I remember exactly what I felt like during my (short) pregnancy. My tummy was bloated and full all the time, with a hint of queasiness. My sense of smell was insane. My boobs almost killed me. Anyway, for a few days now, I’ve had the same feeling in my tummy. I was feeling the exact same as I did a week before I found out I was pregnant. So when I peed on the HPT, I knew it was going to be positive (even though I told myself out loud that it wasn’t likely).
Welp. I was wrong. And boy was I mad about it! In fact, Cody and I fought for TWO DAYS cause I was so pissed off about it. Mature – I know.
I’ve since tested twice more because I still feel pregnant. And I’ve still only gotten negative results. I’m baffled. And so mad at my body… how could she mimic pregnancy symptoms so well? And why? I feel betrayed. What a nasty trick to pull.
Now I wait. And once I get the dreaded visit from my aunt, I’m off to the clinic… again. I was thinking about it today and though I’m not excited about the number of visits, the transvaginal ultrsound, or the money we fork out to them, I AM happy that my periods will be normal again (thank you, again, PCOS you f-er). I’ll know exactly when they should be arriving and how long they’ll last. I only wish it would come without pain… Who thought I’d ever be happy about fertility medications?
In other “news”, we had friends over the other day. The same ones who went to Vegas. During dinner, Seth looked at Christine and said “Is now a good time?” and she nodded. He looked at us and said “Christine’s eating for two.”. Instantly, I plastered a (fake) smile on my face and exclaimed “Oh my God!”. Cody reached under the table and squeezed my leg – but couldn’t manage to say anything to the happy couple. After finding out how far along Christine is (9 weeks… yup, she conceived right when I miscarried. Awesome. The world is right once again.), Seth said to us “So, if you’re free to babysit anytime next year…” and I did it. I blurted out that we miscarried! I’m a tool. I feel so f-ing terrible that I probably made them feel bad! Cody says it was fine, but I still feel awful.
In more other “news”, Toby is going to the vet for the first time tomorrow! I adore this little kitten. He snuggles and purrs and always wants to nap on my chest or on my shoulder in my neck. He sleeps through most of the night. He smells so good. He makes my heart smile – ugh… how corny.
Hope everyone is doing well!
Smiling through a headache,